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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

From close adorable loving teen to zero affection, doesn’t like me talking or being with him anymore. I heard it would happen but it seems overnight! Feel like I’ve lost my best little pal and son

30 replies

DJB1968Bar · 22/10/2019 21:41

Hello mums,

Feeling it right now. My 15 year old son has just turned into someone I don’t even recognise. He use to be so loving and loves my company and we would go out together and have fun and yes I knew it would stop but jeez it’s over night! As soon as his voice broke it seems he’s gone! Stays in his room and come out for food and drink and money. It. Feels like I’ve lost him and all his love and affection I was lucky to have had has gone. I’m not being selfish just not sure how to cope with this. I know he has to grow into a man and can’t do that without separating from me but it’s painful! So sad...I miss the contact of a little cuddle after school and chats. Life is cruel Sad

OP posts:
DJB1968Bar · 24/10/2019 15:36

Just to make you all aware I will be back and forth asking for advice...so yesterday...another Perfect day 👌 thought I'd cracked it...half the day was lovely..even had a cuddle! Whaaaaat I was thinking is this? All the nice stuff! Hmmmm something fishy! 🐠
So BAM! Here it comes..
Half hour ago I had the DS ask"mum can you stay in your room please for 2 hours as I have a "friend" coming over and I want to watch the big tv. Erm no I replied as that's disrespectful!! It's not for you to ask me that, I don't ask you to stay in your room when I have guests! You can stay in your own room where you have a tv and privacy! To which he went nuts and then said "I ask one favour!"
I know I can do this one favour but it's not respectful!
He then said ok ok calm down and then said "can you not talk to me then or say anything to me when my friend comes" jeez I was nearly going blow!

So the friend turned up who obviously was a girl friend and I'm fine with that as DS has had a gf before. Bit diff this time as he's older! Hmmmm so he needs space

Sadly this morning when it was all lovely and nice I said how about we go out to buy you new trainers and a bite to eat tomoz on my day off and he was happy with that! Now I have said it's cancelled due to the lack of respect in asking for me to lock myself away for 2 hours in my room!
Am I being too harsh or should I follow it through to teach him respect??? I am a sucker and always give in so your brilliant advice would be great again!

Thanks x

OP posts:
corythatwas · 24/10/2019 18:11

I think you fly off the handle too quickly. He asked something which you feel is not respectful, but he may not have known that, he may have intended to be rude. Why couldn't you calmly say "well, to be honest, I think that's a bit much to ask: I will try to keep a low profile, but I won't erase myself, that's not fair to ask"? Why do you have to punish him?

Can't you imagine a situation where you might ask another adult to keep out of the way? They might agree, they might not agree, but would you feel it was so disrespectful you had to cancel a day out?

The other risk is that overreaction now will soon result in him just laughing at you. I very rarely punished my children after they reached puberty: I wanted them to feel that I was not afraid of losing control. Punishment was for deliberate infringement of a clearly stated and known rule.

The aim of the exercise is that in the next few years you will become adults together, if not equals then very close to it. It doesn't happen overnight, but you need to both remember that you are working towards it. In years to come, do you want him to cancel a visit home if you get the tone slightly wrong, maybe make a joke that wasn't quite appropriate, or hurt his feelings unintentionally? Or would you like him to think that adults can actually manage with a quiet but firm
"No, I am not prepared to put up with this; it is not appropriate"?

JustDanceAddict · 24/10/2019 18:37

I also have the same species! The relationship definitely changes, but as long as you keep the communication going and don’t nag too much, it’s ok.
I get occasional hugs, i ruffle his hair (mop), he shows me some videoes, I try not to nag too much or ‘control’ him 🙄 we have jokes etc.
Picking battles def helps though I have to say.,

DJB1968Bar · 24/10/2019 19:11

Corythatwas

You are so right and I really didn't see it like that! Jeez I need to change! I just felt an attack straight away and yes didnt know how to handle it.
It makes sense what you said and I wish I had thought of that!
I clearly need to learn a lot!
Feel awful now...i really appreciate your advice x

OP posts:
purplepalace · 24/10/2019 19:14

You haven't lost him! He'll be back (in about 3 - 4 years Grin)!

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