Parents of 16yr olds - I have questions for you!

[FrancisofAss]

Following yet another argument with 16yr old dd, could you answer the following questions for me:

A) do you always know (roughly) where they are?
B) do you still ask for an address and a parent’s contact number if they are going to a party which is finishing late?
C) what chores do they do around the house?
D) would you use something like ‘find my iphone’ if you didn’t know where they were?

1. Yes
2. The address but not the parents numbers
3. Not specific chores but ask her to help with things like walking the dog, clearing plates away etc.
4. Our entire family has life 360 on our phones. It is useful in seeing where we all are in terms of when we will get home. I also use it to keep an eye on where my daughter and husband go on a run etc. it also has a "send I'm in trouble alert" which I love as it sends the coordinates - glad to say we haven't had to use it yet.

15 year old DS
a) yes - but very roughly, if he's out on bike with friend(s) they tend to move about a lot!
b) yes to address; I don't have contact numbers for any of his friends' parents.
c) Once a fortnight we all spend an hour cleaning the house. He also cooks (or at least preps) dinner at least once a fortnight. Expected to keep his own room tidy and hoovered/dusted at least fortnightly.
d) wouldn't track him. He would probably disable it if I tried.

A) do you always know (roughly) where they are? - YES
B) do you still ask for an address and a parent’s contact number if they are going to a party which is finishing late? YES
C) what chores do they do around the house? TIDY OWN ROOMS (VARYING DEGREES OF SUCCESS.) HOOVERING WHEN ASKED; LAYING TABLE/CLEARING UP AFTER DINNER
D) would you use something like ‘find my iphone’ if you didn’t know where they were? I WOULD IF I KNEW HOW BUT I'M NOT TECHIE AND THEY CHOSE ANDROIDS THIS TIME. IN PRINCIPLE, YES.

a) No
b) gave up on that one
c) nothing, really
d) DD refuses to install it on her phone. (shrug). She doesn't object to it in principle but she won't delete 2 million pics to make room on the phone.

Ds is 17 -
a) Yes roughly
b) Address but not parent's number
c) Will do any chores when asked, walks the dogs sometimes, tidies own room
d) no but ds wouldn't mind if I did

DD is 16.
A/ I'm told roughly where she's going, which town/city.
B/ Only the address, usually because we're asked to pick her up.
C/ Her own room, her own bedlinen, occasional dinner.
D/ Never track her phone. Many years ago she had an Android app which could find her phone in case she lost it and it could also track her location, but she's long ago uninstalled it - we've never tracked her movements.

Nearly 16yo

A) very roughly
B) no. I sometimes know the rough address or street name, not always
C) none
D) I would like to but dc not keen. I will try though as seems sensible

Interesting how little they all contribute to chores!

@cremeeggthief do you mind your son’s behaviour or are you completely comfortable with it?

17 yo DD

1 Yes - always know where she is if at a friends, or that she is in town/shopping centre etc, and she is to text if plans change.
2 yes- always know address, as usually either drop off or pick up. If staying over insist on phone number too - I speak to a parent the first time to check it is ok she stays over, unless I already know the family.
3 no specific chores but she cooks family meal a couple of times a week, does her own washing most of the time (if it is her basket I will put it in the wash, but I refuse to sort through her floordrobe!). She does most of the baking, and will clean the bathroom if she notices it needs doing.

4 yes, use a find my phone app - mostly to locate the phone for her if she has mislaid it. Not needed to check her whereabouts. We are quite strict really, but say yes to most requests and facilitate her social life where required.

@FrancisofAss - I agree about chores. Our two do almost none and it is definitely a parenting failure on my part. Trying to change it but not easy.

A. Yes
B. No
C. Yes
D. No

My responses are a bit different than others I think!

Basically we treat dd more or less like an adult unless she proves us wise not to.. and she hasn’t yet. So she can come and go as she pleases, I don’t ask for numbers etc or where she is, we don’t track her iPhone etc. The only ground rules we have is absolutely no smoking, no drinking (we are a teetotal family) and to let me know if she’s wanting dinner by 5pm otherwise she can get herself something when she comes in.

In return for this freedom she does have to do some chores - clean her room once a week, change her bed, change the kitchen bin each day, unload dishwasher if she sees it needs doing like everyone else, etc etc.

