Underage teens and sex,help???

[agalch]

Really would appreciate advice from anyone. Ds1 and his gf have been together for 15 months(ds1 is 16 in Sept and gf is 16 in Jan). Very close and very much in love they say.

Have always been open with ds about all subjects,sex drugs etc. Has told me they are def not having sex and are waiting till they are at least 16 which i was relieved and happy about.

They have just come back from a holiday with gf's parents and he told me that they had sex twice. I feel sick about it And worse it was unprotected. He said he withdrew in plenty of time so not much chance of her being pregnant. Really ds1???

Always told him that if he had to have sex to make sure he and she were protected etc but now he has done it i have told him he must not do it again!!!

What should i do now,feel as though he is at least he came and told me and asked for help/advice but im fizzing they were so bloody stupid.Do i ban her from coming here and hope they don't do anything or point him in the direction of a young persons centre where they can get contraception and help/advice?

Bit of a ramble,sorry x

Buy him a large pack of condoms quick.
Tell him you are not happy and not condoning the sex but FGS he must use protection. If you want to, you could remind him that he is breaking the law and in theory he could end up on sex offenders register etc.Not sure if this would have any effect cos if they've done it they are v unlikely to stop and wait for another 6mo.

And well done for having the sort of relationship with your ds that means he can tell you this stuff.

I understand that your feelings are very strong atm. You obviously have a great relationship with your ds so I think you need to step back and let the young persons centre (or someone similar) take it on from here to preserve your relationship with him. Banning her won't help at all, I think. I understand your frustration and/or anger but it's not helpful to the situation. You did all you could beforehand. Can you talk it over with friends to release some of the feeling in safety away from ds?

Gf can take the morning after pill up to 5 days after unprotected sex and have an iud inserted even longer than that.
At 16 his girlfriend is very very fertile so could be pregnant.
At least he has told you.Perhaps you could offer to see the family planning nurse with the pair of them ?
Could you possiblly approach gf mum-or ask his girlfriend to speak with her mum as really it would be better if gf was as open with her mum as your son is with you.
I think you should be very proud btw of his honesty.

Thanks

I was so sure that if they decided to have sex(which tbh was always a strong possibility) i would be fine with it as long as condoms were used but i am not feeling very fine at all They are still babies at this age. But he loves her and wants to protect her so that is good isn't it?

My RL friends would judge me for not coming down hard so i can't speak to them.I am comforting myself that they have had a good 1st experience ie with each other and in love,and not a drunken one night stand.

God being a parent gets harder th older they get.

Fakeblonde

I did speak to her about the MAP but was too late for that sadly.
I will sort out them going to the family planning,there is one very near us.

I have spoken to her mum recently and she believes that they are kissing etc but nothing else.I knew they were doing "stuff" so was prepared for the shock so don't know how her parents would react tbh.I do feel awkward about them not knowing but have to do whats best for ds and his gf too.

I'd feel they were too young too but children do grow up faster now. Would your partner/you have had a girlfriend/boyfriend for 15 months at his age? To stay with one person that long at such a young age suggests this a strong attachment.

Banning her will not stop them and will damage your relationship with your son, which is obviously a good one. For the same reason I don't think I'd want to tell the girls parents. If it was my daughter, though, I'd want the boys mum to tell me. Difficult.

If he was mine I hope I could find the strength to tell him that as long as he is sensible I was not saying they should stop. The girl ought to discuss it with her parents. You could also talk to him about how many babies are here after their parents practised the withdrawal method and how they would cope if his girlfriend was pregnant. I'd tell him if he loves his girlfriend he shouldn't be risking her future by possibly giving her a baby.

You need custy, algach, she is top at this stuff. Have a search on her name while you wait for her to see the thread.

Thanks tatt

I spoke to her on her own yesterday and told her that as much as he loves her now,if she had a baby she would probably end up alone as the relationship would not survive. She seemed to be being honest and promised that she would wait till she was 16 and ago from there. I know tho that they probably won't wait so will be brave and organise the family planning.

I love his gf,she is lovely and i would hate for her to be pg for her sake too.

I will do sassy thanks

Agalch - your son is lucky to have a Mum like you. I hope everything works out. x

Oh have also had a big talk with him too. I have 2 dd's aged nearly 3 and nearly 1 and i had hoped that having those two around would have given them a reason to not do it/be very careful but hormones are obv stronger eh?

Great that he is talking to you. You must have a very good relationship.

He is obviously serious about this girl, which is a very good thing - it wasn't just a one night stand. And it's obviously going to happen again, so buy him some condoms, and quickly! Just go to the nearest supermarket/chemist and get him some straight away, and make sure that you talk to him about contraception and sexually transmitted diseases. If you get on so well with him it will be better coming from you anyway.

And I wouldn't tell the gf's parents. That's her business, not yours. (Unless she turns out to be pregnant, of course, but let's hope not)

becauseimthefatlady(love the name)

I won't tell her parents because you are right,she has to make that decision.Dh and i are friendly with the parents tho so feel bad that we know and they don't

They are going to the young persons center for advice and contraception on Mon or Tues.They are going to try and abstain(haha) till she is 16 but i have said tis better to be prepared in case the occasion occurs and they are protected.

Thought i was doing so well with ds1,he is a nice lad and that counts i guess.They reckon they are partners for life and hey maybe they are. Wouldn't really ban her btw,was a kneejerk reaction.

agalch - I think you should congratulate yourself on having such a great relationship with your son. There's not many 15 year-olds who'd tell you this stuff you know.

