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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

What do you do when they don't want to go out (age 13)?

45 replies

JanartaMeen · 15/04/2019 11:09

Advice please!

I have a 13 year old, nearly 14. They never want to come out and if made to, inevitably cause a huge argument.

We have tried doing trips that are specifically aimed at them and the same thing happens. I've tried getting them into Instagram, asking for ideas from them, geocaching, buying a bike etc.

'I don't want to come, there will be peeeopple. Leave me here and I can't cause any arguments'.

We've tried different methods of transport, in case that was causing anxiety. Still the same. Different destinations e.g. Park, seaside, NTrust, city.

The poor behaviour does get sanctioned, but I have 2 other children and we literally can't go anywhere without some sort of drama. They always do their best to make us late too if we go out. Nightmare.

What would you do? Leave at home? But then they are still quite young (although v responsible) and will say we don't care about them / are excluding from family. I don't particularly want to leave them out of everything.

We have gone out without them in the past, for a couple of hours but I always feel guilt and even miss them even though I know they'd be causing a load of arguments. there are no arguments if they don't come

Honestly, I need some help! We've tried all sorts of approaches and nothing seems to work. Please be kind, a long half term stretches in front of me... Is this normal teen behaviour? Has anyone solved this? Persevere with my little joy sucker? I just want us to have relatively trouble free outings. Do I just need to wait for them to leave home for uni or work?

(They won't go out with friends either as we've just moved and friendships are tentative. However, this has been going on for years, long before the move).

OP posts:

Dickorydockwhatthe · 15/04/2019 12:53

My 14 ds is exactly the sam however I did day to him last week that I would leave him alone all week but he WILL be coming out with us on Friday. Food seems to coax him out so last week we went for breakfast, then cinema with popcorn and then to the fish shop on the way home (he’s into his fish) so that was the bribery at the end.

JustDanceAddict · 15/04/2019 13:37

Def leave at home. You’re not deliberately excluding if you’ve asked him to come.,
Is there anything he is specifically in to so you could book tickets?

Firefliess · 15/04/2019 13:45

I think that sadly you're reaching the end of an era of Family Days Out. You can't be dragging a reluctant teen out every weekend. You need to move to more of a mix of things so you do less all as a family and instead maybe one of you takes the younger kids out to the park or something, or go out (maybe for shorter trips) leaving the teen at home. I think it's only you that's going to feel you're "excluding"them - teens need a bit of time away from being in a nuclear family. Try to think of new things to do together - cinema, meal out, sports, cooking a meal, shopping trip, etc. If that won't suit the younger ones then it may not be all of you together all the time.

It is sad not being able to be so self contained as a family so much any more, but parenting teens is not the same as younger ones.

BarefootHippieChick · 15/04/2019 15:00

I agree with firefliess Family days out start to become a thing of the past once they hit teenage years. I don't see the point in dragging them out for them to spend all day grumbling and moaning 'are we going home yet?' I tell my teen the day before where we're going and what time, then give her the choice of whether she wants to be woken up or stay in bed. Usually she's happy to come if it involves shopping or cake, otherwise she'd rather sleep!

Look on the bright side - it'll be cheaper to leave him at home if nothing else 😆

MariaNovella · 15/04/2019 15:02

I remember my mother wondering why my sister and I never wanted to go on days out during the school holidays when we were 13/14/15/16. The answer was really simple: because she offered us crap days out! We preferred staying at home to the really boring outings she offered us.

Original poster

JanartaMeen · 15/04/2019 15:26

Thanks everyone, it has really helped to read the replies.

I take your point about boring days out, MariaNovella, but they behave the same even when the trip is for their benefit. I have asked them to plan something (books/guides/leaflets/mags/timetables = lifeskillz after all) or think of a general idea and I'll help, but no interest in that either. It's like taking a Dementor on a day trip.

I think it will be a case of leaving them at home then and try to add in some of the different ways of spending time together mentioned above.

Thanks again. We've had a crap day today because we stayed in this morning and I tried to get them out in the afternoon. Up and at 'em with a definite plan and a deadline for being ready tomorrow for Kevin the Teenager, I think. We have the whole area to explore!

OP posts:

MariaNovella · 15/04/2019 15:38

My DD is 14 and she often stays at home alone. TBH, she uses her time quite productively as she is very creative. I would probably be less relaxed about leaving her at home if she were going to spend all her time gaming!

adaline · 16/04/2019 07:36

You say you're offering appropriate activities but I don't know many teenagers who want to go and do their hobbies with their mum and younger siblings!

He's nearly 14 - offer if he wants to come, then if not, let him get on with it. Surely at that age he can arrange to see his own friends at weekends? He certainly doesn't need to be dragged out with you all the time.

NabooThatsWho · 16/04/2019 07:45

There’s no point forcing things or sanctioning the teen for not wanting to come out with you. Nobody will benefit from that.

Ask if there’s anything they would like to do. Then LISTEN to what the teen says. If they say no then accept that.

