Son responds with "I didn't ask to be born"

[DidntAskToBe]

A bit of background.
He's actually 20, so not a teenager, but wasn't sure where to post.
He's just failed his 2nd year at uni and has decided to defer his resit and the third year. Uni and I support this decision.

Since I collected him from uni end of June he's been home and not really done much at all.
He plays in a band and really loves that. He's had a few gigs.
He's just started driving lessons.
He has had one unsuccessful temporary job interview.
He's become very philosophical and thoughtful - preachy you might say.
He hasn't asked for money from me so has his loan and allowance. To be fair he's not materialistic.
He's been smoking dope. Evenings he does that he comes back really late and then doesn't get out bed until midday or so. He's on a completely different time zone to me and DS2 so it's hard to do anything together.

We generally have a very good relationship, but I'm thrown by this. He had a very low period around Easter time (hence the exam fails) and seems to be a bit more positive, but how do I respond to him saying "I didn't ask to be born" in response to me wanting him to share the workload of housework and to get a job.

Well he may not have asked - I ignore it or say ‘your right, but you’re here now so you can muck in and help, or if you prefer you can do your own washing cooking and cleaning instead’

Oh and here’s the job centre number, good luck’

How about "Neither did I, nor did anyone else. Yet here we all are."

I quite like adding "Suck it up, buttercup" to my two. Tells them how unimpressed I am by their whining complaints.

Why is he deferring? Seems like he is going to relax, play in his band and live off his allowance. Why would he bother working or helping around house? You say you support this.

You live here as an adult, you contribute.

Whilst I support your deferment, in the meantime you need to recognise you are an adult and therefore have responsibilities.

You have until X date to get a job (or sign on?) After that point I expect £80 a week in food/lodgings until you return to university as this extra year is costing us £X000

He needs to get off the dope. It doesn't sound like it's doing him any good

Thanks. I have been treading warily as I think he may be clinically depressed and the stats about young men a suicide scare me. I want to keep the channels of talk open.
But yes, that doesn't mean I should be a mug.

I have been thinking about his allowance and I suppose I need to have that conversation with him.

He needs to get off the dope. Yes. Any suggestions how I can help with that?

I wouldn't be giving him an allowance at all if he's spending it on drugs. I'm amazed he gets one at all at 20 years of age, but maybe that's because none of us or my friends ever had that luxury. You're enablling him. He'll be more inclined to get and keep a job if it's his only source of income.

He's using his student loan to buy drugs, while he's not even at university. That is just ridiculous.

I would tell him I'd give him £1000 if he could find me one person who HAD asked to be born.

Why is he deferring? Seems like he is going to relax, play in his band and live off his allowance. Why would he bother working or helping around house? You say you support this.

He is deferring as he's just wiped out really. He wants to learn to drive, earn some money, travel, get his shit together (his words), and play in the band.
This is what I support, NOT loafing around doing nothing. When we were talking about him deferring we focussed more on whether it was the right thing to do regarding his degree.

The 'allowance' is meant to be to top up his maintenance grant.
It has been paid once since he deferred, so quite a new situation.
He goes out to smoke about once a week. I have no idea how much that costs.
Of course I shouldn't be funding that, and I'm pretty sure most of the students at uni who take drugs are funded in some way by their parents. Or spend it on alcohol.
His loan will run out soon. He has saved and worked all holidays till now.

So, he has bummed around at Uni, failed and come home for you to support him. Seriously, you are happy with this?

My SS started smoking dope at the age of 18, we cut off his allowance as much as possible and anything he needed we purchased with him rather than give him the cash. He soon got fed up being treated like a 5 year old. He does still smoke occasionally but he is now working and if he chooses to throw his cash away it is up to him.

You are making life far too easy for him.

If really struggling to get up, feel motivated and think too much about why he's here is 'bummed around' then yes, that's what he's done.

He talked to his tutor about how low he was feeling before his exams. They would not have let him defer if he had bummed around, his results until Easter show that there was a marked change.

Is coming down really hard on someone who might be depressed the best approach?

