15 year old DSD will not speak/engage with us

[BG2015]

Bit of a tricky situation. My partners DD (lets call her Tia) came to live with us just after Christmas. She's lived with her Nan and grandad for 4 years but they had had enough. Nan accusing her of smoking weed and mixing with the wrong crowd. Screaming at each other, and Tia just basically being awful (none of which we have seen)

Bit of background - She and her mum moved to Australia 4 years ago (her uncle lives out there with his wife) but Tia just couldn't adapt. Nan & grandad went out to visit son and daughter, didn't like the situation Tia was in (Mum had recently married an Aussie, left in the house whilst adults out drinking, no friends and a mum who was more interested in her new DH than her daughter) so they brought her back. My DH didn't know she was back until he saw he walking down the street 4 months after her return.

Anyway it was decided she would live with us so we sorted her room out and welcomed her. My DP was chuffed to bits, he's had a very on/off relationship with Tia since he split with her mum when she was 5 so he was happy to welcome her into our home (my DS also lives with us, also 15). Tia's Mum is still in Australia but no longer with her DH.

We have tried so very, very hard with, asking how she is, how her day has been, buying her favourite food, giving her lifts, DP has bought her study books for her GCSEs, letting friends stay over but she is like a closed book. All we get from her is one word answers, shrugs of her shoulders or "don't know". We always try and eat together but she rarely does, preferring to eat it later on her own. Her Nanna still buys her bags of crap - biscuits, sugary cereal, chocolate that she eats in her room, which doesn't help. On Bank Holiday Monday she didn't come out of her room once!

We are at our wits end. She's pretty, slim and has loads of friends so is obviously ok at getting along with them. I actually work with one of her friends mums and she says when she goes around there she's chatty, giggly and a typical teenager.

She's now threatening to go and live back with her Nan (not happening) because her dad told her off about something, saying nobody talks to her here!!

I feel so sorry for this poor kid, everyone around her has rejected her. We refuse to, but we want her to be happy.

She sounds in desperate need of some actual parenting and she’s pushing the boundaries to see if anyone is going to do the job.

Bags of crap from nana; stop that now. Would you allow it for your son? The occasional treat is fine but not that level.

Meals? She comes and sits with the family at the table. Behave as you would with a toddler, a meal is provided, she can eat what she wants from it but biscuits aren’t an alternative if she declines to eat.

Basically, stop tip toeing around her and treat her the way you do your other child. She’ll feel like part of the family (even if she does rebel in the first instance) and be happier as a result.

Thanks for replying.

I agree! She needs a parent.

She's asked us to buy her things (flavoured water etc) which we've refused to do.

The trouble is, is that she's been very spoilt by her nannna. I've never seen a child with so many clothes. Her room is bursting with stuff. They give her money too.

It is a battle with her Nanna as well as Tia. Then we have her mum creating another battle all the way from Australia. My DP has had to block her as she's been totally out of order trying to tell us what to do from thousands of miles away.

I don’t think she being unreasonable asking for flavoured water if I’m honest that feels a bit petty parenting.
It sounds like she might miss her mum a bit and is also dealing with moving in with a parent that has had an on off relationship with her as well as having to adjust to a new family dynamic and home. Maybe some family counselling would help and trying to build a relationship with her grandparents as well

I don't see the issue with flavoured water tbh, but it sounds as though she has been passed from pills to post a bit and is probably very unsure at the moment. Just continue trying to talk to her, even if you are babbling at her rather than having a conversation IYSWIM. It is going to take time, especially if the relationship wasn't brilliant before. Enforce boundaries, talk to her and just wait it out.

You really can’t understand why she is behaving as she is??

Her dad was so low in contact that he didn’t even know she was back from Australia until he bumped into her in the street after four months! But then moved her in with him and you (who i assume she doesn’t know at all) plus your DS and you expect her to slog in and be all happy.

Conflict all around her with the people she loves most (mum and nanna) essentially rejecting her and the man who didn’t appear to bother much with her now demanding she live there.

And you are battling over flavoured water.

Flavoured water? Not sure why you wouldn't let her have that. She needs a parent but also needs to feel like people care about her, and refusing to buy her something simple like flavoured water makes me wonder what else you're saying no to that is making her feel unwanted there.

It's hard to adjust to a new normal. Have patience with her.

Flavoured water is expensive, and comes in plastic bottles. What's wrong with water or squash in a reusable bottle (which is what my son uses)

We don't buy sugared cereal (she has a box of coco pops in her room). We have our own rules which we have explained to her. No plates of food to be eaten in bedrooms.

The food and drink is trivial really. Last night she snuck a boy into her room (this is the second time this has happened) she says he's just a friend - we don't know how true this is. We live in a three storey house and she is above us so we were awake from about 2.30-5am. My DP kicked him out and now she hates her dad and says no one speaks to her in this house!!!!

