Teenagers and sex

[Imustbemad00]

Right I’ll try and give the back story as briefly as possible.
Daughter nearly 14 in year 8. Has been suffering with mental health for a couple of years, depression and self harming (which I believe has stopped) Angry outbursts, low moods etc. Sometimes it’s difficult to differentiate between the depression and normal teenage stuff.
She’s having ipt therapy with CAMHS she had a brief period where she seemed better but has gone downhill again.

She’s not constantly unhappy, or at least doesn’t look and act if. Has a laugh with friends ect. We’re not getting on, her and her sibling argue non stop too. I probably need to look at trying to fix our relationship a bit as it’s a bit fractured and I think she feels jealous of sibling but she does generally feel like she can talk to me.

She went a bit off the rails last year, wasn’t coming home from school, done a couple of over night disappearing acts where I had to call the police. This year has been better.

So that’s the backstory, thank you if you’ve got this far. So, she has a boyfriend, same age,been together 8 months. She’s quite emotionally dependant on him, says he’s the only thing in her life that makes her happy. He’s a nice by from a nice family. We’ve spoke about sex, she said she doesn’t want to and she’s too scared. There’s been rumours at school, I’ve spoken to school and all involved thinks they’re just rumours.

Anyway, I’ve jist seen messages on her phone that suggests they have attempted to have sex before, and are planning to again. Also talks of blow jobs. Messages were distressing for me to read.

My question is, what the hell do I do? Do I tell her she can’t see him and risk her hating me more, running away, becoming more depressed or self harming, or basically come to terms with the fact if they really want to they will, and just arm her with all the information about self worth and contraception etc and hope she makes the right decision. Every part of me wants to ground her for life. She’s not emotionally ready for sex.

You can't tell her she can't see him. She'll just resent you and do it anyway. You CAN talk to her about using protection.

I started a thread about this sort of thing just yesterday and a lot of people commented that yes, it's too young but it's very common. Teenagers are physically often ready to have sex but emotionally not...however, there's often no stopping them.

I would suggest you continue to keep the communication line open - she's talked sex with you before so go back to the topic.
Don't pretend you haven't seen the messages, often this is an accidentally on purpose sort of way for children to talk about something and she may not know where to start.
Sometimes messages are just words and she may not want to be doing the things she's doing and needs some boundaries to help her feel secure, though she maybe fine with it all.
Perhaps not ban but reduce contact, he can come round once a week for dinner etc but he's not to come round at weekends etc and then fill her diary with alternative activities such as mother and daughter days/evenings.
Give her the house rules - no sex before 16 and WHY.
Ask her about what she wants for her future and help her to work out how to get there... (having a child at a young age will make hard work at school even harder etc)
I would also contact her boyfriend's parents and ask them how they are managing their son being in a relationship so young, you may find them a great help!

Put her on the pill ASAP.

What ever you, don’t make sex an issue, it’s completely normal act to do in a relationship.

Be open with her, be frank, advise her of the law and make her aware of safe sex, and her choice to say no and not be pressurised into having sex if she’s not ready.

Put her on the pill

You don't "put" 17 year olds on the pill! You educate them and then they make that decision.

Can you speak to her therapist? The pill may not be suitable for her anyway if she suffers with depression.

She's not 17 she's 13!!!

Great post from Savingshoes

*HennyPennyHorror

Put her on the pill

You don't "put" 17 year olds on the pill! You educate them and then they make that decision.*

I’d agree IF she was 17, however she’s 13 years of age.

I have a boy aged 13 and if he showed any signs of being sexually active id be going down this route.

I'd speak to her about contraception asap. Not the pill, something like the implant.

What ever you, don’t make sex an issue, it’s completely normal act to do in a relationship

Not at 13 it's not!

OP when does she have opportunity to see this lad? Do you know him?

Thanks. They spend a lot of time together, more out and about than in homes. They bunked off school one day and I think they may have gone to his house. The messages talk about wanting to do these things lots in the summer holidays. I’m wondering where..? She’s told me girls from school have sex in bushes and it horrified me.

I guessed the advice would be to keep calm and talk to her. It just seems so wrong to basically allow my 13 year old to have sex and do nothing to stop it. She’s a child. It puts her at so much risk philysocally and emotionally.

She is so vulnerable emotionally, I don’t just worry about this boy, but future relationships should it be known she’s sexually active. I worry about pressure, bullying,, so many things linked to this. Then obviously there’s pregnancy! It was only a few months ago she was suicidal. She’s just not ready.

I may talk to school safeguarding lead. She’s quite helpful.

I’ve met him quite a few times but he’s only been inside my house once, and vice versa. He’s a nice boy generally. If I contacted his parents their knee jerk reaction would be to stop him seeing her and I really worry about the effect of that on my daughter. Plus she would hate me even more for telling them.

My advice would be very different of she were 15 but she's thirteen and I would go full on to prevent them seeing eachother.

Safeguarding/ pastoral team at school-our school are very good with things like this. If they didn't inform the boy's parents then I would for sure! In fact that might be all it takes as I bet they don't want it happening either.

Family counselling.

At 13,trying to remember back now, I pretty much knew where ds was and he relied on us for money so that limited where he went. At one point I thought he was getting a bit close to a girl and we suddenly got 'very busy' as a family and he just didn't have time to see her and it fizzled out.