OP, your DS is no longer a child. He’s a 20 year old adult. For goodness’ sake - and his sake - cut the apron strings now.
As PPs have said, you are enabling his state of helpless dependency, and not making him take responsibility for his life, his actions, his finances, and his self care/housework. This is doing him no favours at all.
If you suspect he is depressed and self medicating with dope, have that discussion with him, and recommend a GP consultation for more appropriate medication.
It’s high time he shouldered the normal adult requirements for earning a living etc.

Yes, I have suggested he see a GP, quite a few times.

Thank you, it's very useful to get outside perspective. It's very hard when it's your own child.

I understand your anxiety.

There are ways of doing it so there's no confrontation though.

Tell him you've a lot on and would like a hand, so is there anything in particular he'd like to do to help out. Ask if he fancies doing indoor or outdoor. Perhaps he wants to cook a few times a week, or sort out the kitchen every evening.

Don't make it a guilt trip, or an instruction. It's a conversation between two adults (albeit one isn't yet independent).

Cut off his allowance - yes, he was burned out but he's had a good few months off so he needs to get off his backside and get a job. Having no money tends to concentrate the mind, and will have the added bonus of getting rid of the cannabis which can be particularly harmful to young people's mental health and processing skills.

I’ve got more sympathy for the “I didn’t ask to be born” line. It’s true, he didn’t, neither did any of us.

If you’re not enjoying life and it feels like a burden/meaningless then I can imagine saying this.

If it’s correct he failed his second year due to his low mood then he may well be depressed. I think I’d go for a gentle but firm line about doing his share around the house but also talk to him about what’s going on with him.

Mother hen is what's needed
'Here, make yourself useful, sweep the floor for me'
'Come and help me make dinner'
'Right, now you're a grown up, your allowance will stop (until you restart uni) from X date you will need to contribute X amount for your keep (keep it for his travel fund)'
'Get out into the fresh air'
'weed is not advisable for people prone to depression'
Get him up and out every day because that's 101 for depression. Have expectations because that's 101 of parenting young adults.
Nagging interested parents who care do not make suicide more likely but less, and eating family meals together is also protective in studies even where relationship with parents is bad! Staying in your room all day makes depression considerably more likely.
And the response to I wish I wasn't born is 'well I'm glad you were, you're everything to me and I promise you won't always feel this way'. Good luck

OK, we've just had a talk (I work from home).

Allowance will stop. He will get a job once he's been to a festival that has been booked for months.

We already share the cooking (he loves to cook) and he suggested he take over the job grocery shopping. He minds DS2 while I go out for a run or work (when I've struggled with childcare). He's taking DS2 to the cinema later.

I think I've got what I need from this thread now - the nudge I need to not tip toe around the possible depression.

how do I respond to him saying "I didn't ask to be born" in response to me wanting him to share the workload of housework and to get a job.
Did any of us? And yet here we are - making friends hopefully, having fun, planning for the future, travelling, etc. having to deal with life's responsibilities, which includes pulling your weight at home, work, wherever.

Also I liked @GreenTulips' response.

Allowance will stop. He will get a job once he's been to a festival that has been booked for months.
I see the two of you have spoken and come to a mutual arrangement.

I'm glad you both got something positive from it.

I think structure and routine can really help someone who might be on the edge of getting into a depression spiral. Lying around the house doing nothing certainly wont.

I'd be really pushing him to get a job, organise his driving lessons and help around the house. He's had his little lazy holiday, now it's time to start sorting his life out.

Great he's looking for a job soon. It helps their self esteem and organisational skills, once they've had a knock back. As you've worked out yourself, the very last thing he. Reds is to be lying in bed.

My own younger son has had an amazingly lazy summer, and it will come to an abrupt halt in September unless he gets his uni place.

Good luck!

Great update, he sounds like a good un.

"I didn't ask to be born" Here's your life take it or leave it. Honestly why Should a man exist if he does not choose it? For someone who wants choice this is a hard statement to argue against. If I had no family I would probably attempt suicide. I have no plans for children so that will eventually happen once i'm alone. Hopefully I'm fortunate and a reason to exist happens.

Do you live in fear?