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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD brought back random boy.

69 replies

katerose20192 · 27/04/2019 20:16

So, I don’t really know what to do.

DD is in her first year at uni. She’s been back for Easter and went out last night with friends from home.

I heard her come in at 4:30 and she was super loud talking to somebody. At the time I asssumed she must have been on the phone, she sounded slightly tipsy, which is understandable given she’d been out since 7. She continued talking for a while but I decided to leave her as to be honest I didn’t want to see her drunken state!!

This morning, I took younger DS to school and when I came back I went to see her and check she was ok... she wasn’t in her room and her car had gone I assume (on reflection) she must have been taking ONS home.

Anyway I then went into her room to empty her bin and generally tidy up as it was a mess, I found used condoms and some men’s socks.

I haven’t said anything yet but I don’t really know how to approach it. What would you do?

OP posts:

RuffleCrow · 27/04/2019 21:27

Your house, your rules.

Decide what they are. Explain them to her. Explain what will happen if she doesn't abide by them.

Tbh with a young child in the house i'm surprised you haven't done this already.

lljkk · 27/04/2019 21:32

I have mixed feelings. 19yo DS brought a random girl home (in daylight hours, did introduce her & we chatted). She spent night. All fine.

DH & I were discussing the scene in trainspotting when Diane chucks Renton in the corridor. Her parents are completely non-plussed at his appearance, as long as he didn't obviously spend night in her room (!). That always puzzled me...

I think I'm more like Diane's parents than OP. At least my kid would be in a relatively safe place with the strange man. On balance, it's ok by me.

Lunde · 27/04/2019 21:34

It seems like you have never had the talk with her regarding your rules for bringing home dates/sex in your home etc - so you need to have this now and set up your ground rules. Your DD cannot really be blamed for breaching unwritten rules that you have never spoken to her about.

I think that you also need to put your relationship on a more adult footing and not treat her like a child - going into her room when she is out to root around and look for evidence "tidy up" is treating her as a child. Surely she is responsible for her own room?

Also speak to her about the drunk driving issue. This is in my mind the most dangerous thing here. Taking the risk of being arrested for drunk driving and losing her licence - and not to mention the risks of being in an accident need to be spelled out.

ChoudeBruxelles · 27/04/2019 21:37

The fact she is an adult is not the point surely. I would t have a problem with ds having a girlfriend to stay (when he’s older); I would have a problem with him being random people back. I wouldn’t want to have a random person in my house while im asleep.

danicohn · 27/04/2019 21:39

How do you know it's a ONS?? Surely she can be in a relationship and just not tell you...

EvaHarknessRose · 27/04/2019 21:40

You didn't see him and might not have seen evidence. Why not ignore, or just say 'you were noisy when you came in'. And 'are you sure you were under the limit to drive this morning'. Stick to stuff you can't condone. And leave your husbands feelings to him to cope with, not your responsibility, but you could say we need to establish rules with her about boyfriends (hint, need to be the same as for her brother)

letsdolunch321 · 27/04/2019 21:43

No, No, No ...... ONS are not acceptable at all.

mrsjackrussell · 27/04/2019 21:45

Tbf would you be happy if you had a lodger and they brought random men home?
I wouldn't be happy with children in the house. If it's a regular boyfriend fair enough.

applesarerroundandshiny · 27/04/2019 21:51

It's perfectly OK to day you don't want random people in your house without making that a judgement on your DDs sex life.

As you say, your DS has his GF to stay because you know her and its agreed in advance.

Whilst she's at university she can do what she chooses, although I'd have a chat at some point about personal safety in taking random people home if she lives alone.

puppylovebaby · 27/04/2019 22:02

She probably doesn't raise you even know!!
Just have an open chat.
Don't be judgemental but lay down your house rules.
Be brave.. Go for it!

SleepingSloth · 27/04/2019 22:09

I definitely wouldn't be ok with her bringing random people back, especially as you have other children in the house. It would be different if she was in a relationship.

lljkk · 27/04/2019 22:12

Anyone see the recent FBk thread about the teen-boy who brought a girl home for night but Mom didn't realise. Step-dad did realise (saw her shoes in hallway in the morning!) and was posting updates on how magnificent the girl's bladder was, as they were hiding for hours from Mom who would go ballistic if found out. Somehow girl snuck out in the end.

Ginger1982 · 27/04/2019 22:13

Nope. I wouldn't be happy about my DD or DS bringing back random ONS to my home. No way. What they want to do at uni (not that I'd like it) would be up yo them but not under my roof. Established boyfriend/girlfriend would maybe be a different story.

Original poster

katerose20192 · 27/04/2019 22:19

Right thanks, will speak with her in the morning. I definitely need to talk about the driving as that is completely unacceptable and is something I know full well that happened, and obviously something that could have terrible consequences.

I think I’m going to just have a calm discussion about rules around boys/boyfriends/ONS and not necessarily bring up yesterday as a specific as I’m sure she will take the hint as we’ve never had it before. Then obviously enforce the rules from here on in.

I think it will be I need to know who’s in the house, even if that means she texts me and says ‘X from uni is staying over, is that ok?’ As I do thinks she needs to show respect for my house and everyone that lives in it. Also if she has to check/ask do you think she might reconsider her behaviour?

OP posts:

Contraceptionismyfriend · 27/04/2019 22:21

I would not be happy and tell her she is not to do it again.
She can do what she wants at Uni but she was very disrespectful to do that in your home.
If her name isn't on the mortgage then she follows the rules.

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 27/04/2019 22:24

She would have still been over the limit, that's what I'd be most furious about. FFS. And no randoms. DD has her boyfriend stay over, but they've been together for years and known each other since they were 4. But randoms, nope.

PregnantSea · 27/04/2019 22:27

Absolutely unacceptable, disrespectful behaviour. She's brought someone you don't know into your house without your permission in the middle of the night, woken you up, and then driven the nexy day whilst probably still over the limit. That's a triple whammy and I'd be absolutely livid with her.

Yeah sure, she's an adult and she had sex, who cares, but it's very disrespectful of her to sneak someone into your house in the middle of the night. And she was talking loudly, you say, so she obviously didn't care much if you heard or not. I'd be making it very clear to her that she needs to let you know who is coming and going from your house and that you have final say. She can do what she likes at her place at uni.

Also... Why are you tidying her room? That's ridiculous. An 18 yr old can tidy up after herself. I think you're pandering to her too much and that's why she thinks she can do stuff like this. Tell your husband what happened too. Don't keep secrets from him to protect her from her sneaky behaviour. Your daughter sounds very immature for her age.

Echobelly · 27/04/2019 22:44

'So it looks like you had some fun the other night - was everything OK?' is how I might deal.

And while you may not like her bringing guys home - I think perhaps you should look at it in terms of would you rather she engaged in that at home or somewhere else?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 27/04/2019 23:57

Somewhere else.

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