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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Bit of an odd one .... not sure what to make of it, thoughts please ?

32 replies

Flossiefoo · 15/09/2019 23:27

I'll try and make this brief ..
15 1/2 yo dd has had a sort of bf for a couple of months
see each other rarely outside of school due to distance and we aren't facilitating the relationship for several reasons ie upcoming GCSE's, other committments etc
16yo bf lives with dad
bf seems quite emotionally needy and quite intense
bf's dad has messaged us recently tellin US that his son wants a long term relationship with our dd and that she does too !
Firstly dh is pretty cross another man is telling US what our dd wants, secondly it's only been a few months and dd is 15 !!!
What would you think ?

OP posts:
Flossiefoo · 15/09/2019 23:28

.. and we don't believe that our dd wants the same. We feel like we're in some sort of 'arranged marriage' scenario :-O :-O

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 15/09/2019 23:31

Talk to your DD.

Blamangeme · 15/09/2019 23:32

Out on a limb here but... Bf parents want to palm him off? Desperate to make sure he's happy? Will probably find he has few friends and possibly socially awkward.

Bookworm4 · 15/09/2019 23:33

How odd, his dad messaged you Hmm

MonChatEstMagnifique · 15/09/2019 23:36

Weird. Just talk to your daughter and see what she's thinking and feeling.

pumkinspicetime · 15/09/2019 23:38

Is it some way of reaching out and smoothing the path for his ds?
Speaking to your dd would be sensible as a first step.
My honest instinct would be to text back, kids- I remember when she was going to marry little Sam when she was 6 years old.

But it might not be that helpful if it gets back to dd.

Maybe some thing more neutral. Like.
Young love, we stay out of the ups and downs. Maybe catch up with you at next school event?

Flossiefoo · 16/09/2019 00:09

We did respond by saying they are 'way too young' and have so much going on this year to have the time or distractions .. to which he then agreed ! We don't want to make a huge thing out of it with dd as we want to keep any interactions minimal and not encourage this relationship. So, we don't want to broach it with dd just yet as it seems way, way too ridiculous to contemplate. I suspect the bf has told dd of his wishes and knowing her, she's sort of gone 'er yeah' because of not knowing what to say. The dad is nice enough but is too familiar and has been messaging dd recently about stuff going on with the son - things she does not need to know, totally unecessary !!! DD doesn't know I know this - I saw a few Instagram messages pop up and thought WFT ?. I really get the feeling he is trying to involve dd to much, to direct and nurture this relationship for his son and it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 16/09/2019 00:16

Your update has upped the oddness level to 1000! Her bf dad is messaging her? Completely inappropriate and way overstepping boundaries, she’s 15!
I think your DH needs to have a word with him and you need to explain to her this is not how relationships work.

BackforGood · 16/09/2019 00:21

I agree with Bookworm4

Why on earth would he be messaging her. Hmm that is totally inappropriate and I would certainly be talking to her about that, and blocking his number.

Is it just me that thinks it is odd he has either her number, or your number ?

MonChatEstMagnifique · 16/09/2019 00:24

Can't the kids sort their own relationship out at 15? I don't really understand the need for the parental involvement on either side as long as they're doing well at school.

Rainatnight · 16/09/2019 00:28

He sounds mad, and obviously you have every right not to want him to contact your DD.

Aside from that though, I do find the idea of parents not wanting their teenagers to have relationships because it’s a ‘distraction’ a bit sad. Isn’t learning about love - and having fun! - one of the points of being a teenager?

Drogosnextwife · 16/09/2019 00:29

I think you may want to stop her going to this boys house. Not stop her seeing the boy but keep her away from the father. He sounds very over invested in your dd.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 16/09/2019 00:30

He is not just over stepping, he is slomping all over bounderies.

Be is manipulative and should not be contacting yoyr dd at all, especially not to foister his son on to her.

It would be prudent to stop him from doing this. He needs to be told no.

avamiah · 16/09/2019 00:35

Bookworm4 ,
Totally agree with you.
15 is a child, and the father should not be messaging OP’s daughter at all it’s outrageous and totally inappropriate to start with .
I would personally report the father to the police as his behaviour is very concerning.

BlankTimes · 16/09/2019 01:41

More red flags than any metaphor you can think of.

The father is far too invested, his behaviour is way out of whack to be any sort of normal.

By talking direct to your dd he is eroding boundaries, particularly her natural defences towards him as her bf's parent. He's trying to be her friend.

What happens if she goes to their house to see his son, his father answers the door and says his son's just nipped out, he won't be long, do come in...

snitzelvoncrumb · 16/09/2019 02:21

I agree with a pp, I wouldn't let her go to his place anymore, it sounds a bit strange.