I think having been there once it's unlikely that they'll abstain. And getting 'away' with it being unprotected - well they are very lucky - been there, done that and not been so lucky. I agree with getting him the condoms but making it clear that you don't condone it - you just want them both to be safe.

Agalch - I hope I have the grace/strength to react as you are doing when DS's are older! I didn't know if it was worth mentioning that the coil can be used as emergency contraception for up to 7 days after the event. Perhaps it is too late but just in case?

DS2 was conceived while DH thought he was being 'careful' - hope your DS and his GF have better luck.

Agree with others here though, they should go (as a couple IMO) for contraception advice.

I think i am annoyed at them because i am so open,never thought he would have sex with no protection. But i am just as guilty as he was conceived when we took a chance cos we had run out of condoms So i can see how it happened iyswim. It is hard but it's not the worst thing in the world to happen.

I am lucky that he speaks to me and i can at least help him i guess.

Thanks for all the advice all. Only here can i talk about this,RL is not so kind i have found

Power of teenage hormones agalch. Not to be underestimated!

algach - I can imagine how you must be feeling - you have such an open relationship with your son and he obviously trusts you so much to be able to tell you about what is going on, albeit after the event. It is a shame after all your counselling that he still didn't feel able to protect himself and her by using condoms (I wonder why they didn't after all your advice and chats about it, I am genuinely curious as to the reason, did he/they just get carried away???)How did he come across when telling you, sorry that he hadn't done what you had blatantly suggested he do, worried that you'd be cross??

I think you are doing all the right things, i hope I am as close to my boys when the time comes that they can talk to me like he does you, you should feel very proud of yourself, and you never know, now that the big "first time" has happened they might wait till she is 16 and arm themselves accordingly the next time....

xxxxx

Please don't feel you have "failed" in any way. For two teenagers who appear to be very much in love to have sex a few months short of the legal age is not a very bad thing (though they do need to use contraception). You're handling it all really well. Good luck.

Thanks guys xx

I feel a bit better after reading the replies and having time to think about it.I also spoke to him again today.He feels like he has let me down and that he's failed me too.I have gone over the legal stuff and contraception etc.It makes me feel better that i do believe that they love one another as much as two people that age can.

I know that he has friends who have had numerous sexual partners so it could be an awful lot worse i think.

I think i also was looking for other mums to tell me i was doing the right thing by not flipping out at them. A lot of RL friends and family would have reacted very badly but i saw no point in making him feel that sex is "wrong" although the way they did it was i feel.I definitly don't think it was planned
Bloss or condoms would have been taken on the holiday.Spent too much time together in shorts/bikinis and hormones i fear.

Anyhow whats done is done and i will not punish them for what is after all a natural thing for two people who love one another.Have made my feelings clear and hope they can wait till gf is 16 but if not i know he wants to take care of her and will use protection for both their sakes.

God knows whats next from my 4 little angels!!!

forgive my wanky typing - wireless keyboard is crap.

i think you are doing entirely theight thing by protecting your relationship and the channel of communication between you - this is most important as its all about ubtatly once hey beome lder teenagers you just have to keep thoselines of ommunication open or else you would have no idea whatsgoing on - sunds like you have a fab relationship.

i thnk hoig that they willwait until both are 16 is a fruitless excersse - becuse they wil be fucking like rabbits soon - only in secret.

what i did was this - i explained to my son that ididn;t know her perants very well - expect for that awkwardsmall talk - and that tey may well flip and call the police - at which point he would be arrested for fucking a inor and he would be on the paedo regiter.

told her that too. nd told her i wasn't too pleased with my son being in that Position.

knew they were fucking lie rabbits - and said "ok" bu not openly ad flagrantly at my ouse - IE i ould not sanction same bed etc..
took her to family planning withou her mums knoledge. she made an appt toget the implant the very next week

she told her mum becuase her mum went with her to the doctors and the doctor asked a question like " ell ar you havng sex yet" ( completely not related to contraception i hink she blushed and her mum knew instant;ly - and her parents were completely fine after initial shock.

so lines of commuication
get her down the family planning
do the ting where you know they are at it - but your not "openly" condoning it.

say things like " i've done my bit -no way am i babysittng"

" i hate babies"
"if you do have any i'll be the grandma"

"god we never had any money - kids bleed youdry"

y'know
suble like

Thanks Custardo

I was hoping the guru of teens would come along

I don't have to like the fact that they are having sex but if they are then i want to know they are being careful.

Have done the "no babysitting" cos there would be none as i have 2 lo's of 1 and 3yrs.

If they are both under 16 is it a criminal matter which would involve the police? I thought it was if the boy was over 16 but i'm not so sure now.

Thanks for that.You have confirmed that i have done everything i can and it's the only way to handle the situation.Oh and i am like you,the master of subtlety lol

police could be involved if the girl's parents wanted them to be. However the chance of him appearing in court is slight. However most kids don't know that

Sounds like you have an amazing relationship with your son and you've done exactly the right thing!

Hope I will be as good with my ds in 15 years time!!

Cheers tatt,have warned him of the criminality of it anyway.Not to frighten him but to give him something to think about.

TBH i am more worried that if/when she tells her parents her dad will come down and beat ds up He is very protective(and rightly so) of his daughter.AFAIK from talking to ds1 today she has decided not to tell her mum and dad for the time being.

mylittlestar,i just do what most parents do.Do what i think is ok at the time and worry the rest of the time about whether or not i have done the right thing or not lol