Still mothering my teenagers as if they're toddlers - please tell me when they take responsibility for themselves!

[stirling]

I'm absolutely exhausted. Single mum, chronic health issues which leave me horrendously sleep deprived.

Ds 14 and dd 12 are still not taking any responsibility for what I think are the bare basics. It seems they've learnt to dress themselves and that's it. I've parented and parented and taught them till I'm blue in the face but so far they still need daily reminders for the following else they won't be done at all :

Brush teeth.
Drink water or any fluid. Seems both happy to spend the day eating dry solids.
Dd - empty your bladder when you wake up, brush your teeth.
Ds who has eczema all his life, put cream on.
Dd who has severe skin burns since baby burns to put suncream on before going to school.

Am I asking for too much? I'm sick to death of asking them throughout the day everyday to do the above.

Dd now has several black spots on her adult teerh as a result of ongoing negligence.

I've tried sticking signs in the bathroom, in their room etc.

They're both academically very bright but otherwise just slobs. They'll begrudgingly help me with washing the dishes if I ask. Or cooking.

I'm at my wits end. Can't really do anymore. I'm just so angry with them. When will they snap out of toddler mode?
Thank you

Screens be gone! I find screens are a time suck that orevent basic thinking. All electornics, tv included, would disappear for a few weeks until they get a grip.

Stop doing the thinking for them! between toddler and teenage years, you should have gradually allowed them to transition to thinking for themselves. But instead at the first sign they aren't doing it, you've stepped in.

make appointments at doctors and dentists regularly let them deal with the consequences, but tell them off for letting it get bad that dr & dentists are not happy.

Sit down and tell them you all need to take responsibility for the house, cooking and cleaning up. Set up job lists between you.

Have conveniences for not doing the jobs. grounding, ban on screen time, No pocket money ect..

if one of them fails to put a load of washing on, then you all wear dirty clothes(although probably wash your own, why should you suffer)

if the washing up isn't done, then they won't have clean plates.

if one doesn't cook, then you don't have dinner.

do they have pack lunches? then they make them themselves, if they don't then they go hungry.

You've left it late to do this, so you all have steep hill to climb. But you could start with a few things and bulid up to rhe rest.

Definitely start with personal responsibility. stop nagging. let them get smelly and dirty. Do point out to them that they do stink though and their breath could kill a dragon.

*conveniences. consequences

Marking my place as I'm worried we're going down that route. Mine aren't quite that old but still need endless reminders, just reminded my 12yr old to have a drink. Lone parent and also exhausted.
Mine do know how to do it all though. On the very rare occasion I'm ill they step up .

Some of it is you not letting go.

You do not need to tell them to go to the loo !! This tells me you can't get out the habit of mothering them.

Many teens don't wash etc. There needs to be consequences or routines set up. You get your electronic stuff once you are dressed and washed and creamed up. It's not a threat it's a routine.

Read the book. Get out my life but first take me and Alex into town first. It'll make all what they do make sense and help you.

you treat them as toddlers they behave like little children.

Im in a group of women who allnhave chkldren the age
Age. The are currently 11. Someone asked recently what chores they do, what are the children responsible for. A number of the women do absolutely everything for their children. They are totally babied. Those children do
Nothing for themselves. Unsuprisingly, they are also some of the same
Women who complain their husbands do nothing around the home as well! One even said she felt it was her job as a mother to do everything for her children. One is in high school! I said theyre creating the future shit husbands and are going to be the mother in laws we all criticise.

Why are you reminding them to drink?

let them learn about their own bodies.
So they don't drink enough, and get a headache, you just point out it's because they didn't enough.

I don’t understand about reminding them to drink or to go to the loo.

What happens if you dont tell dd to go to the loo?

Make a list of everything they need to do (not use the loo or eat please) wash up get dressed clean teeth put cream on etc. Once list is complete they get their screens l.

Toilet and feeding drinkinh should be automatic at this age so back off on those ones.

sit them down and tell them what you expect from them.

• keeping their room tidy
• keeping on top of their school stuff
• lunch box duty
• laundry basket
• chores (my dc take out the bins, set table/clear table, clean the hallway, cook for the family once a month)
• restrict screen time to one hour during school week, 2 on weekends/holidays

agree - eating/drinking/toilet shouldn't need reminders.

Make a list - read it to them - pin it up!

Thank you so much everyone for the brilliant advice.
Really get that I've left it late and have a steep hill to climb.

I keep reminding them because I'm so unwell myself that I can't bear to deal with them being ill. So I've set myself up for this in a sense.

The straw broke today because we're on a holiday that I spent two years saving up for, and they've both been in bed from day 2 with a raging fever for the past four days. I had stopped constantly reminding them about drinking water etc and took a back seat and the result is that they binged on sugary stuff non stop and didn't drink. So whatever virus was doing the rounds they got it and instead of relaxing and trying to get better I ended up nursing them both, 4 sleepless nights with their temperature pushing 40.

Reading that last paragraph I realise what an idiotic mum I've become. Talk about bringing it on yourself. Argh.

I used to be laid back. When my daughter had a severe burns accident caused by my useless ex, I became hyper vigilant hyper everything.

