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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Problems at home DD14yr advise please!

46 replies

floq · 30/11/2019 22:42

Its 10.26pm and my 14yr is not home yet. she left around 2.30, to be home at 18.30. dont know where she is. told me she was going to do her friends hear. i asked her to call me when she is at friends house so i could speak to friend and her mum. dont know what to do. apparently all her friends parent do not check up on them. am the only one who has a problem.
I dont want her in my home. i have called police many times when she goes off. one weekend she was gone for the whole weekend. we have a support worker for 2 weeks. but nothing is helping, nothing since to work. she does not respond to anything. she wants to be running around with her many friends.
dont want to let her in tonight, i am tired, so mad. dont know what to
I am a nurse, am afraid of losing my job but at this point i cannot give in to her. any advise?

OP posts:

missmapp · 30/11/2019 22:51

That sounds really hard. Had she messaged you at all tonight ? Could she stay over with a friend to give you a break.

missmapp · 30/11/2019 22:52

Just to say, I have a 14 year old and would be checking in him if he wasn't home when he said he would be. All his friends parents that I know would do the sa me

Original poster

floq · 30/11/2019 23:03

her phone keeps going to voice message. she does what ever she pleases. and she refuse to go live with her Dad.

OP posts:

areyouafraidofthedark · 30/11/2019 23:05

Have you always called her friends parents to check where she is? Or is that only because she goes missing a lot?

Original poster

floq · 30/11/2019 23:17

i know the friends but not the parents. i call when she goes missing. sometimes they are helpful other times they ignore my calls except for one friend.

OP posts:

Howmanysleepsnow · 30/11/2019 23:24

Suggesting she goes to live with her dad may not be the best idea. She needs to know you want her.
Couldn’t you drop her at the friends house so you can be sure where she is, or let the friend come to you? I’d be worried she was being groomed etc.

Original poster

floq · 30/11/2019 23:40

to be honest i dont want her here. i am putting a roof over her head that's all she wants. she will not let me help her. always in her room on her phone, as for the grooming she denies it.
she is looking and mixing with the wrong crowd.

OP posts:

fallfallfall · 01/12/2019 00:16

how are you doing OP.
my teens weren't easy so i can offer a hand hold if you need it.
any further developments on your end?

789ab · 01/12/2019 00:26

Hi sorry to hear your having a tough time it will get better I’m sure I went through it with my teenager just keep calm and pick your battles your doing well and one day you will both look back on this and laugh and it’s normal to be checking in with other parents has she been offered any help ie mentoring services or can the school help as if the police have been called it should be flagged up as a merlin report hope your ok stressful I know

Original poster

floq · 01/12/2019 10:02

Good Morning
Thank you for your comments and advise. just to clarify - is it not that i don't want her, i love her, she is my DD but i dont want her living here with me anymore.
dont agree with her lack of respect or how she carries on in life, no care, take and take, have fun and more fun. no respect for authority either, cant cope with her behaviour!!!. i have tried to help her. I cannot tell her anything. she responds to nothing, she wont even let me take her phone or how do i take it from her. nothing works
she will be happy if i let her be, do as she pleases.

Problems started in yr 7. we have had numerous suspensions from school, expelled(short term) end yr7 moved to new school. she was caught shoplifting with her friends, behaviour problems continued but got better.
could go on and on. every week is there is a problem, late to school,detention, ect. for various problems
she is a bully, physical abuse from her in past, verbally abusive when she doesn't get her way. steals from me ect.
we were under CAMHs- they were not helpful, had CIN Plan -(school found her distributing inappropriate material on social media)-as a result support from young girls sexual exploitation team in our local borough. we have had 2 support workers ect. past months she has been going out and staying overnight not knowing where or who she is with. I dont know how to help my DD. or she wont accept what i have to offer her. though cant afford boarding, have explored it with her and she refuses. what do i do???

called the police to fill a missing person and because she has done this before, they have not been around, they said to call them when she shows up. its 10am DD not home, dont know where she is

OP posts:

Original poster

floq · 01/12/2019 10:09

and thanks so much for listening but i really cant do this anymore. i am a single parent, no family here either for support. i have many friends but they dont know the level of problems i am dealing with at home so thank you!!

OP posts:

holly40 · 01/12/2019 10:18

If you don't want her living with you anymore what are the options? Would she be taken into care? Where is her father?

