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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Disappointed with dd’s admission

34 replies

Ifeelfat · 01/01/2020 13:52

NC for this.
Dd 13 has just admitted to me that her friends broke into a local building and caused damage - they didn’t destroy any of the expensive equipment but threw chairs/tables around etc, causing a huge mess. She says she was there but didn’t join in. I told her that even if that’s true it’s largely irrelevant as will be implicated by association which she understands.

She told me because she’s worried she’ll be identified on CCTV and is now worrying about the consequences.

About a week ago I was talking to dh about her friends and described them as a car crash happening in slow motion. Also read around how to discourage unsuitable friendships - didn’t realise quite how right I was. They are bored young teens, hate school, nightmare I would think to try and teach and likely to be attracted by all manner of risky behaviours. Dd is not as bad, yet.

Any suggestions about how I manage this in the short and long term? I said I was glad she’d told me but we haven’t discussed consequences.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/01/2020 13:57

Suggest you think about reporting this to the police. I would also be moving schools and grounding DD. I only have 3 very young children but when did this happen? Was she out at night unsupervised? I would be absolutely furious and no way the DC would be going out unaccompanied apart from to school and back

shellysheridan · 01/01/2020 14:02

I agree about moving schools. Would she consider doing some out of school activities to help with the boredom? A drama group?

Original poster
Ifeelfat · 01/01/2020 14:10

She has moved schools as I saw this coming and tried to avert it. They are friends from the old school but live locally. She doesn’t go out at night at all, this was during the day.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/01/2020 14:15

No more going out during the day then. I think you have to get a very firm grip of this now

Original poster
Ifeelfat · 01/01/2020 14:25

Thanks for the response. I want to find ways of making these ‘edgy’ kids less attractive really - just grounding a teen doesn’t address root causes.

Does anyone have any experience of ‘encouraging’ a dc to change or drop a friendship group?

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/01/2020 14:35

Ask her what kind of life she wants? Explain that interaction with the criminal justice system is likely to preclude that. As is hanging around with no hopers who don't apply themselves at school

What's wrong with showing you are angry and disappointed? Don't remember my parents ever really shouting at me but, as a teenager, I know how much this type of behaviour would have upset and worried them. That was a great control.

Ultimately, she is a child. It is not for you to persuade her not to behave like this. You need to set firm boundaries to keep her safe and protect her future

SylviaC · 01/01/2020 14:35

Not an expert but have wrestled with DC being involved with edgy friends. The main thing I did was to keep my DC busy with lots of other things - sports/ drama/ family stuff. Maybe she can make some other friends through this kind of thing.

It was a worrying time and a bit of a slog but now in 6th form the edgy group have all left school and DC has grown up a bit.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/01/2020 14:38

Agree with joining lots of groups etc.

CanIHaveADrink · 01/01/2020 14:39

I would involve her in as many things as possible. Organise for her to do some sports, have a hobby, go out as a family. Anything that will stop her from spending time with them wo it looking like she is grounded. Sports is essential imo as it is also a great way to deal with self esteem issues as well as stress/anxiety. Plus she will get to spend time outside which is also very good for her MH.

She needs new friends and new interests.

CanIHaveADrink · 01/01/2020 14:40

Haha
Xpost with many with similar advice....

gingersausage · 01/01/2020 14:50

Maybe she should hang out with a less popular group Hmm

AJPTaylor · 01/01/2020 15:09

Well it sounds like she is working this out for herself.

Starlink · 01/01/2020 16:07

She needs to face the consequences, report her and the group to police. I would also withdraw phone, ipad etc and ground her for a long time.

MrsBricks · 01/01/2020 16:09

Calling the police on your own child? What ridiculous advice.

You really want to set your 13 year old up for life with a criminal conviction Hmm

TildaTurnip · 01/01/2020 16:11

I too think she may have turned a corner herself. She did join in and is now worried about the consequences. Following this with the pp’s talk about what sort of life she wants would be timely.

