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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 year old wanting to go on holiday for girlfriend

32 replies

Jof21 · 22/08/2019 14:12

He's just turned 15, girlfriend is nearly 16. Holiday arranged via his dad (my ex) and her parents despite the fact he lives with me. School grades are atrocious, no effort and a load of attitude which means there's not a lot to reward with a holiday. Literally just been furnished with the details that his dad signed off the week from start of Yr11 as ok - 'he'll pay the fine if there is one, just tell them he's ill!' plus the second blow that son will be sharing a bedroom with the girlfriend - her parents don't see an issue with it. So my conundrum, does he go, or do I play wicked parent and withold his passport?? My gut says the latter as I don't know these people. Thoughts please

OP posts:
LochJessMonster · 22/08/2019 14:17

Withhold. He can't miss the 1st week of school.
Her parents should have checked with you as the main caregiver.
I'd compromise and say he can go out of school time when he has earned his right with good behaviour (which will hopefully give you time to get to know them)

Prepare for a massive backlash from him though!

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 22/08/2019 14:21

No way would my 15 year old be sharing a room on holiday with his girlfriend. Add the bad grades to that and he'd have a snowballs chance in hell!

AmIThough · 22/08/2019 14:25

Is the holiday just the two of them?

Windydaysuponus · 22/08/2019 14:30

Maybe remind the dp's your ds is under age...
And you are far too young to be a dgm anyway...
Keep the passport.
He will thank you eventually...

Drum2018 · 22/08/2019 14:38

Not a chance I'd let Ds go, especially as you don't even know them. You should have been consulted given Ds lives with you, but chances are he gave ex details knowing he'd agree. Contact the parents and put a stop to it now. Ds clearly doesn't deserve a holiday and certainly not one where underage sex appears to be encouraged.

Kit30 · 22/08/2019 14:56

Withhold without a doubt. Horrendous for you. I'd also be suggesting speaking to your family lawyer and having a record on file of what's happened and why you object and are keeping his passport. Just a thought, Would gf be committing an offence if they had sex while abroad given his age?

Spingtrolls · 22/08/2019 15:03

Text/email him to say that you do not consent to him going for underage sex with his girlfriend. And that you are getting an injunction to stop it.

And get legal advice to block this holiday.

Contact her parents and let them know he's not going, and that you don't agree with them having underage sex. Her parents might not be aware of the sleeping arrangements.

Cannot see many agreeing with sex aside from feckless parents.

Lipz · 22/08/2019 15:04

Not a chance. I'd be disgusted if my child as young as him was encouraged to share bedroom with gf.

Original poster
Jof21 · 22/08/2019 15:07

Thanks all, I'm feeling much more confident my initial decision was the right one. Can't believe I felt so pressured by the other so-called 'adults' in this issue

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 22/08/2019 15:10

how do you know that theyre not already having sex?

Original poster
Jof21 · 22/08/2019 15:27

They may will be already - we've had the chat about the legal implications alongside the health issues. I can't stop that from happening, but I can make it clear that I don't condone it

OP posts:
Fairylea · 22/08/2019 15:35

There is no way in hell my 15/16 year old child would be going on holiday with their boyfriend / girlfriend. No way. Much too young. It’s not even so much about the sex to be honest as they’ll probably do that regardless but it makes it a much more intense, serious adult relationship which I don’t think they’re emotionally really for at that age. So no.

I’ve got a 16 year old dd and we have a lot of these sorts of issues. Our main one is her wanting sleepovers at boys houses - ie her and her best friend staying over at a boys house with some of his mates. The other girls parents have no issue with this but I just think it makes things more difficult long term - if I say yes what about when she gets a boyfriend? How can I say no then? So I just say no.

