Still mothering my teenagers as if they're toddlers - please tell me when they take responsibility for themselves!

[stirling]

I'm absolutely exhausted. Single mum, chronic health issues which leave me horrendously sleep deprived.

Ds 14 and dd 12 are still not taking any responsibility for what I think are the bare basics. It seems they've learnt to dress themselves and that's it. I've parented and parented and taught them till I'm blue in the face but so far they still need daily reminders for the following else they won't be done at all :

Brush teeth.
Drink water or any fluid. Seems both happy to spend the day eating dry solids.
Dd - empty your bladder when you wake up, brush your teeth.
Ds who has eczema all his life, put cream on.
Dd who has severe skin burns since baby burns to put suncream on before going to school.

Am I asking for too much? I'm sick to death of asking them throughout the day everyday to do the above.

Dd now has several black spots on her adult teerh as a result of ongoing negligence.

I've tried sticking signs in the bathroom, in their room etc.

They're both academically very bright but otherwise just slobs. They'll begrudgingly help me with washing the dishes if I ask. Or cooking.

I'm at my wits end. Can't really do anymore. I'm just so angry with them. When will they snap out of toddler mode?
Thank you

OP, both of mine are the same at the same age.
I am also a single parent with chronic health issues and disability.
I am beyond exhausted.
BUT... both have ASD diagnoses.
However, they will have to manage without me at some point so I keep on keeping on.
Brush your teeth. Drink water. Eat! Get OFF that screen. Go outside.
And repeat.
It's easy to feel it is all your fault, especially as a single parent / your child was ill when young / your own health is compromised.
So, when they whine 'its not fair' (as teens do...) I think: 'no, it's not' in my head (about my own situation) and tend to do it myself as its easier (dinner etc, not self care)
But that doesn't do me or them any favours.
Our job is to make them independent. We WILL get there! :)

OP, I feel your pain! I have daily conversations/nags with DD13 about her extreme laziness. I too am a single parent with chronic health issues. I tell DD she is plenty old enough to contribute to the running of our home but she won't even do the dishes, despite repeated requests. I end up doing it every time otherwise there is no clean stuff to cook with or eat off. She leaves her mugs and plates in the lounge, occasionally removing them if I stand over her repeatedly telling her to. I can't give her the incentive of pocket money as I can't afford it right now although I buy her what she needs, obviously. She spends every spare minute online or streaming TV shows. I actually made her put a pizza in the oven, time it, take it out and put it on plates for us today as I'm so sick of her being so incapable. It was painful to watch ('Do I leave it on the cardboard?' before putting in the oven) but she did it. We had an awful time of her refusing to wash, brush her hair last year (my controlling mother used to insist on doing it for her when she lived with us) and I had to tell her she stank. I caught headlice for the first time in my life because she kept getting them through not washing or brushing her hair. Fortunately, at least she now washes and grooms herself unprompted. I worry I only have a few years left to train her to be a capable adult. She refused to walk to the supermarket (5 mins away) today to buy the Poptarts she wanted because she 'didn't know the way'. We have walked there together several times. I told her I will give her clear directions and she must go tomorrow. It's an uphill struggle but we are making slow progress and it's definitely worth it. Exhausting though, especially with health problems too. You have my sympathy!

It would seem that this post is all about who has the worst teens! Parents, your child is the product of its upbringing!!! If they sit on their backsides all day and refuse to do anything for anyone else, it's because they have been allowed to do so. It's no use when they get in their teens to suddenly expect them to behave differently. It starts from very early on in life. Toddlers helping to put their toys away. Bringing their cup into the kitchen. Standing on a chair at the sink and helping to 'wash up'. Etc etc etc.
So many of you complaining that they won't cook, do any shopping, do any house work because they're too engrossed in their devices. But who gave them those devices? Who pays for the wifi? Who set up the internet passwords? Certainly not the teens. You need to stop whinging about how awful your child is and take back control, otherwise you will have created an entitled, lazy, selfish adult who will be a shit partner and end up moaning about having to visit you once a week when you're old and infirm.

We have a blackboard in the kitchen where we write DS(16) jobs for the day. Fortunately, he’s ok with showers, drinks etc. OP, I think you’ve had some good advice from PP. basically, don’t get mad, get even. Show them who’s boss and show them what your expectations are.

My 12 and 13 year old also need daily reminders of brushing every morning and evening, to drink water (they come home from school claiming they haven't had a drink since breakfast) to wash hair in the shower and dd to put eczema cream on. Each time we get it cleared up she gets lazy and stops bothering and it comes back again and needs steroid cream again! It fucks me off tbh!

However, they're good around the house, one washes up and the other dries up and wipes the sides everyday. One sorts the recycling and the other the clean washing, and they take turns vacuuming and polishing 🙌

My 7 and 9 year old have both taken the lead making dinners this week. Obviously with me there too.