Singlenotsingle · 01/12/2019 10:26

If she won't let you take the phone, stop paying the bill. If it's PAYG, just don't give her any money. My mum used to say, "do what you like. I don't care". (She did care). Or she'd say she'd put me in "a home". I wasn't a bad girl at all but it made me behave.

Original poster

floq · 01/12/2019 11:05

1st option Dad. she refused. he also pays for her phone bill.
2nd option boarding school which i cant afford but she said no to boarding. state boarding is expensive as well. i applied for funding but she does not meet the criteria

i have considered just throwing her stuff out an locking my door. but i will get into trouble and she knows that.
i have tried everything, she is not bothered. the only thing that will shake her is if she actually come to some harm on the streets-she is generally not bothered. no emotions,no feelings, cold, she doesn't even say sorry when she gets home.
all she says is i know, i know, you dont have to keep telling me over and over.
not ever am sorry

OP posts:

notnowmaybelater · 01/12/2019 11:18

Something's surely not right - are you sure she's not being groomed? Certainly the "bad crowd" she seems to be in with are a huge factor.

Do you have younger children to protect? If not then I suspect a doors always open, you can always talk to me, I have your back no matter what approach might be best, while keeping money and valuables locked away Telling her you'd rather she moved out will make everything worse - if she wanted to move in with her dad it might be the best option, but pushing her out won't be.

Moving altogether might actually be the best option unless you have other school aged children who'd suffer. Although if you think she'd run away from home if you moved hundreds of miles for a fresh start that would be much worse of course...

I have a 14 year old DD and can't imagine this scenario, it sounds impossibly hard, but telling her you don't want her to live with you sounds absolutely brutal and guaranteed to smash her self esteem and mean she feels unable to approach you for help if she's got in over her head with drugs or a grooming gang or something else awful and desperately needs help to extradite herself but can't bear to admit it (children who go off the rails usually have low self esteem despite seeming cockey and not to give a shit).

I hope she's home now or you know where she is?

Original poster

floq · 01/12/2019 12:46

i am considering moving away but the problems will follow no matter where. i believe she has a borderline personality. told this to ss,camhs,support worker but they all thing i am the problem, not letting her out ect. i let her go out with her friends. she has lot of friends,she makes friends with strangers on line(other girls she meets online)or through other people.
i dont have access to her phone now but a year ago she was getting very inappropriate message from her friends and strangers of sexual content. once she found out she changed her password.
i believe whatever she is getting into she wants to
she loves hanging around after school, high street or chicken shop. the school even gave them curfew at on point but behaviour still continues. she enjoys all the risk taking behaviour.
she is intelligent but values her friends more than education.
no after school activity-no interest. its 12.45 and still no word from her

OP posts:

Mumof1andacat · 01/12/2019 13:00

Report her missing to the police and contact social services.

Original poster

floq · 01/12/2019 13:03

i have, the police call ever 4hrs to check if she is home

OP posts:

fallfallfall · 01/12/2019 16:09

What has been suggested to you in the past? Do you have the energy to try and sort this, you sound exhausted and this problem will be a big challenge for several months at least.
Getting control of the phone sounds key, will ex help?

Fleetheart · 01/12/2019 16:20

Hi, I’m sorry for what you are going through. Have you heard from her yet?

Original poster

floq · 01/12/2019 17:54

Thank you all for your kind comments. feeling much better. DD still not home yet. have been listening to(you tube) artist for greenfield-bridge over troubled waters and reading other experiences on this forum helped a bit. lots of challenges with our teens.

dont get along with ex-he is not helpful. older son in uni. just DD and myself at home. going to have to work this out with her till end of term. going to explore my options, speak to ss,
when she walks in tonight or tomorrow the door is going to be opened. thats all can do for now till i have an option, soon i hope.

for all the parents out there!!!-( i love this video on you tube-troubled waters-artist for greenfield) its a tough job!! and it feels good to cry!!!

OP posts:

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 01/12/2019 19:04

Hope she is home safe and you can relax a bit now!

MollyButton · 01/12/2019 19:08

I think you could do with talking to SS and seeing if they can refer you (both) to some kind of family therapy.

Original poster

floq · 01/12/2019 21:43

still not home. not answering her phone. i have tried her friends.
@MollyButton we had 4 sessions family therapist from camhs. did not help.

OP posts:

Tarrarra · 01/12/2019 21:54

I'm sorry you are going through this. Can you install find my phone or similar on her mobile? Will the police not look for her as she had now been missing so long? Speaking to ss sounds like a good plan as you can't do this long term. It must be very draining.. Hugs to you. X

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