How to help DS who is making constant bad choices

[totallygrey]

Name changed as would hate to out my DS.

He's 14 and over last 18 months has been getting in constant trouble at school.

Now in Y9. Prior to this year had never been in trouble of any kind. In fact had a couple of leadership positions at hi prior school. He's always been popular with teachers and pupils. He's only just hitting puberty... small for his age and only just beginning to mature physically.

He started a new school in sept and weekly boards. (His choice because for a variety of reasons he v much wanted to go to this particular school). Enjoys it but seems to have no filter of any kind and is in constant trouble. Messing around in lessons, caught with a vape which he bought and brought into school, messing around on a school trip (making a nuisance with a group of other boys - one boy got banned from future trips, DS and others got warning). His decision making is absolutely crap. He seems to have no concept of how annoying he is being in lessons or how stupid it is to break school rules.

School are being supportive but also we recognise they can't give him endless chances . He's had detention for some stuff and suspension (for the vape). Won't be allowed in next school trip unless shows more maturity. (But have given him chance to redeem himself).

Nothing but support from us on school punishments. (But school have also recommended not being too hard on him as important to encourage and guide him).

At home he's more withdrawn and moody than a year ago and we've had lies about what he's doing/where going (without asking us - so not that we'd said no!) and found cigarettes in his room.

Finding this all v v hard.

Each time it happens we discuss and there are consequences (not going out or losing electronics etc) Have stopped his (small) allowance in last few weeks. If he wants any money he'll have to ask for it.

With summer holidays approaching, don't know what to do with him. It's a long holiday and too much time for him to get Ito trouble. He's going to want to meet friends, go to parties etc and just seems like too much freedom (don't know friends from new school.). Also feel like he needs some help to understand how lucky and privileged he is. I wish he could work on a farm or building site doing some hard labour and get some perspective. Or work on a soup kitchen.

Anyone been here and give me some advice on how to handle?

I would take him out of boarding, spend time with him and help him grow up.
Is he mischievous or spoilt and entitled?
I think foisting him onto a building site or soup kitchen isn't fair on them, even if you found someone to take him on.

They say that aspiration is the best protection against bad choices.
You tend to avoid bad decisions if they might ruin your future.

What does he want to do "when he grows up", what are his hopes & dreams? What makes him happy?

I don't think he's spoilt. People who know him including school say he's a nice kid. But I'm my mind that's a fine line - and he's stepping over it. Yes mischievous- and wants to be cool. Doesn't recognise that his behaviour shows his immaturity.

He'd be v sad if we removed him from school. Maybe that's what I'll have to do. But the impact on him and his self esteem of doing that would be major. It may make things much worse.

His aspirations don't seem to be enough to help him make the right decision in the moment. He is impulsive and rather chaotic. Doesn't pause to think as he's enjoying the moment too much.

But I agree that's an angle I can discuss more with him to help him see the link between the opportunities he has and where they might take him.

... self esteem is the other key. Kids make better decisions when they think they deserve the best, more than chaos & problems.

Sounds like he is trying to be popular with other students and fit in by being class clown/cool vaper etc . Does he like boarding, maybe it's that? Are the other kids hard to get along with?

Self esteem - he struggles with school work but up until now has had other things he's been good at. And he's generally been popular, had good group of friends. Self esteem poss part of issue.

Loves the boarding and school but it's a bigger pond and older boys so yes, think he's trying to be cool and find his place. The things he was really good at when younger he's no longer only one who is good (much bigger school) so that's a knock to confidence and his self esteem.

I don't want to make excuses for him. Just don't know how to help him wake up to himself.

House master says some of it is peer pressure and not being able to stand up to others. Seems like endless round of new decisions. Faced with choice he'll go for wrong one ... and always gets caught .

If he loves the school then my suggestion to remove him isn't a good one. I think he should stay. As you said, it sounds like he's trying to fit in and find his place. It must be difficult for him.
The rest of what he's doing sounds a bit like just being 14. Remember you are looking at this through adult eyes, he isn't.
Does he have a responsible adult at school you and he trust that could sort of take him under their wing? I think he just needs a bit if guidance, maybe without mum and dad there he feels a bit if a loose cannon and he's looking for someone to settle him down a bit?
I don't think he sounds a bad boy at all, a bit silly and immature yes, but at 14 who isn't?
I think it'll be fine. Hopefully he'll find a steady influence at school and calm down. Could you have a discreet word with school to fascillitate this?

I have a similar problem - if you don't mind a hijack. Mine is 13 and it feels like every day brings another problem - detention, vaping, drinking.He refuses to concede any of these are bad choices . No interests, no career ideas, can't get him to join any activities, spends his time on his phone and if we remove it he gets the rage and does even more extreme misbehaviour. School say (repeatedly) he's immature. How to encourage better choices or even a better attitude? I'm at a complete loss.

Another hijacker here with 13 year old DS woes.
DS sounds very similar to both your boys. He's quite popular, smart, school say hes a good kid, doing well academically etc BUT we have intermittent idiocy and have done since he was small; if there's trouble to be found, DS will find it.
Last summer, he was given a head's detention ( 2 hours on a Saturday morning) for egging on another student to look at adult websites whilst at school. This summer, another head's detention for secretly recording a "friend" saying horrible things about another student, which DS then sent to the other student on Instagram. This took place when DS was meant to be at a school club; school contacted us and told us DS hadn't attended, but DS still swore blind he had - he's started telling silly lies to cover things up ( like saying he hasn't had exam results back, when he hasn't done well).

