Is this considered emotional abuse?

[Lanny81]

Morning all,
Ill get straight into it and try to keep it short...so my Daughter has been been in a very on/off relationship with this lad for 6 months now. Things moved quickly at first and it wasn't long before they were a couple. He seemed like a really well rounded, hard working, lovely guy at first. Doesn't do drugs, he has goals etc and thats what stood out to DD.
Hes her first proper relationship and first sexual partner (shes almost 18). Anyway, all through their "relationship" hes been awful to her. Dumped her 6 times completely out of the blue, with different excuses each time. Then 2 days, or a week later hes begging for her back. She has been crushed every time. He breaks promises, cancels plans, wouldnt come to our place, and then there were the other girls...hes not physically cheated as far as DD knows but hes messaged them etc.
Sounds like a typical "too young for a relationship" thing doesn't it but hes been nasty in other ways...comparing her to other girls,(one time he was doing it for iver half and hour, she mentioned another guy and he punched her on the leg and told her to get out of the house. She got her bag to leave but he went running after her sayimg he was so sorry), making her want to change her appearance, saying shes not curvy enough then in the next breath shes got cellulite and so they should go to the gym together.
Hes messaged one of her best friends and told her hes always wanted her..he said he had done it to piss my DD off.
If she puts something on social media and another guy laughs or likes it hes accusing her of messaging that guy and so she has to delete stuff off social media to save arguments.
They had split up for just over a month and she was doing fab but he was soo bloody jealous to a point where he was getting his friends to watch her...one time 2 of his friends hit this guy who was having a conversation with my DD. She says he had nothing to do with it and was totally down to his friends. Bull!
She makes excuses for his bad behaviour ALL THE TIME. Makes excuses for him dumping her , stuff like "hes busy, hes having a hard time, hes stressed"
When they split I messaged him asking her to leave her alone and stop messing with her head. He blocked me! No reply, nothing. I was perfectly nice to him even though i felt like ripping his balls off but he told my DD i had "had a right go at him" SUCH A LIE! So hes got me out of the way now..could this be the start of the isolation phase?? Because theres only me who will front him about how hes treat her. And shes been awful towards me lately. Like she hates me. I cant even mention his name without being told to shut it.
So anyway hes managed to worm his way back in, just as she started to move on...it was "I love you so much, Im sorry, it won't happen again I promise". And shes gone back!!! But i have info from her best friend saying that theyve been arguing already because of his lies. She got up to leave and he was like no im sorry, please stay bla bla bla.
Hes also told her shes to start saving money at his house. Shes to save £100 a month out of her wages. No idea why shes to save it at his house as shes got a savings account but Im not happy about it. What happens when the split again (is going to happen without a doubt!). Shes got to go back to get her money back.
Her mates HATE him, I hate him and were tryimg to back off an leave her to it but really we all want to step in and stop whats going on.
Any advice please im out if my mimd with worry xx

Omg op this is chilling to read to the point I would do anything you can to get her home with her belongings asap and if the boys parents are there I would be having a word with them also and take her dad with you also if you can.

I wouldn't be surprised if hes spending your daughters savings either, he sounds dreadful and thank God that she isn't pregnant by him so far as that will be next type of stunt he will pull.

And as soon as you get her home would call womens aid on loudspeaker with her present just to show her how wrong and controlling this relationship is.

Sorry that your family are going through this op.

The more I write stuff down on paper, the more uneasy I feel because its there in black and white.
The last 3 weeks have been the worse. Since she got back with him. The money, her not going out, not pampering herself (btw he apparently prefers her natural, no make up, plain jane basically yet he says shes got a square head and shes ugly)
I honestly believe, and you can call me crazy, i dont mind lol but I believe he knows about the other guy she started seeing when they broke up for the month and rather than kick off about it, hes tightened his grip on her. Sort of to make sure she doesnt meet anyone else again?
You see this guy she started seeing is known to him..they went on a lads holiday earlier this year. DD Knew this guy before she even met her bf.
She says he doesnt know about the other guy but why was this guy approached by her bfs (well ex bf at the time) other group of friends and questioned about him and my DD? Surely if they know, the bf knows?
Im not sure snd I may be clutching at straws here but i think his reasons for wanting her back are more than just realising (suddenly) how much he really loves her.
My mind is in overdrive at the monent though so I could just be thinking too much into it

@Lanny81 That sounds truly awful for you all. It's good her friends are aware of some of it though. I'm in no way an expert so I don't want you to take anything I say as gospel but if I was in your position I'd try all I could to make DD understand the severity of what's going on. If you can get her to look at something called the Hollie Gazzard Trust and download their app 'Hollie Guard' from the app store. It is a personal safety app that can send alerts if she's in any sort of danger. I imagine she will be reluctant but perhaps just tell her it can just be there for emergencies if ever she needs help (she can set emergency contacts to send alerts too). However it may not be a good idea if he looks at her phone for any reason. There's a Domestic Violence National helpline who can give support also which you may find useful. It's all on Google. Hope this helps. Xx

This post has made me so sad. I was in yhe exact same relationship at 18!!!

