Has anyone actually not given their teenager anything for their birthday

[TomorrowsPrincess]

'D'S is coming up to 15 this Thursday. He's selfish, angry, disrespectful and lazy. He has countless detentions to fulfil at school that have mounted up. He landed me with a £400 bill for a smashed door at school. He smokes weed..... and he told me to kill myself and called me a stupid slag.
I really don't want to get him anything for his birthday because he really doesn't deserve it.
So my question is.....
Has anyone followed thru with the threat of getting them absolutely nothing and if so, how did it pan out?
I don't want to make him worse but on the other hand, I'm not pandering to him to escape another outburst.....
help me please...... 😩😩😩

Don't make empty threats. If you say something then follow through.

How he is getting money for weed?

Hmm! Much as I sympathise with you regarding his behaviour I think he needs more than ever to know you still love him...even if you don’t like his behaviour.

I do t know what (if any) help you are getting with his behaviour but separate or from his birthday. You don’t have to go all out but a card and something as a pressie should be a given.

I have never done it, but I'm not in your shoes. I think I'd buy a card with a heartfelt message in it, maybe a box of chocolates, because I always say 'keep the door open'.

But the 'big present' is surely paying towards the door - and he needs to face up to that and pay some too.

Who is buying his weed, as pp asked?

I’ve been really tempted as my son sounds as delightful! I couldn’t go through with not getting him presents for his birthday but afterwards did comment that he would have had more if he has treated me better. He did look a bit sheepish and cross with himself!

You really don’t need much money to buy weed a few of them chip in a pound or two and get a ten bag which they share.

I stopped giving my son money but it makes no difference- he earns his drags via ‘rolling rights’ in other words he rolls the spliffs in return for a few tokes

Box of chocolates and a card... and an explanation that you wouldve been able to afford a bigger gift if he hadn't saddled you with a 400 quid debt.

He gets absolutely no money from me. I stopped him getting the bus to school and withdrew his bus fare and make him walk now. I keep my money with me or hidden. I've spoke to him about the weed. He gets it from his mates.
If I try stop him leaving the house, he'll walk out or jump thru a window. He's failing school as he really doesn't give a shit about it. I separated from his dad when he was 2 and I'm half tempted to dump him on his doorstep most weeks. I do everything for him and just feel like he really doesn't care.
He punched a wall last year when I tried to ground him and confiscated his phone and he broke his hand and needed taking to hospital...... I feel like everything is spiralling and he needs some kind of wake up call

I think doing this would just make him angrier and more distanced from you and wouldn't help. Have you tried to get help for him to get to the bottom of where all this anger is coming from?

I know how you feel but I think celebrating his birthday is different. It’s not rewarding his behaviour.

My DS sounds quite similar; although there are flashes of nice behaviour occasionally. He just had his birthday and he seriously thought I was going to buy him trainers for £150. !!! I did not; I did buy him some headphones which cost about £20, and got him a card. He was shocked really, but I certainly wasn’t going to spend al that money when most of the time he is really rude to me. The problem with weed is a) it is cheap and b) if they have no money at all they will be encouraged to start selling it to make money. Not good. It’s a real challenge.

I know how you feel but I think celebrating his birthday is different. It’s not rewarding his behaviour.

^this.

Don't give a gift, take him for a day out somewhere. Do something together, even if it's something you wouldn't normally do - ziplining or such like! Good luck.

I've bought him a card this morning and I was thinking of putting a tenner in? Is that so bad?
I know it sounds horrible, but I really don't like him right now.

He stormed out of the house this morning because I dared question his choice of food he was taking to school for dinner. He thought an Easter egg was an acceptable meal..... I mentioned how he should make something..... he mumbled he didn't want to..... I snapped and said 'this is exactly why your not getting anything tomorrow for your birthday'.... meaning his attitude, not the fact he was taking an Easter egg for his dinner. He shouted something (I think it was fuck off) and slammed the front door hard enough to wake the street.

Really hard one, especially with the £400 door in the frame. (pun not intended!)

I think though that behind the agnger is often a slightly frightened kid who doesn't quite know what to do with life, and is making a pile of crap choices. You need to keep the door open to that kid.

