What do you do when they don't want to go out (age 13)?

[JanartaMeen]

Advice please!

I have a 13 year old, nearly 14. They never want to come out and if made to, inevitably cause a huge argument.

We have tried doing trips that are specifically aimed at them and the same thing happens. I've tried getting them into Instagram, asking for ideas from them, geocaching, buying a bike etc.

'I don't want to come, there will be peeeopple. Leave me here and I can't cause any arguments'.

We've tried different methods of transport, in case that was causing anxiety. Still the same. Different destinations e.g. Park, seaside, NTrust, city.

The poor behaviour does get sanctioned, but I have 2 other children and we literally can't go anywhere without some sort of drama. They always do their best to make us late too if we go out. Nightmare.

What would you do? Leave at home? But then they are still quite young (although v responsible) and will say we don't care about them / are excluding from family. I don't particularly want to leave them out of everything.

We have gone out without them in the past, for a couple of hours but I always feel guilt and even miss them even though I know they'd be causing a load of arguments. there are no arguments if they don't come

Honestly, I need some help! We've tried all sorts of approaches and nothing seems to work. Please be kind, a long half term stretches in front of me... Is this normal teen behaviour? Has anyone solved this? Persevere with my little joy sucker? I just want us to have relatively trouble free outings. Do I just need to wait for them to leave home for uni or work?

(They won't go out with friends either as we've just moved and friendships are tentative. However, this has been going on for years, long before the move).

Barefoot, no because we've just moved a long way from our previous house. She started a new school in September and is only just starting to make friends now. It's been quite hard as they all had established friendships.

She didn't tend to go out with her friends much before though, so it's not new but we do now live closer to the new friends than we did before, iyswim. She has people to walk home with now, which wasn't the case before as they all lived in the opposite direction. I'm hopeful this will lead to a better social life for her.

My ds (13) is refusing to go out today, I am taking dd (10) and her friend to the cinema and out for lunch. I have said that's fine but he can't go on the Xbox until we leave he came out last week for a day out in London and to go up the shard but stayed at home when we went to the local farm to see the lambs! We are definitely into pick and choose territory!

I have this issue with my ds1 who is 13 with the added complication that he isn't well and cahms have said he can't be left in his own which means this holiday myself and his younger brother (nearly 9) have been stuck at home the whole time. Have managed to get him out once and since then he is refusing to even go in our garden.

Inviting a friend along is a good idea. I think she's scared of rejection at the moment / friendships are unsure. I don't know anyone either,so I can't help with that aspect at the moment!

Do they not go out with friends? We adopt a "you must leave the house at least occasionally" rule in holidays.

We offer but don't force teens to come. Sometimes they will come out of boredom! We also said we would try to have a family day out roughly every 6 to 8 weeks and we'd do a range of activities to suit everyone, but a bit more exciting than the usual walk round the park. So, for example, last family day out was a trip to London where theDC went on the tunnel slide and we then went to the British museum and out for a meal. Other times we might just go out for a walk but somewhere further afield.

I've also found that the teens can prefer one on one outings than trying to find something to please everyone.

EnglishRose, poor you. That must be so tough.

Yes, won't even go in the garden here too. I do worry about her.

2anddone, yes I think pick and choose is the way to go. I may keep a record of opportunities offered, so she can't say we didn't try.

I am the same with my 14 year old. He rarely wants to come out and likes to sit gaming in his room, he does play online with his (real life) friends, laughing and joking so in a way it is sociable.
I sometimes 'make' him come out if I know it is somewhere he will enjoy when we get there. Otherwise, I sometimes bribe- like lets go to mcdonalds (although he will only go to the drive through with me )
I feel guilty if we are out having fun and I know he is at home in his room though. I don't mind if he was meeting a friend or something, but like OP said, it worries me that he is sat inside, not good for mental health. I hope it is something he grows out of!

One on one outings is a good idea. We've done that before too, but the last ones have ended in sulking and tantrums so I'd stopped. Will try again.

Honestly, it's a roller-coaster. A lot of the time I'm bewildered thinking "What the hell just happened?!". I am not finding teens easy at all.

Highstress, I feel so guilty too and miss them so much when we are out, even though I know there would have been misery if they'd come!

It is a difficult age as they transition from children to teens to young adults. I think as a general thing I would offer a choice to stay home or go out with you, but if you do that mostly they will accept the things that are non-negotiable.
Also OP it sounds like you are quite an extroverted personality, and your ds is more of an introvert. If he’s at school “peopling” all week, he will really really need that downtime on his own on the weekend. (I’m an introvert too, with an introvert teen.)

