Has anyone actually not given their teenager anything for their birthday

[TomorrowsPrincess]

'D'S is coming up to 15 this Thursday. He's selfish, angry, disrespectful and lazy. He has countless detentions to fulfil at school that have mounted up. He landed me with a £400 bill for a smashed door at school. He smokes weed..... and he told me to kill myself and called me a stupid slag.
I really don't want to get him anything for his birthday because he really doesn't deserve it.
So my question is.....
Has anyone followed thru with the threat of getting them absolutely nothing and if so, how did it pan out?
I don't want to make him worse but on the other hand, I'm not pandering to him to escape another outburst.....
help me please...... 😩😩😩

Thing is, you are in a spiral and someone needs to break it. It has to be you, because your the adult.

I see a lot of similarities between this age and toddlerdom. Same frustrations of not being able to do what they want to do, same irrational behaviour, same tantrums. Helps me to cope in my head to think of it this way. DS2 was the tantrummy one of mine, and he is the one who kicks off at me the most. Choose your battles - you’ve got yours cut out for you with the weed and door. It’s too easy to get stuck in a negative cycle, and everything becomes a battle to fight (and realistically probably should be fought, but who wants to live in continuous conflict?)

Definitely use the bulk of the birthday present towards the door.

I’d let the Easter egg go. Was that lunch? Mine would rather go hungry than make himself something. That’s just being a twat though. Makes no odds to me.

I got him a card, wrote a message in it about had he treat me, the family and the home better he would have got more, but gave him a tenner. He's calm..... done his chore that I put on the white board for him.
His 'father' hasn't so much as contacted him. I'm in this battle alone. My partner has taken a step back and I've asked him for him to remain in the background. He's been extremely angry about my sons behaviour towards me and I'm sure if he had his way he'd probably want to 'knock some sense into him' but I won't let that happen.
My birthday, earlier this year, my DS called me a slag and told me to kill myself..... THATS what I'm finding hard getting my head round. His father was physically abusive to me but he never said things like that. I've never been called such names by someone so close to me.
I'm going to take baby steps...... each day that I don't get a call from his school is a step forward..... I think I might set him some goals to try lure him away from his smoking friends......
Maybe if his school reports improve by the end of the year then give him a treat of his choice ( within a budget)
Thank you all for your input...... you don't realise how lonely it is for me sometimes..... I don't disclose any of this to anyone in RL and I struggle.....
I'm sat here crying coz I just want a nice easy life with no problem kids...... I have an 11year old who I'm currently fighting to get an autism diagnosis for.... 5 kids altogether and one very emotionally tired mummy.
I've thought about running away more times as an adult than I ever did as a child 😢

You sound like a very thoughtful parent.

He must be feeling rejected if his father hasn’t been in touch. We sometimes forget they have to deal with the other (lack of) parent too.

From what you’ve said you’re getting a lot right. Try to focus on the positives - with yourself and with your DS. It’s goes such a long way.

It sounds exhausting and a struggle. He is probably hurting inside that his dad isn't interested making him feel angry.
I'm sure you are doing this anyway but make sure you do "catch him being good" and praise/thank him for any little thing he does well as you go along to encourage more of it. You did the right thing marking his birthday. Has he seen a counsellor or been referred to CAMHs as that might help.

If is really hard; I sympathise absolutely. I keep telling mine that I do love him even though I am sad about his behaviour. He isreally horrible sometimes and it makes me so sad. I guess we just have to carry on trying to be adult; trying not to take it personally and recognising that they blame us often because they are angry and need someone to blame.

I think you made the right decision OP.

My advice to you would be to pick your battles though. With everything else that's going on, I wouldn't have made such a big deal about the Easter egg for dinner. I hope things get better for you.

Come and join us on the 'Are teens affecting your mental health' thread. If it's bad, reading and posting may help you feel less alone.

Hugs to you, that’s tough. I also have a 15 yr old DS. It’s like having a toddler in a man’s body!! I would’ve done similar to you re give a small gift and explain why. I know I’m lucky and my DCs don’t give me too much grief but it’s still challenging parenting teens as there’s always pushback.
Agree w those who say pick your battles. I prob would’ve said similar re the Easter egg but maybe he was taking it to share w friends and he’d buy a sandwich or chips?