Daughter off the rails

[worriedofSouthLondon]

I am a single mother whose daughter is going off the rails. Very good at school up to sixth Form but since she met her boyfriend all is going downhill. She has started smoking because the boyfriend does, bunking off school (because the boyfriend does and she even failed an exam). And now I am finding compromising pictures of her and him in the nude on her phone. I have removed the phone. If I ask her to leave the boyfriend she will just do it behind my back...Should I ask any nude pics of her to be removed from his phone? Talk to his mum?

How old is daughter and boyfriend?

Removing nude pictures from a phone means nothing if they are backed up to a pc or the cloud

both are 17

So do I contact the BF's parents to ask them to remove any nude pictures of my daughter?

Going in heavy handed isn’t going to achieve anything. I think you need to build your relationship with your daughter, explain you’re desperately worried about her welfare and safety and suggest she needs to think about her online security. You need to be calm.
Do you talk to him? If not I suggest you do. The more you build trust the more likely they are to listen to you.

Thank you - yes you are right. But struggling to understand how she can choose such a path of destruction. We have had a bad enough struggle. My ex left us, pays nothing and I am trying to bring up two kids and keep finances in order.

Hmm she's 17 so allowed to have nude pictures of herself if she wants. I'd of thought she was underage if you hadn't of said her age. You are legally allowed to have sex at 16 so I think it's perfectly fine for her and her bf to both have those pictures if that's what they want.

For what it's worth I think 'going off the rails' is abit extreme for a 17 year old smoking and taking sexual pictures with her boyfriend. They don't stay young forever OP and how would you feel if she decided to move out in 1 years time and liver her life they way she wanted?

Well she is perfectly entitled to move out. I think in the economic climate we live in it would be highly unlikely. I finance everything for her at the moment

And that means she's not allowed to smoke or take pictures with her bf? Do you really think thats going odd the rails? Christsake she will be 18 soon and I don't think you should be looking down her phone when she does turn 18.

You sound a bit neurotic. Do not ask his parents to "remove nude pictures" of your daughter do you not respect your daughters privacy/dignity at all?

My mum made the mistake of (innocently) looking through my phone when I said she could use it at 18 years old and dropped it when she came across pics of my bfs dick. She never did it again. She can legally smoke and have sex at 16, I did and now I'm a non smoking 30 year old nurse who didn't screw up my life cos of it... although I didn't bunk. Is she changing her mind about what future career she wants? Most people don't know at that age, she needs to explore and live a little. She's not exactly turning into a violent thug/thief/ heroin addict is she.

For what it's worth I don't think you're actually allowed to send nude pictures until you're 18 but that said at 17 I was doing the same and I wasn't "going off the rails".

I did all of that, I skipped college lessons, had a boyfriend and sent nude pictures of myself now I am a midwife, married to the boyfriend with children.

I think you should give her space, not go through her phone and just talk to her. I wouldn't like the smoking but that's her choice and the only thing I would be seriously concerned about is skipping sixth form, if she's skipping consistently and it's affecting her performance, which you've said it has.

She probably feels you're a little controlling and treating her as a child, which could be why she's acting the way she is. Like I said, I'd give her space, no more going through her phone. Give it back. Talk about the importance of her going to school and build your relationship with her.

Just a thought...is there a pastoral team at school? If she's skipping lessons and her exam results are affected then I think they would be more than happy to have a chat with you about ALL your concerns and also signpost you to parenting support outside school.

I think it's understandable that you are concerned.

Her behaviour imho isn't quite "off the rails" but it's certainly heading in that direction if she decides to up the ante.

Upshot is she's engaging in teen rebellion and the more you try and exert your control the more she'll push back and escalate her behaviour to thwart you.

I think you need to change tactics.

She wants to be treated like an adult and be allowed to make her own life choices.

My suggestion would be to sit down and talk with her (when you are both calm) and work out a new path forward.

For example, if she wants to smoke (knowing the dangers) then ok, but not in your house/garden, nor are you going to fund the purchase of cigarettes. So if she makes that choice, she needs to get a part time job to fund that habit.

She can have her phone back, you won't snoop but ask her to consider how she would feel if those pictures became public. She'll deny it will ever be a problem and you say you hope she's right, but thousands of other girls have found out they were wrong. She's taking a risk and you hope it doesn't backfire on her but you'll respect her privacy going forward.

You might also want to think about any other concessions you would allow that would be in tune with her being treated like an adult. For example bedtimes, curfews, clothing etc. Try and show some willing here.

Re: school I think this is were you can "pick your battle". Whilst she's living with you some rules aren't flexible. If she's in education then she commits to it. If she keeps skipping school, failing exams then she's wasting her time and your support. If she doesn't want to engage in education then she needs to leave, get a job and start paying her way by contributing to the household. It's her choice, and adult choice - contribute by getting an education or getting a job and paying board.

Finally don't speak to the boyfriends family. Your child's welfare isn't their concern and frankly if you can't stop her taking compromising pictures why should they be responsible for deleting the evidence (and in doing so invading their child's privacy)?

This is between you and your DD and I think you need to back off a bit before you push her so far into a corner that she comes out fighting and really escalating her behaviour.

Thank you very much DeRigueurMortis - you have answered all my questions. These forums are dangerous in as much as people fire off opinions where there is limited background knowledge due to the nature of these platforms. Each family is different and we have all different aspirations/hopes/dreams for our children because we have different starting points/family networks/financial support. And what is acceptable for some might not be for others etc etc.

