Should I make Ds study?

[Keepmeawayfromthecrisps]

Ds 14 driving me up the wall when it comes to schoolwork! Will only do homework or revise if I’ve nagged him into it. He has 2 important tests next week and not interested in studying at all. Would you make your dc study or just leave them to it?
I’m tempted just to leave him to it and hope that the first time he fails or gets in trouble for not doing homework it might make him get his finger out

I left mine to it. I wanted them to grow up to be responsible independent people. They can’t learn that if you nag them.

When the kids moved to secondary the headmaster gave us a talk. Basically he said to stop enabling your kids. They don't do homework or study for an exam? They suffer the consequences. You can't live his life for him.

Same threads this time every year...

Since he actually DOES the work when you nag, and apparently no problem to you to nag & to he doesn't resent you for it, then just keep doing what you're doing. It works for you guys.

It is starting to be be a problem for me though, fed up of the same conversation.
I’ve just spoken with him and told him I’m not nagging him anymore, it’s his choice whether he does it or not. Just need to make sure I stick to it

There's a sharp division on MN, those who feel it's their duty to do everything to improve their grades, & people (like me) who support but don't feel the outcome is our responsibility. I just don't have the energy to be a Tiger Mum. It would destroy my sanity & achieve nothing if I tried.

The important thing now is you stick to it. You absolutely don’t nag him.

He may take some time to realise that you mean it. You really will let him fail.

But to only then he can decide what kind of a student he wants to be.

A saying I love is “I’m raising adults, not babies”. If they can’t work independently it doesn’t matter what GCSEs he gets, he won’t be very employable.

My DD didn’t work as hard as I’d have liked for GCSEs. But Now that’s she’s doing a BTEC she enjoys she’s working hard.

In year 7 I enabled my son. Sorted his PE kit, bagged him to do his homework. Always causes tears. Quickly I left him to it. Took him literally days to turn it around as he'd obviously got into trouble at school.

He's now in year 10 and doing so so well. Super organised, comes to me if he needs advice or help and even asked if I could arrange him tutors for additional support. It's hard - but my advice is to let go.

Thanks for the replies, I am going to take your advice and make sure I stick to it

I think there is also perhaps a middle way?

Agree you're not going to nag but if grades start to fall then there will be consequences (either re-implementing nagging, or loss of funds/screens/lifts/whatever)

Is your DS y9 or y10?

I view it as my responsibility to help my DDs get their GCSE passes. But then they are choosing what they want for college and then it is more up to them. But I have less academic DDs with a variety of additional needs. They both need a lot of support, practical and emotional.

When I spoke to him last night I did say that there would be consequences if he did start getting in trouble/failing as although I’m going to take a step back I don’t want him to think he can just do what he wants and not bother about school so I’ll see how he goes.

He’s got homework due for tomorrow that he’s still not done and it’s taking a big effort from me not to mention it

Yes, stop pushing him and let him fail if necessary. Better to let him fail at 14 then, hopefully, he'll get the message to get his act together for GCSE's at 16. Good luck, it'll be difficult to step back but you must do it now.

Leave him to it, but keep expecting decent results.

I say yes, keep nagging. If he failed his GCSEs you would regret letting your foot off the gas too soon.
He's 14 and IME (I have two ) 14 year old boys can be very immature and lazy. My observation of DSs friends was that those left to themselves often did eventually knuckle down but not until about Y13. By this time they had a clutch of low grade GCSEs and were on course for poor A levels.
My own DSs were just like yours and I hated the nagging. I did it because iI didn't want to look back and think I could have done more.
They both got good GCSE'S with less than enthusiastic work but there was a huge change at 6th form. I backed off then and they went on to get A*s and good degrees.

I nagged up to about Feb of Y11, when I realised it was destroying our relationship. So I had one 'chat' with him, where I basically said I would help and support, but I wouldn't nag any more as he knew what he had to do and why, and that ultimately it was up to him. So, from thereon in, as I walked past the back room he'd set up to 'study' in, if he was gaming, I'd just say 'You and I both know what you should be doing', and walk on by.

