Is this considered emotional abuse?

[Lanny81]

Morning all,
Ill get straight into it and try to keep it short...so my Daughter has been been in a very on/off relationship with this lad for 6 months now. Things moved quickly at first and it wasn't long before they were a couple. He seemed like a really well rounded, hard working, lovely guy at first. Doesn't do drugs, he has goals etc and thats what stood out to DD.
Hes her first proper relationship and first sexual partner (shes almost 18). Anyway, all through their "relationship" hes been awful to her. Dumped her 6 times completely out of the blue, with different excuses each time. Then 2 days, or a week later hes begging for her back. She has been crushed every time. He breaks promises, cancels plans, wouldnt come to our place, and then there were the other girls...hes not physically cheated as far as DD knows but hes messaged them etc.
Sounds like a typical "too young for a relationship" thing doesn't it but hes been nasty in other ways...comparing her to other girls,(one time he was doing it for iver half and hour, she mentioned another guy and he punched her on the leg and told her to get out of the house. She got her bag to leave but he went running after her sayimg he was so sorry), making her want to change her appearance, saying shes not curvy enough then in the next breath shes got cellulite and so they should go to the gym together.
Hes messaged one of her best friends and told her hes always wanted her..he said he had done it to piss my DD off.
If she puts something on social media and another guy laughs or likes it hes accusing her of messaging that guy and so she has to delete stuff off social media to save arguments.
They had split up for just over a month and she was doing fab but he was soo bloody jealous to a point where he was getting his friends to watch her...one time 2 of his friends hit this guy who was having a conversation with my DD. She says he had nothing to do with it and was totally down to his friends. Bull!
She makes excuses for his bad behaviour ALL THE TIME. Makes excuses for him dumping her , stuff like "hes busy, hes having a hard time, hes stressed"
When they split I messaged him asking her to leave her alone and stop messing with her head. He blocked me! No reply, nothing. I was perfectly nice to him even though i felt like ripping his balls off but he told my DD i had "had a right go at him" SUCH A LIE! So hes got me out of the way now..could this be the start of the isolation phase?? Because theres only me who will front him about how hes treat her. And shes been awful towards me lately. Like she hates me. I cant even mention his name without being told to shut it.
So anyway hes managed to worm his way back in, just as she started to move on...it was "I love you so much, Im sorry, it won't happen again I promise". And shes gone back!!! But i have info from her best friend saying that theyve been arguing already because of his lies. She got up to leave and he was like no im sorry, please stay bla bla bla.
Hes also told her shes to start saving money at his house. Shes to save £100 a month out of her wages. No idea why shes to save it at his house as shes got a savings account but Im not happy about it. What happens when the split again (is going to happen without a doubt!). Shes got to go back to get her money back.
Her mates HATE him, I hate him and were tryimg to back off an leave her to it but really we all want to step in and stop whats going on.
Any advice please im out if my mimd with worry xx

@loopytiles
Shes not at college unfortunately. She is doing an apprenticeship and the people who come to assess her once a month are not local. They assess her at work so I know she wont speak to them in the workplace.
I cant get her to speak to anyone and if im honest I darent even put it to her because she will just get angry. Because as far as shes concerned hes doing nothing wrong, he loves her bla bla. If I were to even mention the words control, abuse and his name in the same sentence, she would go mental. Because she thinks the sun shines out of his arse unfortunately. So how Im going to approach it, I haven't got the foggiest. Maybe wait til they split again and then make my move?? If I say something now while they are together, the shit will hit the fan...
As for minimizing interaction with him - I don't even speak to him. So thats no problem 👍

Some of those info sources linked to may well have advice for worried friends/family.

Thank you for those links, i will have a look now xx

Gov.uk info

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

Can you call the police? If he was hitting her presumably you would this is abuse too.

she doesn't live with him so why does he have any access to her money. could you pretend to ground her so she won't see him. sorry not sure how you do this.

Write her a letter.

Tell her she's a grown up, she can manage her own money and make her own decisions. She can choose her own friends, and you are very proud of her for being so independent, doing her apprenticeship etc.

Remind her she will always be your little girl, and you will always be there for her.

DO NOT mention him, not even indirectly.

You are waging a guerrilla war now. Your job is to build her up, tell her she's great and can do whatever she wants.
He is trying to tell her how much she needs him, that she's disorganised, unreliable, can't be trusted etc.

You tell her she's a great friend, encourage her to go out with her girlfriends, etc etc.

Remind her that she is saving for driving lessons, cos she'll be a great driver and it will give her lots of independence- she can go where she likes, see who she likes etc.

