I snapped and sat on DD14

[notatwork]

She's awful to us every day. We walk on eggshells. I love her but I really don't like her any more.
She was very tired yesterday as she'd had a DofE thing the night before. So when in mid afternoon she turned from a human being into a screaming dervish I minimized and got DS(19) out of the way and made a sandwich and a glass of milk for her and gave her time to calm down. Apparently this makes me a fat bitch.
It took her 15 mins to eat her sandwich ('crap') while watching something on her phone. Then she headed upstairs. She decided that she'd like to have a bath and on finding that DS was in the bathroom proceeded to scream obscenities at him through the door. I went up and told her to be quiet and that he'd be out shortly. She told me (shouting) to F Off.
I completely lost it. For the second time (first time about 6 months ago). I pushed her into her room and slammed the door. Then when she opened it to carry on I pushed her down and sat on her and screamed in her face that I loved her but she was ruining our family and I hated her too. I.screamed.in.her.face. Just like she does to us which is so awful. I basically fed it and made everything worse. I am so ashamed. I apologised immediately and again this morning but we are both shocked. She said she would report it. I said fine. We can't go on like this.
I have a missed call on my mobile from the school.
I've been reading the parenting teens/MH thread and I know that her horridness isn't even that unusual and will pass. Please tell me how to keep calm? She's the fifth and I never felt like this with any of the others. I seem to keep a lid on it so long and then I can't do it any more. I have left the house before to prevent replying to her.. I hate her when she does this. Now I hate me. I'm just exhausted.
Please help.

It’s Jekyll and Hyde at that age - all hugs and sloppy kisses, or strops and grunts.

Report it? They're well versed in children's 'rights' aren't they. You sat on her to stop her verbally abusing you and your DS. There may be consequences for you e.g. having to go to the school but it might help crack the vicious circle you're in with her, make you keep your distance more. But I agree it's hard - you have to keep your distance more in some ways and be relaxed, but also strontium control and taking no shit, I think some parents struggle with some teens on this. It's a tall order. Give yourself a break.

strong control

She was being verbally abusive. Absolutely. Her behaviour is intolerable.

However, you pushed her with sufficient force that she went over, you SAT on her, and you screamed in her face? So you were verbally and physically abusive?

It's good that you recognise that you totally crossed the line and apologised. But I think perhaps you need to seek some help for how to deal with your daughter's behaviour in a more constructive manner.

Maybe the school will have some suggestions.

Did you ring the school back teens can be challenging. Hope you both ok today x

My dd is al almost 13 and I have tried something a little risky - we are now living boundary free and I am pallying to every little thing she asks and I am being so overly nice. I make her drinks I let her eat chocolate before dinner and she hasnt had to have a bath or shower for 3 nights but she has had a shower and she hasnt eaten chocolate before dinner and she hates me making her a drink and taking it upstairs for her. Most of the arguments were over these things so now she has complete control she has nothing to fight against.we have had 3 days of no arguments and her doing the opposite (right thing!!). I used to take her phone or cut off wifi for bad attitude and one day last week she offered me her phone during an argument and I said I wasnt going to take it - she was so shocked as she had nothing to fight back with!! Obviously we can't live like this forever but she is soo good at school she uses me as a punchbag for her frustrations and by throwing the argument back af hr and not reacting she has no choice but to conform!!

You sat on her to stop her verbally abusing you and your DS.

Imagine this written about a man who sat on his wife because she was calling him names.

OP, it looks like your family needs help.

Can you think back and identify how things escalated?
What could you have done at each step to defuse it?
She was tired to start with...
She turned from human to banshee... What triggered it?

Technically you could be in trouble with social services. As the adult you're expected to behave reasonably. One of ours accused her 18 yo sister of hurting her (they wind each other up and are verbally aggressive at times). But the bruise she showed school was several days old and she said her sister had hurt her the night before. She also said she didn't want to come home. Ss and police were called. The police officer understood but the social worker was quite puzzled that dd would make it up. Eventually dd changed her mind and said she did want to come home but till that point we were being asked to find somewhere else for her to stay the night. They also wouldn't let us see her which was horrible.

The next day we had a visit from another SW who talked to dd. Luckily this sw had two teen daughters herself where the youngest was jealous of the eldest and understood where we were coming from. She closed the case, much to our relief.

But safe guarding is very high profile now. If school believed you were abusing your dd, they could well call social services. That could lead to help, yes, but could also be very intrusive. DH admitted he'd held our 13 yo down and was advised never to do it again.

I do understand, though why this might have happened. But you do need to be the adult and retaliation is not the answer (you know that, of course). There are ways to gain control without becoming emotional. Walking away or not engaging can work. Look for ways to have positive interactions. And try to empathise with the feelings lying behind her behaviour - that doesn't mean you are condoning it. Another thing is to let go of some expectations - maybe you are stressing her in some ways. Or maybe you are trying to control her more as you would a younger child and she needs to be allowed to make more of her own choices?
Basically you might need to change how you react in order for things to improve - you can't necessarily expect to convince her to change directly.

I did call back and arranged to go to school this morning. No SS involvement at this stage but I've been offered early help request which I've accepted. DD being offered counselling and I've been asked to take her back to GP re the rages.I definitely need help as she loses all control when 'raging' and can't self-calm; all my techniques have stopped working and frankly I scared myself on Sunday. I can't go on like this.
School was brilliant.

Why did you make her a sandwich when she was first starting? You entered the dance with her at that point.

When she first started you should have give her a warning shot -

‘Dd your tired why don’t you go and have a lie down’

You bringing her a nice sandwich and a drink is showing her she can act up but you will still coddle her. How is it got to the point she thinks it’s ok to use those words on you. You have to look back at look at how you behaved when she first started exploring trying this behaviour.

I wouldn’t apologise again. In fact I’d have a serious chat when she gets in if she wants to continue to live with you as a family any more as you’re done with it, she is making you ill.

My eldest is 24 and we had our fair share of ups and down but she knew not to cross that boundary, your dd has zero respect for you and you need to start clawing that back by respecting your self.

@notatwork Glad the school where helpful, hope it goes well with the meeting. xx No advice only read the thread holding onto the rope a lot of parents going through similar might help.

She reported you? Make it very clear to her that she now has no choice to sing to SS tune in terms of going to therapy and getting help, otherwise they will take her away. She needs to face the consequences of this now.

She called you a fat bitch and told you to fuck off.

I think you sitting on her screaming in her face is the least she can expect.

She reported you.
I would absolutely remind her that she now must follow all recommendations from school and SS.
She needs to consider whether she will be happy going into care.
She has effectively taken this out of your hands.

Like mrsmuddlepies, my mother used to hit and one particularly bad episode had her losing control and slapping/whacking me repeatedly around the head. This would have been early 80s, so back then you really didn't have anyone to go to - parents were believed above children, and I certainly didn't trust any other adult not to side with my parents. So she just got away with it. Except that I remember and I'll be damned if she ever spends time with my daughter while I'm not there.