DD allowance dilemma

[Guiltyandtired]

Dd is 13, nearly 14, going into year 9. She's at an independent school in London. This summer it's become very clear that a lot of her friends have a lot of disposable income and I'm wondering how to manage it.
Previously I have been buying all her school lunches, toiletries and "main" clothing- uniform, coats, shoes, sports kit, plus enough everyday clothing to cover weekends and evenings. She then got £30 a month to spend on going out and tat from the shops. This worked well for a year.

However, this summer she's been out meeting friends every day. They always have lunch out (£5-10) plus there have been lots of trips shopping to Westfield, cinema, ice skating etc which we have funded. None of her friends are strapped for cash and I don't want her to be sitting home when everyone is out so we've just stumped up- Ive looked on her account just now and we've given her about £300 in spends in 6 weeks.

Now this is all very new to me and DH as we're not from this background at all. I know I need to teach her to budget but how, when none of her friends seem to have to? It's compounded by the fact that we can afford this and she knows it, so we'd just be saying she can't see her friends to make a point I'm not even sure about?

I was thinking of increasing her allowance to £50 per month and absolutely not giving her any more. This needs to cover out of school lunches and fun shopping. Before I get an absolute pasting, please be assured I am aware that we are in a very fortunate position. However we made the choice for this school, which led to her friends, which has led to this. I feel uncomfortable imposing values from my northern impoverished upbringing on my richer London child. DH and I have made decisions have landed us here so I'm interested in what people in similar circumstances do.

I've been around for 12 years- just name changed for this as I don't want it linked to previous posting history.

It’s a difficult one. Our Northern DD 14 doesn’t get any allowance or pocket money as she does nothing in the home and would only spend it on tat or chocolate.
If she is buying something for lunch in town with friends we give her a fiver, or pay for cinema or whatever but this happens (Town, cinema or trampoline park day once a fortnight). She has a bank account with Christmas money in from this year and last year (she won’t spend her own money). If she wanted to be out meeting friends every day and wanting money I would be putting my foot down.
Her best friend gets £5 a week pocket money ( for lunch to save/spend or for stationary) so they can’t afford to physically meet up every week.

My question would be what does she do to earn her pocket money? My daughter who is fourteen only receives her pocket money of she does chores etc. I think it is fine to increase her pocket money but make her earn it.

She's been out every day over the holidays (unless we've been doing things as a family.) Every day. She is extremely sociable and between school friends, 2 sports clubs plus friends from her old school it's been very busy. When every one is out and posting pics of fun it seems ridiculous to say she can't go because I won't give her money we can afford. However then I worry that she's not learning anything about budgeting or life or anything.....

She does very little. Fills dishwasher, lacklustre tidying, reading with her brother occasionally. She can't do much as she's always bloody out/ at school/ playing sport (she does sports 4 nights a week then there's homework).

Does she earn it? Chores etc?

Agree with pp that she needs to do chores to earn pocket money. If you increase it to £50 a month what do you expect her to use the money for? Lunches out plus activities? School stationery?
Will she need to budget to make sure she saves enough to cover school holidays? Or will you give her extra for those times?

The plan is she saves to cover for the holidays....

Ds is 14 and I give him £8 per week. I also give him an extra £3 if he is going to be out at a mealtime so potentially during school holiday days that could be an extra £15 per week (it’s the same as I put on his school lunch account).

He has no interest in buying clothes & toiletries but I give his sister £15 per week extra as she likes to get her own stuff (whereas I buy it all for ds).

I think raise her allowance, but be clear on the terms. Allow her input at the planning stage, but you get the final say! What, if anything, does she need to do to earn the allowance? Be specific - help around the house is too vague, also, what does a tidy bedroom look like? I think making a weekly /monthly budget cover the holidays teaches budgeting skills, so to do that fairly, you have to tell her from the beginning, and then stick to your word. Remind her to save some money for next August - if she runs out, then she can't afford it, nothing to do with you!

I'd raise it but give it her at the beginning of the month and make it clear that once it's gone, it's gone and she'll get no more until the next month. At some point, she has to learn to budget and that she can't do EVERYTHING, despite how rich you are.

(I don't mean that in a bitchy way about being rich!!)

Personally, I don't think £50 is that much. Yes, I'm late 20s now but I had a similar allowance than that at 14. Also from an area of London thought to be quite well-to-do.
To cover socialising in London and shopping for weekend clothes etc.. it's not going to go all that far, especially in school holidays.

Read the Entitlement Trap. Fascinating idea to use as a base.

I worked out the absolute necessary for clothes annually - home, sports, school (no uniform), shoes. I worked out it came to about a whopping 140€/month. But as DD1(14) had a full wardrobe to start with she gets 70€/month. She pays for all clothes, treats, cinema, trips out etc with friends. Never asks for more. Does all chores as asked.

Generally all DC see something needs doing and do it. Also do food prep & cooking.