Not a hint of criticism of him, just praise for her.

@picklemepopcorn
Ive said all this to her. Shes knows how proud we are of her. But a letter might sound better..good idea

Don't say it to prove you are nicer than him, and she doesn't need him, etc.

Just write it saying you know things have been tough, and you've rowed a bit lately, but you'll always have her back.

@bananalanacake
Unfortunately shes almost 18 so grounding her is a huge no no! As for the money, i told her to save at her Nans instead as her Nan won't let her dip into her savings either and if they do break up, shes got no excuse to go back. Because hes done this before, not with money but with other stuff.
When theyve split before and shes left stuff at his house, shes gone to get it back but not all of it "could be found". 2 days later, he messages her saying oh ive found those earrings, come get them and we can talk when u come. Next thing u know theyre back together.
So this money is going to be the thing that keeps her going back if they split again...although if shes any sense she will take it so she hasnt GOT to go back...
She says hes "helping her learn how to save money". But thats why shes got a savings account with her bank..she could save in there!

Why don't you ask her best friend to get her to write a post on here about the money thing to see what other people say and then try and see if that helps her when she sees alot of people saying how he is?

Ask her if she would be happy with your DH treating you like her BF treats her. It's hard to see it when you're on the inside. I hope she realises what he's doing

@Lllot5
She would never ever forgive me if I rang the police. Because to her, hes doing nothing wrong. As someone else said, shes got to realise for herself and yep it bloody maddens me but the more I push the more she rebels.
Weve not been at each others throats as much lately because I have backed off. Ive had to because the arguments it was causing were unreal. Id start by saying "hey, you know what to look out for right when he starts acting up again (beginning of the 'shes about to get dumped again' stage)?And I hope you walk when it starts so he doesn't get the opportunity to upset you again. Be strong and leave first" I wouldnt shout or anything but she would shut me straight down, which would get my back up then she would shout at me and then id call him a prick and then she would say stop slagging him off and so on.
The more I slate him the more irate she gets. Constantly on the defense. And pushing her closer to him

Sounds like my first relationship with the content not understanding how he actually feels and the jealously of having other boys like my social media posts.

He eventually had me by the throat against and wall and told me he would kill me.

Get her out. It will be tough but don’t let it get to the point I got to. It was awful and it’s really affected my other relationships in terms of trust and feeling insecure.

@sexlessboulderbelly
My God that sounds awful!😭
Were the same kinda things happening? The other women, being dumped, etc?
Did u know it wasnt healthy but in denial?
How did you get out of it?

Was the final straw when he had you by the throat?

Sorry... he punched her, he is controlling her finances, he randomly ghosts both of you, he is making an effort at eroding her body confidence, he is jealous while at the same time breaking up with her repeatedly... and you’re asking IF he is abusive?! YES. In so, so many ways. Even one of things things would be deeply worrying.

As to how to handle it without driving a wedge between you and your daughter... that’s delicate. Can you send her away for a while on a holiday with her friends who dislike him, get some separation and a chance for them to talk her through some of these red flags?

There are all sorts of government/online resources for learning how to get out of abusive relationships. People on MN often speak highly of the Freedom Programme, I think, but I don’t know it myself. Definitely look around and maybe try to get some professional advice. This is really concerning.

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers
Ahhh right, so heres another story..
She already been away (abroad) with her best friend for a week back in September.
She had not seen BF for about 3 weeks before she went (he was going through one of his "phases" of dumbass excuses as to why he couldn't see her) but they were still together.
On The Friday(day before she was due home) he dumped her again. Marvelous I thought, could have done it before she went away. Then on the Saturday as she was flying home he messaged her other best mate saying hes always wanted HER.
Crossed the line for me, its one thing messaging another girl (s) full stop but its a step too far messaging one of her FRIENDS.
She didn't cry over him this time which I thought was great but she did start doubting her friend, saying she thought she might have iniated it but I managed to convince her that she shouldn't be doubting her as shes got a boyfriend of her own so why would she do that? She listened to my reasoning and agreed. Because she knew that I was right and that hes done this before so he was guilty as charged.
She was moving on, met someone else but he popped back up wanting her back...after a just over a month. Theres a backstory to this other guy that she met situation but ill be here all day.
She lied to her bestie about getting back with him, kept it on the quiet for a couple of weeks at least and some of her other friends don't even know theyre back together ..she darent tell them. Those who do know arent pleased but they (and me) dont want to be on at her constantly because she will start to resent her so weve just got to support her should she need us xx

Yes that was the final straw. I was absolutely terrified for more than a year afterwards. He has screenshot me on MSN (old school lol) getting changed and he made me feel like sending underwear pictures were normal in a relationship.

