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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I snapped and sat on DD14

40 replies

notatwork · 13/05/2019 16:28

She's awful to us every day. We walk on eggshells. I love her but I really don't like her any more.
She was very tired yesterday as she'd had a DofE thing the night before. So when in mid afternoon she turned from a human being into a screaming dervish I minimized and got DS(19) out of the way and made a sandwich and a glass of milk for her and gave her time to calm down. Apparently this makes me a fat bitch.
It took her 15 mins to eat her sandwich ('crap') while watching something on her phone. Then she headed upstairs. She decided that she'd like to have a bath and on finding that DS was in the bathroom proceeded to scream obscenities at him through the door. I went up and told her to be quiet and that he'd be out shortly. She told me (shouting) to F Off.
I completely lost it. For the second time (first time about 6 months ago). I pushed her into her room and slammed the door. Then when she opened it to carry on I pushed her down and sat on her and screamed in her face that I loved her but she was ruining our family and I hated her too. I.screamed.in.her.face. Just like she does to us which is so awful. I basically fed it and made everything worse. I am so ashamed. I apologised immediately and again this morning but we are both shocked. She said she would report it. I said fine. We can't go on like this.
I have a missed call on my mobile from the school.
I've been reading the parenting teens/MH thread and I know that her horridness isn't even that unusual and will pass. Please tell me how to keep calm? She's the fifth and I never felt like this with any of the others. I seem to keep a lid on it so long and then I can't do it any more. I have left the house before to prevent replying to her.. I hate her when she does this. Now I hate me. I'm just exhausted.
Please help.

OP posts:
Waterandlemonjuice · 13/05/2019 16:38

Poor you and her. You know you were wrong but we all have limits and we've all as parents done things we aren't proud of. Well, I have, bet there isn't one other parent who hasn't. You said sorry, that was the first thing. I think leaving the house to avoid her isn't a bad tactic, sometimes, to stop a confrontation. I know I've done it when my ds was younger. Tell her you love her, again. But also ask her what she suggests you both do next. Would she go to some counselling? I have to say I had a very angry ds (called me a c* regularly, locked me out of my own house, made life miserable for all of us) and we made him go to counselling (he didn't want to but I said it was a condition of his coming home at Christmas, he was away at uni) and it has utterly changed him. He is calm, happy and no longer terrorises us all. He seems to have strategies for controlling his temper and we are all so relieved. Good luck.

CabbageHippy · 13/05/2019 16:43

do you think it maybe a hormone imbalance? may be worth a trip to the doctors to check.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/05/2019 16:48

I really feel for you OP, nothing like a stroppy teen to push you beyond the level of human insanity Flowers

Firstly, you’ve apologised for it, so leave it for now.
If she starts again and you feel the rage, just walk out if you’ve no younger dc to worry about. Go for a walk, drive in the car, even if it’s for a few hours.

Lastly, ring the school. If it’s in connection to the event, explain to them what happened. They will be able to help.

And be kind to yourself - they are devil creatures but it will pass

JeezYouLoon · 13/05/2019 16:48

I have similar with my DS also 14, I totally get it. I love him so much but he can be absolutely horrendous.

Usually after one of these 'episodes' he realises how much he's pushed me and I try to learn how to navigate this behaviour without screaming back at him. I'm not proud but I/we are learning.

Bring back the toddler years I say!

SkintAsASkintThing · 13/05/2019 16:49

You reacted in the face of being abused.

I don't think what you did was that bad, you're human. You deserve to be treated with respect, your dd needs to realise this.

She's reported it. What's the worse that can happen ?? You haven't physically assaulted her, well other than sitting over her.........this could be a positive. The start of honest chats and real support for you and a wake up call for her.

Propertywoes · 13/05/2019 16:51

Maybe it'll make her think twice about her behaviour.

zippey · 13/05/2019 16:54

It’s funny how she can report you but you can’t report her. Maybe you both need time apart from each other.

Lemonsquinky · 13/05/2019 16:55

See if school do Emotion Coaching or similar courses to help her manage her feelings. Explain to her year pastoral leader what her behaviour is like and they will be able to refer you for help. There's a thing called Early Help Hub and she might get a referral to CAMHS ( although I didn't find them particularly helpful). But there are services out there to help. You need to explain how her behaviour is making you feel. No one should have to feel like this . It's more than usual teenage behaviour. You all need some outside help. We've been through similar with our 14 year old ds1. He does have autism and add. It's worth checking to make sure your dd doesn't have any underlying causes for her behaviour. Autism presents differently in girls. 💐

IvanaPee · 13/05/2019 17:00

Meh. I’m glad she was shocked. She needed it.

OP you were pushed to snapping point. You’re not a robot.