Sionna47 · 16/09/2019 07:41

I disagree that you should 'let them sort themselves out at 15'. Your daughter is still a child- legally, socially, and definitely emotionally. She needs parental guidance and protection. Especially if there's a predatory-seeming man that's worming his way into her life.
I would do 2 things- definitely talk to DD. Just because you want the situation to go away doesn't mean it just will. She's not stupid, she sees what's going on, and it's affecting her directly, and with or without your involvement or approval it will keep escalating (the bf and dad messing with her and putting pressure on her). Use this as an opportunity to teach her how to make good, healthy, long-term choices. Trust her enough to be able to discuss this with her and have her see why you have to take step 2.
Step 2- cut off all communication with these people. Explain to your daughter why she can't be in touch with her bf (because of his dad) and how/why it could be dangerous for her. Tell her that if the dad ever messages her again after she's blocked him on a different platform, etc. to come straight to you, and tell your DH to definitely confront the boyfriend's father and let him know in no uncertain terms to leave your family and child alone. Don't shy away from explaining to DD what the consequences of this continuing could be- don't be afraid to use the correct language like 'potential grooming', etc. This step is also why it's so important to discuss this with her first- if you just cut them out without her input, she'll feel like you're trying to unfairly control her, and like you're treating her like a kid (which she is, but teenagers really dont think that they are) and this could then lead to a full-fledged rebellion that could actually endanger her academic progress, etc.
You have to get her away from them but in a way that she sees and understands why it's necessary and agrees with you.

And look, I know the whole 'we want no distractions, she has to focus on GCSEs' thing seems like the plan, but this is life-sometimes things don't happen on a tidy timeline for your convenience. This is a potentially dangerous situation, it's definitely already inappropriate and dodgy, so GCSEs or not, you're gonna have to deal with it with your DD. Plus, this is resilience buliding- very rarely in life do we get to just focus on our main goal without other responsibilities, issues, etc. also requiring our attention. This is a perfect way how you can help guide her on what to do when things happen at inconvenient times. If she'll have your support, she'll be able to handle it (but if you don't talk to her about, and she tries to muddle through this on her own with the creepy dad of BF then it could really go off the rails). Plus, this is a great chance for you to help her understand what healthy relationships are, what boundaries are, what's inappropriate and what red flags mean/look like- for a young woman, that's a potentially life-saving lesson. You have a chance to really help your DD not have to deal with this situation on her own- use it!

Ultimately, tldr- you may want this to go away, not encourage it, etc. but there are other people involved (bf and his dad) and they aren't just gonna drop it without your (serious) intervention. Gonna have to deal with it one way or another, so involve your daughter, help her feel like she has choice and power and is allowed to prioritise her feelings, and do it right.

GrumpiestCat · 16/09/2019 07:47

15/16 year olds can be needy. That's not unusual. The dad butting in is a bit weird. Maybe he's just keeping in touch and warning you about his sons feelings as opposed to trying to sell the idea. He shouldn't be messaging / on your daughter's Instagram though. That bit is weird.

Wildorchidz · 16/09/2019 07:51

Have you met the bf in person??

onemorecakeplease · 16/09/2019 08:08

Oh god you don't think that dd and this boy aren't really in touch any more and the dad is interested in dd? As in trying to get her to come over so he can see her?!

It sounds way too odd and almost as if he is trying to worm his way into her life?

Be careful op people are very strange....

Drogosnextwife · 16/09/2019 08:19

Or, do you think the dad actually might be your dds bf pretending to be his dad?

Flossiefoo · 16/09/2019 22:51

We don’t allow dd to the house at all. Have met bf & nice enough but clearly smitten. Have met dad & he is friendly enough but a bit too familiar - which is something we’ve never come across before so not sure how to deal with it. Perhaps he is just trying to make a pathway for his dd. The message to dd was about his son, he was worried about something.. but we still think unnecessary to involve dd & not fair to involve her. We are keeping both at arms length & in reality dd only sees bf at school. Thank you for all the replies!

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 16/09/2019 22:59

There seems to be a lot of conclusion-jumping here.

Phone the police? For what?

For goodness sake just speak to your dd about it. She's not made of china and saying 'look I noticed bf's dad has messaged you on insta - that's weird. Shall I have a word?' Is hardly likely to result in instant failure of her GCSEs unless there's more to this?

If the dad is over invested, please just tell him to back off. Whilst his behaviour is odd, and unwanted, it doesn't warrant a call to the police just yet!

Ohyesiam · 16/09/2019 23:04

I would definitely be asking the father not to message your daughter again, that it’s inappropriate and needs to stop.

Yeahsurewhatever · 16/09/2019 23:12

She's 15 and will be making her own decisions soon. You can't control her for much longer.
I'd take this opportunity to guide and empower her into her own decision on this disfunctional situation.
..aside from obvious safe guarding against what appears to be a very over invested grown man with boundary issues

Ask her what she thinks?
How did she feel when bfs df messaged her - did she think that was ok?
Does she imagine a future with bf?
Does she feel like bf is creating a healthy relationship? Does she feel like he's the right level of intense..

She'll feel like you're not judging her. Like you trust her. Like she can come to you to speak to you. And hopefully you'll hear that she's quite mature and it will give you a bit of reassurance

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