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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Daughter off the rails

31 replies

worriedofSouthLondon · 15/10/2019 11:37

I am a single mother whose daughter is going off the rails. Very good at school up to sixth Form but since she met her boyfriend all is going downhill. She has started smoking because the boyfriend does, bunking off school (because the boyfriend does and she even failed an exam). And now I am finding compromising pictures of her and him in the nude on her phone. I have removed the phone. If I ask her to leave the boyfriend she will just do it behind my back...Should I ask any nude pics of her to be removed from his phone? Talk to his mum?

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 15/10/2019 20:07

I wasn't suggesting you would abandon her - rather that may be a emotional reaction on her part to her experience.

I apologise if you felt I was insinuating that.

Perhaps she is trying to see if Male love exists. However, "adapting" her behaviours to be what he wants isn't really a fair test of that. He should love her for who she is - the good kid, who attends school, doesn't smoke etc.

I doubt saying that will cut much ice though (it certainly didn't in this household).

The good girl element and rebellion is interesting. Teens are at a point of discovering who they really are. Experimenting with their identity in all sorts of ways (physical appearance often being a big part of that, but also things like music, new activities, ditching previous sports etc).

Maybe she's feels she's served her time being "good"? It's a new persona she's trying on for size?

It's hard to know and I think all you can do as I said previously and you want to do is sit down and chat calmly. Ask a few questions (eg I'm trying to do my best as a mum and know I don't always get it right. Can you speak to me about what you think needs to change in our relationship?) and then try and listen to her. She's expecting a lecture most likely IME. Not giving her one and asking her for a path forward might change the dynamic.

It might be worth, if you can, doing this out of the house. DH and I definitely made better progress on neutral territory . It's easy at home to stop talking/listening and stomp off in a strop (the teen not the parent though we were tempted at times!) and going somewhere nice puts everyone in a more receptive mood to start with. A favourite restaurant seemed to work well, especially as you could take time out from "the chat" by talking about the food for a bit.

Good luck Grin

worriedofSouthLondon · 16/10/2019 21:35

Thank you again DRM (if I may use this acronym).

Your advice re asking her how I could "listen" to her is MOST valuable. I am collecting my thoughts and what to say for Friday. In the past I have stormed in with ill-informed, hasty and an emotional approach, but I will have to change my tactic now if I am to help her when REALLY needed.

I am addressing the situation with school already, and hope there will be no relapses.

I have in the past "chatted" to her in a cafe, but it ended up her crying her eyes out and us receiving stares across the tables. Having said that I might take this approach.

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DeRigueurMortis · 16/10/2019 22:57

Again you are very welcome.

You know your DD best and I can only offer advice from my own experience. It obviously won't always translate.

It may well be a discussion at home might work better for you. Trust your instincts on this.

Again all I say say, based on my experience, was that a discussion that was framed around asking teen how to move forward (and thus giving them control of the narrative) was more productive than telling them what we thought the way forward was.

I'm not saying all the solutions suggested were appropriate though!! However it did open up communications and gave some easy things to implement in return for concessions elsewhere (eg we will agree to "X" you want but in return no bunking off school).

DRM Thanks

worriedofSouthLondon · 17/10/2019 20:06

Hi DRM,

You are so full of excellent advice and insights. Yes I will use the method of giving my DD control and taking ownership (which I kind of already have in small steps in other areas too - eg she takes care of her pill prescriptions and boookd GP follow ups etc etc).
Yes I have had concessions for a long time ie she has the latest and flashiest of mobile phones as a reward for good progress at school.

I hope all turned out well with you DD.

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 17/10/2019 20:42

Thank you, yes we are out the other side of this!!

In higher education and progressing well towards a degree I'm pleased to say.

I won't pretend it's not difficult when you're in the midst of a teen crisis, but they absolutely can and do come through this Grin

worriedofSouthLondon · 18/10/2019 15:02

So please to hear DRM that you DS is doing well. Pat on the back fro you and your husband!

My DS has just explained to me that nude videos and sending them to BF is of course illegal. As this is happening from a mobile phone in my name I am (if anything ever went wrong) liable for prosecution. Things like this of course rarely escalate to online abuse, but these teenagers are so fickle. All it takes is a mate of BF getting a glimpse of it and it could go all viral. This is a terrifying thought as pictures posted online can never be taken off once uploaded. I cannot understand how she could be so irresponsible especially as they have had several talks at school about the dangers of internet abuse. There is no way I can safeguard against this and I feel powerless. But at the end of the day my DD will have to face consequences (hopefully there will never be any) herself.

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