DD allowance dilemma

[Guiltyandtired]

Dd is 13, nearly 14, going into year 9. She's at an independent school in London. This summer it's become very clear that a lot of her friends have a lot of disposable income and I'm wondering how to manage it.
Previously I have been buying all her school lunches, toiletries and "main" clothing- uniform, coats, shoes, sports kit, plus enough everyday clothing to cover weekends and evenings. She then got £30 a month to spend on going out and tat from the shops. This worked well for a year.

However, this summer she's been out meeting friends every day. They always have lunch out (£5-10) plus there have been lots of trips shopping to Westfield, cinema, ice skating etc which we have funded. None of her friends are strapped for cash and I don't want her to be sitting home when everyone is out so we've just stumped up- Ive looked on her account just now and we've given her about £300 in spends in 6 weeks.

Now this is all very new to me and DH as we're not from this background at all. I know I need to teach her to budget but how, when none of her friends seem to have to? It's compounded by the fact that we can afford this and she knows it, so we'd just be saying she can't see her friends to make a point I'm not even sure about?

I was thinking of increasing her allowance to £50 per month and absolutely not giving her any more. This needs to cover out of school lunches and fun shopping. Before I get an absolute pasting, please be assured I am aware that we are in a very fortunate position. However we made the choice for this school, which led to her friends, which has led to this. I feel uncomfortable imposing values from my northern impoverished upbringing on my richer London child. DH and I have made decisions have landed us here so I'm interested in what people in similar circumstances do.

I've been around for 12 years- just name changed for this as I don't want it linked to previous posting history.

Blimey most adults can't afford lunches out every day so why should a child expect to be able to? Especially when they're not pulling their weight at all at home! I would keep her allowance at what it is, but give her the opportunity to earn more by doing extra chores. If she wants money for lunch out she can wash the car or run the hoover round can't she?

I'm in favour of a bigger allowance but no additional spends - if you can afford it, obviously.

My 12yo gets £40 per month. I'm aware that this is very much at the top end of what tends to be given. However, this is for all discretionary spends - presents for friends, extra clothes beyond the minimum needed, bus fares to town, (she walks to school), food out etc. Her friends with a smaller allowance usually get given an extra £20 if they're going to the cinema/bowling/whatever, which IMO negates all the learning opportunities of having an allowance.

We don't link allowance to chores, as this implies that doing chores are optional if you chose to forgo your allowance. Chores are non-negotiable, whether you are willing to sacrifice your allowance or not.

I also agree with the poster who notes that once they're spending their own cash a lot of the desire for expensive brands disappears.

Not tied to chores here but I do deduct money for lateness caused as a result of getting up late or arriving late home. I am reasonable about it within reason.

My daughter has a job interview to waitress in our local pub tomorrow - will save me a small fortune if she gets it!

Good luck to her Chocolate, my 16 yo DD ( well me really) is considering getting a part time job and I had thought pubs would be ruled out for under18s, but I guess if they are not serving alcohol they can be 16...?

Yep she would just be waitressing and serving food only. All alcohol is bought at the bar. I think they have restrictions on the number of under 18's they're allowed to employ.

Thanks Chocolate x

My DDs get school stuff and phone but after that it’s up to them beyond the basics. Both have jobs and have done since 13.

Which has meant they’ve done loads of things that they’ve chosen and want to do and they understand how hard it is to earn the money. They both earn over £200 a month.

You are wise to adjust for time and place.
Year 9 my DCs got £36/mo in pocket money. I still paid around £50/mo to school for school lunches. I also covered all clothing, basic toiletries, uniform, P.E., school supplies/books/trips. If they were invited to a party, we’d chip in £10 towards the present.
We did not link chores to pocket money because it gives them the option to skip chores and then fight with you about how much is fair to deduct. Nope. Chores are non-negotiable and in real life are unpaid work anyway.
When they got older, I didn’t increase monthly amount for them to buy their clothes but each season I would give them a lump sum clothing allowance based on looking at what they had and totting up which things actually need to be replaced. They can keep whatever they save...which has made my kids love scoring finds in charity shops.
Once they had jobs, I did not reduce their pocket money but kept it going. I find that otherwise it completely kills the incentive to have a part time job if you penalise them by cutting their allowance.

DD2 (13) gets 45€ as she could have DD1´s stuff she grows out of. She refuses so that's her choice. Pretty much same deal otherwise.

It sounds as though you’ve thought this budgeting business through, Wallywobbles, but it seems grossly unfair to consign DD2 to the same items, styles, colours, and clothing taste as her older sister and not give her the opportunity to experiment and/or budget for herself.

Some of these figures is more than working adults have. I work full time, and have a disposable income of £100/month to include clothes, entertainment and food out. I couldn't imagine giving these figures to a child.

I understand your point, OneRing but the figures look different when viewed as a percentage of income, which in this case is probably fairly high.

OP I see you’ve made a decision, and good luck, but unless you plan to operate the Bank of Mum and Dad in perpetuity, something needs to change so your daughter can go into the world with a sense of how to earn and manage her own finances. Upping her pocket money just because her friends get more and/or she won’t be able to socialise or consume goods like she wants to doesn’t seem the best driver for an increase.