Thankfully she’s a really good teen, she actually seems to enjoy being at home more than going out. We live quite rurally too so the latest she ever comes back is about 9/10pm and that’s if I’m collecting her or she will walk back if it’s 8ish.

At her age I was living in South London and coming back on the tube in the middle of the night and getting drunk!

Fairylea what would your response/reaction be if your DD decided she didn’t want to be teetotal?

@BigSandyBalls2015 I would be a bit upset inside because it’s a big deal to me - we have lots of alcoholism in our family (my Gran, my Mum, my Uncle and even myself when I was younger) and it’s something dh and I really feel quite strongly about (dh has never drank alcohol) BUT I would respect her decision as an adult if she wanted to. We would never have it in the house however. That’s a bit of a different thread I guess!

I do fully expect her to wander in absolutely drunk at some point however, I think most teens do!

Mostly
Not really
Bugger all
No

I think imposing a whole set of rules at this age takes away an element of personal responsibility. We are still the parents but we have to give them leeway. Ds at 17 has friends who aren't allowed to make a decision themselves and they are the kids you wouldn't trust being out, cos they've never had trust put in them.

FrancisAss, I'm not entirely happy with it, no. It's definitely a case of pick your battles. I have no family back-up and I have fatigue issues, so I have had to compromise a lot. That said, he is nearly 17 now and only started partying at 16, so it could have been worse.

A yes
B no
C empty dishwasher in rotation; keep room tidy; do own washing and ironing; help put groceries away
D dd 18 yes ds 17 no. He refuses the tracker app.

I think you have to decide your own boundaries OP — ie take your dd’s protestations with a pinch of salt. We regularly get told “you’re the only parents that do ....” but it turns out some parents are stricter!

Always knew exactly where they were. I might not have known which shop they were in but I knew they were in town shopping and who with. Since I had to collect them, I knew where they were.
I usually knew the parents of any child whose party they went to. I’d have contact details anyway as I either needed to collect them or check they had been invited to sleepover and there was an adult in the house.
Chores varied dependent on exams and other activities but a form expectation of joint us in household tasks - cooking together, clearing the table, emptying the dishwasher, watering the plants, walking the dog, making beds, laundry etc. We never had a rota or a list of who did what; my expectation was they would identify when something needed doing and do it. It might be my son putting up a discreet and well hidden high fence for three days before we could have the dog move in, he might clear the gutters whilst I cooked supper. Or he might cook supper while I refreshed the flowers. What we don’t have still is anyone sitting around idle whilst I do jobs around them. Applies to partners now too. We all share the workload.

DS now 18 so thinking back 2 years (just finished GCSEs then)

A yes I would roughly know where he was and who with

B no I wouldn't have parents contact details unless they were longstanding friends. I always had contact numbers for a couple of DS friends though and would contact them if DS appeared to have disappeared from contact

C at school/ college he walked dog twice a day, during school hols I paid him to clean the house

D I've never looked into any tracking app. I don't like the idea to be honest - although I can see it's necessary in some cases

16yo Dd

A yes
B yes to address as she would be getting a lift home from either us or a friends' parent, phone number no (would always ask about parental supervision though)
C responsible for keeping her room and bathroom clean, bedding and towels changed etc., herself and her older brother are responsible for sorting and distributing all laundry when dry, setting table for meals and clearing up kitchen after meals. She generally dusts, her brother vacuums.
D yes with her agreement as it's a safety thing that she is happy with

DS is nearly 16.
A. YES
B. NO but he doesn't really go to parties.
C. He does a few more chores now he's finished his exams. He has to keep his room tidy, empty the dishwasher and put a wash on but he's also been doing a bit of shopping for me and keeping the garden in order.
D. NO

A) Roughly, yes

B) no, but I want to know who’s party it is and if she’ll need to be picked up and if she needs a left to let me know by X time. This is the biggest issue.

C) tidy rooms, put clothes in wash basket, tidy plates away/clear up after dinner a couple of times a week. Occasionally cook a meal/make own food if out of regular mealtimes.

D) yes I use it a lot! More to see if she’s on her way home from somewhere or out after school. We all have each other on it (Find Friends). DS is the worst for timekeeping and he’s 15.

A roughly
B no
C own laundry, cook once a week, empty dishwasher, tidy room, dishes after dinner, set table or feed dog
D yes life 360 and find my phone - we all have it, kids can remove it if they want though.