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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

What do you do teen won’t give up confiscated devices?

61 replies

Davespecifico · 31/07/2019 19:36

13 yr old DD roughed up her new school blazer (to make it look older) despite being told clearly not to and in doing so covered it in stains. I am not a tremendously strict parent, so just told her off, explained why her disobedience had disappointed me and asked her to look at the blazer so that I could potentially identify source of stains and clean it.

She was rude, refused to accept it was a problem to disobey and minimised re: the stains. I gave her a chance to rectify, she was stubborn, so I’ve confiscated her devices for 24 hours. It’s the only punishment that means anything to her. Nothing else would really bother her.

She has refused to hand over an iPad, and gone and hunted for her phone and probably found it. I refuse to manhandle her to get them and don’t want to get into an altercation. I have said that there will be further consequences if they’re not handed over.

So what do I do next? Do you have any tips for a similar situation? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

LifeOfBox · 01/08/2019 06:49

I am struggling to install our pact premium - I have tried seven times so far - so frustrating. It goes through the lengthy process and then gets stuck or doesn't actually load on the phone!

Bobbiepin · 01/08/2019 06:52

Take the charger. Long game, cut one and hide it so when she looks for it she'll find a useless charger. Hide the others at work or somewhere she cannot find them.

Aramox · 01/08/2019 07:11

Apple devices have their own free ScreenTime which allows you to do this(when you have the phone!) - you need to set her up as a family member on your account. Hold your nerve!

latexsalesman · 01/08/2019 07:24

@Aramox they are buggy and don't always work. My ds also found work arounds. I had to get our pact too as I couldn't rely on it actually working.

WhoWants2Know · 01/08/2019 07:31

If you use apple devices and are linked as a family, you can use the Find My Iphone app to mark her phone as lost. This will lock her phone so that she can't use it for as long as you need.

Loopytiles · 01/08/2019 07:35

Come on OP, woman up!

IMO the punishment was too light for deliberately spoiling uniform you paid for!

LifeOfBox · 01/08/2019 07:36

Apple screen time reports usage but I want to block certain apps, allowing DD to have her phone so that she can speak to her Dad and/or message him.

I don't want to lock her phone completely.

Our pact premium has not installed again - I must be on the tenth try!

Blastnamechangeagain · 01/08/2019 07:49

We have an app so we can switch off our DC devices instantly. We also have a timer on it so it turns off at 6.30pm and doesn’t come on until 6am.
If I was you I would have seriously been furious and probably no devices for the holidays.
But I am a strict parent.

le5ley2001 · 01/08/2019 08:43

We had Screen time on our phone. The Premium lets you block specific apps and put times of day blocks on as well. It also shows how much the they spend and when they are on their phone. My DD was on social media at stupid o'clock. Her phone and laptop now stay out of her room when she goes to bed. I don't monitor it regularly but knowing that I can makes her think twice about it.
Taking the phone off her earlier each night works better as a punishment as that is the time that they are all on social media.

Aramox · 01/08/2019 09:10

Apple screentime allows you to block apps- you may need to find instructions but it is quite straightforward, you just allocate ‘0 minutes’ to insta or whatever.

LifeOfBox · 01/08/2019 09:53

le5ley - was that an android phone - I found most of the options weren't available for iOS.

Aramox, yes it does, but you can override it - the egg timer appears and says 'limit reached for today' - you can override it for 15 minutes or override it for the day - pretty useless really.

At 10, DD wouldn't have dared, different story at 13.

She is not impressed, her iPhone has been replaced with a Nokia 105 this morning and I am trying to get our pact on her iPad to see if I have more success than on her iPhone.

WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 · 01/08/2019 10:37

Very interested in this thread as feel we have been through it all. 1) delayed buying iphone til she was 14.5 - pointless really 2) made rules around use, all broken 3) asked school to make rules, also broken 3) installed Qustodio and then OurPact - dd managed to disable both 4) confiscated iPad but that still leaves her with phone and school laptop 5) turn off wifi 90% of time, but there is a hotspot on landing 6) she wouldn't let us near the phone so we too won't have an altercation about it 7) have tried confiscating charger - she has got a bit wise to this and we haven't been able to get access to it. Not sure what is left. We haven't paid for the phone (or indeed pocket money) for months and do you know what - it hasn't mattered. She can FaceTime for free and most messaging apps are free too. Until she hands over her phone at night (10pm), all these sanctions remain - dd doesn't care. The phone is king.

idril · 01/08/2019 10:48

I don't get the link between taking away her devices and ruining her blazer. All she will remember is how hard done by she is because you took away her devices.

Does she get pocket money/an allowance? Personally, I'd be taking that away and making her pay for a new blazer.

Ourpact is great - we pay for it to get all the functionality and it's so worth it.

JoinTheMicrodots · 01/08/2019 11:16

What did she do to it to ‘rough it up’ and did she explain beforehand what she wanted to do and why?

Rumours0fAHurricane · 01/08/2019 11:27

I disagree with a lot of this advice. All you're doing is upping the stakes more and more which ultimately produces worsening behaviour because you have well and truly backed them into a corner with nothing to lose

Taking devices away for messing up a blazer isn't logical at all. Yes it requires a consequence but the road you've gone down has resulted in the situation you've found yourself in now.

User24689 · 01/08/2019 11:31

Just a question about OurPact - can they not just delete the app from their device themselves?

Knackeredmommy · 01/08/2019 11:35

I use Kidslox and quostidio, phones are locked off at bedtimes so they can't use them. My son has tried to remove Kidslox but as I have the parent control from my phone he can't and it notifies me he's tried.

chrisski33 · 01/08/2019 12:04

Think you should be addressing the reasons why she is messing her blazer up tbh.
Confiscating ipad and iphone works for a while but soon she will not bother. Been there with son couple of years back.
Ourpact is great but doesnt teach them how to manage their screen time themselves. Tbh i dont understand why kids under 15 need iphones or ipads. Basic mobile phones are fine til they mature.

WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 · 01/08/2019 12:46

upthewolves - yes, exactly. OurPact was brilliant when it worked. But this summer holidays, she has managed to completely disable it - without access to our phones which controlled it.

WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 · 01/08/2019 12:49

There's lots of Youtube videos etc which seem to advise kids on how to disable these apps.

Teddybear45 · 01/08/2019 12:54

If this were me I would cancel all phone and data plans, change the wifi password, and take the router with me when I go to work / bed. She would then have to earn back her privileges.

Knitwit99 · 01/08/2019 12:54

Our virgin WiFi router lets you turn off WiFi to specific devices. Works a treat for us.

User24689 · 01/08/2019 15:08

Thanks WhatsItAllaboutAlfie1. Seems like quite a flaw really! I don't yet have teens though so I'm no expert. I have all these joys to look forward to! 😆

onsen · 01/08/2019 15:12

We have Qustodio, although I am thinking of switching to Ourpact. if she disables it, the phone is removed (we pay for it) and she'll be back onto the Nokia brick.

azaleanth90 · 01/08/2019 15:54

@LifeOfBox It sounds like you haven't set Screentime up right if that's happening. You set it up with a code that only you have and they can only make a request for more time that goes direct to you. The phone has to be registered as a child's in an apple family account to let you control it like that. Honestly I advise looking at the online instructions! Of course a kid can crack it somehow but mine hasn't managed to. I do try not to be too over the top with it, bearing in mind teens' phones are their lifelines [they think].

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