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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16th birthday disagreement...

27 replies

flowerlady2 · 06/08/2019 23:59

Our daughter wants to have friends over to celebrate her 16th next week and says she doesn’t want us in the house. We’ve said no. Instead we’ve offered her full run of the garden for a hang out/ music/food/ soft drink late in to the night without us disturbing them but still being in the house...she doesn’t want this and would rather go off to a nearby field for the same kind of gathering til the early hours, again we’ve said no to this. It doesn’t help that her friend has done just this last night, even though we were told this would be a house party..didn’t realise until I picked her up at gone 11 and she wasn’t where she said she would be. I discussed this calmly with her last night explaining that I needed her to be honest about her whereabouts etc. In fact she told me last night ‘you didn’t want me in the house at your 40th, (she was 9 and stayed until early evening before going to a friends for a sleep over) so I don’t want you at my 16th’. I know teens kick off and are meant to grow away from you but I feel immensely hurt by her behaviour and rudeness. Jeez - any advice? AIBU/ over protective?? Am I that out of touch?

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 07/08/2019 00:06

Out of touch? With what? You leave her on her own with her mates there will be a lot of people, alcohol and noise. My son wanted a party here, which then got reduced to a few mates... but after telling four of his mates last time they came over no drinking and smoking only to find two of them getting sick in the bathroom and his room reeking I said he’d blown it.
I don’t know many parents who would allow their teenager a party without being present.

BackforGood · 07/08/2019 00:07

No, you aren't out of touch, and I would have the same rules as you.

Don't feel hurt though - it is natural for them to test boundaries at this age and pretty normal to feel everyone in the world is stopping them doing what they want to and that "life isn't fair". Don't take it personally.

Linseedlill · 07/08/2019 00:22

YANBU. You've offered her a party in the garden which is generous of you. If she chooses not to take up that offer then that's her decision. I wouldn't allow unsupervised drinking in a field at sixteen either.

Ignore the backchat about your 40th and keep focusing the conversation back on to unsupervised drinking being a bad idea, you are concerned for her safety and that of her friends, you want her to have fun but you want her to be safe etc etc.

Original poster

flowerlady2 · 07/08/2019 00:36

Thank you for your posts. I needed a sanity check. And good advice about ignoring the back chat and trying not to take it all personally..That teenage projection can be pretty powerful stuff...I’m looking forward to packing her off to NCS for a bit tbh! 🙊

OP posts:

Linseedlill · 07/08/2019 00:38

I hear you op. They know it all at that age.

Ohyesiam · 07/08/2019 00:48

You are not out of touch, she is just pushing for what she wants. Which doesn’t make it reasonable.
Do t take what she says personally, and stick to your decisions, they are good ones.
Even
Lovely terms can turn into bile creatures when alcohol is in the mix. Nobody sane would allow an unsupervised house party for teens.

Skittlenommer · 07/08/2019 01:00

Tell her if she carries on she’ll get nothing and you’ll slap on a grounding for good measure.

My parents let me have a 16th birthday party without supervision. It was gatecrashed and the house was destroyed. It got out of my control very quickly.

Firefliess · 07/08/2019 06:27

My DD is also 16 next week. She doesn't want an alcoholic free party as it's not cool and hard to enforce. We've said no to a party with alcohol as they're too young and it could get out of hand. So she is not having a party for her birthday. She's accepting of this thankfully. She's considering a trip to a water park or meal out, which I've offered too pay for instead.

Don't take it personally that she doesn't want you there - 16 year olds need to pretend they don't have parents in order to practice being in the world as grown ups. Plus her friends no doubt want you bring alcohol which you not unreasonably don't want.

Limpshade · 07/08/2019 06:37

She is getting a good deal by still having a party having lied about her whereabouts at the previous one!

Sixteen is a tricky age - she feels grown up but she isn't quite!

I think you can ignore the comparison about your 40th... unless she is also contributing towards the mortgage and bills...?!

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/08/2019 06:45

Would I shite go out for the night and leave a load of teenagers free run of my house!

Especially not with alcohol.

DSD just turned 16, if she'd taken that attitude with us she wouldn't have got what she wanted! As it happens she only wanted money towards new clothes, which we happily gave, but if she'd wanted a party I'd have said the same as you OP, no bending.

Does she really expect you to vacate the house so they can all pretend to be grown ups and have a house party?

The time for house parties, done as you want them, is when you have your own home.

Not when a teenager stamps their foot!

Her response to your sounds very spoiled (I'm not calling her spoiled, I'm saying her attitude sounds spoiled in that context) and I'm not sure how inclined I'd be to be generous in that situation.

ChikiTIKI · 07/08/2019 06:52

Don't let them trash your house. It's not worth it. You have put up a good and kind offer. Her choice if she wants to decline.

SouthWestmom · 07/08/2019 06:53

Having now been through it twice with teens and two more to go, I think having a no alcohol party is tricky for some of them.
Is it that you've said soft drinks only and she wants you out the way so they can bring vodka? If you agreed a small amount would that change things?

I do remember how deeply embarrassed I was by my parents at 16. - have you promised to stay upstairs with a takeaway?