Mine is 16, and I am amazed at the things he thinks, so when I am grumpy that he is late in the morning, he genuinely thinks I hate him for being late.

I think expressing love to teenagers is unbelievably hard. I also think they can hate being the focus of attention too. But I do think it is veyr important.
So, I would write a card. Tell him that you know things have not been easy between you for the last few months, but that he needs to know that you love him, and that your door is always open. Tell him you are sorry that there isn;t much money due to the door, but that you do want to celebrate his birthday.
Buy him something small, that he will like. Have a cake and his favourite meal. Let him know that you are doing that, otherwise he may just go and hang out with mates and not come home.

This isn't rewarding his shitty behaviour, it is reminding him that he is loved, which is so important as a teen.

he will revert to shitty behaviour asap, the goal is not to stop it, the goal is to remind him he is loved, so that when he is ready to change, he knows that you are there.

Oh, and stop worrying about food etc, pick your battles.

but I really don't like him right now.

rise above, be the bigger person, you are an adult, he is a kid. Yes of course consequences for actions, but do you love him? Of course, even if right now you don't like him

Thank you for all your responses.
I'm overwhelmed by everything. He is my oldest boy and totally different (obviously) to my older daughter when she was his age.
I'm actively in contact with his school about his behaviour and working with them to try resolve his attitude. I want him so much to shine and become something..... I'm so sad that he just doesn't seem to care. He thinks when I lose my shit, I'm just 'going on with myself' (his words) when he doesn't realise it's because I'm shit scared he's going down a scary dark path.

Have you ever told him that is the reason why you lose your shit?

I found that at around this age, my conversations with ds changed, and I explained my reasoning over some things more.
At the same time, I admitted that there were some things he could maybe have more responsibility over (mainly around phones and screens) and we started to negotiate a different relationship.
But after one incident dh and I had a long talk with him about being half way adult, yet still a child. We all aknowledged that it wasn't easy for him or us to work out where and when he should be treated like an adult and when like a child, but that we were open to keep the conversation about it going. However, there were things that were going to remain under our control as parents, tough, they are not changing.

He did respond well to that, but only slowly and in hindsight!

At this age there has to be some letting go and keep loving alongside the need to still parent.

It is really hard isn't it? Hang on in there.

and he does care.
They do care, but life is so overwhelming at times that they can't do it, and kick off.

one more thing.
My brother was a horrible teen, right through until he was mid twenties he hated home/family/bourgois life etc. But years later aged about 30, he told my mum that just knowing they were there, and that he could always come home, and they would support him, stopped him doing some of the more extreme things he might have done.
He smoked weed for years, and underacheived massively. Then he finally pulled himself and his life together and is now a successful guy, happily married with 3 teens of his own.

@steppemum, that’s encouraging - thanks for the optimistic note! My DS is really difficult, and smokes weed at the age of 15. I feel
Sure that there is the nice person inside, but it is buried deep. Did your brother ever say why it was that he was so anti everybody?

Maybe get him a cake, and a T shirt...
Rather than money..
That way he can't say you did nothing... But your not giving him money for weed.
I found texting my child was easier than the shouting.
Something along the lines of please know that I love you. That this year is the start of your adult life, I want you to do well at school so you get the results, go to collage , uni if you want and a job that earns a living that means you can follow your dreams.

No, but we did cancel a birthday party.

As above, only threaten if you will follow through

I would just give a card, and like someone suggested up thread, some chocs. I have a 15 year old weed smoker too, I sympathise

My DS is 16. One of his friends came into school on his birthday and told them his mum hadn’t bought him anything.

All the friends took a fiver in the next day for a present for him.

Don’t not get him anything.

I have a 15 year old.

Being very honest, I don’t think you should have responded the way you did over him taking an Easter egg to school. I would have just laughed and let him get on with it. He’s old enough to sort food out when he gets home or otherwise if he’s hungry enough. Pick your battles...

But I can see this is the final straw in a long list of horrible battles.

I think you need to get right back to basics. I agree with the idea of doing something for his birthday - just the two of you.

And I think it’s important to explain why you are angry about things, what you fear for him for the future etc. At this age it’s all about communication. I appreciate its very difficult if you don’t even have a good starting point.