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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

From close adorable loving teen to zero affection, doesn’t like me talking or being with him anymore. I heard it would happen but it seems overnight! Feel like I’ve lost my best little pal and son

30 replies

DJB1968Bar · 22/10/2019 21:41

Hello mums,

Feeling it right now. My 15 year old son has just turned into someone I don’t even recognise. He use to be so loving and loves my company and we would go out together and have fun and yes I knew it would stop but jeez it’s over night! As soon as his voice broke it seems he’s gone! Stays in his room and come out for food and drink and money. It. Feels like I’ve lost him and all his love and affection I was lucky to have had has gone. I’m not being selfish just not sure how to cope with this. I know he has to grow into a man and can’t do that without separating from me but it’s painful! So sad...I miss the contact of a little cuddle after school and chats. Life is cruel Sad

OP posts:
BackforGood · 22/10/2019 23:54

Of course you haven't lost him.

Think of the caterpillar before it turns into the butterfly, it has to go into a cocoon for a while to make all the adjustments That is what teenagers do. they disappear into their rooms for 2 or 3 years then emerge as wonderful, funny human beings who still love you and will come back and give you hugs.

Life isn't cruel at all. Well, it can be, but your ds growing up isn't a reflection of that.

Tinseltrauma · 23/10/2019 00:06

I have three boys, the youngest is 18 now. They've all done this 'cave' thing and they have all come out the other side! Keep the communication going where you can - while they are raiding the fridge, when they are captive in the car, as examples. Put up with the odd grunt here and there and it won't be long before a lovely young man appears out of the cave!

corythatwas · 23/10/2019 06:42

What BackforGood said. He will emerge from that cocoon one day and you will have an adult relationship which will hopefully be a lovely one- but it's loveliness will in part depend on whether you are able to see his growing up as something positive and exciting. Don't accept rudeness, don't expect the closeness of a small child. This is the time to develop your own interests. Reassure him by letting him see that mum has her own exciting life and that he doesn't have to feel guilty about growing up. My 19yo has on the whole stopped grunting and asks how I am and can he make me a cup of coffee. It's a different relationship but still lovely.

somanyresusablebags · 23/10/2019 07:06

It is brutal, isn't it? It passes quicker than you think. My boys were early to puberty and I felt cheated as their friends were all still sweet boys. There is a bit of grief. My ds1 is lovely again, affectionate and chatty but still private and independent. We needed to break the little boy bond to develop a more adult relationship. DS2 has been miserable for about a year. Last week he apologised for being grumpy which felt like a huge improvement in awareness that I am a person, and he said he didn't care if I watched his rugby game which better than telling me not to come because I am so embarrassing. He laughs with us a bit. In another year he may be alright, and i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is okay to be sad. It will never be the same, but this is healthy development and a step to becoming a healthy adult. It helps to remember that this is a hard time for them. They can be rude and extra forgetful and I find firm compassion helps a lot.

Yestermo · 23/10/2019 07:09

Promise he will return. Lovely DSS did this 15-18 he is back to his pre-cave delightful self!

Original poster
DJB1968Bar · 23/10/2019 09:49

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for your lovely messages
You all make sense in what your saying and I have taken a snippet of each thank you.
I suppose it's just me being selfish as that's how I feel. Thing is I've totally devoted my life to him and yes your right I need a blinking life so he doesn't feel guilty. I don't want to make him feel bad for growing up that would kill me.
I will just make the most of each moment I'm with him 'fridge' 'car' 'purse'
Handling the rudeness is hard and I'm never sure how far to go with an argument as I don't want him to win the battle with me. So sometimes it's hard as I'm not sure when to stop or how to punish him. I say silly things like 'I'm not giving you lifts anymore if you talk to me like that' but then I do! Because I know deep down it's not his fault it's hormones I guess. I have started to raise my voice when I never use to as I never needed to and that upsets me. I end up in tears. I guess I have to change tactics and try and be the bigger person and be calm and firm as mentioned.
Never ever thought it would be this hard!
Thanks again to you all xxx

OP posts:
Serenschintte · 23/10/2019 09:53

Yes been through it/ongoing with DS1. It’s like a grief in a way. But seeing glimpses of the adult to come is exciting. One thing that helps a little is to feed them a lot and take an interest to talk about what they are into. The ins and outs of gaming or whatever it is they are in too.
And definitely develop your own interests! But he will still need you, often when you least expect it

Original poster
DJB1968Bar · 23/10/2019 09:54

Backforgood:

I love the caterpillar! Wink

2-3 years I have to wait! OMG I need to get a life quick!

