DD's older boyfriend

[Savannaha]

Just want advice really, will try to keep this as short as possible.

DD is 17 (only just) in first year of A levels. She's been seeing someone since around November but I only met him for the first time yesterday and now don't know what to think.

I knew he had a car (so I assumed he was a year older) because he has picked her up and dropped her off several times at home, and I have seen him briefly.

DD said she didn't want us to meet him too quickly in case things didn't work out etc and she didn't want to move to fast or put pressure on their relationship which I thought was fair enough, she should be entitled to her privacy. However when she asked me if she could stay at his overnight, I said not until DH and I have met him and trust him (so not for a little while yet). She said that is fair enough and this is what prompted her to introduce us.

She didn't tell me his age before we met, just his name and where roughly he lives.

DD didn't want to make a big deal out of it, so she asked if we would just be okay with a casual introduction (for now), so he came round before they went for dinner and we chatted for about 20 minutes before they left.

He seems very nice, however DH and I both noticed that he was a few years older than DD. I searched him on facebook and found that he is 23. I don't know how to feel about that. I also found out that he has a 1 year old daughter. (With a previous partner who was 20 at the time of the birth) I don't know how to feel about that.

Assuming DD knows about her boyfriends child and is okay with it, do I have any reason to feel uneasy? Do I have any right to feel uneasy about any of it?

It sounds as though he has behaved in a responsible way regarding a mistake he made about 2 years ago when he would have been 21.

It also sounds as though your DD is behaving sensibly and has a good open relationship with you. But she might feel a bit peeved that you had sought her new partner out on facebook. You cannot unsee what you have seen on there and you now have the dilemma of keeping that knowledge from her or being open about your researches.

Girls of 17 can be very mature and I think it would be wrong to assume that this young man's behaviour is odd in any way. From previous posters it is clear that this can work.

One of my DDs has a partner who is 5 years older than she is and they met when she was 18 - so not so very different - they are very happy and have married and produced 3 children.

Just keep the lines of communication open with DD.

@ohwheniknow are you serious?

The pill won’t protect her against sexually transmitted diseases. Tell her that he should be using condoms.

I wouldn't be as concerned about the age as I would about the fact he has a kid. For what it's worth I was a just turned 20 year old at uni when I started seeing a nearly 29 year old, we have been married 10 years now with two kids. I'm now 37.

Thank you for the messages everyone!

Perhaps I should have been more clear - she has reassured me that she is using condoms as well to protect against STDs and obviously as a double protection from pregnancy.

Just a quick update -
Since my OP, DD has actually initiated a conversation with me about him which I am very grateful for. I didn't have to tell her that I searched his Facebook - she actually told me about his child and the circumstances which his daughter was born under. I now know for certain that he has joint custody and apparently is a "very good and kind father". My DD has told me that she hasn't met the daughter and will not meet her for a while until things are more serious so they don't confuse the baby. I'm unclear as to who's idea that actually was (my DDs, her boyfriend, or the baby's mother) but either way I thought it was a mature and sensible idea.

I feel more comfortable now about the situation. Still not totally comfortable, but DD has reassured me and as long as she is happy then I am. She also mentioned that BF is keen to get to know DH and I (again I am unsure whether this was DDs idea or BFs). Maybe when we get to know him, it'll be less strange because I honestly do trust DDs judgement. But they both seem very open and honest so I can't complain really.

I'm still not over the moon about it but I would never ask DD to end her relationship because, as some people have mentioned, that could lead to resentment and secrecy.

Thanks everyone for your comments! Sorry this was lengthy, just an update for people who might be wondering! X