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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD's older boyfriend

30 replies

Savannaha · 03/01/2020 16:31

Just want advice really, will try to keep this as short as possible.

DD is 17 (only just) in first year of A levels. She's been seeing someone since around November but I only met him for the first time yesterday and now don't know what to think.

I knew he had a car (so I assumed he was a year older) because he has picked her up and dropped her off several times at home, and I have seen him briefly.

DD said she didn't want us to meet him too quickly in case things didn't work out etc and she didn't want to move to fast or put pressure on their relationship which I thought was fair enough, she should be entitled to her privacy. However when she asked me if she could stay at his overnight, I said not until DH and I have met him and trust him (so not for a little while yet). She said that is fair enough and this is what prompted her to introduce us.

She didn't tell me his age before we met, just his name and where roughly he lives.

DD didn't want to make a big deal out of it, so she asked if we would just be okay with a casual introduction (for now), so he came round before they went for dinner and we chatted for about 20 minutes before they left.

He seems very nice, however DH and I both noticed that he was a few years older than DD. I searched him on facebook and found that he is 23. I don't know how to feel about that. I also found out that he has a 1 year old daughter. (With a previous partner who was 20 at the time of the birth) I don't know how to feel about that.

Assuming DD knows about her boyfriends child and is okay with it, do I have any reason to feel uneasy? Do I have any right to feel uneasy about any of it?

OP posts:
HoneysuckIejasmine · 03/01/2020 16:34

Why on earth is a 23 year old interested in someone still in school? What can she offer him that girls his own age can't?

My husband is 3 years younger than me, but we're in our 30s. Their lives are very different at this point. It makes me suspicious.

ladybee28 · 03/01/2020 16:35

What's the unspoken concern, OP?

Waterandlemonjuice · 03/01/2020 16:37

Hmm, I wouldn’t be thrilled tbh. But there’s not much you can do except hope it fizzles out and be there for her if she needs you.

Original poster
Savannaha · 03/01/2020 16:37

Honeysucklejasmine

I know but at the same time, I was 18 when I started seeing DH who was 22. Slightly smaller age gap though. Maybe I'm just making excuses

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 03/01/2020 16:38

23 year old with a child and you're not sure whether to be concerned or not?

It's fucking despicable.

Original poster
Savannaha · 03/01/2020 16:39

ladybee28

Possibly that my daughter could end up pregnant by this man as well. I'm not one of those people who thinks it would ruin her life - my sister had a baby at 19 and still managed to do everything she wanted, though I can't say it's what I visioned for DD.

OP posts:
ladybee28 · 03/01/2020 16:45

@Savannaha I can get that.

Do you think she's more likely to get pregnant by a 23 year old than someone her own age?

She sounds very communicative with you and open-minded to your requests, which is great news.

Beyond them breaking up (which you can't make her do), what would you need to put your mind more at ease?

Original poster
Savannaha · 03/01/2020 16:55

@ladybee28

Thankfully, DD is sensible like that and had a conversation with me about what contraceptive pill she needs to go on, so I know she is taking one. I thought it best to help her rather than get angry at her for having sex, because she would've done it anyway, just not safely.

I know that if I talk to her about my concerns she will be receptive to them, we are very open and honest with each other, so maybe she will make me feel better if she understands where I'm coming from.

I just worry that she won't be able to understand that it's strange for a 23 year old grown man to be interested in a child (though she does look and act a older than she is) and this will drive us apart because she might say she's in love.

OP posts:
Original poster
Savannaha · 03/01/2020 16:56

I would also like to add that at the time of the conversation about the contraceptive pill, I didn't know the person she was planning on sleeping wirh was 23.

OP posts:
OceanSunFish · 03/01/2020 17:05

I'd be a bit concerned too OP. I know a couple who got together at this age with a 7 year age gap (so 17 and 24) and they're now happily married with 3 kids, so it can work. It does seem a shame for your DD to take on a stepmum role when she's so young. But at the end of the day it's probably best to accept this for the moment (with some reservations).

choli · 03/01/2020 17:19

She's hardly taking on the stepmother role by dating this guy for a couple of months.

Teapot13 · 03/01/2020 17:20

This would make me uneasy.

Have you talked to your daughter about the information you found? It will be very telling if, for example, she doesn't know about the child. I think I would just talk about these things, but in a non-judgmental way, as you have been doing. Say things like, she probably needs to think clearly about whether she wants to be a stepmother to a small child, and she shouldn't rush into anything on that front because it could be damaging to the child to get attached to her and then have the relationship not work.

Is this her first boyfriend?

What does BF do? Is he working and supporting the child? Does he share custody? Talk about these things with her. You don't need to say anything negative about him, but let her figure it out. How he deals with fatherhood shows a lot about what kind of person he is.

I don't know if I would let her stay over. With teenagers, "staying over" usually means at a home with parents. I think 17 is young to stay with an adult boyfriend.

Nicolanomore24 · 03/01/2020 17:22

Definitely would not be happy with this. I wouldn’t say anything to get though. Just let it run it’s course, maybe have a chat and make sure she is using reliable contraception preferably double actually, hormonal and barrier.