Don't envy you at all OP,best of luck.

Plus she would hate me even more for telling them

That's a risk I'd take at 13 to keep her safe.

I absolutely agree that sex at 13 is wrong, as well as illegal.

Sex within a relationship however is completely normal.

My parents went blastic when they found out I had a boyfriend aged 13, and told me sex was wrong, it was dirty, they would be ashamed of me etc...

All I had was a boyfriend, who I’d nit even kissed, they forced me to “break”’up with him and for a very long time I believed sex was a dirt thing.

On speaking to my friends they also had similar issues , and it took many of us years to believe that sex was a completely normal act between 2 people, and not dirty, shameful etc...

I lost my virginity at this age and was doing other things before then. One thing I would say is you won’t be able to stop her unless you lock her in her room. I wish I could go back and do things differently now because I got a bad name in school etc. So if there’s any way you can convince her this is a bad idea, I’d try.

That's a risk I'd take at 13 to keep her safe.

That’s the problem though, keeping her safe in one way risks her going off the rails in a different way.

I’d struggle to keep her busy so she’d have less time to see him. She HATES coming out with me and her sibling unless it’s somewhere that’s good and costs money which I don’t have. I know people will say you can do things without money, but try telling that to a teen.

As a mum of a teen boy I think you should tell his parents,they should know and am sure they'd appreciate it. Very different at 15+ but at not even 14 and a vulnerable one at that then it's a whole different kettle of fish.

I'm not a prude but I don't understand the mindset that you don't tell your dc not to do something for fear of them hating you. If we give our dc no boundaries at all then surely you are at risk for being hated for that reason too! Yes, it's important to keep communication open and to not come down so hard that the relationship is destroyed, but there is a balance to be found here surely?

You are well within your rights to tell your daughter how you feel about this. And just because you can't physically tie down teens and stop them from doing something if they are determined to do it, that doesn't mean that you can't strongly discourage them from doing it either.

Good luck with it op. I would alert his parents too.

I would agree, you tell her and keep telling her that sex is not appropriate at this age (and maybe give her some examples of things they can do?) I would also try to prevent too much time on their own by making her come home at a certain time, etc (if she's likely to comply). I read somewhere that even if they break the rules a bit, they will stay in their head as a guideline, so never be afraid of setting limits they think are wrong. I'd be interested to hear if school safeguarding lead is helpful. Good luck, OP, it sounds very hard.

I see sex as a wonderful gift, and a spiritual thing too. Not 'dirty' etc. But not something to be taken too lightly either. We should be protecting our teens I believe, in some way, from the onslaught of our highly sexualised culture. Girls and boys are encouraged now to have no sexual boundaries from an early age.

For sure, its nice and normal to have wonderful crushes at that age. But IMO full sex, blow jobs (uh, hate that tacky debasing word, its sad to me that a 13 year old is even using that kind of language, though bad enough at any age), 13 is just way too young. I wouldn't be encouraging any 'relationships' at that age. If the girl or boy is vulnerable thats probably even more the case.

No idea what to suggest OP. Not easy. Only you know your daughter. A warm and supportive chat might help. Try and keep her warm and protected over the next couple of years, if thats possible (I don't know how 'out of control' she is or what the root of the problem is).

What ever you, don’t make sex an issue, it’s completely normal act to do in a relationship

Eh? At 13?

I would tell her I seen her phone she is only 13 You are her parent.

Get her to watch a programme called teen mums. That will defo put her off.

I would get her the implant. At 13/14 kids think they are in love.
Im 17 and still a virgin but I have been out with boys but would not dream of having sex. A lot of my friends have and do it in bushes like you said.
My mum talks to me and tells me when Im ready to come to her for help and talk about it.
Buy her condoms and get the implant to protect herself. Some of this can be peer pressure if everyone else is having sex they think they are missing out on something.

There's the possibility she is crying out for boundaries, in the same way toddlers need them. Just because she hates spending time with the family doesn't mean she gets to opt out of family life,not at 13,that comes later imo at 15+ then they can decide that they "hate the fucking National Trust and don't want to go!"

When Ds was 13 we did spot checks on his phone and we made it perfectly clear anything sent which wasn't suitable to be shown to the Headmaster or his granny was in breech of phone rules and therefore he lost it for a while if he sent anything dodgy.

She does have boundaries. It’s just when her mood is low she will ignore them completely and it’s really hard to reign her in.

I’ve looked up the implant but it says it’s not suitable for people with depression. I guess I’d have to talk to her therapist about it.

When she’s home this evening I’m going to have a talk with her. I’m not looking forward to it at all. I’ll be calm and hope that encourages her to open up. All my instincts are telling me to take her phone away and stop her going out but I know that will just make the situation worse.

In regards to making her spend time with us in the summer holidays and keeping her busy- it’s just not possible. I don’t have the money to be going out every day and forcing her to come with us on outings or even to the park ect will just make her miserable and she will ruin the day for me and her sibling. She’ll be horrible to be around and the atmosphere will be awful and everyone ends up arguing and miserable. I’ll try my best, but all it takes is one day anyway and I can’t keep her busy for 36 days.