He was always cheating and I made excuses, never went out with my friends wtc because of the trouble and accusations id get. I went out once against his will for a good friends bday and received a picture of another girl naked in his bed as punishment... yet still went back? Why? He would make me think he was the best thing since sliced bread an noone else would ever go near me . I was ‘lucky’
Loads more happened and one day I just woke up. Everyone had been telling me till they were blue in the face I don’t know what made me see sense but thank god I did and never had children etc.

Now very happy in a relationship for 4 years with 100 percent respect etc. I realised what was important in a partner.

Sorry no advise. I just hope she sees sense. Could you suggest the coil or implant to avoid pregnancy ?! Just so it’s long term.

@Cordial11
That must have been awful for you too!
And the way he punished you- ive always said that Im sure that dickhead punishes her. Like yesterday with the insults and "joking" about going to the markets etc. I wonder if she had done something ie said that another guy on the TV was fit or maybe shes told him that shes spent some of her wages. Im not sure but somethings triggered him and probably something so bloody small and irrelevant.
100% she knows whats going on because shes telling her bestie stuff so its got to be worrying her. But why won't she tell me?!!
I want a switch to flip and she finally realises that she needs to get out of this asap. But as I said, i think she knows but shes always defending him and playing it down to try and make sense of it
Someone suggested her speaking to one of his exes and seeing if there were similarities in the way he treat them? Because according to him, his ex was "crazy" but apparently he made her that way...
As for contraception, shes on the pill and has been for a while. It wss the first thing we discussed when she turned 16 (may have been just before actually) as even though she wasnt sexually active at that time, I knew that the inevitable was going happen one day and wanted her to be covered just incase.
However just recently, Ive noticed she wont have a break in her pill and takes it all way through. I think the last time she had a break was back in October when they werent together. And before that it was about 3 months without a break.
Ive told her she shouldn't do that and should take it properly but Im starting to think that she continues taking it because she doesnt want to let him down by not being able to have sex because she on her period?
Im picking her up later and im going to have to apologise to her friends because im going to have to drop people in it as she needs to know that Im well aware of whats been going on and it needs to stop.
@Sarahdmcc
Ive been trying to ring the DVNH for advice but no answer unfortunately 😖

Is it always you that talks to your DD about the situation? Does your DH ever get involved? Perhaps she’ll take it more seriously if DH tries to make her see sense also? Also I wonder if it might be worth printing out some information on coercive control and emotional abuse and giving it to her to read, then it’s actually there for her to see in black and white.

Are you definitely bringing her home today? She won’t suddenly call you and say she’s staying an extra day or anything? Is she still unaware that you know all of this?

@Rollergirl11
Good morning,
Her Dad does get involved..but it descends into an argument. Him telling her shes daft, that hes a prick etc and the more anyone slates him, the more argumentative she gets. Her grandparents, her cousin (shes confronted him before but ill tell you about that in a minute) all know. Nan has spoken to her previously about it. Ive spoken to her Aunty about it as she was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 22 years. Shes asked me to take her up so she can speak to her. But all I get from DD is "why have you told people? Theyre going to hate him now"
Her cousin once caught him getting in DDs face and talking to her like shite and she went crazy. She confronted him, asked him who the f**k he thought he was talking to like that. Bare in mind that he didn't even know her cousin at this point but he wasted no time in shouting back at her and getting in her face. She exploded with him to a point where she nearly hit him...he ran off.

I've tried to get DD to watch videos, not on abuse as such but on players and f**kboys as like I said in an earlier post, at first we just thought he was a massive player, young and dumb etc. I sent her links via messenger but she would not watch those so Im sure she won't watch any videos on abuse because shes in denial as it is.

Shes definitley coming home today as shes taken no work clothes with her. And i refuse to take her any up to his house because if im going anywhere near his house its only to bring her home.

Shes still unaware that I know all this info Ive got. But i feel nows the time she does even if it means me dropping her friends in it then so be it. They will forgive me im sure. I think theyre more worried that she wont forgive them if im honest.

Wow. She really is in denial isn’t she!!! I still think there’s something to be gained by telling his parents. Perhaps if you shame him to them about his behaviour he will back off from your DD as he’ll see her and her family as too much trouble? She needs as much distance and time away from him as possible and then hopefully she’ll get clarity on how he is treating her.

