Teenage daughter social skills

[TrumpingtonTowers]

I wanted some advice on my 13yo daughters social interactions as I don’t feel this is normal teen behaviour. Most of this is taking place on social media or in school. She does not have unlimited internet access and does not have her phone in her bedroom. She is obsessed with her phone and messaging, she would go on it all waking hours if she could. Recently I looked at her messages as I was quite worried about the amount of fall outs she was having - hence I’m not sure how to raise things else she will know I’ve looked at her messages and I don’t want her to feel embarrassed, I also feel bad for invading her privacy.

I will try to bullet point it, as it’s a mess altogether.

She will get involved in other people’s arguments and, no other word for it, shit stir - ie screen shotting something someone has said about someone else and sending it to the other person. She tries to be manipulative to get people to do/say things against others and then tells the others what so and so has said.

She will tell people she might have ADHD, autism, that she has anxiety, depression - that she has been crying in her room all night, that she is starving herself, that she never sees her dad (he lives with us) as he is an alcoholic, that she is upset as people she is close to have died recently who haven’t - ie uncle, grandparent. A child who had died in a nearby town was made out to be a good friend of the family and all her friends rallied around to support her grieving - she had never met this child. It is all made up, seemingly to get attention / sympathy.

A boy asked her out, she was messaging him that night asking repeatedly if he loved her, and then virtually hounding the boy with a one sided argument as he didn’t reply quickly enough and eventually said he must hate her, sent lots of heartbreak/pain/angst memes to him, messaged all her friends saying they had broken up with crying emojis asking them to message him to find out why he “hates her”, the lad blocked her in the end. This was not a one off, she has done it to other boys, and is also the same with her friends - expecting an instant response and if she doesn’t get one that means her friend now hates her for some reason or is “being funny”.

Obviously it’s all attention seeking but in a negative way, she comes across as quite confident and does have friends who she also sees outside of school but she can’t carry on like this, someone will find out the stuff she is lying about, or someone will just exploit her obvious neediness.

She sounds like a huge drama queen with too much time on her hands.

Phone stays downstairs at night snd she commits to a club. Drama might be a good choice. She needs rescuing from herself, it sounds utterly exhausting.

I would be amazed if she needed a diagnosis! Honestly, the poster who said she couldn't distinguish between real life and reality tv had it spot on, and its not uncommon.

Dd2 went through this. She was diagnosed with adhd as an 18 year old. I would never ever have thought that.

Why can't you take her phone off her? Honestly we tie ourselves up in knots when the solution is staring us in the face. She'll probably be relieved! It's at least worth a try!

We are hoping that diagnosis will help dd understand her own actions and reactions. Girls with autism often receive a diagnosis related to poor mental health initially (anxiety self harming, borderline personality disorder, eating disorder, depression), before autism is explored.

I don't want my dd to get to that stage. She already has issues with self esteem and anxiety. I hope that diagnosis would bring self awareness. I hope that it would also mean that she is treated with kindness and more understanding by those she chooses to share her diagnosis with .

@Trewser
Her phone is given up at 10pm, she does not have it overnight. She was in a drama club last year which led to a production where she had a part which she enjoyed, kept her occupied and she made friends from all years. This year she “can’t be bothered”.

Re ASD - School will not give support without a diagnosis, they have a social skills group but this is for children who have significant additional needs, when I spoke to pastoral staff about it after the “friend who died” she said it would not be appropriate.

I know a bit about the diagnostic pathway for ASD after supporting a friend for her daughter’s assessment, and it hadn’t really made any difference in terms of help as she is high functioning, she doesn’t meet the criteria for EHCP or extra help at school. It does not mean they automatically have CAMHS intervention. My friend was told to access autism uk for strategies, and her daughter will not be offered a review.

If there are ways I could support her, even using strategies for children on the spectrum, I could do this now without waiting for a diagnosis when she is rising 16.

@Trewser do you mean take her phone off her completely? That would socially isolate her, and she already has internet use limited. What worries me about removing the phone is that it just delays the problem without her learning to use it properly.

Trewser do you mean take her phone off her completely? That would socially isolate her, and she already has internet use limited

Why would it socially isolate her? Take it off her when she gets home for a few hours then she gets it back after homework and a club. Insist on the club, with bribery if necessary. She can't be bothered because she's addicted to her phone.

Personally, i would take phone off her altogether for a period of time. Her behaviour is pretty shocking and it cant be nice for her apart from anyone else.