OP posts:
Original poster
DJB1968Bar · 23/10/2019 09:56

Tinseltrauma

It is a 'cave' but weird thing I remember doing that myself! We all did I guess!
I hope he emerges as wonderful as he use to be and this grumpy teen fades!

OP posts:
Original poster
DJB1968Bar · 23/10/2019 09:57

Corythatwas

That is the key finding my own interests! Your so right. Lovely message thank you Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
DJB1968Bar · 23/10/2019 10:00

Somanyreausablebags

I'm so glad your son apologised. I had a that a couple of times and I found that deeply helpful. A hug and an apology does the world of good! I will try and be firm with his rudeness! Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
DJB1968Bar · 23/10/2019 10:03

Yestermo

Thank you ..I am going to repost back here when he does come back to me! Smile

OP posts:
tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 23/10/2019 10:08

BackForGood awww that's a lovely analogy!

OP bless, I'm dreading this too with DD now 11, somedays it feels like it's already happened. It's so hard because these are the years when they're so vulnerable and impressionable that we want to keep that close connection Thanks

Original poster
DJB1968Bar · 23/10/2019 10:09

Serenachintte

Feed him a lot lol Grin that's so funny. That seems to be the time I see him most now!
I'm going to have to take a deep breathe and change. Hard isn't it when you've been this way for 15 years! It is like a form of grief and one I wasn't expecting. Why is this not talked about very much! I wasn't warned of this..maybe it's just as women we suffer silently and don't like to seem weak and want to appear strong? I don't know or maybe I'm just a wimp.
All the comments have helped hugely and I will come back for more advice or help girls
Much love xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
DJB1968Bar · 23/10/2019 10:20

*Tellmewhenthespaceshiplands
*
I hope you find some comfort from these messages. I defo did! I'm definitely going with the 'caterpillar' to help me through it and try and see that glimpse of the adult in all the fog. Taking a step back until he asks for help

OP posts:
tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 23/10/2019 10:48

Thanks OP I'll also be checking back here soon. And the idea that its a type of grief really helps as I've been telling myself off for being selfish/let her grow up/ get a hobby etc! I'll cut myself some slack too.

Thanks for starting this thread and all other posters for such helpful words.

Original poster
DJB1968Bar · 23/10/2019 12:58

I'm a newbie to this!
What does OP mean exactly? Confused lol sorry

OP posts:
tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 23/10/2019 13:16

Original Poster Grin

Original poster
DJB1968Bar · 23/10/2019 13:48

Ahhhhh! Thanks Hun!

#feelingstupid

OP posts:
Original poster
DJB1968Bar · 23/10/2019 19:21

So today I am a new style Mum thanks to all you mums 👍
With positive thoughts I managed to have a whole day and eve with no drama or attitude.
I've tried to say very little and just responded to what he wants. Almost disappeared (sadly) into the back ground..but if that's what it takes then fine.
Half way through the day he goes out on his bike and says on his way out 'see you later love you'
He always use to say that! And I haven't heard that for a while now...then he came home later and showed me a video of his tricks he done on his bike..he then went to tell me about something that happened in the day to which I said well done I'm proud of you to act that way!
Seriously you couldn't make it up! I'm getting ready for my night shift now very positive and yes it may have been a one off day but very very grateful ❤️

OP posts:
minesagin37 · 23/10/2019 20:06

You've chosen your battles which is a good strategy with teens.

DramaAlpaca · 23/10/2019 20:15

It's hard when teenage boys go through that phase. I've had three of them do it & come out the other side, all 20-somethings now. By the time they were 18 or 19 they were back, a grown up version of their old selves. I love the caterpillar analogy above, it's very apt.

I'll give you something lovely to look forward to - when they do finally emerge from the teenage years, being wrapped up in an enormous hug by your adult son is one of the nicest things ever Smile

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 23/10/2019 20:59

Aww that's lovely Smile

Original poster
DJB1968Bar · 23/10/2019 21:21

Awwww that is lovely! Thank you for that ❤️

OP posts:
BackforGood · 23/10/2019 23:14

Glad I lifted you of 'Unanswered threads' now Blush

That's a lovely end to the thread OP Smile