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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do I have a right to know?

71 replies

Guardsman18 · 28/12/2019 13:58

Hi

I have a problem and was wondering if anyone has an answer as I can't speak to the school until January.

My DS (15) has asked to have a chat to the school nurse in their nuture room at school. This has taken place and he has been given a number to contact.

Can I 'demand' that I am included in whatever they are telling him given his age?

Thank you

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 28/12/2019 13:59

No.

HirplesWithHaggis · 28/12/2019 13:59

No, I don't think so, assuming he's what they used to call "Gillick competent".

1plus2equalstrouble · 28/12/2019 14:00

I and why would you want to. You demanding to be there is likely to lose him down from asking the questions he wants to ask, otherwise he'd do it at the docs with you there.

Make it clear he can talk to you about it if he wants.

Lulualla · 28/12/2019 14:01

Maybe you should focus on building a relationship with your son. Whatever it is, he feels he cannot speak to you but he has been grown up enough to go to a trustworhthy and responsible adult to ask for help. I think that shows a level of maturity you should be proud of. Have you told him that? Or have you just shouted at him and demanded to know?

You should be wondering why he cant talk to you, and perhaps think about your behaviour. If it is as aggressive and domineering as the word "demanding" suggests then you need to take a step back.

What have your conversations with him been like?

LizzieVereker · 28/12/2019 14:03

No, his conversation with the nurse is confidential.

ThereWillBeAdequateFood · 28/12/2019 14:03

You don’t have a right to know

FadedRed · 28/12/2019 14:03

No is the short answer. At 15 a NT child would be classed as ‘Gillick competent’ and has a right to privacy. The HCP would have advised him that it would be good idea to discuss with parents, but would not inform you against his wishes.

bumblingbovine49 · 28/12/2019 14:08

If be delighted that my child was mature enough to find an appropriate, trustworthy adult to confide in if they had a problem. If that person wasn't me, I'd be disappointed but would not show it to him at all. If just say how pleased I was that he was asking for the appropriate help for whatever was bothering him..I'd also reiterate that if he ever wanted to talk to me I'd be there tomorrow listen.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 28/12/2019 14:09

Ok. Thanks. To the poster who objected to the word demand, I did put it in inverted commas!

I have told him that he can talk to me about anything. I am proud of him that he sorted this out himself.

One question though - what if he's not NT?

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 28/12/2019 14:12

If he's not NT, he can still be Gillick competent. That would ultimately be a decision for a court, I suppose, though I can't see that improving family relations.

1plus2equalstrouble · 28/12/2019 14:17

I'd assume if the nurse has spoken to him and given him a no to contact for further advice / support thst she's happy he's Gilick competent.

How do you know he called the nurse and got a no?

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 28/12/2019 14:22

Thanks to those who answered my question. I know now that that avenue is closed. I can think of other ways to help him.

Why, when someone asks a genuine question on here sometimes, do posters feel the need to be critical of their parenting? You know nothing about me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 28/12/2019 14:25

I found a card in his school bag. I just feel really useless at the moment.

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 28/12/2019 14:26

Generally you never find out what DC have been talking to nurses/pastoral care about at school even in primary. On the whole this is good as they know they can speak confidentially so they feel free. (Sometimes I think it is ultimately unhelpful for the young person, but the confidentiality rule is pretty sacrosanct.)

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 28/12/2019 14:28

I had no idea Teen that that was the case. I am not saying that it should be any different either. I just didn't know.

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 28/12/2019 14:28

The difficulty I think is some children even at 15 do not have a good rounded view of themselves / their situation. If the 'professional' takes what they are saying at face value it can lead to unhelpful advice being given. (This is also true for careers advice.)

LoveNote · 28/12/2019 14:30

Why were you even in his school again?

LoveNote · 28/12/2019 14:30

*bag

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 28/12/2019 14:32

I agree with you. I am not happy with the advice given which is why I was asking if I could intervene. I feel he has more to deal with than this issue and that is going to be hidden behind this.

Sorry if I'm not clear. I'm just upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 28/12/2019 14:33

Nothing sinister - getting his lunch box out!

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 28/12/2019 14:35

If you do have concerns related to not being NT, what you could do, is contact the number and give info so it's 'on record'.
e.g. I am aware my son has been given your number to contact by the school nurse. He won't volunteer this information but he has autism and this means for him that … Please can this be noted so people can give advice appropriately'

My eldest has dyspraxia, and is very black and white in her thinking, and doesn't pick up on hints/suggestions. She has finally just about learned with healthcare providers and work to tell them this, and to say 'if you need me to do something, please just say 'Do X', not 'you might find it helpful if you could try to do X'.

Todaythiscouldbe · 28/12/2019 14:35

You don't have a right to know what was discussed, however, given that there is clearly something else going on, you do have the right to speak to pastoral/head of year yourself and make them aware of your concerns.

TeenPlusTwenties · 28/12/2019 14:37

Love I am often in my DD's schoolbag, it's not considered by either of us to be a 'private' place. I help her make sure she has the right books etc, as she finds school and its organisation overwhelming at times.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 28/12/2019 14:40

Ok. Thank you for this information. It's really helping and changes things a bit doesn't it?

So the organisation wouldn't divulge anything to him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 28/12/2019 14:41

Thank you Teen.

OP posts: