Problems at home DD14yr advise please!

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Its 10.26pm and my 14yr is not home yet. she left around 2.30, to be home at 18.30. dont know where she is. told me she was going to do her friends hear. i asked her to call me when she is at friends house so i could speak to friend and her mum. dont know what to do. apparently all her friends parent do not check up on them. am the only one who has a problem.
I dont want her in my home. i have called police many times when she goes off. one weekend she was gone for the whole weekend. we have a support worker for 2 weeks. but nothing is helping, nothing since to work. she does not respond to anything. she wants to be running around with her many friends.
dont want to let her in tonight, i am tired, so mad. dont know what to
I am a nurse, am afraid of losing my job but at this point i cannot give in to her. any advise?

As you say, when she comes home, open the door. Feed her, let her sleep and then talk. Hard as it is, try not to show her how angry you are. Calm patience and being annoyingly reasonable is far more effective.

You are losing your daughter take her phone (put a hammer to it) cut off WiFi, go off sick from work and save her she needs her mum don't give up on her downs every minute of every day trying to get through to her, put her on house arrest do anything you can sounds like she is a troubled girl x

Is she home yet OP?

I know you say her dad isn’t helpful but does he understand the extent of the issue? Is there any extended family on either side who could help or who she could stay with for a bit?

It really feels like the workers and agencies that need to be intervening can’t or won’t until something catastrophic happens.
I’m so sorry that must be terrifying.

Is she in contact with her older brother at all?

Only other people I could think you might want to talk to are her friend’s parents? I wonder if they realise what’s going on. They might stop their own DDs hanging out with yours or letting her stay over and that might cut off some of her options

I have a 14yo DD. There's no way she'd be allowed out without me knowing where she is

Take her phone off her, take her to school and pick her up each day, she stays home after school and does her homework. Speak to the school to back you up with this. Get support from social services and explain how exhausted you are with all this, and keep talking until they get you some help.

She sounds tough to manage but you sound exhausted and not able to put up much of a fight at the moment. Not surprising as she's ground you down but you need help and back up. The inappropriate sexual stuff is a massive red flag as I'm sure you know.

she is not home yet. 2 weeks ago she did the same. was gone for weekend. showed up in school with a uniform her friend gave her. its likely she will do same tomorrow.
am tired can't sleep. @missmuck i tried not to loose her.if you knew her

have you had the opportunity to go through her room?
might be an ideal time to strip it to a bare mattress, only a few items of clothing. nothing hard nothing sharp all items put away including anything on the walls (preferably off site if she's volatile).
you may find some hints as to her friends and interests, she could then earn back her belongings, don't omit checking the vents and under carpet edges.

Does she self harm or have a history of being abused by someone? Why do you think she has a personality disorder? A diagnosis at 14 would be unlikely without the risk factors in play, which include a family history of personality disorders and a trigger in the individual's own biography.

Hyersexualised or sexually abusive behaviour from a young teen (and you say messaging sexually inappropriate material from your DD to other children started some time ago) is usually a sign that the young person has been abused themselves - it's possible this has happened without you knowing, but it's a massive reason you need to try to reopen channels of communication.

I hope she comes home today - she sounds incredibly challenging but also incredibly damaged. Sadly the less likable and communicative a child or teen is the more desperately in need of unconditional love and support they are. Of course it's desperately hard as a parent and you need support too, from social services and an adolescent psychiatry team ideally.

I hope she comes home today and you can talk.

Any sign of her OP?

DD not home. missed 2 days of school. she called yesterday and i briefly spoke to the friend she is staying with. parents of friend not aware she has been allowed in home. today spoke to brother of daughters friend.he was not aware she ran away from home.got his name and school he attends, will be calling school in morning.

then she called again, wants me to unfreeze my bank card which she took. to buy food and if i dont she is not coming home for a month. am flabbergasted!!

Have you spoken to the police or social services? What did they advise?

police looking for her.she could be anywhere. once am able to get more information they will go and pick her up.same for ss.

It sounds like freezing the card was a good thing.
I’d come up with a plausible story, possibly that the bank has issued you a new card, new security measure you had to go in person. Now need to meet up if she want a valid bank card. Then organize police and ss.
Meanwhile are you able to check online where it was last used and what was purchased?
Is your ex aware of the situation (even if he’s useless)? I’d notify family as well in case she’s getting money from them.
Have you considered the full room search/clear out?