Original poster

flowerlady2 · 07/08/2019 07:26

Thanks for your posts, We’re sticking to no with this one, she can have the run of the garden with no disturbances or she can go without. I honestly don’t think it’s the soft drink that’s the problem - it may be for some of her friends, For our daughter it’s just that she wants us out of the way for the night which isn’t happening. She’s being tricky this summer - we’ve had an easy run so far I think, but I’ve had to pull her up for selfishness and rudeness and it been a battle to get her to do anything with the family. One poster sugggested her reactions sounds spoilt in this instance and I would agree, although I also agree that she hasn’t been spoilt in her upbringing. I’m finding it challenging and it feels tense at home..hoping 6th form will bring around a bit more maturity.

OP posts:

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/08/2019 07:31

You sound sensible! I hope you are on here when my daughter is a teen. She told me the other day when she is older she wants a party with all her friends, and they can bring all their friends!

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/08/2019 07:36

One poster sugggested her reactions sounds spoilt in this instance and I would agree, although I also agree that she hasn’t been spoilt in her upbringing.

That was me, I'm glad it came across that it was her reactions I was talking about, not calling her names.

Peer pressure is a shitter at that age, it could be pressure from friends to have a parent free party causing the uncharacteristic stroppy behaviour.

Fwiw I'd stick to my guns too, unsupervised teenagers in a house party is asking for trouble.

Skittlenommer · 07/08/2019 08:52

I honestly don’t think it’s the soft drink that’s the problem

Of course it is!! That and having her parents in the house. It means they’ll need to keep the shenanigans to a minimum.

Too bad!! You’re 16! Go to cinema!!

Setting3 · 07/08/2019 08:55

I think having a soft drinks only party for 16 year olds around here would be considered very unusual and a bit embarrassing - I know my 16 year olds would not be happy about that - all the parties they have attended have had alcohol (and definitely parents) but you are entitled to your views and rules in your own house and she is free to not agree with you. Maybe you should suggest another way to celebrate.

And try not to take your dd's jibes personally - you have all the control here (it's your house etc) and you are using it - the only ammunition your dd has, is to tell you she doesn't want to spend time with you and hurt you and potentially sneak off to a field and drink alcohol and dance a bit - as she gets older she will inevitably have the freedom to go her own way, you will hopefully have less control over her actions and she will have less desire to attack you - your rules need to change with her age and ignore the jibes or you will make this situation worse.

JustDanceAddict · 07/08/2019 09:17

My DD has one for her 17th, I supplied alcohol, but of the lower volume variety. They had the downstairs (all tiled) and outside - breakables were put away. It was all fine. Yes they drank, but there was no damage. We went out for a bit then came back and sat in our bedroom for 4 hours 😆 she also wanted us out of the way but I wanted to be there in case anyone got sick, etc. It really depends on the crowd etc.

TapasForTwo · 07/08/2019 09:26

DD had a soft drinks only party for her 16th. It was her decision because a couple of girls she invited were known to just go way beyond just having a few drinks and then weeing everywhere and being sick.

As she had been to so many drunken 16th birthdays she didn't feel that she had missed out. Luckily all her friends said it made a nice change for it to be alcohol free. No-one sneaked any in as far as I know either.

As she has a summer birthday we did a barbecue for them, then disappeared upstairs to stay out of the way. There were 12 of them, and they all stayed over and ended up watching films.

That sounds a bit tame, but it went very well.

stucknoue · 07/08/2019 09:46

We went out, we did leave her snitch of a younger sister in the house (with her friend) and left for the local pub for dinner. We came back about 10 and kicked out the last kid around 11. Yes they had been drinking but I wasn't naive, I knew they would so I let them have weak punch (that I made then hid my vodka) however one girl brought Prosecco. It comes down to parenting styles but having now gone through teen years with 2 girls I know you need to give them responsibility and trust them at some point, dd2 especially went to some wild parties for 16th (drunk parents were quite common), but for hers she chose a trip to Alton towers.

Oblomov19 · 07/08/2019 10:49

They have loads and loads of parties here at 16, and a minor amount of alcohol is involved. But parents are always there, or around, or leave for a couple of hours, or in a different part of the house. No trashing goes on, ever.

dimsum123 · 07/08/2019 13:40

Our DD had her 16th recently. We put our marquee up in the garden, they also had the kitchen. DH and I were in the front room and walked around in the kitchen periodically and made pizzas for them and very watered down cocktails.

She wanted us to stay in. We know many of her friends which helped and they were extremely well behaved, lovely manners and all thanked us after the party.

Herocomplex · 07/08/2019 14:06

You’re absolutely right to stick to your guns. It might go beautifully with no issues, but so many things can happen. Point out that if something was to be a problem she’d have her party ruined by having to deal with it. Better that you’re on hand!

Frazzled2207 · 07/08/2019 20:29

Yanbu at all. Your rules but I probably would relax the rules on alcohol a bit. Maybe help them make some nice not too boozy cocktails.

But would no way be leaving them to their own devices.

I think at 17 I'd be a bit more lax.
I think I was going to pubs etc with my fake ID by then.

fishonabicycle · 07/08/2019 20:33

That is rubbish! My son (now 18) has been to loads of house parties and parents were always there at that age!

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