The nurse just came to see me in my room. Said I need antidepressants because she can see I'm not coping with everything...

aw op you are doing what you can.
single parenting is hard.

you have identified an issue and got lots of ideas to get out of your rut.

good luck!

I agree with others, OP, why are you reminding them about basic stuff like drinking or going to the loo? This is not a criticism, because we all know how easy it is to get stuff wrong as a parent, but this does suggest to me that you're a part of the problem here.

It wouldn't occur to me now to remind my 14yo about basic self care. She also has eczema and manages it herself effectively. She is responsible for all of her school stuff. She also does her own laundry, changes her sheets, cleans her room etc. She will help around the rest of the house if asked, but we don't ask often tbh.

I think you need to take a step back and let them take responsibility for themselves. If they're intelligent, they should be able to understand the consequences of not doing stuff, and they should be able to see that they will be the ones who have to live with those consequences - not you.

Brush teeth.
Drink water or any fluid. Seems both happy to spend the day eating dry solids.
Dd - empty your bladder when you wake up, brush your teeth.
Ds who has eczema all his life, put cream on.
Dd who has severe skin burns since baby burns to put suncream on before going to school.

This is really strange and quite worrying - this is all very basic self care. The toilet thing is is just bizarre and honestly makes me think a lot of this is just down to you thinking you need to baby them - why do you tell them to empty their bladders, do you honestly think they’ll wet themselves or something? Stop reminding them of all of the above - they’re old enough to learn lessons from not doing the above. If they get sun burn, get dehydrated, someone tells them their breath stinks I’m sure they’ll click on. You say they’re bright, but I would expect a teen unable to do all the above and much more for themselves to have quite serious special needs - that or they’ve been ridiculous babied by a parent all their life.

Thank you :)
I will have a talk with them both along the lines of consequences and independence. And once we're back in the UK I'll have to sit back.

My eldest is 11, he needs constant reminders to do everything. I doubt he'd brush his teeth without me telling him to every morning and evening.

4 nights with 40 degree fevers? Isn’t that hospital level?

please tell me when they will take responsibility for themselves

When you make them.

Sorry OP, I hadn't seen your second post when I posted mine. I can see how your dd's burns may have made you hyper-vigilant about everything. I think it's a natural reaction, but now you need to take a step back. You might need to get some counselling or something to help you with this - it isn't easy to break established patterns.

I'm sorry that your dc were so ill on holiday, that's really rubbish. However, I would suggest that they didn't get ill because they failed to drink enough/ate sugary crap. Of course, with a high fever, it's essential to keep drinking (and that's the one time when I would nag my dd to drink) but that isn't what made them ill in the first place, and they didn't get ill because you took a step back from the constant monitoring.

OP, I’m not surprised that you’re exhausted. I was a widowed single parent from when my DDs were babies, and there’s no way I could have lived with such useless dependent offspring and still done my job!
Usually, being a lone parent means that your DC become much more independent and resourceful, out of necessity. You have to make sure they pull their weight with chores etc, or it all falls on you and will exhaust you (as you seem to be finding).
Mine went to the village shop alone at 4 years old, managed home alone for a couple of hours after school each day, could competently cook a meal by 11, and did a fair share of housework.
I think you’ve become emotionally over invested, probably after your DC’s burn, and you equate being a good caring mum with wrapping them in cotton wool, keeping them safe, and doing everything for them.
You can see this is less and less appropriate as they age, but you haven’t adapted gradually- so now you face the need to make big changes all at once, to adjust to their expected teen abilities from the toddler ones you’re working to.
Why not sit them down and have a family conference?
Admit to them that you’ve been babying them (albeit from loving motives), say that you understand it must really irritate them to be told when to go to the loo etc.
Say that you want to treat them as young adults, that you’re prepared to be more respectful of their boundaries, but in return, they need to take on the responsibilities appropriate to their age.
Make a list of chores and life skills that they need to do or learn, and get them to help divide them up fairly.
Then, once you’ve shown them how to use the washing machine or whatever, stand back. Do not bail them out for failures! Failures have consequences- no clean clothes for school or a night out, dirty plates to eat their dinner off, whatever. They’ll soon learn.
You will find the adjustment period stressful and upsetting, but if you don’t tackle it now, you will be sending toddlers off to university in a few years’ time. And their tutor will most definitely not tell them when they need the loo!
Good luck, OP. Once your DC are civilised, your life will improve greatly. Go for it.

Babdoc your post made me really felt understood and just had a good cry. Could hug you for the constructive advice, it just seems doable and good to have some steps to follow.
Not to negate everyone else's advice, really appreciate the support here.

Thank you all

They didn't get high fever virus b/c they drank sugary junk. It doesn't work like that. May I ask, how did they get the money to buy sugary drinks? Mine keep buying sweets, so I'm not perfect parent, but point is, someone bought the drinks. You may be able to control the money supply.

I think I'd still nag about suncream, eczema cream. I do stand over mine to make them brush teeth & feel zero guilt on it, too.

Not the drinking fluids, though, i recommend you drop that nag; they can endure constipation if they want (!) Ditto loo visits. They can smell if they resist washing although I bluntly tell mine if they do stink.

You’re not blaming yourself for them being ill, are you?