JustDanceAddict · 01/01/2020 16:25

This may be a wake up call anyway.
Encourage her to mix with the friends at her new school, sign her up for weekend stuff (DofE bronze can take up time!).

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/01/2020 18:59

Calling the police on your own child? What ridiculous advice.

Not really. Far more likely to be treated more leniently and/or not involved if she is reporting what happened as a witness who was caught entering the premises on CCTV rather than being implicated by one of the others there. The child is concerned she has been caught. This is nuanced and why my original post states suggest

Trewser · 01/01/2020 19:01

Don't let her hang out with them?

Doesn't anyone just say no to their kid anymore?

Trewser · 01/01/2020 19:17

Ask her if she still wants to hang out with them. I agree with PPs to get her involved in a hobby. My 13 year old doesn't have time to hang out vandalising things

FixTheBone · 01/01/2020 19:19

@Trewser

Easier said than done these days, I didnt speak to my eldest daughter for almost two years before she recently moved out, it was the only way of maintaining the peace.

kids are savvy these days, she has known since turning a teenager she can swear, shout and simply walk out of the house if things weren't going 'her way'. They know you cant physically restrain them, and words have no effect.

To me, calling the police seems like an eminently sensible idea, if she goes in with a prepared plan on how to recompense the owner of the building, is genuinely apologetic and contrite, then the most likely outcome is a caution. This needs to be the impetus to never, ever associate with the same gang again - she needs to expect a lonely few months until she makes some new friends, as the other good kids will have been warned off her from her association with the bad kids and it will take some time for everyone to accept she has genuinely changed.

Trewser · 01/01/2020 19:23

None of my teen dds would even consider swearing at me and walking out of the house. I appreciate I am lucky.

BrokenWing · 02/01/2020 11:39

It is naïve to think if she reported to the police she would be treated any differently from her friends. She is not a 'witness' she was there with the group who broke into the premises and it is really no relevant whether she picked up a chair and threw it or not. I would also take with a pinch of salt that no expensive equipment was broken and they only made a mess. At 13 if they have previously never been in trouble before and the damage was minimal then a good talking to and a police caution would be appropriate.

It is a difficult one, I don't think I would report my ds to the police as it would be very out of character for him and an isolated incident.

Agree with pp, the devil makes work for idle hands, get her involved in activities and sports and also to build her self esteem and self worth. Have talk conversations about growing up and what she wants from life, about making bad decisions and the consequences of them.

Make sure she knows how disappointed you are in her that got involved in this, it is not her friends fault, she made the decisions that led her to be there, you don't care about her friends decisions only hers, she is just as guilty as they are and she needs to take responsibility and ownership for those decisions and not blame others.

GreenTulips · 02/01/2020 11:44

I think this may have frightened her as she’s told you about it.

Teens don’t want to see the bigger picture because they can’t imagine being older and responsible.

Does she know what she wants to do later in life? These convictions follow them round.

CatName · 02/01/2020 12:00

Going on the experiences that we have had over the last year with a gang of teenagers completely destroying two empty £300k+ houses on either side of us, probably not many sanctions would be applied if she did report it to the police as it wasn't considered in the public interest to prosecute in spite of dozens of calls and attendances by the police, fire brigade, and local council antisocial behaviour team Confused

I would agree, that keeping your child busy, and knowing where they are, is a good first step - but I'd also suggest you try to find whether there is a victim support group that can offer the experiences of victims of crime to have her confront the reality of vandalism. From our experiences, we have elderly neighbours who are frightened in their homes, had their windows smashed, and been threatened with violence as things escalated. Would she be likely to be influenced by that?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 02/01/2020 13:15

It's not naive at all broken based on my experience of children's panel (Scotland)/adolescent crime (England) work. OP - if you do decide to go down the police route in future, it would be worth paying for an hour's worth of legal advice before you do anything. As I said before, it is a nuanced decision but if things carry on like this, you may need to do this to ensure that her interaction with the police is voluntary and managed by you. Rather than being dropped in it by one of associates or picked up by the police