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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 / 17 year olds and boyfriends / girlfriends- help!

29 replies

Fairylea · 28/12/2019 16:03

What do other parents do / think in these situations?

We have a 16 year old dd. She has just started to date a 17 year old boy from her sixth form. They’ve been going out on lunch dates to the nearest town, hanging out in costa that sort of thing. All normal and good..

What happens as / if it progresses to a boyfriend and girlfriend stage in terms of them coming here / going to his.... I’m not talking staying over as we wouldn’t be happy with that. But I mean would you let them be upstairs together? What sort of parent would you be when it comes to these things? Relaxed and laid back - oh sure he can come round (like a female friend type thing) and hope they don’t have sex in your house.. or would you be god no he can’t come over unless he stays downstairs in the kitchen / living room where everyone is about?

I know legally they can have sex. It’s not about that. It’s about what is comfortable as a parent and not enabling the relationship to progress too quickly / too much etc.

Dh and I disagree over things - he is more “he’s never coming in her room” and I am more relaxed as I want her to feel it’s her home too....!

Tell me what you do. How you feel about it all. We are a bit lost!!

OP posts:
SunsetBoulevard3 · 28/12/2019 16:06

I think if they've been together a while and you know it's quite serious I would let the boyfriend stay over. However, in the first few months i would be a bit on edge. You can''t stop him going in her room really, just keep on popping in to see if they want a cup of tea or whatever!!

Original poster
Fairylea · 28/12/2019 16:08

I should add that although we probably sound ridiculously “old” we are really not and are fairly laid back in most respects... we are very proud of our dd, she’s a really good teen and works hard at school / has a part time job. I think we are struggling because dhs own parents were quite harsh and he doesn’t even have contact with them now and my mum was too far the other way which led to me making some really dodgy decisions! So we are wondering what other families do! Thanks.

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Original poster
Fairylea · 28/12/2019 16:08

Cross posted with the reply. Thank you. Keep the views coming! Flowers

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fairynick · 28/12/2019 16:09

They’re 16 and 17, where else are they gonna shag? Of course they should be allowed in her room. If you don’t want them to stay over then I suppose it’s your house, but aren’t kids that age a bit old for supervised play 😂

EvaHarknessRose · 28/12/2019 16:13

Allowed in her bedroom once you get to know him but with door open? Just have a chat with her. Tell her he is welcome but there will be some boundaries as you adjust to having someone else around. For example, being sociable and friendly when around other family members, not being all over each other, not staying over. Let her know you are pleased to meet him and that you are happy for arrangements to evolve with discussion.

Arewedone · 28/12/2019 16:14

For us the BF/GF came over for dinner a few times first and we had a chance to have chats with them and get to know them a little. After dinner would take over the TV room and we would leave them alone but as the relationship progressed they would disappear to bedrooms to “ listen to music” tbh at 16/17 it’s not a big deal. As long as the relationship is respectful and your Dd is not feeling pressured then I think just let them get on with it.

Mustbetimeforachange · 28/12/2019 16:14

Yep, just leave them be. I wouldn't be popping in. Knock, or you will embarrass yourself. It is tricky, but really, would you rather they did it in your house, or in the car, or whatever? Tell them you don't want to hear them! I was lucky, none of mine asked until they were 18, and by then they had quite long term relationships (actually, one has never asked & he's 20!).

Original poster
Fairylea · 28/12/2019 16:19

Thank you for all your replies. It’s really helpful reading them. I’ll be showing dh the thread and we can have a discussion about it later.

For all we know she may have got rid of him by now anyway Grin things change fast in teen world...! But it’s good to have a discussion about these things for the future.

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CointreauVersial · 28/12/2019 16:29

Someone said to me once - if two teenagers really want to kiss/grope/shag then they'll find a place to do it, regardless of what you say or do. I'd rather they were safe at home than in some bus shelter. You have to trust that they are sensible, and make sure they are equipped with the necessary knowledge (and, yes, birth control!) to look after themselves.

So we have always been OK with GF being in DS's room. He's now 20 and current GF regularly stays over. But it was hard at first! And YES to knocking. It took me a while to remember.

Your DD sounds like a sensible girl; you should trust her.

Original poster
Fairylea · 28/12/2019 17:40

Thanks. We’ve had all the birth control chats and she knows how to get the pill / condoms etc. She knows where the emergency clinic is too - we’ve had chats when some of her friends have got themselves into pickles! So she does tell us stuff.

I think the issue is more us feeling horribly uncomfortable with the idea of teens having sex in our house. The thought I might hear her makes me want to wear permanent ear defenders! Blush Urgghh!

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MoonlightMistletoe · 28/12/2019 19:34

Yes I'd allow him over and into her bedroom. I'd also start talking about sex with her if you haven't already, also I had a thought that perhaps you should have a stash of condoms in the bathroom cupboard I know it makes it seem like you are making it ok but I find they will probably end up doing it without one otherwise. That part is totally up to you though. I remember my first time I was younger than your DD and his mum had bought him some which I suppose reading it out loud sounds quite weird actually.