Is she still staying with her friend? Can the police not pick her up from there? Or if she's attending school , from there?

Trust me, this is when your daughter needs you the must. What is your relationship like? How did you communicate in the past? If that relationship as gone to pot then you need to work on building that up. To me she doesn't feel cared for, just a burden! So she's 'acting out' she needs to feel safe and loved. I'm in way saying you don't but she picking up on something or has something happened her.

I'm saying this because that's how I lived my teens, I never came home (I never felt like my mum cared) I stayed out because she never showed me love or security. She wasnt a parent. She may have said it but I 100% believe behaviour speaks volumes be that negative or positive. my mum would ask me to go live with my dad then my dad would ask me to go live with my mum (i was too much for them- i was the angry one) When all I wanted was someone to listen to me and care for me.

This behaviour is coming from somewhere that's deep in her core. How do you and her deal with each others emotions?

Sorry, just read rest of your thread. Why is her friends not telling you were she is? Have the police contacted the "friends"?

Are you sure she hasn’t been groomed? She sounds like the girls in Three Girls. Have you seen that?

My son is 14, don’t let him out with his friends after 8.30 n a school night and about 9-9.30 at the weekend. He tells me nobody’s parents check on them, I said I don’t care, that’s their problem. He is our responsibility and we care too much to just let him out whenever, wherever. I text and phone him to check if he’s ok and where he is, it drives him nuts but I’m doing it anyway. I hope things get easier for you. I’ve removed his phone several times for his cheek or things I’ve seen him and his friends texting about which you don’t people want their age to talk about..! I said if it happens again there’s no phone.

my!!! DD gone off again!!, last night at 2300. she text me at 01.00 to say she was fine and with a friend. called the police again anyway. she is doing this every weekend. and i am done crying for now. i need a plan now!!
love will work, i have lots to give, but she is not interested. she knows i love her. i am sweet and kind. i have all the time but she is not interested in having a relationship with me.(just DD at home)
Tbh we dont communicate. only when she wants something.
always in her room, on her phone,her freinds and always some beef!

grooming i dont think so or i have not seen any evidence of that . she appears confident,very selfish, very smart, manipulative.
she looks after herself appearance.fixates on her hair,ect,ect.wakes at 06.30 to get ready for school and leaves home 7.50.

Tbh she looks down on me. her Dad appears to be more posh(but fake) . she proud of him(appears rich but he really gives me no money)
i try to talk to her daily.always not interested, rushing me to finish what i am saying, "0k, ok, are you finish". what i get every day.
in past i have vented my frustration. now i dont. she has gone missing every weekend the past 3 weeks. there has been no arguments each time. missing from sat till tueday night(missed 2 days of school) on wed bought her 2 books ( i will not be erased and to all the boys ive loved before) to cheer her up!!. dont think she read either.
yesterday a delivery from amazon with my name-(small earings) she bought and said her friend bought them for her, anyway i did not want to cause another argument so i let it go. after she went missing i rang amazon. and she had bought the earings.
we have
SS family intervention team for about 2 weeks, to help the family.
i do believe whatever she is doing she wants to. in yr 7 a boy referred to her as "a wannabe" a "road woman".
i might appear i dont want her or love her but i do love her just dont want her at home, if she is going missing every weekend, also phone calls from school, she is late, no home work, she was involved in this and that ect.. i cannot manage her.
she is out roaming about late at night, doing whatever she wants(at 14yr) we all know the consequences. i cannot keep her safe in my home. this might lead into something ugly, quickly!! pregnancy, drugs,gangs.

@catspyjamas123 no not seen the 3 girls. she is very money driven if any grooming for that, to get money, or (lack of money at home).she thinks we dont have money. sorry it makes me sick!!
she told me the support worker told her she was not as bad as other kids

i think we are fine with money. i live a simple life. i just cannot afford the luxury she wants. i say go live with your Dad (keeping up with the jones) but she does not want to. he will not tolerate her behaviour

Then pack up her room and take all her stuff to her dads

Text her that’s where you’re staying.

Don’t give in.