DD2 (13) gets 45€ as she could have DD1´s stuff she grows out of. She refuses so that's her choice. Pretty much same deal otherwise.

DSD(13) gets 20€ a month but we only have her 50/50 and her mum buys her an absurd amount of clothes. Absolutely astonishing amount. With her allowance we normally take her for a couple of shopping trips a year. They get to add Xmas and birthday money too.

I pay all their phones and travel passes and so far, 3 years in its working pretty well.

They periodically sit down and write up their accointa. They have debit cards.

My almost 15 yo gets £170 per month paid into their account.
From that they have to buy all their friends/family birthday presents, Easter eggs, gifts, souvenirs, etc, (inc for Xmas), toiletries, make up, clothes, shoes, and spending money for going out, cinema, snacks, etc.

I supply school uniform once a year or if they genuinely grow out of something, but they have to replace things if it's just because they've not looked after stuff.

In return, they have chores to do, including feeding animals, washing/ drying/ironing everyone's clothes, cleaning bathroom and making dinner once a week.

This works well for us and it's definitely teaching them not to be so wasteful as they have to decide which activities they want to do most, or if they really need another top, etc.

I don't think saying yes to every activity is a good idea though, even if you can afford it.

Social skills are also important, better to be out then sat in on ipad/laptop/youtube and phone like most kids now! It’s great she’s out having fun !

I came to that figure by working out what I'd been spending on average on their clothes, toiletries, cinema, bowling, etc, etc, over the course of a year and then just divided by 12.

They know how their money is split (eg, £20 per week for leisure/fun activities, £10 month for make up, £40 pm for clothes/shoes), but how they actually spends or is down to them, with the understanding that no more will be forth coming if they mismanage it.

*spend it, not or

Hi Guilty,
We have a DD of the same age and precisely the same problem.
We've decided to address it by maintaining her standard monthly allowance but paying an additional holiday allowance on top. We originally planned to increase her monthly allowance and have her save for the holidays over the course of the year, but we think the time frame is too long at her age. We already make her eke out her monthly allowance to improve her budgeting skills so have decided to just enable her to relax and enjoy her holidays. After a bit of discussion we've decided to pay the holiday allowance in fortnightly instalments so that if she does run out she feels the pain somewhat but doesn't have too long to wait until the next installment.
I know it's not popular but we also don't tie her allowance to household jobs. She is expected to keep her bedroom, bathroom and study clean and tidy and to do ad hoc stuff (especially cooking) when asked but we don't recompense extra chores as we see them as part of family life. She's at a demanding school and does a lot of hours of school, homework, sport, and volunteering and that's what we consider her job and where we really where we want her to concentrate her efforts.

Some really great responses. Thank you everyone. I'm interested to see that £50 a month isn't the huge amount I thought it was in my head (although it was my food budget for nearly a month at Uni in the early 90s!) She is at a demanding school with a lot of pressure and I am delighted that she's out and has lots of lovely friends.
I'll increase to £50 plus keep buying the big things (costs, shoes, uniform, multiple sports kits and trainers, toiletries). I also
really like the idea of a holiday allowance paid every two weeks. That's really clever- accounting for the fact that she will go out more but forcing her to budget a bit!

However i will be firm. Once it's gone, it's gone.

Where I live in Sweden it is the norm that parents give their children their child allowance (just over £100 per month) when they start lower secondary school age 13 as a good opportunity to learn budgeting before Uni. Usually the kids take over responsibility for clothing, entertainment, "extra" toiletries and make-up etc. From 16 child allowance is paid direct to the child as a study allowance unless SN.

I remember my neighbour joking that her "brand mad" son had soon changed his tune when he had to budget for himself - out went the Calvin Klein and Björn Borg undies and in came 10-packs from discount stores!

hI OP I would give her the money weekly as if she spends the £50 in week one you know you will have to give her more. Start her off budget £15 per week tell her when that is spent no more for that week.
I give my 2 dd's £10 per week for lunch but if they meeting friends they get more.
Thankfully my dd1 had a part time summer job so was able to fund herself most of the time.
I would tell her on the odd occasion meet her friends after they have eaten so you don't have to give her food money every day.

I feel your pain - my DD is also in a private school with friends with a seemingly endless flow of cash. She's 16, and gets £20 a month each from me and her dad which I'm aware isn't a lot. However I do give her money from time to time on top of this if she's going into town for lunch etc. I also buy all of her clothes and toiletries, and pay for school lunches separately. She's recently got money from relatives for passing GCSE's and spends it as soon as she gets it on beauty treatments, make-up etc. I've now put my foot down and told her there will be no more money from me and she needs to get a part time job.

Some of these figures is more than working adults have. I work full time, and have a disposable income of £100/month to include clothes, entertainment and food out. I couldn't imagine giving these figures to a child.

@Guilty@tired London based here too, yes it does become expensive. But don’t worry another only couple of years and it’s cheap alcohol in Hyde Park!