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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Weekend away for us, appropriate care for 15 year old

34 replies

weekwhat · 08/09/2019 15:29

Hi Ive name changed for this as the details may be revealing -apologies.

DH & I are going away from 3ish on friday to 11ish at night on monday in a few weeks time. We have arranged for a family member to come to stay at our house as my 15 year old dd will be home. We live semi-rural so there is no easy transport. We do have close neighbours though with whom dd gets on well. She is adamant that she will be OK at home alone and is furious at having to have family member to stay. They previously got on really well but have maybe seen too much of each other lately due to family circumstances and now doesn't want her to come (otherwise happy to see her at another time etc). My question is whether you would give in to this and cancel visit and let her stay just with neighbours checking in? I feel this row will escalate with her and regret not discussing it more fully ahead of time. Some related background is that dd doesn't like school and at the end of last term was making comments about being really unhappy and wanting to keep paracetamol in her room. We had contact with camhs but she didn't want to engage so that has stopped. I was worried that this would be 3 weeks into a new term and hence wasn't keen on leaving her alone. I don't think she was actively suicidal but appreciate I may well have no idea and may not know this time. It's helped writing it out but would appreciate the thoughts of those less close to it all! Thank you

OP posts:

negomi90 · 08/09/2019 15:35

Can you talk to her. It sounds like her home alone is not an option (and if you aren't comfortable, which it sounds like for good reason you aren't) then she doesn't stay home alone.
But if you take that option off the table, talk - can she come up with ideas. Staying with another relative or friend (who you trust). Someone else coming over (someone she likes more).
Can you have a discussion to find a middle ground, where you are happy she's safe but she feels listened to and that she has a say.

Saucery · 08/09/2019 15:36

I’d be wary at 15 even if I was absolutely sure the neighbours wouldn’t mind, but with ongoing mh issues, not a chance.
The trouble is, selling it to her, not easy, I know. At 15 I had to go to grandparents which I resented deeply (although I was well behaved when I was there). At 16 I was allowed to stay at home and had friends to stay/come round a couple,of nights.

Does she feel like she’s being babysat by the relative?

MollyButton · 08/09/2019 15:44

To be honest if she is in mental health difficulties I would be seriously considering if both Dh ad I had to go, or trying to rearrange things so she could come too.
Otherwise trying to get more appropriate care. Could she stay with a school friend (whose parents were fully aware of the situation). Or is there anyone else she feels safe with?
And how much have you discussed with your DD how she is feeling? Is she self harming? Why doesn't she want this family member coming? Is there another trusted adult she would prefer?

And yes there is no way I would be leaving her on her own in the circumstances.

Lonecatwithkitten · 08/09/2019 15:48

I have a similar dilemma in a few weeks, but no mental health issues. My solution is a member of my staff who is 22 is moving in and acting as big sister. If DD misbehaves she knows she will have to go and stay at another member staffs who is my age.

MildThing · 08/09/2019 15:50

Can she not go and stay with s friend?

I didn’t leave mine overnight til they were 16.

Original poster

weekwhat · 08/09/2019 17:19

Unfortunately she doesn’t want to stay with a friend (even if I could organise it), she thinks it’s completely reasonable for her to stay alone with neighbour watching. I have tried to talk to her several times but she’s just cross about it almost immediately and it’s been impossible to think of ways to make auntie staying here more ok because of that. I’m kicking myself for agreeing to weekend now but dh would see it as pandering to her if I didn’t go as she often creates to get her own way. Aunt is lovely and preciously dd has asked to go and stay with her etc but she is a little full-on and I think dd has maybe got a bit fed up. Also aunt is a little more used to kids doing what you say and I probably do ‘work round’ dd too much.

OP posts:

Original poster

weekwhat · 08/09/2019 17:21

Previously not preciously

OP posts:

MollyButton · 08/09/2019 17:45

I'd be having words with DH. If your DD has mental health issues then "pandering" may be exactly what she needs.

Original poster

weekwhat · 08/09/2019 18:20

It’s really difficult molly because I’m not sure about mh issues and am trying to tread a fine line between listening and spending loads of time with her but not (hard to word this) letting any possible mh issues dominate. She hasn’t self harmed at all and has never taken any tablets. She seems happy at home and with friends. She does things eg first concert this summer, into fashion, plays football etc etc but then will suddenly talk about tablets mostly when she doesn’t want to go to lessons at school. She is anxious about school after a long time with lots of sick days due to bad injury but I’m trying to not let the mh stuff take over as I’m not sure how big it is. At camhs she liked it when they talked about fun things but didn’t want to go when they tried to do any therapy work. I know that’s normal but I also wondered a little if it was because she’s fundamentally ok but finds some school lessons really challenging (& boring) & wants to avoid them. There is no bullying. But of course I’m nervous about ignoring a risk I maybe can’t see but I’m also nervous about teaching her that this is a way to get what you want rather than learning better skills. That probably sounds really confusing (and I am confused about it all!) and I feel like I’ve possibly highjacked my own thread away from the weekend.