I say this as someone with a fair few quid to throw around, so I know how easy it is to want to give our children everything we can, especially if we didn’t have it ourselves.

Don't understand why you wouldn't reduce or remove pocket money when they have jobs. Defeats the whole object of them earning their own money and budgeting accordingly. No one gave me pocket money after I started working.

Oh. More posts. 😃
To those who are pushing that it's a lot of money for a child, please rest assured that I'm fully cognisant of this, hence my distaste for the whole thing.

DD would struggle with a job. She does two sports very well and trains or plays 3 evenings a week. Then school has Sat matches and her club do Sunday training. On top of this there's a lot of homework. She obv has a busy social life as well but I'm relatively supportive of this as it's great for her to be able to unwind.

Having said that she will have to sort her laundry, keep her room tidy and do the dishwasher.

Anyway atm its all a moot point as she behaved very badly over the weekend and so has no phone and no need for an allowance as she's grounded! (Prob the subject of another thread....!)

@chocolatesaltyballs22
As I said, I chose not to penalise my kids for getting jobs by reducing their pocket money. I am happy to expand on my thoughts...

The pocket money I gave them was not a huge amount but enough to cover daily living expenses and a bit to save for annual goals. To me, pocket money is about teaching them money management by giving them control over what you would spend anyway as a parent.

I feel it is a dis-incentive to cut their pocket money by whatever they earn. Why have a PT job, if you can get the same money or almost by doing no PT job?

I also think being a student is their #1 job and did not want them to feel forced to keep a job if they find themselves over-stretched and their studies suffering.

Having a base income of pocket money and then wages allows them a few years to learn long term saving before they completely leave home and are independent. For example, one had £2k saved by their 18th birthday and opened a Lifetime ISA which is a government assisted way to save for home purchase and old age pension. That extra money gives them the opportunity to learn about things like ISAs, pensions, investing, and so on.

TBF my DD will be earning more than 3 times what she currently gets in pocket money, my thinking is that I want her to learn the value of it when she's earnt it herself. But each to their own!

The issue is that she’s at private school and mixing with more wealthy kids. It’s not fair to lay down the law and keep her on a princely sum just to teach her a lesson. In a state school, £50 a month might get you two nights out but in a private school the expectations are higher. It’s not her fault that this is the friendship group she has - she has few other choices for friends.
If you can afford it l, you’ve got think about what £50 really gets you in London.. it’s hard to socialise on £50 a month.
But I agree that she should have a set list of chores which have to be done.

Oooo OP. What did she do?

(I'm nosy!)

I should add that they can't choose not to do their chores; that's part of being by a family and pulling together, and they need to learn these things so they can live alone one day.

They also have to keep their room tidy and keep their bathroom clean. If they're late doing their chores or if I have to keep reminding them, then they do lose a percentage of their 'going out' money, as no employer would put up with someone not doing what they're meant to.

It is teaching them to be more careful with their money, and there's no extra money or subs from me. If they mismanage their money and run out, then it's tough luck.

I’m not at this stage yet but, I really like the comments saying chores are not an option. I’m going to do it this way too now, chores need to be done, I don’t get paid for keeping the house clean etc so why should they? I wouldn’t expect much but their room done, cooking and washing laundry seem fine. I like the idea of giving an amount each month and they can buy any extras or specifics they want rather than need and gifts for friends, I wasn’t taught budgeting so I want to give that to my girls. I think £100 a month sounds good but will see how expensive they get as they age first lol

DD2 (13) gets 45€ as she could have DD1´s stuff she grows out of. She refuses so that's her choice. Pretty much same deal otherwise.

I don’t agree with this. You are basically telling one child that their opinion matters and are worth more than the other. I’m fine with keeping things for the younger one and have done this myself but bloody hell, if they are at an age where they have their own taste it seems cruel to do this.

My kids are older now and good budgeters. I would suggest £50 a month given monthly (and no possibility of more) but I would give more fortnightly in holidays. And I would expect proper chores done in holidays too, mine didn't do much in term as they also had lots of extra curricular stuff and I wanted them to focus on their studies. Mine did go to independent school but they didn't hang out with the kids who were always spending money. I couldn't really say why.

Also - do remember that those kids with the money always have money for drugs too and do buy them, too...

For anyone who is interested, my DD got the waitressing job yesterday! She's so chuffed, as am I! No more forking out for her beauty treatments!!

We pay for all activities for child including £150 cricket training as he is good and at county level, swimming fees as he swims for town, aquathlon entry fees, ice skating, and cinema. We pay for all toiletries, clothing and sports kit and equipment but he chooses them. We pay for any books he wants as he reads a lot and phone card. We pay for gifts he wants to give and cards as he puts them into shopping. He has £10 pocket money each week on Saturdays just to spend on sweets or save. He often buys his friend who does not get pocket money a milk shake, ice cream or sweets. He does do a few chores like recycling every day, tidying up all shoes in hall, walking dogs most days after school which he likes doing anyway. He is supposed to keep his bedroom tidy....... As he gets older we will gradually up his pocket money but get him to buy his own cards and gifts.