At the same age I thought my street had power cuts frequently I never noticed it was only my house and only on weekends and holidays. Id go out to a friends house and watch TV there so it was almost a successful ploy by my dad.
I'm not sure if you can pull that off these days without being accused of cruelty but a house with no power is boring enough to drive a teen insane if they're not a reader

No, I'm a massive introvert ColdTatty. Massive! That has really made me think! Thank you. There could be a bit of projection going on here. Crap. Thanks. Will be aware.

We are very similar and that is possibly why we drive each other up the wall. I absolutely adore the stroppy bones of her though, I think I've just been trying to find her something that makes her happy and gives her some cool/interesting life experience, especially as I know what I've struggled with in my life.

I was pretty much left alone as a teenager and had no idea how to do stuff like navigate the tube etc. and I'd not experienced it so I didn't have the confidence to do it. Going to University was a shock.

Although, having said that, she doesn't want to do quiet, non people activities either.

Anyway, will back right off. Mix of activities, optional, let her come to me.

Lol at the power cuts, she is a reader so she'd probably manage, but I think she'd be straight in the fuse box.

Thanks everyone. I promise I'm not as bad as I might sound. I'm honestly not dragging her out of the house by her ear to go to a hideous activity for 4 yr olds.

DD 11 can stay at home if she doesn't want to come out. On Friday we're going to soft play for an Easter egg hunt and lunch, on Saturday we're going to a National Trust park for an Easter trail.

She's been at Easter school 3 days a week to prepare for SATs, so we haven't dragged her to anything except lunch in the Sainsbury's café with Granny when she was off sick.

I’m having this with my two boys, they are 12 and 15. I’m off this week and really wanted to spend at least one day out together but they have no interest whatsoever. It’s not like they are out with friends instead, they just want to play on the Xbox. So I have spent today and yesterday (on my annual leave) cleaning the house, mowing the lawn and refereeing arguments between them over the Xbox. Have tried discussing with them numerous times to find something we could do tomorrow as a family but they are just not interested. I’m at a loss and any suggestions gratefully received as although I understand Family Days Out come to an end at some point I don’t agree with them sitting on the Xbox all day and arguing about it

Give them a choice of a few things and tell them to choose one of them.
I’d unplug the Xbox and remove it before hand.

Maybe instead of the going out to 'do things' do something different to what you would normally do at home. Some type of crafty project you can all do together or something? Me and my 10 year old have recently been doing some of those fancy colouring books and just sitting side by side colouring has actually got her to chat to me for once!

I am with you op. I too worry just leaving them to it is very unhealthy.

I think we are a major embarrassment to be seen out with tbh! So they would rather stay at home than risk being caught out with family. It screams no friends to everyone in the world.

What works for us is sports. Get your son organised with some proper sports, tennis, gym, swimming, football and organise as much of it as possible. This has helped get my teen out of the pit of the bedroom at least for an hour or two a day.

Shopping is always a cast iron way to at least take them, they can maybe go off and look around and you can meet for sushi afterwards?

Cinema pref one nowhere near where they live seems to be bearable.

I give my dd a target of seeing at least two friends a week or she comes out with mama. That seems to work, it may be more tricky if you have only just moved.

Dog walking, volunteering, a part time job and a hobby outside of the home are also things we have tried. I sent dd to the food bank for six weeks to help out. Apart from eating chocolate at christmas, she didn't much enjoy it, but at least she was out of the house.

I invite friends to our house with other teens for lunch and dinner too. Then they can hang around with other teens at least for a few hours.

Ultimately they are getting too old for the days out, sad I know, I miss those days. Cities visits are still cool, as are insta sights and holidays if you get really desperate offer to take a friend too.

I don't want them to get to 18 and have no experience of the outside at all! grinwink

I can relate to that, my DD just turned 12 and the concept of leaving the house for any other reason than going to school (which she is aware is compulsory) is just beyond her. I'm sick of taking her out to ruin trips and holidays, sadly she's been like it for a few years. She's excellent at school, can't put a foot wrong, although went ballistic after parents evening when DS mentioned what the teachers had said about her being very good but needing to push herself beyond her comfort zone.

My husband's solution is to remove all tech including her phone. Usually within a few days she starts to cooperate a bit more, although things gradually deteriorate once she has it back.

I am worried she will turn into a sad little hermit who knows nothing about the world but has seen too many pointless YouTube and TikTok videos.

Get them a babysitter, turn off the router and off you go.