I have finally got through to Domestic Violence Helpline! Yayyy!
They've confirmed everything Sarah said - 100% emotional abuse and control.
Ive told them EVERYTHING. And according to them everything Im doing is right. Not really what I wanted to hear if Im honest because I wanted them to tell me I should knock his f*ing head off but hey ho.
On average it takes 7 attempts to completely break away from these type of relationships. Well when he dumps her again it will be thr 7th time so im praying to God that next time will be the time!!
Theyve said that because DD knows im in touch with her friends, even though shes telling them not to tell me, it could be her way of actually wanting me know? Sounds weird but it makes sense.
She also knows its wrong and unhealthy because she actually confiding in her friends - she wouldn't be doing that if she was completely in denial.
Ive to build her up where hes pulling her down and when she finally admits whats going on, ive to make it clear that none of this is her fault. At all.
Weve to have no contact with him, no confrontations, which is not a problem as im blocked anyway.
I need to ask her questions but nit in an invasive way. Like ask her how her weekend has been. If she tells me hes said this or done that but makes out he was "joking" Ive to then raise the issue of abuse and make her aware its actually not normal. But ive not to mention abuse unless she opens up to me which she does occasionally but not as often as id like or as she used to.
As for the situation with the other guy...the chances of the bf knowing are pretty high because he has become increasingly controlling since getting back together.
Abusers hold a lot of knowledge back, either as a control technique or to use it to their advantage without the abused being aware that they know anything.
Ive told them that hes punched her before in the early days so it could escalate to physical again which I need to be on my guard for but they are certain its more emotional.

Please don’t trust the pill - he could make her stop it, she could forget etc! If she doesnt want periods perfect you can bring up the hormonal coil as it stops them. Then she is covered for 5 years, nothing he can do!

I'm glad you've had some reassurance from the DV people.
It may be worth mentioning in passing that if she ever needs to talk to someone who is knowledgeable, but not involved, that there are helplines for women who are unsure about something in their relationship. You can tell her you know she thinks you're too hard on him, and biased against him, and that there are unbiased people she can talk to if she ever wants to.

And re contraception, is the implant still around? If she's ok with the pill, then the implant works the same way and means she doesn't have to think about it for a few years, by then she will probably have been in work long enough to have maternity benefits etc- so a sensible decision for a young woman her age.

Is DD home OP? How does she seem? Did you ask her how her weekend was?

Hi!
So sorry for the late reply!
I didnt see her last night as I wasnt feeling 100% so fell asleep early and her Dad picked her up. Nothing got said.
I took her to work this morning and she seemed happy, harping on about how hes buying her a £200 watch for Christmas or some £300 trainers(highly doubtful as he cant even grab her a can of deodorant when she asked him to). But most of the car journey was in silence. Its so awkard atm because I don't know what to say to her.
I ask her stuff, she clams up.
If she goes on about him saying how lovely he is etc, Ive to pretend Im interested and happy. When IM REALLY NOT!!!
Shes trying to avoid me though.
Shes gone to her besties after work so I havent seen her yet.
Ive given her bestie some tips (what to say/not to say as per the advice from the helpline)
Shes going to try and find out why he started being awful to her at the weekend etc and report back to me xx

We have had a break through!!!
So shes been to her besties after work...shes broke down crying.
She doesnt really want to be with him but has gone back out of guilt from what I can gather.
Said if the other guy had not been scared off, she would never have got back together with her bf.
But she feels as though she owes her bf something because she feels as though she cheated...even though she didnt because she was single at the time but her bf knows this guy etc.
She hasnt said as much but Im guessing that shes putting up with his shit out of guilt.
If the other guy had been available and the situation would have been different she wouldnt be with her bf now.
So basically she doesmt really want to be with him and shes IS aware that stuff isnt right but she cant have the guy she really wants.

Evening everyone
Well its one step forward and 2 steps back and im not sure how much longer I can take this for!

She had that breakdown at her friends rhe other night then yesterday shes on the defensive when one of her mates mentioned to her that she needs to get rid of this guy!
Hee attitude towards me and her Dad yesterday was vile. Its as though shes taking it out on us and we had literally said nothing to her, not even mentioned his name!
Im sick of pussy footinf around now to a point where I feel im going to explode.
So ladies...should i cut out the crap and tell her straight? Is it the right time do you think?

I'm afraid to say you might as well spit in the wind as tell her what he is doing to her.
However you might tell her what her 'attitude' is doing to you and your home. It is actually not all about her.

Just making this 69 comments 👍👍👍