13 year old addicted to screens and is a 'recluse'

[PenguinPizza]

I'm having real problems my 13yr DD1 who appears to be addicted to screens. She spends all time when not at school or at the couple of after school things she does in her bed in the dark watching netflix/ scrolling through Instagram/watching vines/studying and memorising lyrics. She doesn't do anything else. It's got really bad. She starts her homework at 10pm and is often awake till 1. She refuses to wash unless I take all devices away and I have to start asking her in the morning and she finally relents and gets in the shower at 11pm and fighting with me all day. Plates and bowls pile up in her room. Clothes on her floor. She can't get up in the morning. She doesn't have any social life at all - just relationships online and one friend she sees once a month. I don't know how drastic to go. Ban her from her room at certain times? Take away her duvet until 9pm so she can't hide in bed? Ban her phone from her room. Restrict her Internet access (don't know how how to do that). Take away her phone until her homework is done (but she just lies and says she doesn't have any). She saw a therapist for two months because she has a 'shop phobia' and can't pay for anything because she's too scared. The therapist couldn't get anywhere with her because she refuses to go out of her comfort zone. She said she doesn't have depression. I think she's right. I think my DD is honestly behaving like an addict but I don't know how to help her 'recover' given that I can't just ban her from all screens. She is diabetic and has to have a phone. Help! How drastic should I go? I am thinking maybe medication might be the way to go given her disabling social anxiety on top of this problem? Just FYI I know I have enabled this problem to some extent as I kept thinking she would grow out of it - she does have a completely normal fully functioning sister who does what she's asked and doesn't spend much time at all on screens and doesn't ever spend time in bed when she's awake! But she is 10!

What does being diabetic got to do with having to have a phone?

Replace the smart phone with a basic handset so she can contact you if necessary, and vice versa?

Can you buy her a basic no internet phone? I’m guessing she needs to be contactable due to her condition

Assume OP thinks there is increased risk of emergency type situations due to diabetes?

Does she have an insulin pump connected to an app on her phone?
If not, PAYG brick with the ability to call and text is the place to start.

She can't spend all that time on social media if she can't access it.

I assume she has an insulin pump connected to a phone app? Which is why she can't take the phone away.

Can you put parental controls on the phone and delete everything else?

Sorry fell asleep! She keeps in contact with me very regularly as we decide her insulin doses together. But she is getting a bit of testing kit in the very near future that will require a smart phone on her at all times. I know NOTHING about Apple phoned. I don't even know how to get into her phone. Can I restrict what's available on her phone or at least how long she spends on it? I want to make sure her internet time is limited to 2 hours per day so she can get her homework done and have some down time. How do I do this? She also has a laptop for homework. I don't know if I should just disable wifi on that and make her do homework research on her phone. Does that sound unreasonable?

Look, I work in an area where we sometimes get asked to help children with internet/gaming addiction. The honest answer is that this is entirely within your control as a parent.

You remove or limit the screens effectively. Its not anyone else’s responsibility, including your childs. You need to protect her from being influenced by abusive adults online.

Your child may have some other difficulties, but the first step would be to ensure you are providing clear boundaries, loving compassionate care in her best interests, healthy lifestyle and willing to ‘hold’ the adult position when she doesn’t want to do things (ie have some battles and prove you mean business).

I have no worries really social media. She's not interested in that really. She's a member of some photography groups and scrolls through photos. I know her online friends are real people as I've seen them on Facetime. I am worried that she has become addicted to 'opting out of life' and I don't know how much to restrict her as it isn't black and white. When you're an alcoholic you just stop drinking. When you're addicted to lying in bed in the dark watching Netflix what do you stop or restrict? Beds..duvets (beds aren't so alluring without warmth)..rooms...Internet. ...blinds? I can't figure out if she's got depression. Or chronic fatigue. Or is addicted to 'hiding' or is just a lazy selfish little terd? How do I know if she needs medication?

So is she 10 or 13

Why are you considering medication but not removal of screen time?!

She's 13 and her "completely normal fully functioning sister" is 10. Perfectly clear in the OP. Why the ?