OceanSunFish · 03/01/2020 17:23

choli I mean if they stay together.

Original poster
Savannaha · 03/01/2020 17:29

@Teapot13

I haven't spoken to her yet about this but I will in the least judgemental way and most supportive way I can.

This isn't her first boyfriend, she came out of a 'long term' relationship early last year (as long term as it can be for a child), she saw a boy a year older than her from when she was 13-16. They never stayed at each other's houses overnight or had sex, and I am sure of that. The length of that relationship makes me think that she is not the type of girl to just date for the fun of it, and they could be together for a while.

From new BF's facebook, he seems to be with the child quite frequently and on good terms with the mother, so I would assume joint custody. He works for his dads building company and drives a BMW so clearly got a bit of money.

I don't want to be quick to assume that because he's older and has a child he is going to be bad for my daughter - it's just taken me aback. I have no right to ask her to end the relationship because it makes me feel uneasy, so I'll just try to keep a close eye on everything.

Thanks everyone for your comments

OP posts:
sunflofferes · 03/01/2020 17:36

I was 17 when I got together with my children's father, he was 25 with one child. We had known each other for a year. We were together for 21 years till he sadly passed away last year, we were also together for 15 years before we had children. Just make sure your daughter knows how to practice safe sex and keep talking to her always.

katy1213 · 03/01/2020 17:38

He has already - and very recently - left one young woman holding a baby. I'd be more concerned about that than his age. His attitude to his responsibilities seems casual.

Original poster
Savannaha · 03/01/2020 17:39

@sunflofferes

I am sorry to hear that he passed.

That has reassured me, thank you. I will keep talking to her to make sure she's doing everything properly. I do trust her, I just don't know him enough to trust him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Savannaha · 03/01/2020 17:40

@katy1213

To make things worse (in my eyes) - he was never in a relationship with the baby's mother. He does seem to look after the child regularly though.

OP posts:
ConfidingFish · 03/01/2020 17:50

As a parent of a child in his first year of A levels I would be concerned that the person he was dating had a child. At 17 there should really be no responsibility, it should just all be fun.

So when this 23 year old man starting dating your daughter was she 16? Eugh eugh eugh.

YeOldeTrout · 03/01/2020 17:54

You always want to protect your kids.
The age difference wouldn't ring any of my alarm bells.
I thought OP was gonna say he was like 43.

userabcname · 03/01/2020 18:13

I wouldn't be happy but I wouldn't tell dd that - I wouldn't want to push her away. I would, however, have a serious chat about ensuring she is protecting herself from stds as well as pregnancy (so pills plus condoms) and personal boundaries in relationships - important for all relationships but particularly where her partner is older and therefore could portray himself as 'knowing better'.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 04/01/2020 00:26

I’d be less concerned about the age difference than I would be about the child.

Bluerussian · 04/01/2020 02:29

Like others I would be more concerned about the fact he has a child than the age difference. However accidents do happen, I doubt he or the child's mother intended to have a baby and no one can hold that against him forever. He's supporting the child and shares custody which shows he has a sense of responsibility. I doubt it will impact your daughter that much, she is still at school and I presume not planning to live with the guy at the moment.

I will admit it does seem a bit odd that he wants to go out with a school girl - if she was out at work full time she wouldn't seem so young but she's not, she's at school. I wonder what his friends/family think about it.

If she goes off to uni this relationship may fizzle out naturally as she'll make new friends in her own age group, so keep calm about her boyfriend for now. As long as the chap treats her kindly and fairly there's not much to complain about even if he is a bit older than you'd like him to be. Hopefully she will confide in you if she is worried about anything and you can gently guide her.

ACatWhoBinds · 05/01/2020 22:10

I think the best way to deal with it is keeping an open dialogue with your daughter and making sure she knows she can always come to you. It’s good you already have that diet and have discussed contraceptives - I wish I’d had that relationship with my mum. I was already on the pill in my first relationship (age 17) to regulate my periods but didn’t want to talk about other methods so went to a GUM on my own to get the implant.
I started dating my current partner when I was 17 and they were in their 30s - it’s been 4 years and we’re still happily together. My ma was horrified and didn’t want me to continue and I didn’t feel I could talk to her about any of it - I wish she would’ve been more open to dialogue. I wanted her to meet them and then make up her mind but she always said she didn’t approve of it and didn’t take personality or duration of relationship into account. I may be biased, but don’t force your daughter to do anything, just make sure she’s informed and that she knows she can say no to anything and that you’ll support her. I knew someone who was told by a sibling wherever they were, if they were unsafe or in danger, they could call and get a drive home, no questions asked, no interrogation. I know if my ma had forced me to break up I would’ve just seen my partner in secret and felt hostile toward her. And also maybe if you’re worried about her getting pregnant, discuss LARCs like the implant, IUD, IUS etc as they can be more reliable than the pill. I’m on the implant and it lasts for 3 years - that’s 3 years not worrying about a baby! I hope she’s ok, she’s lucky to have you as a mother Flowers

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