Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Do I have a right to know?

71 replies

Guardsman18 · 28/12/2019 13:58

I have a problem and was wondering if anyone has an answer as I can't speak to the school until January.

My DS (15) has asked to have a chat to the school nurse in their nuture room at school. This has taken place and he has been given a number to contact.

Can I 'demand' that I am included in whatever they are telling him given his age?

Thank you

OP posts:

Saucery · 15/01/2020 14:26

With the exception of gender reassignment, the advice he is going to get will be beneficial. I can't think of any other medical pathway he could be sent down that would do him harm.

Original poster

Guardsman18 · 15/01/2020 14:27

Well, if he's sexually active I'd like to know with whom! I'm still arranging play dates.

OP posts:

Original poster

Guardsman18 · 15/01/2020 14:32

Thanks Saucery

OP posts:

Topseyt · 15/01/2020 15:01

It is difficult at that age, but unfortunately you do need to accept that his discussions with the school nurse and the GP are confidential. If the child is deemed competent then parents have no right to be involved or even in the room unless said child has asked them to be there or has agreed to the GP/nurse inviting them into the room.

I've been through this a fair bit with my now 17 year old DD3, who has mental health issues. I have had to be involved in many of the appointments due to the nature of them, and also with the school, who had put together a plan to keep her safe there which involved them contacting me at times if she had deviated from wherever she was expected to be.

But she is Gillick competent really and will be 18 in July. So I am involved less now unless she asks. Sometimes I am in the waiting room so can be called if needed. Really though, I am mostly there now to drive her home afterwards as it rarely sits well with school bus times.

It is hard, but their privacy is important to them and all you can do is ensure that they know you are there for them if needed. They need to know that you won't push them too hard and won't judge them (I'm not trying to suggest that you are doing that btw). He may open up to you in his own time. My DD does.

zoobincan · 15/01/2020 15:10

Well, if he's sexually active I'd like to know with whom! I'm still arranging play dates.

Oh. Really?

I read your thread when you first posted but didn't reply because I thought it was really odd that you didn't understand the want for privacy. But this is way beyond odd with a 15 year old tbh.

Saucery · 15/01/2020 15:28

15 yr olds vary so much, zoobincan I don’t think it’s fair to call it ‘way beyond odd’.

I stopped attending with my DS at 14, but I always asked what was said in appointments because I am his Mum, I am interested in his health and I care. You are not wrong to do so, you know your own DS and you seem worried it might be something to do with mental health like gender dysphoria?
Actually, we do owe our parents some engagement at that age, because our 15 yr old problems are going to affect the family. Parents can’t help if they don’t know what’s going on.
As parents we don’t have the right to interfere or forbid (except in the case of body/gender dysmorphia imo) but I believe a healthy relationship doesn’t have any secrets.
Having said the above, if it’s something he is embarrassed to tell you, he sees the GP and it’s sorted, then that’s ok.

zoobincan · 15/01/2020 15:32

@Saucery

I was talking about arranging play dates. Not attending appointments.

Saucery · 15/01/2020 15:34

I know you were, but there are many reasons why a 15 yr old might need help socially and I think OP was being tongue in cheek calling them ‘play dates’.

ThunderboltandLightning · 15/01/2020 15:41

My DS is 14. I still arrange his 'play dates' but more from the logistics side. We live miles from any of his friends and limited public transport options. If he wants to meet up, he needs my help to do it, be that support with working out trains and buses, or giving him a lift. His friends parents will also message me to see if he is available before the kids make direct contact so that they don't plan timings that just can't work and have to be let down.

I have also still been attending all medical appointments with him. He would struggle on his own. And he is NT. There is a huge range in teenagers. Some are very mature very young, others aren't.

I don't see either as odd.

okiedokieme · 15/01/2020 15:47

Even if they are not nt (my dd is autistic) they have a right to privacy though there's exceptions if they are considered a threat to themselves - eg my DD's gp wouldn't let her leave the surgery until I came and spoke to her because she was so worried, dd was 19 at the time (alternative was being sectioned). My dd tells me everything though, but I trust her to go to the gp alone (from 14)

ReallyLilyReally · 15/01/2020 17:44

Well, if he's sexually active I'd like to know with whom! I'm still arranging play dates.

Id assume then with whoever he's having playdates with...

Original poster

Guardsman18 · 16/01/2020 15:45

Thanks Really. That's so comforting!

OP posts:

ReallyLilyReally · 16/01/2020 17:02

I know it's not particularly nice to think about, but it's pretty normal for 15yr olds to have sex, tbh

Original poster

Guardsman18 · 16/01/2020 18:07

Yes of course it is and I understand that. I have a suspicion that's it's a trans issue. Sorry if my terminology isn't correct but I'm upset and angry that schools and the internet can put this stuff out there (without my knowledge), influence my child and then oh it's yours to deal with now.

I do not want to pay lip service to this. Does anyone know if the GP would speak to me before he sees him? Just let me speak. GP doesn't need to confirm just note it down.

I can cope with a lot and have done, but this I cannot. It's like a cult. I am so upset so sorry for the rant.

OP posts:

ReallyLilyReally · 16/01/2020 19:01

I would be very, very careful in discussing this with your son if that's your attitude, or you'll alienate him even further. It's now quite clear to me why he reached out to the nurse at school rather than speaking to you first.

Saucery · 16/01/2020 19:42

www.transgendertrend.com/

This may be helpful if you haven’t come across it before, with advice and support for parents who are concerned about the transgender issue.

Original poster

Guardsman18 · 16/01/2020 22:14

Thank you Saucery.

Of course I won't say to him what I have put on here. That is why I am on here trying to get my head around it. Yes, he is important but so is everyone else in the family. This place sometimes astounds me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Guardsman18 · 16/01/2020 22:33

And I'm sure the school nurse is out of her depth too Really.

OP posts:

Original poster

Guardsman18 · 17/01/2020 12:27

If you find it beyond odd zoo. So do I, but he is what he is which is why I try to help him.

It may not come across as this but I really am trying to understand. I'm reading things that pp have kindly posted for me and it scares me that people in authority may have more influence than I have over his decisions.

After all, he is a child. I can only hope that not every health professional is jumping on the bandwagon with this issue and agreeing with everything he says for fear of being labelled trans phobic.

OP posts:

ReallyLilyReally · 17/01/2020 13:12

Respectfully, he's not a child. He's 15, and he knows himself better than you know him. You need to trust him here.

Original poster

Guardsman18 · 17/01/2020 13:18

Thanks for your reply Really. I can understand what you have said. I will trust him. I'm not sure I trust people with the authority to influence him at the moment. We'll see.

I suppose I'm just scared of not dealing with things well for him so this is helping massively.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3