Teenage daughter social skills

[TrumpingtonTowers]

I wanted some advice on my 13yo daughters social interactions as I don’t feel this is normal teen behaviour. Most of this is taking place on social media or in school. She does not have unlimited internet access and does not have her phone in her bedroom. She is obsessed with her phone and messaging, she would go on it all waking hours if she could. Recently I looked at her messages as I was quite worried about the amount of fall outs she was having - hence I’m not sure how to raise things else she will know I’ve looked at her messages and I don’t want her to feel embarrassed, I also feel bad for invading her privacy.

I will try to bullet point it, as it’s a mess altogether.

She will get involved in other people’s arguments and, no other word for it, shit stir - ie screen shotting something someone has said about someone else and sending it to the other person. She tries to be manipulative to get people to do/say things against others and then tells the others what so and so has said.

She will tell people she might have ADHD, autism, that she has anxiety, depression - that she has been crying in her room all night, that she is starving herself, that she never sees her dad (he lives with us) as he is an alcoholic, that she is upset as people she is close to have died recently who haven’t - ie uncle, grandparent. A child who had died in a nearby town was made out to be a good friend of the family and all her friends rallied around to support her grieving - she had never met this child. It is all made up, seemingly to get attention / sympathy.

A boy asked her out, she was messaging him that night asking repeatedly if he loved her, and then virtually hounding the boy with a one sided argument as he didn’t reply quickly enough and eventually said he must hate her, sent lots of heartbreak/pain/angst memes to him, messaged all her friends saying they had broken up with crying emojis asking them to message him to find out why he “hates her”, the lad blocked her in the end. This was not a one off, she has done it to other boys, and is also the same with her friends - expecting an instant response and if she doesn’t get one that means her friend now hates her for some reason or is “being funny”.

Obviously it’s all attention seeking but in a negative way, she comes across as quite confident and does have friends who she also sees outside of school but she can’t carry on like this, someone will find out the stuff she is lying about, or someone will just exploit her obvious neediness.

@Raphae34 - she does live in the real word - see previous posts re engaging her, she does not shut herself in her room all night on her phone - she is usually sitting with us in the living room, which why it is such a shock to see she is messaging about how she’s been crying all night when she is sitting serenely opposite us! My son had a mobile phone with no issue - we appear to be a lot stricter than her friends parents as they are continuing to message/post long after she’s given up her phone to go to bed.

@momen52 she is definitely immature, and I think she is so well developed people think she is older. I do persevere taking her swimming as once I am there the tiredness goes, and we go for a coffee after which she likes, it probably makes her feel grown up.

...umm despite my prior posts.... honestly that text isn't a big deal...it sounds like joke banter I would have had with a friend as a teen. I mean if it actually meant as real ... it still just smacks of a kid being a kid lol.

Not that it isn't worrying if its in conjunction with other stuff but as is...it isn't a big deal.

@Pinkbonbon
There are literally pages and pages of texts like those to that one boy in the space of an hour, it’s not banter, the boy was clearly very uncomfortable.

I think she does need to be told that if she carries on like this she will have no friends, people won't like her. Her behaviour is wrong and it will get her in trouble in the end.

This actually has a name... sad (something) where teens make up all sorts of things to get attention, sympathy etc.

Sadfishing.

And people who practice it are causing that kids who have a real need of support are not getting and accused of faking their problems it thanks to so many other teens faking problem they do not have for the sake of getting a reaction in social media.

Sadfishing - we all know someone who does it. Not like this tho'.

OP, social isolation by removing DDs phone is not as hard as social isolation by exclusion from a peer group. Just a thought?

Lose the phone, find a shrink. No further discussion - jumping on this will stop it getting so awful that DD hasn't got a way back when she needs one.

We went through this with DD2. We got an autism diagnosis when she was 15.
We’ve actually been in therapy this morning - she invited me and it’s taken just over 2 years. I feel pretty shit after it if I’m honest. I constantly punished her for doing those things but she told me today she just wished someone had noticed how bad things were in her head at the time and helped. She talked about how lonely and isolated she felt at the time and that she was very panicked and paranoid.
If I’m honest the diagnosis hasn’t been helpful for us DD was too old for most help and too young for the other - she also refuses to believe it which can be unhelpful but I understand.
The best thing I’ve read about females with autism is this - females on the spectrum have been described as being like swans – appearing to glide across the surface of life but paddling furiously under the surface just to keep afloat!

This sounds quite extreme OP. Her phone is feeding into what sound like actual mental health problems.

She needs her phone taken away and some serious detox.

My Dd is at school with someone exactly like this and they have been diagnosed as on the autism spectrum. I’ve no idea what that means in terms of help etc but just saying the behaviour your Dd is exhibiting is exactly the same. At one point my Dd was bullied by the girl for a few months incl over social media only to be told she couldn’t understand what the problem was because she is on the spectrum and lacks empathy and needs to be told when she has gone too far, what’s acceptable and what is considered normal. The girl began offering sex at 14 to any boy who sent her messages. I think you need her properly assessed. You say you are struggling financially but call it an investment and go private if you need to.

Sorry I haven't checked in in a while. I suggested the autism/ adhd, as your dd had said she had these, when talking to her friends .
I.have a son with asd, high functioning and coping very well.
We don't get many supports as he is high functioning, but since his diagnosis at 9 years old, our management, understanding and interaction with him has changed, and all for the better.
We finally understood his moods, seemingly lack of interest in things, lack of imagination, lack.of empathy and it helped us engage more with him.
He hasn't changed ,( he's nearly 15 now) but the changes in us have helped him hugely .
What I'm trying to say, is , a diagnosis may not get u extra support but it will enable you to understand your dd behaviours better and in turn that may help her cope better.
If you can, read Tony Attwoods, the complete guide to aspergers.
It's an oldie but a goodie.
Lots of info and insight into aspergers and high functioning asd.
Hope this helps.
You may see your dd in the text of this book or you may not, either way its worth a read to see if you do.
The very best of luck.
You're doing your best, being on here looking for advice just proves that. We're all learning as we go.