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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 year old DS and girlfriends

35 replies

Basilandparsleyandmint · 22/10/2019 09:48

Struggling to know how to handle my just turned 13 year old DS.
He has been having “girlfriends” since he was 12 which involved lots of dramatic texting and declarations of I love you’s but no real meeting up etc so I let it be as it seemed fairly common amongst his peers.
He has now however somehow met a girl from another school ( he goes to an all boys Grammar) who hangs around with a bad lot- think older /troubled teens from troubled families ( I know this is as I work in a school and have inside info).
I still check his phone- so again lots of I love you texts but they are meeting up on way home from school and it’s now developing into hugging. Texts are now not as innocent with some sexual talk. This girl spends a lot of time on her own as mum works and I am worried.
I have had this girl and her older friend outside my house before. He has lied to his p.e teacher about feeling ill so he didn’t play an after school football match and to myself where he told me not come and watch him - so he could meet up with her. I discovered his lies.
I have told him she isn’t a good person to be friends with etc that the group she is with are troubled without giving too much detail.
I took his phone off him and told him he wasn’t having it back until i could trust him and he wasn’t having anything to do with her.
Phone given back and have of course after checking it’s still all going on.
I am so worried about where this will lead but clearly being hard on him hasn’t worked.
What do I do ?

OP posts:
Windydaysuponus · 22/10/2019 09:51

Ime inviting dubious friends /gf /bf to your home while you are there is useful. The guest will quickly see your ds has rules /home boundaries and can see they won't be easily swayed away... Ime they quickly back away..
I have dc over 13 x 8 and always used this handy tool with success over the years!!

BeesKnees4 · 22/10/2019 09:55

How judgemental you are, you’ve written this girl off based on your gossipy prying and snotty opinions. I’ve known kids from ‘troubled’ backgrounds who have done well in life.
Maybe have a look at your DS who seems to be a conniving little manipulator, he’s not the innocent wee lamb you think he is.

SamBeckettslastleap · 22/10/2019 09:56

Agreed, more you push the girl away the more exciting she seems.

Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 22/10/2019 10:00

Actually invite them round for a meal etc? Hadn’t thought about that approach.
I was behind this girl in a local shop recently, she was buying her own tea as mum was at work. Huge bar of chocolate and a six bag of crisps. I have always felt a bit sorry for her as she is very much left to her own devices.

OP posts:
Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 22/10/2019 10:04

I love people like you on Mumsnet bees knees you do make me laugh!
Agreed the more I push him away the more interested he will become.

OP posts:
starrynight19 · 22/10/2019 10:05

How did you know that she was buying that for her tea Hmm

BeesKnees4 · 22/10/2019 10:09

@Basilandparsleyandmint
Make you laugh? Because I don’t agree your DS is innocent and being led astray?
Your naïveté makes me laugh, your prying about the girl is nasty.

Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 22/10/2019 10:09

As I saw the message she sent my DS

OP posts:
Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 22/10/2019 10:14

I didn’t say my DS was innocent though - his lies to me and his teacher proves that.
He has always put football above everything so to lie to get out of a match to meet up with this girl is something he wouldn’t ordinarily do. His behaviour has changed since his involvement with her. Nothing else in his life has changed only her so my only thoughts are her

OP posts:
KindnessCrusader · 22/10/2019 10:16

I too felt sorry for the girl reading your op. Is he only allowed to date girls from grammar schools?

TheCanterburyWhales · 22/10/2019 10:19

I would be more concerned that a 12-13 year old boy was having girlfriends (plural) with declarations of love etc than going Hyacinth Bucket about his girlfriends' backgrounds.
Why do you think he's started with all this stuff so early? Does he have boy mates? Does he have low self-esteem and maybe needs to feel cool in some way?
I'd be clamping down hard on his lying as well.

BeesKnees4 · 22/10/2019 10:26

Again blaming ‘her’ she’s not turned your precious boy into a liar, that’s his choice. Or maybe he’s just growing up, football isn’t that important, he’s obviously been allowed his girlfriends since a young age. Sounds like he’s been doing his own thing and now you’re blaming a young girl, would it be ok if he was lying to meet a grammar school girl?

Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 22/10/2019 10:40

I am genuinely not bothered about what school a girlfriend came from. It’s the girl herself.
He has lots of boy mates, popular and good in school no self esteem issues just a bit too hormonal in my opinion.
I can see why most think I am being awful as you don’t know me and you can only judge on what I write but rather than it being gossiping rumours etc it’s actual facts and the fact that the girl herself is often in trouble at school herself for a bad attitude / bullying etc
I just thought asking for a wider opinion than just my RL Friends would be useful in getting a wider perspective

OP posts:
KindnessCrusader · 22/10/2019 11:30

The girl is not even at the same school as your Son, you have no way of knowing what she's like at school, certainly not as fact.
The whole thing is a bit creepy, from your Son being 'overly hormonal' to your obsession in gossip surrounding this child.

Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 22/10/2019 11:42

Okay thanks kindness super helpful Confused

OP posts:
chrisski33 · 22/10/2019 11:50

Most teenagers would do that given the chance no matter what their background is. As others said invite her round. Get to know her. Whether your son is innocent or not of manipulating I dunno but can work both ways but you will only know what's she's like if you invite her. She maybe put off and distance herself

chrisski33 · 22/10/2019 11:51

*I refer to most teenagers would buy junk food given the chance for their tea

KindnessCrusader · 22/10/2019 11:53

I don't know what kind of help I can offer...don't judge people by their class or income? Don't assassinate a child's character? How can I help?

Beamur · 22/10/2019 12:06

Being interested in the opposite (or same!) sex at this age is not unusual.
I'd agree with inviting her round, being kind and getting to know her better.

MyOtherProfile · 22/10/2019 12:50

Personally I would go for him inviting her over while you are home and getting to know her a bit, but also for talking to him about sex and relationships because of his sexualised texting. Explain that this is taking the lid off a box that he isn't ready to handle.

Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 22/10/2019 12:54

Kindness I don’t believe in any of my comments I judged her class or income - I have made comments about troubled backgrounds and have made comments on her friends. I mentioned her poor behaviour.I mentioned her mum works a lot and have made no comments in what job. Doctors work many hours Clearly you are judging this girl by assuming her class. Troubled backgrounds come from all shapes and sizes.
There is a boys Grammar and a girls grammar, several secondary moderns. I haven’t said which one as it’s not relevant as I don’t judge like that.
I am a normal working mum who wants the best for my DS, I think early teens a delicate stage of life and they need guidance personally.
Inviting for dinner is an option Smile

OP posts:
Travelban · 22/10/2019 14:28

I would invite round too.

I would also keep your son busier, maybe sign him up to activities so he has less time to hang out and meet up. Go and pick him up from school or have someone pick him up so he hasnt time to hang out?

It is tricky and I haven't been in your shoes, but like others say, I would be more concerned with the need for girlfriends at such a young age. I have a 13 year old son and a 15 year old dd and nine of their friends have girlfriends and boyfriends yet, so the behaviour is a little unusual, perhaps some of the boys he hangs out with are like this and he feels he has to keep up?

Easier for you though to judge that overall.

Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 22/10/2019 16:01

You see that’s exactly why I came on to ask for advice - I agree I don’t think it’s right especially the sexual element it bothers me and I am concerned.
I work in a school and it’s not uncommon with Y6/7 to have started with the boyfriend/girlfriends but it’s all quite innocent and they don’t actually talk to each other generally. However this is different and I don’t like it and I don’t know what to do.
He currently plays football twice a week and matches on Sunday. Tennis once a week.
He has plenty of homework to keep him busy. There is no one to take him to school as I have to be in school by 8 and I can’t get pick him up as I haven’t finished. His Grandma is at mine as she has my younger son after school.
I will just have to be more on top of him but will have his friend to tea and try.

OP posts:
getmeacupoftea · 22/10/2019 16:06

I remember being your son at one point. The more my mum pried, didn't trust, confiscated, the more I rebelled and the more creative my lies got.
I actually did things I very much didn't want to do at a young age because my mum was so restrictive and I didn't know how to say no.

You'll never stop him from hanging out with her.
I think you need to be open with him completely, teach him how to be safe if he does get in any troubled situations and how to say no rather than ban him seeing her all together. Put your trust back in him and he'll be more likely to come to you for help.

holidays987 · 22/10/2019 16:48

It's good that you're asking for advice as you sound very out of touch and judgmental.

Your language and approach seems ancient.
Perhaps meeting the girl properly and forming an opinion based on what you find would be nicer than listening to gossip and making assumptions based on her 'troubled' social circle.

If your son had been telling fibs about his whereabouts, take it up with him rather than passing blame / assuming her to be a bad influence.