The school did what they could, putting him and 20 other boys into the Y10 'BLUB Club' 'Bright but Lazy Under-achieving Boys' .

He got one grade point lower than he was predicted (as being capable of) in 6 of his GCSEs, getting B's instead of A's; so 2 x A, 6 x B, 2 x C.

He drifted into A levels, which by Feb of Y12 were also going downhill. So we decided that enough was enough, that what might amount to a couple of low grade A levels aren't worth the paper they're printed on (as has proven to be the case with other DC I know of). So we withdrew him (with 2 low grade AS levels) and, with him swallowing some pride, and overcoming some snobbery, he re-started at a Tech doing a BTEC in computing.

Finally a combination of being interested in what he was doing (he'd done computing before but without much commitment); maturity, and a different ethos, combined with me coolly informing him that I wasn't going to sponsor failure, that if he failed to achieve on this course, he was going to go out and get a full time job. Which I 100% meant, he knuckled down.

Anyway, he got 2 X Distinction stars and one Distinction; 160 UCAS points!

He's now in Y2 at a middle ranking ex-Poly uni doing software engineering. A course that asked for 128 UCAS points.

However, he is cognisant of the fact that many of his fellow students aren't that bright. He recognises that had he done better in Maths GCSE, and got a reasonable grade at Maths A level, he would be in a uni surrounded by smarter kids. But this is possibly only due to his subject choice, Computing, where there is a big divide between the ex-Poly entrance, and RG entrance, not much in between.

So, if I were you, at 14 I'd be nagging, so you at least feel you've done everything you could do.

I also recommend the Pomodoro time management technique!

I have no idea when my DC have tests (15 and 17) or homework, unless they volunteer this info

DH is a teacher, he is all about leaving them to it and facing the consequences (detentions for missed homework etc). He sees too many kids with anxiety/mental health issues brought on by pushy parents. So we may have gone too far the other way

Wow @Miljea , I wish my sons school had a BLUB club!! My 16 year old, yr 11 son is stressing me out currently. He's very lazy, very lucky that he's a bright boy and is predicted 7-9 in all subjects - if he'd just pull his socks up. He is shocking at revising, has spent his life just winging it ( much to the annoyance of his friends who have to work to get their grades!). Yet now it's starting to get tough and he's giving up.

I've tried nagging, yet it's not working. So instead I've bought him all the study guides/sticky notes etc that he needs and told him I'm here if he needs me. I'm happy to help him revise, set up a time table etc, but it's like talking to a brick wall...

@namechangenumber2 I think it's even harder for those who have always got reasonable grades because they are bright / have good memories. They think at 16 that they will be able to wing it forever and unfortunately it's much harder at A level.
The old modular AS levels were great for this. Many a bright lazy student failed miserably at the first January AS papers and that was the wake up call they needed.

I’d really like some guidance on this too. My year 10 DS is at a grammar school but with benefit of hindsight might have been better off in our local comp which is excellent. However that’s a whole other thread!

The good thing is that he’s in support sets for 5 of his subjects which means he’s in classes of only 15. The downside is that the support sets don’t seem to be set much homework and the emphasis is very much on home learning and self directed revision etc using the time you’ve been given by not having compulsory homework to re-read stuff and make sure you’ve understood etc. Problem is that sounds amazing in theory but when you have a lazy immature 14 year old who’d rather do anything than schoolwork it’s really tough because there’s no accountability.

We had parents eve this week. DS is performing 2/3/4 levels below where he’s expected to be in all tests. Demonstrating beautifully that left to his own devices he is not going to meet his potential unless he has some sort of epiphany.

I work full time, my other DC is severely learning disabled but I am desperate not to see DS fail. I want him to come out with the levels 6/7/8 he’s predicted to give him the widest choice for the next steps by which time hopefully he’ll have developed the maturity to identify something he’s interested in and go for it - that defo doesn’t have to be A levels in my book.

