Weekend away for us, appropriate care for 15 year old

[weekwhat]

Hi Ive name changed for this as the details may be revealing -apologies.

DH & I are going away from 3ish on friday to 11ish at night on monday in a few weeks time. We have arranged for a family member to come to stay at our house as my 15 year old dd will be home. We live semi-rural so there is no easy transport. We do have close neighbours though with whom dd gets on well. She is adamant that she will be OK at home alone and is furious at having to have family member to stay. They previously got on really well but have maybe seen too much of each other lately due to family circumstances and now doesn't want her to come (otherwise happy to see her at another time etc). My question is whether you would give in to this and cancel visit and let her stay just with neighbours checking in? I feel this row will escalate with her and regret not discussing it more fully ahead of time. Some related background is that dd doesn't like school and at the end of last term was making comments about being really unhappy and wanting to keep paracetamol in her room. We had contact with camhs but she didn't want to engage so that has stopped. I was worried that this would be 3 weeks into a new term and hence wasn't keen on leaving her alone. I don't think she was actively suicidal but appreciate I may well have no idea and may not know this time. It's helped writing it out but would appreciate the thoughts of those less close to it all! Thank you

I was left at home for a week at this age, so maybe I am more relaxed than most, but I probably would with a neighbor popping in. If you really aren't comfortable ask yourself what age you would be okay with this and try to approach it with her in that way.

I have to say, I wouldn't be overly happy about spending the weekend with someone I really didn't want to either. Will the aunt leave her to do her own thing or expect your DD to keep her company?

Thank you to everyone. It’s been really helpful to think it through a bit more from your points of view without dd. I am going to hold firm on auntie being there. And I am going to write down the various options she can use to make it more bearable eg one night at friends or friend at ours, arranging a lift rather than auntie driving her from school etc. That way she may actually consider them as options she can control even if she can’t control the auntie bit. I think our area camhs must have a much lower barrier to referrals, she has only ever mentioned to school counsellor that she had some paracetamol in her room (one packet, now locked away) and felt like killing herself at school sometimes. I took her to gp, she was referred to camhs crisis (who she liked because they were more about relationship building I think so we’re happy to chat about TV or hair etc), they identified anxiety around school/social situations & referred to camhs, she didn’t like first worker and they’ve offered another. There definitely hasn’t been any risky behaviour only what she said. However it’s always in my mind that you can’t be sure (hence me sitting on the fence a bit) & I guess for camhs they have to take it at face value. Auntie knows about camhs but dd doesn’t know she knows (dd didn’t want her to know and I probably should have said it was non negotiable but...). Auntie is caring about mh issues but also firm if you know what I mean. I probably won’t enjoy the break as it’s ‘cost’ in terms of the stress before after & during will far outweigh the enjoyment but I do feel (as someone said upthread, thank you) that if I cancel when there is perfectly reasonable care dd will have kind of controlled things too much (in terms of what is good for her and me I think) if that’s makes sense. I’m not looking forward to the next conversation about it but other than auntie I am willing to bend over backwards to make it work (oh and I did offer her staying over at her friends for the weekend as friends mum would say ok if I explained but she didn’t want that either). I just don’t think she sees that given what she’s been saying it would be difficult to leave her alone. I’m not worried about parties etc (we live rural & neighbour great) it’s her possibly getting down & impulsive. Thank you again and sorry for super long reply - it actually really helps to think if through.

I wouldn't have left a 15y home alone overnight at all, even without possible MH issues. Certainly not for 3 nights.

Either a family member comes to stay or she stays at a friend's house (if their parents agree) - those would be my options.

I was grateful for having the thinking space from the range of opinions here so thought Id let you know how it went for anyone interested. I did feel hugely pressured by dd at the time but in the end I stuck to the auntie coming to stay plan - made every effort not to get in a fight about it when she raised objections. Just kept saying really sorry she wasn't happy, will do anything reasonable to make it better etc then changing subject. And repeat, in the face of a lot of flak. Well the gods of parents of teenagers were smiling because when it came to the actual weekend she kind of just accepted it and beyond a few moans it was all OK. We did arrange for her to stay at a friend's house one night which helped. Definitely gave me a bit of confidence to stick to my guns when required. Thanks all!

Thanks for the update glad u had a good weekend

15 is perfectly fine to be left alone.
I mean, she can marry/live alone at 16 with permission for Christ sakes:p

I do understand from her point of view. I’m much happier alone, and my anxiety settles which has always meant my depression doesn’t peak quite as much despite my parents anxiety in leaving me alone. In fact having someone there to ‘mind’ me just makes me twenty times worse.

I agree with your conclusion in the end, I would do the same. I have a 15 year old too and would not leave her for that length of time either.

Good luck, I know it's hard as they are not keen on being babysat at that age!!!

I’ve had to make the same decisions. My two are 13 and 15 and I wanted to take my husband for a night away for his birthday. We’ve been having some issues and could really do with the time alone but kids don’t really need a babysitter as such but still too young/immature to be alone for a whole night and day so we’ve compromised that they will be at home alone until dinner time when my uncle will pick them up to take them to his and my aunts place where they will eat together, kids will stay over and then go home after lunch the next day and we’ll be back by 5ish