What do you do teen won’t give up confiscated devices?

[Davespecifico]

13 yr old DD roughed up her new school blazer (to make it look older) despite being told clearly not to and in doing so covered it in stains. I am not a tremendously strict parent, so just told her off, explained why her disobedience had disappointed me and asked her to look at the blazer so that I could potentially identify source of stains and clean it.

She was rude, refused to accept it was a problem to disobey and minimised re: the stains. I gave her a chance to rectify, she was stubborn, so I’ve confiscated her devices for 24 hours. It’s the only punishment that means anything to her. Nothing else would really bother her.

She has refused to hand over an iPad, and gone and hunted for her phone and probably found it. I refuse to manhandle her to get them and don’t want to get into an altercation. I have said that there will be further consequences if they’re not handed over.

So what do I do next? Do you have any tips for a similar situation? Thanks for reading.

I turn off the WiFi. I have my own personal one so they can just go without.

Thanks very much Azaelea, I didn't know that but I have just done it.

OurPact support have emailed me with a host of questions but the apple thing is so much easier!

I presume that as I have shared it across devices the 3 hour limit will be shared across devices too? I cant see that spelt out anywhere and wouldn't want to give her six hours by mistake.

yes I think it will be shared across devices. There's an option to that on the front page anyway - all devices should show up on yours. Good luck!

I called the network provider and they could apply a bar that just stopped the internet. It meant I could still ring her and text her but she couldn't get on line for anything. I'd just get the bars lifted again when she behaved. Back on when she misbehaved.

If I had children who refused to hand over their devices I'd physically remove them and put them on eBay.

You'd physically remove them? How, exactly? My 13 year old is stronger than me and has no hesitation in using force against me. As ever, some of us have extremely determined and difficult teens, and it's not a result of poor parenting.

Take it when they are asleep if necessary. Barring sn I don't know how your children have got to a stage where you have no authority over them. That doesn't just happen overnight, so I'm sorry but parenting does have something to do with it.

Really helpful IWanna, thanks very much.

Sorry, but when you have parents not knowing where their children's chargers are because the kids have hidden them and parents having absolutely no authority over their own children, then it something has to change and quickly! And it's your responsibility to do it.
Your kids know you have no teeth, so you need to toughen up and take back control before they are unleashed as adults on the rest of us. Frankly I don't want kids like yours coming into contact with kids like mine. You are the parents and the buck stops with you.
So get their phones cut off. Take them away and sell them. Or, if your children are not quite at the complete out of control stage keep them in someone else's house for your children to earn back. Cut off their access to money and the things they value until they learn to respect you. If they are violent, call the police. Stop being so passive.

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds Trust me, I'm not the passive parent round here. I am the only parent I know who insists on knowing the code to their kids' phones - I am amazed no one else seems to enforce this and if other parents imposed limits on phone use or monitored social media, our life would be a lot easier. I think we've all been persuaded that teens can't survive without phones, but once they have them, regulating them can make family life incredibly fraught and many people are fighting other battles too. If you aren't in this position, it's likely luck as much as good parenting.

As a poster suggested, I asked her to pass over to me her iPad by 9pm. She did bring it to me: she’d had time to cool down and didn’t lose face because she brought it herself.
She went off to bed earlier because she had nothing to do, woke up fresher and nicer, read a book for a bit in the morning (I couldn’t believe it) and got the devices back the next evening.