OP posts:

MollyButton · 08/09/2019 20:11

The issue with mental health in my experience is that it isn't simple. Say Sophie has mental health issues. Most of the time Sophie can seem "normal". So when she has a crisis it comes out of nowhere. But what you don't see is that on some of her "normal" days she is hearing voices, or she feels physically sick going into school or whatever. But on those "normal" days she has enough energy to put on the act and "pass" for normal.
There may be times of day she becomes more overwhelmed (bed time or mornings or night times).
If your DD got to see CAMHS then her mental issues are real as it is a high threshold to see them (at some times and places as second suicide attempt). Lots of young people don't cooperate with CAMHS. They don't get to choose their therapist, and it can take lots of bouts of therapy to see real progress.

In my experience if she can cope without you she will want you to go, but you can't agree to that being without an adult present. So you need to discuss with her what is the best solution she can come up with. But also be available (for instance I couldn't go somewhere out of phone contact as my DC would need that contact even if I'm away).
Does her Aunt have any empathy and understanding of mental health issues?

And School is a major stress for young people at present. I have had DDs refuse to go into school on occasion, and actually got to the point that I just frankly told school they were not in because of mental health issues. I think a key aspect is to not allow others to pressurise you, but to see clearly just how distressed your DC is, and if there is something you can do to help them.

As for the weekend - basically you can't leave a possibly suicidal young person alone for the weekend. You certainly can't leave "neighbours" to care for her - that just isn't fair on the neighbours nevermind your DD.

WilkosWanderer · 09/09/2019 07:46

Forgive me if this sounds insane but, would any of her friends stay over the weekend? As you say she's happy with them, and they're probably well aware of DDs mh issues.

trilbydoll · 09/09/2019 07:54

Is there a compromise, auntie goes home Sunday lunchtime? And dd can hopefully understand that you feel 3.5 days is too much, it's no reflection on her but if the Sunday lunchtime to Monday eve is fine then you'll be reassured for next time?

ExpletiveDelighted · 09/09/2019 07:56

No way would I leave her without a trusted adult in these circumstances. If I did I wouldn't enjoy the weekend because I'd be worrying about her. I'd cancel, its not pandering, its putting her needs first.

AltheaVestr1t · 09/09/2019 07:57

Absolutely would not leave my 15yo alone for 3 nights, under any circumstances. 1 night yes.

Whenaretheholidaysover · 09/09/2019 08:03

No I wouldn’t. Possibly one night with a friend which is what I was allowed to do when I was 15 but definitely not alone especially under the circumstances.

Userwhatevernumber · 09/09/2019 08:04

Molly - you are making the mental health issues more than what the OP has, and the OP knows her best. It isn’t feasible to cancel the weekend away. No one says she is possibly suicidal.

OP I think you have done the right thing by getting family member. Try and talk to her to see what she is worried about, perhaps give her a choice of family members if there are a few (she might even choose the Aunt anyway) and check in with her each day in over the wknd.

missnevermind · 09/09/2019 08:08

Maybe she could come Saturday lunchtime/afternoon till the same time Sunday

Ohflippineck · 09/09/2019 08:11

Could she go and stay with a friend, in their home? I wouldn’t leave her alone.

ExpletiveDelighted · 09/09/2019 08:16

I wouldn't leave my 15yo alone for that long and they don't have mental health issues. I agree that its a high bar to get a CAMHS referral at all so the MH issues shouldn't be ignored. I get what you are saying about not wanting the MH issues to dominate and become something bigger than they really are but safety comes first.

stucknoue · 09/09/2019 08:16

We had a young colleague come and stay at that age, we made it clear to our then 15 year old that the (responsible) adult wasn't there to cook, clean, walk the dog etc just to sleep over and in case of emergencies. They actually loved it, she was only 23 at the time and fun

letitrainonme · 09/09/2019 08:18

Will auntie take her out like late night cinema and food or something? Then maybe do something else of her choice like shopping. But give her lots of alone time too. I know then this will cost you.

CherryPavlova · 09/09/2019 08:19

Tell her she’s a child and needs to do as she’s told. It would be a non negotiable for me, I’m afraid. An evening would be fine but three days wouldn’t. Imagine, as has happened to some unfortunate parents, that an idiot peer spreads the word about an unsupervised house on social media and forty youngsters with vodka pitch up for a party.

Give her the option of the relative or finding a friend to stay with. She’d be miserable after a few hours on her own with a long weekend to fill anyway.

Don’t cancel your weekend away as she’s not a baby that can’t understand your right to a bit of fun. Just don’t let her set the rules.

Sconesat4 · 09/09/2019 08:25

I don’t think most responsible parents would leave a 15 year old alone anyway.
If she is in fragile mental health even worse. I think your daughter has to accept having her Aunt stay. Perhaps you could have a word with the Aunt and ask her to be low key and leave your daughter to get on things without her interfering too much?

Charley50 · 09/09/2019 08:27

Having her aunt there is the responsible thing to do and is caring for any possible MH things that come up.
Cancelling would be 'over- pandering' and could lead to controlling behaviours on your DD's part.
It's too much to put on a neighbour, so auntie is the best option. She isn't mature enough to stay on her own right now.

CandyLeBonBon · 09/09/2019 08:53

I would. I was travelling across Europe with a sane aged friend on our own at that age! And my mother regularly left me alone at that age and younger.

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