You’ve apologised. I wouldn’t again. I would calmly tell her that her behaviour won’t be tolerated and that’s that. If that means having to physically restrain her then so be it.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 13/05/2019 17:00

How horrible. Hormones or not, she needs to realise that she is being bloody awful and that you (and the rest of the family) are not her punchbag. And as for ‘reporting’ you - bring it on kiddo. She will only look the fool.

Hopefully she will calm down and you can speak. Don’t ‘Apologise’ but ‘apologise’ -explain that this isn’t the right way to react however they way she has acted has been beyond civil and reasonable and if she did this to anyone outside of her family she would most likely get beaten up.

I have managed to make DS realise that ‘teen brain’ is a bloody nuisance and can make teens act, feel and say things that are out of control. If I feel he is getting that way I stop him and let him know that he is getting close to the line and needs to cool down.

IvanaPee · 13/05/2019 17:00

But you’ll have to call the school back or they’ll think you’re avoiding them.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 13/05/2019 17:07

Did they leave a message? It could be a number of things.

Elllicam · 13/05/2019 17:15

I would phone them back and bring up your concerns about her behaviour.

HollowTalk · 13/05/2019 17:19

Love how she's reporting you - perhaps she could report herself while she's at it.

I agree with PPs, though - next time she's riling you, get out of the house.

Jellybeansincognito · 13/05/2019 17:22

Sounds like you both need some support, try avoid her tonight. Perhaps write her a letter and leave it on her bed?

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole · 13/05/2019 17:27

Ugh I completely sympathize. DSD is 14 and absolutely horrible all the time. Just endless attitude and insults and reckoning we are basically slave drivers for asking her to clean her room or something Hmm No advice, as we haven't managed to chill it at all yet, but I understand how it got to that point.

RozHuntleysStump · 13/05/2019 17:28

I wouldn’t have apologised. She needs a shock. She is the one who should be sorry. Hope things get better. I’ve had similar issues. Funny how it’s totally fine for us to suffer horrendous abuse but you so much as raise your voice and you’re hauled over the coals.

Oblomov19 · 13/05/2019 17:28

Definitely ring the school back. Don't let this escalate.

mrsmuddlepies · 13/05/2019 17:31

I remember my mother losing it with me at the same age. She was ironing at the time and she put the iron on my arm. It wasn't a bad burn and I am sure all the posters on here would say I deserved it and that she shouldn't beat herself up.
I remember though and I remember a thousand vicious scoldings. I hated her for most of my teens. Like the OP I am one of five. She was always busy and fraught. I learned to keep out of her way. We all did.
I know that her friends all told her that she was a saint for coping with so many kids.Many MN posters would fall over themselves to absolve her from blame for losing her temper.
Teenagers can be hard but ultimately parents have the power to be harder because they are in control.
What you did was wrong OP and you need to face up to what you have done. If a father had behaved like you he would have been kicked out of the family home.
Say sorry, mean it and make a promise to both her and to yourself never to behave like this again.

SunshineCake · 13/05/2019 17:33

You must speak to the school. My ds reported something to school. I had a call and she asked me a very open question. I told her from start to finish what I thought she was ringing about and because I told her everything even the bits that didn't make dh look good and made me look rubbish, she knew I was being truthful and she kindly made suggestions.

Pinotjo · 13/05/2019 17:36

Give yourself a break, teenagers are the worst! I actually got involved in fisticuffs with my DD when she was a teenager, she actually was swinging her fists and kicking, I saw red and to my utter horror I punched her twice, we got over it, she never raised her hand to me again and vice versa

Atalune · 13/05/2019 17:37

It’s what you do now that counts. And you know that so put this dreadful episode behind you and move on.

She needs proper sanctions for her behaviours.

Withholding the Wi-fi code
Removing privileges
praise her when things are good
Spend time together

mrsmuddlepies · 13/05/2019 17:54

But when does losing it/snapping etc, so understandable according to some mumsnetters, end and abuse start?
I can see why some mothers are anxious to support each other but punching in the face??!!
it is abuse however you want to dress it up.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 13/05/2019 17:58

Punching/slapping noooooooooo. I’d only defend myself or someone else by restraining someone.

I’m not a violent person - but I’m not sure what I’d do if my teenager (and my 14 year old is bigger than me and a black belt) decided to try to assault me.

TheFirstOHN · 13/05/2019 18:08

I have four teenagers - I am generally quite patient the youngest (nearly 15) can be disrespectful / rude in a way that none of the others were.

If I let small acts of disrespect go, I seem to accumulate the resentment and then I end up losing my temper over what (to him) must seem quite minor.

If I point out to him every time he is being rude / disrespectful, at least he knows he has pushed it and I am less likely to end up seething.

I also try to give him positive attention when he is being polite, considerate and helpful. Some days this is harder than others.

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