I think we always want to try and please our teens but actually sometimes it’s okay to say no!

stucknoue · 22/08/2019 15:39

I'm not overly happy with my dd (age 18) going with her 19 year old boyfriend but I'm realistic, they head to university TOGETHER two weeks later so no point in me objecting obviously! No way would mine be missing school for a holiday, they missed 3 days ever in their school careers, once to sing in Westminster abbey and 2 days for a wedding overseas.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 22/08/2019 15:50

This is madness. What was your ex thinking by saying this was ok? There are so many things wrong with it. You are definitely right to say no to this happening. Not wicked at all, it's just being a decent parent.

Starlight456 · 22/08/2019 16:08

I would also say no.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/08/2019 16:17

no no I appreciate that and I don't think i'd be happy with this particularly either, however I am just not sure it will actually stop them!

carly2803 · 22/08/2019 22:01

absolutely bloody not.

your ex is a tit for even thinking this is ok!!!

block the holiday!

SockMachine · 22/08/2019 22:23

You must do what you feel comfortable with but:
Just because they share a room does not mean they have sex. I went on caravan holidays with my best friend and her older brother, my boyfriend, no parents present, and we did not have sex. Well, not sexual intercourse.
There is no legal issue. They are within a year age of each other and she is very close to 16.
www.fpa.org.uk/factsheets/law-on-sex “It is an offence for anyone to have any sexual activity with a person under the age of 16. However, Home Office guidance [1] is clear that there is no intention to prosecute teenagers under the age of 16 where both mutually agree and where they are of a similar age.”

Do you know the girlfriend? Is she mature and sensible? Would you agree to the holiday if it was separate sleeping arrangements?can you talk to the parents about this? Maybe there is a sofa bed or different alternative.

Sometimes a girlfriend is a good influence on working hard st school, if she has ambition.

But I wouldn’t want him to miss a week of school, not in GCSE years.

Kit30 · 23/08/2019 14:59

Are you a lawyer SockMachine? it's just that reading the link you provided my understanding is that if 16 year olds have consensual intercourse/sexual activity then a prosecution is not warranted but if one of the participants is under 16 (OP DS) and one 16 to 18 ( girlfriend) then regardless of consent the older party is open to prosecution, subject to mitigating circumstances - like being near to each other in age, - which MIGHT mean they aren't prosecuted but doesn't negate the primary offence. So in this case older girlfriend would be committing an offence and it would be up to prosecuting authority to decide on whether they could use the discretion not to prosecute. Nearness of age isn't a get out of jail free card here, or is it?.
Happy for you ( or anyone else) to put me right.

Kit30 · 23/08/2019 15:05

Apologies, I was assuming that GF was 16 rather than nearly 16. Same issues arise if GF is 16 at the time of the holiday, surely?

helpmum2003 · 23/08/2019 15:08

No to the holiday totally agree.

Regarding 15 and 16yo having sex if they both consented and they both had capacity to consent there would be no prosecution.

However, that doesn't mean you facilitate it for them!

Arewedone · 23/08/2019 19:18

No to the prosecution element article in human rights law protects rights to sex. Would only be enforceable under coercion or under 13
On the grounds of missing school personally it’s a no. IME the sexual element you will not be able to control.

Arewedone · 23/08/2019 19:32

My experience is Dd was almost 16 when her BF ( almost 17) of 6 months joined us on holiday. They had already had sex, they had planned it as part of his GCSE celebration Blush
There wasn’t anything that I could have done to prevent this. Both are incredibly intelligent, academically top performing but they felt ready for a physical relationship. 2 years on and they are still together. Dd has just aced her GCSEs and her BF is headed to Oxbridge. I don’t think there is a magical number that determines sexuality.

Pipandmum · 23/08/2019 19:39

Are they going away with her parents or in their own? My son went away with his girlfriend (both 15) and her dad this summer but it was clearly separate sleeping accommodation. I’m pretty sure they have done the deed but they sure weren’t going to do it with her dad there!
It was summer break though. I certainly wouldn’t let child take time out of school.

qazxc · 23/08/2019 21:05

Is it just them on their own or with her family?
In any case , he can't go he has school and they shouldn't have made plans without involving both parents ( and especially you if you are the main caregiver)