Disappointed with dd’s admission

[Ifeelfat]

NC for this.
Dd 13 has just admitted to me that her friends broke into a local building and caused damage - they didn’t destroy any of the expensive equipment but threw chairs/tables around etc, causing a huge mess. She says she was there but didn’t join in. I told her that even if that’s true it’s largely irrelevant as will be implicated by association which she understands.

She told me because she’s worried she’ll be identified on CCTV and is now worrying about the consequences.

About a week ago I was talking to dh about her friends and described them as a car crash happening in slow motion. Also read around how to discourage unsuitable friendships - didn’t realise quite how right I was. They are bored young teens, hate school, nightmare I would think to try and teach and likely to be attracted by all manner of risky behaviours. Dd is not as bad, yet.

Any suggestions about how I manage this in the short and long term? I said I was glad she’d told me but we haven’t discussed consequences.

Can you get her involved in a hobby or sport she gets absorbed in? Take her to a few new things. It may cost a bit but is infinitely cheaper and less stressful than having a child with a criminal record.

Going on the experiences that we have had over the last year with a gang of teenagers completely destroying two empty £300k+ houses on either side of us, probably not many sanctions would be applied if she did report it to the police as it wasn't considered in the public interest to prosecute in spite of dozens of calls and attendances by the police, fire brigade, and local council antisocial behaviour team confused

That's a good point - it is always open though to the person whose property has been damaged to raise a civil action against the child/parent or their insurer may decide to do so. It is fairly unusual but it does happen. If you have spoken to the police contemporaneously to note that your daughter isn't involved, that can assist somewhat with the defence of a claim. You should point out to her that if, she carries on like this, she is actually going to cause her parents significant difficulties. So this is being nipped in the bud right now. No arguments of debates. As above, would look into groups and moving school.

My dds are adopted with lots of issues and have been in trouble with the police several times.
I wish I had some useful advice but I just wanted to say she sounds like a good kid who is with a bad crowd. She’s got two choices - she can stay with the bad crowd whose behaviour will get worse as they get older, and inevitably one day she’ll end up in trouble.
Or she can break away, find new friends, do well at school and go on to make a success of her life.
However you handle this, whatever consequences you put in place, the choice is ultimately hers. It’s all very well for people to say ground her - that might be an option for a week or two but you can’t keep kids locked up forever. It’s also utter nonsense for people to say you shouldn’t report your own child to the police - I’m about to report my 15 year old and her friends for running up a big bill on my credit card without permission. However for something like this, no, I wouldn’t report it.
I think it’s really positive she confided in you. As well as worrying about being caught, it sounds as if her conscience was troubling her.
Could she perhaps offer to help clear up the mess or fundraise for the organisation concerned, or even for a related charity, eg for Help The Aged if it was an old people’s day centre or for the NSPCC if it was a nursery? Do a fun run, hold a cake sale, volunteer in a charity shop for a few Saturdays?

I think it's incredibly positive that she told you too and I'd be wary of punishing her too much as you have a good opportunity here to steer her. She has been frightened by this and is seeking reassurance from you.
I'd perhaps put it back to her and ask if this is the kind of behaviour she wants to be associated with and yes, it will then be a matter of time before she ends up in trouble.
It can be hard to pull away from a group of friends even if you know they're a bad influence.
Other activities or maybe a restriction on going out (that she agrees to). My DD is younger and learning how to say no, but if she struggles a bit I give her the option to say we haven't given her permission to do something. It gives her a way out.

Thanks for all your considered responses. To update, without I think any adult influence they kids involved went back and tidied up. Took quite some time I believe but I saw the snaps and they did a good job. Apparently they realised they’d messed up.

I would not have gone to the police over this. My main priority is ensuring my dd comes to me when she needs to and maintaining our relationship. Having said that we had a long and considered talk about actions, consequences and relationships. She’s very sporty, has many friends and knows what she wants out of life, but she can still make bad choices.

Her ‘friends’ though do not have the same eye on the future, and also find the school environment a real struggle. We discussed ways in which she can encourage them to make positive contributions - perhaps in some fundraising activities or similar - so that they can find a way to achieve something. I don’t like these kids but she does and, on the whole they’re not bad, just bored and largely unchallenged.

I have a problem currently with my dd15 being with the 'wrong crowd' , all drinking, smoking weed and parents who don't check up on them and they are out at 11pm drinking in woods. It took me a long time to accept that they weren't the problem but that my daughter wants to be around these kind of kids. We have tried and tried to get her to join stuff, sports etc, she flatly refuses. This group is involved in absolutely nothing outside of hanging around the town. She has anxiety and depression and we live in fear of her getting worse or doing something if we refuse to let her out and with them though recently we have. Sorry for hijacking your thread. I do think what some above said is true, ultimately they must want to change. Also she doesn't seem to care about the stress and upset she has caused around the drinking etc. We have assured her that her behaviour is tearing the family apart not her illness. Now think it's maybe all linked. Your dd sounds like she has sense coming to you like that

Her ‘friends’ though do not have the same eye on the future, and also find the school environment a real struggle. We discussed ways in which she can encourage them to make positive contributions - perhaps in some fundraising activities or similar - so that they can find a way to achieve something. I don’t like these kids but she does and, on the whole they’re not bad, just bored and largely unchallenged.

That's nice. But it's not her job to be rescuing or otherwisemanaging the behaviour of other children. My view would be it would be better for her to focus her attentions fully on herself and making new friendships. Not spending even more time with the other group

I have done this from an earlier age but now my sons are almost 14 and almost 17. We talk about how much things cost, so they know how much the sofas cost, or beds or holidays or cars that we have.

We have a nice, comfortable life and I am sure they want something similar for themselves. When you are a teenager minimum wage sounds like a huge amount of money. But does your DD know how far that will get out in the real world? How about you come up with a job and google the average starting wage for that job (including looking at local job ads) then look at what type of housing she could afford. Make it a game. Teaching is about £22k as a starting salary, that is something she can relate to. What mortgage can you get on that? Or rent? What sofa would she want, or bed, tv to put in it?

Make sure she understands that the bank of Mum and Dad is not forever, we don't live with our parents. Who is going to pay for her clothes, her food, her transport costs? What kind of holiday does she like, does she know how much that costs?

My children don't know what our mortgage is but do know how much our house cost and what it is worth now. Ds1 has an idea of how much we earn due to looking at university and funding. They both know what our council tax is, plus our utilities, plus how much their phones cost, the broadband, food for the year etc.

This might make her realise that education is a way to put yourself above others, potentially earn more than others. Also that if she was caught on CCTV and then she had a criminal record how this may prevent her from getting certain jobs in the future.