MoonlightMistletoe · 28/12/2019 19:36

Sorry totally missed that last post!

Hopefully there are respectful enough to do it while you are out.

user32564567 · 28/12/2019 19:37

Of course I'd let them into their bedrooms.

Bluedogyellowcat · 28/12/2019 19:41

My 17 year old and his girlfriend are allowed in his room but they’ve never asked if they can stay over. I would say, no, she has a perfectly good home 3 miles away and her own car. Personally I draw the line dork where and it’s at sleepover level, there’s no need in my opinion and it sets a level of boundary.

sproutsgalore · 28/12/2019 20:04

No staying over just yet, and if they are upstairs, then the rule is that the bedroom door stays open.

She may need that reassurance.

ragged · 28/12/2019 20:18

The only thing grosser than thinking about your parents' sex life... is thinking about your child's sex life .

But they are allowed to have one. You'll get more used to the idea, promise.

shadyzadie · 28/12/2019 20:29

To be fair, your DD is probably just as horrified at the thought of you and DH having sex when she's in the house!Wink

More seriously, it sounds like you have a really great relationship with your DD, you've had 'the talk' with her and trust her to be sensible. If the relationship does continue then the fact is they are very likely to be having sex. Whilst the thought of it might make you cringe, from your daughter's perspective it's probably going to be a much better experience all round if it's not in the back of a car, in the park, at a mate's party or wherever. The family home is a comfortable, safe place for her, with people to run to if something awful happens. I'm sure there's also some evidence about teens being less likely to practice safe sex when it's in a hurried 'let's do it quickly now while we can' scenario, but can't remember the exact details.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 28/12/2019 20:31

Oh, I am the mother of the son in this scenario Grin

You kind of grow into it, as a parent Wink

The girl's dad told DS he wanted to speak to his parents, and we had a funny chat Grin her parents have got to know DS now, and are more relaxed.

The girl comes to ours about twice a week, stays for dinner, spends half the weekend here. DS goes to hers a lot too and knows all her family by now.

The way I played it was that I told DS that any friend, or girlfriend of his is always welcome here. It makes things more "normal" to have dinner all together. And yes they spend time on the sofa under duvets in the dark, "watching a movie"Wink but to be honest, in my experience teens are always ahead of you.... So by the time I wondered about them having sex, I imagined they had probably already got there first!

You get used to it

Mainly I am happy she is such a lovely girl and that they are so sweet together (soppy)

But the first weeks I was definitely out of my depth!

New chapters of parenting....

Ragwort · 28/12/2019 20:36

I wouldn’t allow staying over (in the same bedroom) as another poster says it is perfectly easy for my DS’s GF to get home & she has her own car. He has stayed over at her house, but I know for a fact that he sleeps in the sofa (I know the parents). I appreciate that they are probably in a sexual relationship but I see no reason to facilitate their sex life, they visit each other at Uni.

What teenagers want to have sex in the same house as their parents anyway? Grin. I had a healthy sex life as a teenager but no way would I have wanted a boyfriend to stay overnight in my parents home.

TrixchangeK · 28/12/2019 20:39

Definitely let him come over and let them in her room. Now DH and I first got together at 17! Grin

Mamabear88 · 28/12/2019 20:47

I think if they are in a relationship then you need to accept that. My DH and I both got together at 16 and are now almost 32! People assume that it's puppy love at that age and don't take you seriously but some teenage romances last. All I can say is they will find a way to be together whether you like it or not and by forbidding them from spending time alone at your house will just make them find somewhere else and most likely start lieing to you, I talk from experience on that front as my mum was very strict and of the same mindset as your DH. I think being upfront and honest with each other is the best course of action. And like you say - earplugs :)

IHaveBrilloHair · 28/12/2019 20:50

I allowed them to be together in her room, then staying over.
They now live together, celebrate three years together in February.
Dd is 18, BF is 19.

TranquilityofSolitude · 28/12/2019 20:59

Just to put a slightly different perspective, we didn't allow boyfriends in bedrooms until our DDs were at university. We wanted to be sure that they would feel safe and wouldn't feel under pressure to have sex just because it was possible. It's up to you how you navigate this period but if you're worried that you'll be alone in keeping boyfriends downstairs you won't be - there's quite a variation in what families consider appropriate at this stage.

Chocolatecake12 · 28/12/2019 21:00

I have a teenage son aged 17 who has had the same girlfriend for over a year now. At first they were like your dd, lunch together at school, movies, parties or coffee out etc. We knew her from mutual friends so knew the family a bit which I think helped.
They are both very sensible and took things very slowly.
She would Come here for dinner, he would go there. After dinner they’d go upstairs but with the door open. I’d pop in with hot chocolate after a while!!
Now we’re at the stage where they sleep over each other’s.
It’s been a gradual thing and I’ve always been open minded and he’s been able to talk to me.
My advice would be to do the same - let things gradually happen and keep the lines of communication open!

Original poster
Fairylea · 29/12/2019 08:53

Really good to read the replies. This is a whole new world for us...! Grin

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