Following her failed exam in August we had lengthy chats and agreed a path. She had to convince her school to keep her on and we pleaded with them that she can take on another subject so at least she has some chance of applying to uni. She promised herself to change her habit and attend school but I think the BF is convincing her not to as he has started to skive again himself. I have again asked school to help me with understanding why she is skiving.

My daughter has chronic asthma and is of course since starting to smoke increasing her corticosteroids. She now handles the GP and her asthma drug prescriptions as this is part of growing older and taking responsibility of her own actions. I have clear rules re smoking mirroring what you wrote above. My insurance does not cover smoking anyway. She knows them but occasionally smokes through her window, but I cannot pick a fight for everything.

She had a setback with her career path and I can feel all her pain. Due to the failed exam she can no longer study for her dream job but has had to rethink all her career choices. I have been there for her throughout this process, guiding, advising, putting her in touch with professionals from different careers to try and give her new options. I know it is far too much for her to deal with in such a short space of time...I think she has found something she wants to do and for the first time uni open days seem interesting.

She now has a Saturday job which obviously pays for the smoking habit and other enjoyments. She does not need to contribute towards her living costs of course as long as she is in full-time education.

I am stretching my finances and she has recently started to see a therapist (mostly I think to do with the sudden loss of her father and not understanding why her father has cut her off financially, emotionally etc etc).

I have always had a trust policy, never checked her phone before, never checked her Instagram accounts (unlike a lot of parents) etc, but I became worried as I found some "compromising tools"
on her floor. I just want to be assured that BF is not pushing her into violence or to do things against her will.

I will not speak to his parents (though I know them). I just wanted to sound this out in case it is more common than I thought (I have friends who do so when their DD have issues with their BFs. I simply have enough on my plate with my own children.

Can she retake the failed subject? She shouldn't need to give up all hope if the dream job.
Can u meet with school again and get some more support?

No not at this school. A failed AS level means they have to drop the subject. She has been allowed to do 2 AS levels instead, which gives her fewer UCAS points but still some.

Can she do a 3rd year, maybe at a college to increase UCAS points?

Yes that is one option, but "absent father" might push for divorce/sale of the house we live in to kick us out when she is 18.

OP it's tough isn't it .

My own experience (though not as a single parent which I appreciate makes the mental and physical load so much harder) is that you have to trust that whilst in this phase of teen rebellion, the ethics, values and morals you have taught them are still there.

Buried deep right now, but still there.

From what you've posted her BF is certainly a factor here (been there and worn the tee shirt).

They seem to fall "in love" so fast/deep/hard that they can lose themselves in the process.

The desire to be, not who they are, but what their BF wants them to be seems to overwhelm them for a time I think.

The problem is pointing this out is fruitless. You're simply the enemy thwarting "true love".

IME people talk about the toddler years being hard, but IME the teen years trump that (at least for some children - my DS was a tough toddler but a model teen to far, DD was the reverse).

You can't pick them up and move them from danger or prevent them making poor choices.

Doing "nothing" is one of the hardest things to do as a parent sometimes.

As I said you just have to have faith in your parenting to date that she'll find herself again.

In the meantime, it's not unreasonable to articulate (calmly) that you disagree with her choices and that as an adult she needs to take responsibility for the repercussions, but simultaneously expressing your love.

Thank you so much DeRigueurMortis for you warm words and the time you have spent writing to me. Feels wonderful to know there are kind souls out there. It is difficult bringing up kids on your own and at the same time trying to be a role model (when the other parent is clearly showing lack of the most basic of human feelings for your own offspring: love, respect, caring).

I totally agree the toddler years were the loveliest ever! I would do anything to have those years back.

I had a wonderful but tricky DS (which is an altogether different story, but I have coached him into a safer place now) and he is at uni now and doing relatively well. My DD has been the loveliest, warmest, most considerate person I have ever known, so I do have faith in my upbringing. She has a heart of gold and it is unfortunately this vulnerability that BG and others can exploit. However, she will have to go through her own hurdles and make mistakes all along and find solutions to them.

I think she is very lost and perhaps the BF is a replacement of the absent father. Apparently he is the best thing that ever happened to her.

Yes I need to find a time and place very soon to articulate this calmly to her. I have already moved away from the smoking dialogue, so next step is the BF. Somehow I found it easier to discuss taking gradual responsibility as they move into adulthood with my DS.

You're very welcome OP.

You sound like a lovely mother whose doing a great job under very strained circumstances

Obviously I can gauge how much of an impact her fathers actions have had on her behaviour, but it would be unusual (to say the least) that they were not a factor.

She's be betrayed most horribly but one of the two people who were always meant to have her back, protect her and be there for her.

Perhaps consider if it's a possibility that she's deliberately goading you into "abandoning" her? That maybe she's testing your love?

Rather than the root of this, her BF is simply the "vehicle"' and ally to achieve this?

Sorry "can't" gauge....

Hi again DeRigueurMortis,
Thank you.
What an awful thought about the abandoning. I would never do that. Quite the contrary, I am fighting hard to be able to provide single-handedly for both my children without any support. I am protecting her from being taken away from me. Her father tried to get her to come over to the ME to see "his family" (he refuses to come back to the UK to see his kids). His excuse is he cannot afford to. (I offered to pay his flight and accomodation).Maybe she is testing my love. But she talks a lot about "having always been the good child" and now she wants to rebel, as if she is doing this deliberately. She has stopped talking to her father since early this year. I feel the BF is a test/exploration re "male love": ie does it exist?