Pretty much all the same he would talk to other girls but say they’re just close friends. I just played dumb, I felt like I was in a grown up relationship and liked to think I was now a ‘woman’ rather than still just a naive little girls in a really unhealthy relationship.

After he left, he begged and begged for me back. He sat in a field by my house for 2 hours so he purposely missed the bus to try and come back to my house. His friend eventually came to pick him up.

When he had me by the throat he rang his friend and I locked myself in the bathroom and he said “you need to come and get me before I do something really stupid, I know where they keep the knives”

My mum and her boyfriend were out at the time and I genuinely feared for my life.

My picture ended up on social media but looking back it was a small price to pay to get out of such a horrible situation and get rid of him forever. He had done what damage he could and I learnt my lesson on sending pictures and being an idiot.

I cannot stress enough how much I know your DD feels like this relationship feels so grown up and if he’s controlling her like he does then she just feels it’s because he cares. It’s definitely not the case. But I also know that trying to deter her from it will either go swimmingly or she will resent you and want to see him more. I’m really sorry that you and your DD are in this situation.

Feel free to show her my posts. Leaving him was the hardest, scariest time of my life as such a young teen but I honestly have never ever looked back. I’m only 23 now, settled and brought a house with DP of 5 years and expecting our first baby this week. If she leaves him now she might still have enough confidence and security to trust someone else and have a REAL relationship with someone who cares and treats her like a human not a slave.

Good luck to you both

I don’t know if she will never forgive you. I think she would in time. Obviously you know her better than me. I hope she doesn’t get pregnant he’ll be in your life forever.
Do you know any men that could give him ‘a talking too ‘?

@Lanny81 So sorry I'm only just replying to you. It certainly does sound like something sinister is going on but as you said it could be the beginning. Abuse can take many forms but from what you've said there are some common characteristics for sure. My advise is to try and make your DD see that the relationship isn't a healthy one and with any luck she can see it and walk away. However you may find she is resistant and tries to justify his actions. It's great that you've recognised that things aren't right though as believe it or not this can go on without a persons family even knowing. I hope this helps xx

@picklemepopcorn @Lanny81 To be honest I'm not sure whether meeting with parents to discuss the situation would work and it's not something I have a lot of knowledge on. It may enlighten his parents but he may be all sweetness and light in front of them and my worry would be that there may be backlash for your DD @Lanny81 as he may feel embarrassed etc. Very best of luck with what you do choose to do xx

@Sarahdmcc
Hi. Thank you for getting back to me.
Shes been resistant for a long time and ALWAYS justifys his shitty behavior. She lies for him. She lies to her friends, she lies to me but more worryingly, shes lying to herself.
Ive had a nightmare of a day today, well the past few hours and i actually feel physically sick at what Ive been told.
Shes been at his house since yesterday and she was meant to be going out with her friends tonight, but told me she had cancelled as shes going to the Christmas markets early in the morning with him his family. Shes lied to her friend and told her shes ill so thats why shes not going out.
I dont know whats happened but her friend has messaged me saying that her bf is now goimg out but shes to stay in at his house and shes trying to say its because shes ill (shes not) but hes been awful to her today. Called her ugly, said she had a square head and she needs to start doing squats.
He then said they were never planning on going to the Christmas Markets and it was all a wind up. She begged her friend not to tell me but she has (DD doesnt know).
I told her friend to tell her to go home and so she did. DD said she was going to ask me to pick her up but then 2 mins later, the bf isnt going out, and they are going to the markets..he was only joking about it being a joke.
Ive had another of her friends tell me that DD has admitted to her in the past that he uses her for sex and he speaks to her like utter shit. Amongst other things.
I shared something about emotional abuse on social media and DD liked it but then messaged me asking why I had shared that.
I had to play dumb and say i must have shared it accidentally so I deleted it. To me that proves that DD knows full well whats going on. Her friends told her today that its not normal and hes messing with her head. Big time. And that theyre all concerned about her. Her other friend told me shes losing her friends slowly but surely.
I asked her best friend if she seems scared of him to which she replied, "10000%"
So ive spent the past 2 hours wondering whether im going to go up to the house and drag her out and have done with it or wait til she comes home tomorrow and have it out with her. Do i kick off and say enoughs enough or do i tread carefully and pussy foot around like I have been doing in order to not push her away??
I need to get her out and get her out now. But how the bloody hell do I approach it?😭

Call the police before he really hurts her.