At the moment I’m spending an hour a night with him helping him make revision notes by going over topics he’s already covered making sure he’s understood etc. My plan was to keep this up for a while until he’s established a habit of doing it himself hopefully. What would you do?

I have this problem with my 15 year old. Bright enough that does extremely well- top few in class if we sit with her and basically revise along side her. She has no motivation.
Left her to her own devices recently for big exam and she failed it. Has never failed anything before. I thought it would shock her and she was annoying (a bit). Not enough to motivate her and basically doesn't care less!
It really wears you out as I know if we sit with her and I mean in her room with her she will excel but crash and burn otherwise.
You have to see the rubbish she will hand in to teachers to be marked. Messy, badly written with lots of spelling mistakes. Doesn't care if it's late.
I know it's lack of maturity but I didn't mature until I was about 19!
If I step back she will fail and if I micro manage she will excel. It's worse than being a tiger mom as I'm not even just encouraging, I basically doing it all. I'm riding shotgun! It's crazy I know but doesn't understand her lazy ass ways will impact her future massively.

It helps to know I’m not alone in the riding shotgun thing @otto2011

Most of my friends think it’s ridiculous but their kids are motivated to do well and just get on with it.

The best way to motivate my DS was by really looking at what his dream job would be (robotics or some kind if engineering) and then looking at what grades he’d need at A level, and then look what GCSEs he’d need. He is dyslexic and never reads, can’t spell, yet scraped a 7 for English, because he knew that you need at least a 5/6 in English even to do physics, where we are.

Motivation from within works better than parent pressure.

With DS2 this strategy is not working so well he wants to join the army and has figured out that you can do that without a levels or even GCSEs...

No one solution fits all, but try not to freak out.

DS found online tools like a Seneca much more useful than little cards

God, it's so hard, isn't it? Watching bright (enough) DC achieve 'average'.

But, at the end of the day, motivation often trumps ability. Sadly (but not for the 'not so academically inclined, but driven' - best of luck to them!).

I have a good friend who finally washed her hands of 'Oh, that D was almost a C!' - when her DS was 17. He got a D. Because he didn't revise.

You can't make them revise. You can provide a quiet space. You can talk through techniques, like Pomodoro. You can keep an Open Door Policy to them wanting back up/help/explanation. But you cannot actually make them revise (as in 'the process that cements knowledge in preparation for testing').

Some are all over this at 10 (cf the SW London privates 11+ thread ). Others pick it up along the way. That might be 14, or 18. Or 19, with my DS1... Whereas my DS2, barely an issue. On top of it all, Quite driven, but, non-easily-measurable qualities, as his direction is Graphic Design.

Sadly, some will never grasp that and will live a lifetime of anger about (their own) missed opportunity.

I think it's good to know you did what you could.

I am a bit harsh, but realistic to my two. I say 'I will never see you homeless' (which I can do because neither demonstrate psychopathic or severe MH issues traits. Thank god). But 'We won't be here for ever (we're 58/60 this year!). We can't carry on financing you for ever. This house was the 'school catchment' house. You're 18/20, now. Plan for your futures'.

But I get that a 14/15 year old won't hear this!

Part of our issue is DS isn’t motivated by anything. Has no career aspirations beyond ‘something to do with football’ and so I don’t really have any carrots to dangle! I will look into Seneca and Pomodoro too.

We have the same issue @Helpmyself . My DS has no idea what he wants to do when he's an adult, so he has nothing to aim for. All he knows is he would hate teaching, that's it! He won't talk about it either which is a pain..

It's very much easier with a child who has an ambition career wise. Mine never did. In fact DC2 who graduated with a science first from a top uni last summer still doesn't really know what they want to do long term.
Parents with motivated DC have no idea how hard it is to cajole and coax the idle.
I stand by what I said above, and as others have said, I think it's good to know you did what you could. I could never stand by and watch them fail as a "lesson".