The first time it happened it was a school night and he snuck out to a taxi waiting for him, I watched him get in it. Her dad banned all lifts anywhere for three weeks as punishment - all her friends live 3/4 miles away so this was a major punishment for her.

She's very sneaky and lies.

Poor thing. She is dealing with so much. All the upheaval as well as standard teenage stuff. Hormones, trying to work out who she is and where she belongs in the world.. Take comfort in the fact that she is happy and chatty with her friends and just be patient.

Easier said than done I know, and you have a long road ahead of you, but the best thing you can do for her now is to love her and let her know she is family.

I think you just need to keep trying as you are to be honest.
You already hit the nail on the head in your first post saying that from her POV everyone has rejected her.

Her dad rejected her when she was younger, she moved to Australia where her mum rejected her, she moved all the way back to England, where her Nan and Grandad rejected her and now she’s back with you and her her dad who she’s already been rejected by once.

My guess is she’s not getting close to anyone because she thinks if she does she’ll just get rejected again and have to get over it and start all over again in another house with another set of guardians.

Just keep trying, keep asking her down for dinner, keep involving her in things. If you can afford some sort of counselling it would be worth accessing it.
What is she interested in? Can you take her out for some girl time with you? Don’t ask her if she wants to go say I’ve booked us in for this event on this date. Even if she sulks all the way through just try and let it wash over you. It sounds like she’s pushing you to see if you’ll both break and send her away like everyone else has.
Her dad needs to do the same thing to, tell her there going to do certain things and do them so she gets some one on one time.

I think once she’s realised you’re not going to reject her if she doesn’t live up to all your expectations like everyone else has done all her life she might start to come around a bit.

I think you have a lot of work ahead of you though which is why counselling might help.

Shes crying out for help. I totally get that.

When she came back from Australia (this was 4 years ago) she started coming round here at weekends and stayed over quite regularly . We took her away for weekends and out for tea and really tried to build bridges with her. Much easier now her mum wasn't around (her mum has been the main issue - refusing to let her dad see her)

I suppose I'm asking for support and advice, not criticism about what's gone on in the past (before I even knew her dad or her) I want to support him and help her. She's clever and is set to do well in her GCSEs.

I think I would be kinder to her first before punishing her. Neither of you have this close parenting bond with her where you have been disciplining her since she was tiny so start out by treating her like your favourite guest.
Your son has presumably had the advantage of having you his whole life, which is better than cereal or clothes right.

Having a boy in your bedroom at 15 without any parents knowledge cannot go ignored I'm afraid. There had to be some consequence.

I would try and help her with this boy rather than punishing she shouldn't have to sneak anyone in at age 15 its her house too. Tell her you don't mind her having a bf and talk to her about been careful treat her like a teenager. Tell her they can't sleep together but he is welcome to come around if you tell her she can't have him around she will sneak anyway.
I let my dd15 go to her bf house and they watch movies have takeaways go out for walks (kissing) he doesn't kiss in his house respects his dad. he lives with his dad so they do have house to themselves a good bit. The more strict you are the more they push you and do it anyway. Tell her she is underage for sleeping with a boy.

I think you need to kindly help her become an independent and responsible young adult.

So teach her in a fun way how to cook basic meals, how to clean up and tidy up and how to wash her own clothes, fold, put them away so she gets some control over her life and some life skills she'll need when she eventually leaves the nest.

Make sure she has all the basic life skills and a bank account and options to earn money so she can save.

May be let her nan know that you need her support in helping her become responsible, independent and gain good social skills so that if there are any jobs that her nan needs doing she could let her know.

Spoiling a child is ok as long as there is give and take. There is no reason she can't make a cup of tea for her nan or help with the washing up if she is giving money and lots of gifts for example.

I would let Tia have friends over if she tidies up her room and I would let Tia come shopping with me if she wants the food she likes.

Give her responsibilities as that is the way she will gain confidence through achievement.

Good luck!

I think family counselling could help. She's had a troubled life and doesn't know what it is to be a "normal" family

I must have got the wrong end of the stick but if you were seeing her at weekends how did you not know she was back living here instead of still in Australia?

She went to Australia in the September that she would have been in Year 8. She wasn't seeing her dad then. He tried, had a bedroom at his flat for her and had been seeing her quite regularly during Year 7 but then she wouldn't eat something he'd made for her she rang her mum who came and fetched her and her mum stopped her from seeing him.

She came back from Oz in the January. No one told him. He thought she was still over there. We saw her walking down the road. He instigated contact the minute he found out. And she's been coming here ever since.

My son has a girlfriend- she's here loads, even she has tried to get Tia to talk, they all have mutual friends even though they go to different schools.

