15 year old DSD will not speak/engage with us

[BG2015]

Bit of a tricky situation. My partners DD (lets call her Tia) came to live with us just after Christmas. She's lived with her Nan and grandad for 4 years but they had had enough. Nan accusing her of smoking weed and mixing with the wrong crowd. Screaming at each other, and Tia just basically being awful (none of which we have seen)

Bit of background - She and her mum moved to Australia 4 years ago (her uncle lives out there with his wife) but Tia just couldn't adapt. Nan & grandad went out to visit son and daughter, didn't like the situation Tia was in (Mum had recently married an Aussie, left in the house whilst adults out drinking, no friends and a mum who was more interested in her new DH than her daughter) so they brought her back. My DH didn't know she was back until he saw he walking down the street 4 months after her return.

Anyway it was decided she would live with us so we sorted her room out and welcomed her. My DP was chuffed to bits, he's had a very on/off relationship with Tia since he split with her mum when she was 5 so he was happy to welcome her into our home (my DS also lives with us, also 15). Tia's Mum is still in Australia but no longer with her DH.

We have tried so very, very hard with, asking how she is, how her day has been, buying her favourite food, giving her lifts, DP has bought her study books for her GCSEs, letting friends stay over but she is like a closed book. All we get from her is one word answers, shrugs of her shoulders or "don't know". We always try and eat together but she rarely does, preferring to eat it later on her own. Her Nanna still buys her bags of crap - biscuits, sugary cereal, chocolate that she eats in her room, which doesn't help. On Bank Holiday Monday she didn't come out of her room once!

We are at our wits end. She's pretty, slim and has loads of friends so is obviously ok at getting along with them. I actually work with one of her friends mums and she says when she goes around there she's chatty, giggly and a typical teenager.

She's now threatening to go and live back with her Nan (not happening) because her dad told her off about something, saying nobody talks to her here!!

I feel so sorry for this poor kid, everyone around her has rejected her. We refuse to, but we want her to be happy.

She chooses to keep the co co pops in her room. Along with chocolates, biscuits, crisps.

She doesn't need to leave her room if she has all that does she?

Many teenagers aren't chatty with their own families, but are completely different out of the home. I wouldn't worry too much about that. Much of what you describe sounds pretty normal, and she seems to be polite and helpful around the house.

Try some non-challenging family evenings where you all join in - film and pizza/games evening etc. Hopefully she can relax a bit without pressure to have a conversation.

How does her school say she is? GCSE s are stressful for everyone.

I am surprised that she has managed to get a boy unnoticed into her room twice - how did you not realise? Mind you, if I was being kept awake in the small hours by my DD and any of her friends they would have been turfed out pretty quickly, make or female.

I think you are doing ok by the sounds of it!

A Mother's Day card? How lovely! Hope you made a fuss of her.

Why not plan a few day trips together just the two of you?

She might have been told things about you from her mother which might not be true and she is sussing out whether or not to trust you so just be fun to be with and I'm sure it will all work out.

Ask her opinions, get her involved by giving her responsibilities and lots of praise for everything she does with her own initiative all help boost her confidence.

Give her plenty of daddy own time too.

Good luck!

Thank you.

The first time she smuggled him in was a Wednesday school night, we were both shattered and didn't wake up at all but her behaviour was odd during the morning and then last night we heard them.

I hugged her for her card, I felt quite teary. We will keep plodding on.

Oh I’d insist on making a certain night of the week “family night”. I know it’s so cheesy but of my friends when I was a teenager, there were a few whose families insisted on this just one night a week. They’d get a take away, come out from their rooms and in from the street, put phones down and play funny conversational board games and have a great laugh (even though they’d shuffle in all annoyed to leave their friends) I had wished my parents had pushed a bit harder for quality time with me.
Asking about revision in the car is not the same, I always felt my dad was just making small talk when he did this, or checking up on me.

I’m sorry if I was a bit harsh in my previous reply, it can’t be easy on you either.
That’s so lovely about the card. Just keep going

Neither of you really know her.

Shes in a strange house in a strange family that isnt really hers.

If I were you I would be going for family counselling. You and your dh even if she doesn't want to attend and her separately.

She has had an awful lot of rejection on top of the normal teenage boundary pushing. She is clearly seeking attention in the wrong places if she is sneaking boys into her room.

I think the bottled water is completely petty as well to be honest and a sign that neither of you really has a clue what is going on or how to manage it.

Its going to take more than a pretty bedroom to fix the upheaval she has faced.

I would suggest that if she says you aren't talking to her, then she doesn't see your questions about school or revision or whatever as a conversation, more checking up on her. What does she like doing? If she's a typical teenage girl who likes makeup and stuff, could you ask her for her help with some techniques or getting ready for a night out, or go together for a haircut or nails done? If she has a hobby or sport she likes, ask her to show you. Even if you're not really interested, make her feel like you respect her knowledge and opinion on something she loves. Finding that one connection will be the key to unlocking the rest, the card and stuff are good signs, and a lot of it sounds like typical teenager behaviour. One on one time is important, and don't give up. Tell her about your day or what you're thinking about even if she doesn't give much feedback at first. Ask her opinion, but don't leave it too long for an answer, just carry on talking if she doesn't respond.

I would forget about the small things - food /water/possessions and yes continue to parent the big things as sneaking boys in is crossing the line.
You talk about trying to engage with her through asking about her day. Nothing wrong with this but These questions can be annoying to most teenagers, in my experience. Could you try and take a step back, and instead of questions give praise or small compliments or just 'I hope you had a good day at school', 'I'm here if you want to chat' etc. No pressure for her to engage back but at least she knows you're thinking of her.
She has had so much change and rejection and probably does not feel invested in your family life. Probably thinks what's the point!Sounds like she associates love with material things too. Also sounds like your dsd barely knew her dad never mind step mum and step brother. Does her dad take her out and spend time with her? I would suggest he starts to builds a solid relationship with her first, good luck!