I know you mean well but it sounds like you are pushing too hard. Your teen is growing up into their own person, they need space to figure out who they are.

MoniqueTonique · 16/04/2019 07:53

I agree with all the comments about flexibility. A very few things I will put my foot down about, eg this week we're having lunch with an Aunt who we don't see very often, and he knows he's expected to come and be nice and communicate! But other things I will give the option. Sometimes when I take the pressure off, he'll make his own mind up to join us, other times he's happy to stay at home alone. He's just turned 15 and getting more into going out with mates, its a natural progression even if it makes me a bit sad

Ragwort · 16/04/2019 08:00

Just leave him at home, it is a difficult age (my teen is now 18 so hopefully we are through the worst of it ) but few teenagers really want to drag around with their parents and younger siblings. I can still remember the utter boredom of family days out as a teen with my younger siblings. The one thing my DS would do would be to go to sports events.

SnapesGreasyHair · 16/04/2019 08:10

I am also starting to give options after my ds12 had a strop about going to see a film he didn't want to see with ds15 and l.

I gave him the option yesterday of coming to see another film and he declined so l just went with ds1.

Day's out are so much harder as they get older as thing's are not geared towards their age groups.

8FencingWire · 16/04/2019 08:18

There are things I ask (do you fancy doing x with me tomorrow) and things I tell her: we are doing x tomorrow.
Cinema, shopping etc, she prefers doing with her friends, I’m not making her come with me.
Big family gatherings, new years’s day walk, getting the christmas tree, our annual holiday just the two of us, practically our traditions, I don’t ask, I am expecting she will come.
9/10 times she will stay at home and I go off on my own though.

Curiousmum69 · 16/04/2019 08:20

Go out without them.

Forcing them its doing no one any favours..

ReturnofSaturn · 16/04/2019 08:24

He's nearly 14. Of course he doesn't want to do trips out with you. Just leave him at home

Original poster

JanartaMeen · 16/04/2019 09:12

Fair enough, but 13 still seems young to me and it didn't feel right going out for the whole day while they are at home, but if that's normal and others do it, that's fine.

I'd quite happily drop them off somewhere to do what they want, but they don't want to do that either. They would quite happily sit in their room all day and I don't think it's great for mental health. No exercise at all. I read about all these sporty, self motivated creative kids and... That just isn't mine. Not expecting much BTW, just a walk or something?!

I don't want them to get to 18 and have no experience of the outside at all!

I take all of these points on board though. I guess it's finding the balance.

OP posts:

adaline · 16/04/2019 09:47

I think if you stop pushing and let him do his own thing, he'll find his own way. Nothing wrong with sitting at home for a bit at the weekend - we all need down time!

I wouldn't want to be forced outside to do something I hated on my days off so I don't expect teenagers to want to either.

Beechview · 16/04/2019 09:55

Bribery?
Strike a deal?
Try to appeal to their better nature?
I wouldn’t leave my 13 yr old home alone all day either.
My 14 yr old always ends up having a nice time so I keep reminding him of that and he’s still coming out with his younger siblings so far.

Dickorydockwhatthe · 16/04/2019 10:04

How about if your 14 year old just doesn't got out and would stay at home and play xbox all day thats what I worry about.

Original poster

JanartaMeen · 16/04/2019 10:04

I agree, I'm a firm believer in down time, but there does come a point where being in your room on your own all day, every day isn't healthy. Won't even get dressed or eat properly unless nagged! Removal of devices helps, but when does that become cruel. Argh! I am struggling with this parenting a teen thing.

I think if they were happy to go out alone or with friends, I'd feel happier. I'm sure that will come. 🙏

Beechview, I genuinely think they enjoy it when they come, even if only a tiny bit! And they gain life skills like navigating bus and tubes, even if they hate me while they do it. We live really close to London, for heaven's sake. There must be something they'd want to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

JanartaMeen · 16/04/2019 10:05

Dickory, that's my worry too. I don't mind some computer games time, but all day isn't healthy surely?! Especially on their own.

OP posts:

BarefootHippieChick · 16/04/2019 10:20

Janarta I'm curious, do they have friends at school and do they see or speak to them outside of school?

Dickorydockwhatthe · 16/04/2019 10:20

He will have periods of going out but then will stay at home for days!!

Beechview · 16/04/2019 10:24

Spending all day gaming isn’t healthy in my opinion and I know that’s what ds would do if I gave him the choice of staying at home.
I’ve probably beaten my ds into submission by telling him how unhealthy too much gaming is, showing him news articles about effects of too much gaming etc and then contrasted it with all the stuff about how healthy it is to to go out.

Seeing as they usually do have a good time, I’d just tell them that we really want them to come and offer them a bribe if it helps.

Hellohah · 16/04/2019 10:25

He's not really gone through the don't want to come stage as there is only the 2 of us so if we go out, it is very much something we both want to do. But a couple of my friends have younger kids (4-7) so through the summer we'll do a picnic and head to the beach etc and I find he likes it if I say he can bring a friend along.

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