Her room is lovely, she makes her own bed, changes her bedding without asking, keeps her room tidy, dirty washing in the basket (which 100% better than my DS) She can have friends over - boys or girls, we're very chilled here and she certainly gets more freedom than with her grandparents.

Have you ever sat her down and asked why she doesn't really talk/if she's happy/how you could make thing better for her ? That might open up the conversation if she understands that you are willing to listen to her

@GemmeFatale Meals? She comes and sits with the family at the table. Behave as you would with a toddler, a meal is provided, she can eat what she wants from it but biscuits aren’t an alternative if she declines to eat.

You think treating a 15 year old like a toddler is going to establish a good relationship? I don't know many 15 year olds who would respond well to that.

I'd go completely the other way, frankly, and try treating her like a mature and respectful young adult. Do you ask her whether she wants to eat what you're cooking? Does she have the option to make herself something else instead?

Have you tried asking her why she doesn't engage with you? If you said 'Tia, there's something I'd really like to have a chat with you about when you've got a minute...' and actually asked her how she's feeling about living with you/the situation with her mum/life in general, what you think she'd say?

Do you give her an allowance? She can buy flavoured water out of that if she likes, presumably? Did you discuss with her why you said no, or was it just a flat no?

In answer to your questions, yes we asked her what she likes to eat and regularly cook her favourites. There are snacks available and she will cook herself a pizza if she's missed tea. We explained about the water and she seemed ok with it.

Her dad gives her the child benefit money every month plus I still think she gets money off her Nan.

DP spoke to her Nan earlier and told her what's been going on. Nan and grandad think it's best if she stays here, which is what we want.

I think we're going to sit her down and talk to her.

I wouldn't generally suggest counselling but if you can afford it and if she agrees without any coercion, then suggesting she could have someone to talk to outside of the family dynamic may not be a bad thing. Stress that she doesn't need fixing but that she might find it helpful to vent.

Have I got the chronology right?

Year 7 - living in UK with mum, contact with dad
Year 8 - moves to Australia with mum in September, back to the UK in January, living with grandparents, contact with dad re-established in around May
Year 9 - 10 this continues
Year 11 - moves in with her dad and you, just after Christmas, after a breakdown in the relationship with her grandparents, who compensate for it by giving her lots of stuff

She must be struggling to know if she's on her head or her heels. I'd be suggesting family counselling, although maybe wait for her to get through GCSEs.

I think some of what you’ve written about her is extremely cold.
The flavored water thing, my god. You had an inexpensive (realistic) opportunity to make her feel like her needs were being catered for, like you care about her but instead you refused on the basis of your own beliefs.

She has claimed numerous times that nobody talks to her in the house, I think you need to work on your perception and try to see things from her point.
Do you ever take her for days out just the two of you? Have games nights or comedy nights where you’ll choose a favorite comedian, order take away (an affordable one in recyclable containers of course 🙄) and enjoy being together as a family?

She’s the new person in the fold and she’s been through so much, you guys are all established together so it’s your jobs to make her feel welcome and entice her out of her room and to spend time with you as a family?
Has her father made any attempt to heal his relationship with her? Does he take her out just the two of them? Make any effort to have an interest in what she likes, even if that is just watching funny YouTube videos together?

It galls me to see you say she’s sneaky and lies because so far you have all failed her. Focus on your own wrongdoings and where you can improve things before pointing fingers at a hurt child whose both parents have neglected and abandoned.

Buy the girl some flavoured water ffs.

You’re making her keep her box of coco pops in her bedroom??

Her dad didn’t even know which country she lived in for 4 months and you’re drawing battle lines over flavoured water and coco pops

Poor kid.

But we do talk to her! I'm always asking about her day, if she's done any revision, if she has plans for the weekends. I give her loads of lifts and chat to her then, but it's very one sided. I do think she feels comfortable with me though - she asks me to get sanitary towels and razors which I gladly do.

Her dad loves the gym and she asked him to make her member which he did, she's been with him once so far. He keeps trying. We booked a holiday to Cornwall last year and included her friend, she backed out at the last minute. We were hoping that would have been an ideal time to spend altogether with limited WiFi.

We've taken her out to the pub for tea numerous times Again, conversation is very stilted. Her dad tries SO hard but gets nothing much back.

She friended me on Facebook which I saw as a good sign and I had a card on Mother's Day which really touched me. There are slight glimmers of hope.

Offers of watching a film or coming and having a chat aren't taken up. It's hard work, it really is. But I'm reading all of your comments and suggestions and I thank you.

Often when you're in the midst of a situation you don't always see what others see. I think we both need to insist on more communication with her. I just wish she would be herself and to feel happy.

I've suggested counselling to her dad.