Of course it doesn't delay the problem! Most girls don't have this issue, it's not a given!

What would happen if her phone broke and the new one took 10 days to come? Are you saying in that time her social life would fall apart?

@Trewser - when I say delay the problem I mean with her specifically - if she doesn’t have her phone and then has it back when she is older, unless the issues have been addressed she will just carry on the same way, but older.

She would get socially isolated as arrangements are made to meet up with friends after school / weekends on the phone.

Honestly? If my dd was being this odd then meeting up with friends wouldn't be on the radar for a while. I think you are wrong about delaying it - they grow out of it but I'm not sure your dds phone use is entirely normal.

It sounds really tiring for her. 10pm is far too late imo. When does she have the TIME to do all this, my dd is 13 and just wouldn't have the time. She leaves her phone in the kitchen at 9pm by choice so she can sleep well and only has an hour or so off between sports and homework!

Your child is desperately crying out for attention and approval from her peers. She's shit stirring for the same exact reason,whether she understands her own motivation to do so or not. We can quibble over a diagnosis all day long but this is your child and your family. You need to get her assessed stat be it by a pediatric psychiatrist or a developmental/behavioral pediatrician. If her behavior continues she will have exhausted the patience and tolerance of her peers. You object to social isolation if she is deprived of her phone-you need to see the bigger picture this will happen if her behavior continues

@EKGEMS
See above re waiting times, there would be no chance of her seeing a child psychiatrist or a paediatrician on the criteria where we live.

She sounds like she's got a personality disorder (I'm a mental health professional). Get her seen privately. Early intervention for this type of behaviour is essential

Sorry meant to say seeing a child psychiatrist or paediatrician “stat”.
Oh I can see the bigger picture which is why I have come in here for advice re possible strategies etc as at the end of the day medicalising the problem will likely just result in behaviour management.

And private assessment is way beyond our means at the moment, we are just keeping our heads above water as it is.

And I will go to the GP and request a referral, but in the interim between then and a lengthy wait I want to be able to help her.

I am grateful for the input from people here re the need for proper assessment, and I will try and get a referral, however as an HCP (for adults) I know the waits are long and thresholds are high, I wondered if anyone knows any good resources or info that I can look at re these issues, and then try to talk to her and give some guidance from an informed point of view?

I'm sorry there are such long waiting lists and delays in your area and yes I also am a health care provider of hospitalized adults but it's in the US. I really do hope you can get her help

It doesn't sound like ADHD but I agree with pp that she really might have some social-communication issues on the autism spectrum.

There are a couple of things she will get from a diagnosis (if she has anythig diagnosable, of course). First and very important, she will get some insight into her own behaviour, that will let her find strategies and resources that she can use to help herself and manage her own life and her own condition as she grows up.

any help would be a long time coming, almost by the time she leaves school, and a diagnosis wouldn’t be a solution.

Second, life doesn't stop when she leaves school. A diagnosis would be very useful if she goes to university (or tries to get a job). With a formal diagnosis she can get support and understanding, and maybe some resources. Without a diagnosis she will just be that student who annoys all the others and causes trouble. Even if someone recognises the problem and encourages her to get help it will take even longer to get any.

The NAS is a good starting point but given her age it may be better to keep your powder dry and let your DD hear about autism from a neutral/professional outsider.

No phone removal? Just me?

Amazed at the instant medicalisation of this issue without trying anything more practical first.

medicalising the problem will likely just result in behaviour management.

I would say the opposite. Without fully understanding the underlying problem there is nothing you can do except for naive behaviour management - she shouldn't do X so I will try to reward or punish her out of doing X. One of the huge benefits of the diagnostic assessments was that I got to see exactly what my DC struggled with, what he didn't understand, which of the many abilities and skills he was weak on. Seeing the speech and language therapist methodically work through all the things I'd assumed he did understand and could do if he chose, and finding he truly didn't have a clue, was quite a shock. And that's the starting point for learning to handle things differently.

You can't begin to manage the behaviour until you know why it's happening - not just "autism" (or whatever) but the specific ability or skill that's weak or missing. It's not the behaviour you (and she) need to deal with, it's whatever underlies the behaviour. "She doesn't understand how other people interpret her own actions" or "she is perseverating on getting a response" or "either someone reacts exactly the way she expects or she believes they hate her" etc etc.

Theres a girl in my dds school who behaves a bit like this and she has lost most of her friends now. Young people are not very understanding and even the nice ones will stay away from her to avoid getting caught up in any drama. I think I would be very concerned.