At home, he spends the majority of his free time on his own in his bedroom. He's snappy, nasty to his ( older) sister, answers back, moody, uncompromising etc.
His form tutor has earned him that he needs to choose better friends and make better decisions, but it appears to have fallen on deaf ears.

We've removed his phone and stopped his allowance, but like the OP, the long summer holidays are looming and we have no idea how to handle him.

My boys are older and have turned out great. Only advice I'd give is stick by them, let them you you might not approve of the daft things they are doing now, but you are consistent in loving them and caring about them. Be steady, even if you want to scream.
Expecting them to have solid career aspirations is not realistic. Hoping and encouraging them to keep working in school is.
Good luck, but don't give up. They grow up eventually. Don't pile on the pressure, they have that 24/7 with social media. They live in a different world to us.

That's heartening @ssd! We're at the awkward stage where they think everything is their choice, and we still feel responsible. Mine insists that 13 year olds should be able to do basically exactly as they like. I hope this is just bravado. He can't even remember to clean his teeth.

azaleanth90, that sounds perfectly normal to me.
I think being patient with them is soo hard

Presumably this school is costing you a lot of money. He is acting spoilt and entitled as he's in a school you're providing for him and taking advantage of it. You need to threaten to remove him if he doesn't buck up. I think you also need to consider if being apart from him in the week is appropriate given the issues.

I dream of boarding school.

Don't mind the hijacks - solidarity in dealing with similar issues and I'm happy to learn from anyone who is having success (or got to the other side!)

Ssd - I think you are right that he needs guidance and support. Have asked school to help and they are doing so - combined efforts of housemaster, peer mentors from older years, counselling team. I just hope he doesn't use up all the good will. I fear for every phone call and email. This week it's one thing, we deal with that and next week it's something new.

Sounds like the general view is keep him on side ... stay calm etc. That's how I'm feeling because want to keep communication lines open and have some chance that he will hear advice. But so hard - don't want him to think any of this behaviour is acceptable but equally want him to know have faith he can recover and put it right.

So my current approach ...

Over summer will up the family chores (unpaid) so he gets some sense of accountability and responsibility. None of his own money (as that's how he had enough to buy the vape etc). Will try to keep knowledge of where he's going and with whom. Invite some of his friends over (although apparently it's boring at our house). Keep an eye on social media etc. But realistically he'll be out on his own, go to friends, meet up at some point so lots of opportunity to make wrong choices 😔

On positive front we are hoping to do some days out and a weekend away with him. He used to enjoy going to theatre. Maybe a couple of theatre trips with us. Really just about trying to do some stuff that helps us connect rather than him on his phone or with friends and ignoring us. DH May be able to persuade him out on mountain bike. (He'd have loved that a year ago, now uncool and won't do ). DD is older and away most of summer, but we might get a week's hols at some point.

I'm considering signing him up for a residential camp/outward bound type thing for a week. He says won't do but I need to fill out time and reduce time he can get into trouble. Also thinking if adventurous enough he might be proud of himself for doing. And finally my brother and sis in law say they will have him for a week and he can help them in garden and they will do some stuff with him. (Older kids so he'd be on his own - but he does like them and they know he's been getting himself in trouble).

I'm open to all ideas! At my wits end.

It sounds like you have a good plan there, although of course he'll fight you with most of it!!
14 is such a difficult age, he wants independence but has no idea how to handle it.
Keep going and believe in him, he's still that decent kid underneath the bravado and the nonsense. I'm sure he's not the only kid who warrents a phone call home or two.
Maybe the people at school keeping an eye on him could be giving you a bit of reassurance too, they must have came up against this behaviour a million times?

That sounds like a great plan. Mine would physically refuse I fear- we have had several confrontations about family occasions when we have had to give up bc he won’t go :(

At 14 they want their phones, a dark bedroom, good WiFi, food.
That's about it!!!
Trying to have nice family days out they enjoyed last summer just doesn't cut it.
They will drive you mad.
Let them be, they come out of their rooms eventually.
Usually when girls come into their lives.... Then you worry about that!!!

Thanks for the realism ... you are right he will refuse it all, won't he? And I will have battle. Need to lower my expectations. Ssd is right he won't want to do any of the things did last year.

Thing is under surface is my lovely enthusiastic happy boy. I just can't see him 99% of time 😥

Over the summer can he do jobs for you in house and garden to earn a small amount of money, or points/credit towards something he wants? It might help him get a sense of 'earning' which might encourage him to think about his future.

I've found teenage boys rarely turn down being taken out for breakfast. Who doesn't love a fry up - you might have to wait until late morning however - sleep comes first. I find it's easier to talk to them when sitting at a table, working on building up a relationship. Good luck !

ItsReallyOnlyMe, teenage boys want breakfast around 2pm😂😂

What they want is Nandos, trendy pizza places, trendy dessert places.... Basically anywhere expensive and a bloody waste of your money!!!

There are 'all day breakfasts' available everywhere if getting out by midday is a problem - and less than a fiver as well.

I wouldn't consider this a waste of money; it is intended to improve relationships which is surely beneficial for all.

Mine won’t go anywhere with me. Even breakfast or Nando’s.