13 is a tough age for girls, was prob my DD’s worst age in terms of friendships and anxiety.
There’s an app called MyPact that can restrict internet use but I’m not 100% sure how it works. Def worth looking at it.
I would take Netflix off the devices - it’s a real time sucker for teens but ultimately you are the parent and will have to put some boundaries in place esp getting her to do homework and to wash. The friendship thing can come later. I would sit w her while she does her homework, is there an online homework portal so you can check what she’s got? She’ll scream at first I’m sure but don’t back down as it will only get worse.
Btw my dd still not keen on interacting w shop keepers etc but does it now cos she has to.

Can you bring in a lot more positive interaction with her so that you are together more and doing non-tech stuff she might like. Maybe talk to her positively , say you’d really like to spend more time with her and can she think of something she’d enjoy doing regularly together?
Our DD can help at local stables and I know every pony she chats about or she will see friends etc, I think you have to let them get bored with no tech and they are more likely to be busy with other things.
And I would absolutely restrict use of anything on her phone - DD knows she is not to use hers as a form of entertainment during the week and barely looks at it even at weekends. Especially for a child who is not interacting much . Only having it in a family room you all use too would be good too?
I hope things improve as it might take time but I absolutely would take strong measures now . I know one young person in his 20s who his family barely see as he was always on his computer upstairs and it gave him a place to hide rather than to have to face and interact with the world.
An activity holiday might be helpful way to break the cycle? Or new sports you take part in as a family and she could choose which one?

Why have you let this happen? Take the phone away replace with a Nokia phone with no functionality. Cut the WiFi. You must must must not ignore this honestly its madness you've let it get to this point. Be a parent.

Do a plan for the weekend that involves lots of doing things and no screen time. Get out and about in the fresh air. Feel so so for your dd.

If you don't want to switch off the WiFi, there's a way to block individual devices, using their MAC IDs. I have no idea how to do this but do know it can be done.

You mention she is diabetic. This is a really difficult condition to manage at 13 and I'm guessing adding to her anxieties.

How is she managing her diabetes? Is she self conscious to inject in front of peers? Does this stop her interacting with peers?

I ask because my DS is type

Basic phone calls only phone, no tablet or cell, sign her up for more activities, force her to shower and take care of herself and clean her room. Honestly though if this was my child I would send her to boarding school.

She was diagnosed in December - type 1. But she was really poorly for about 15 months before being diagnosed. We were back and forth from doctors being fobbed off so I got in the habit of letting her rest a lot because I knew there was something wrong but didn't know what. She manages it really really well and will soon have a device that connects to her phone that tells her her blood sugar levels so taking it away at any point won't be an option. I thought when we found out what was wrong with her she would feel better and 'bounce back' but if anything it's got worse. I have suffered from chronic fatigue and other health problems for years so I guess I've just assumed she has the same problems and let her rest. But my good intentions seem to have created a person that is only just barely functioning. Thank you for all the kind replies and suggestions. We do need to do something together it's true. Her new diabetes kit will just need Bluetooth so I could stop her data allowance and restrict her WiFi access on her phone. I worry that I'm cutting her off from her only friends but I would prefer her to have 'real' friends anyway. I am going to phone the school to find out how I can be kept informed about what homework is being set and when it's due. The school doesn't help unfortunately as there are no consequences for being late or not handing in homework so it's all on me to try to discipline her and I find it really hard. The reason I mention medication is that if this were an adult behaving like this, they would just be diagnosed with depression and given antidepressants so I'm not sure if I'm just being blind to this possible reality? I don't want her to take antidepressants but what if they helped her? Am I right to withhold them purely because I don't like the idea of them? I've been taking them for 10 years as depression runs in my family and I will never come off them. So sometimes I wonder if I'm just denying a sick person medicine by not insisting she take some? She isn't suicidal and doesn't talk like a depressed person though. She just has ZERO motivation physically and no self discipline and is very very anxious abut nearly everything. Plus she gets constant migraines and aching limbs. I don't know what to make of that though. I'm sure i would feel ill if i lived like her. Plus her sister is always achy and tired but she just gets on with it regardless. I find striking a balance between tough love and looking after someone who may have a mental and/or physical illness is almost impossible. But obviously I realise that even unwell people must meet the basic requirements of being alive - washing, interacting with people, getting out of bed when they are able. And of course I know it's my responsibility to get her to internalise that stuff. I've just never come across someone so determined to just rot away alone - well except people with depression!

This sounds really good you are going to make changes and sorry you’ve had difficulties yourself too.
It doesn’t sound good about the aches and I would want to sort that too- I am not a doctor so a visit there would be helpful I expect but I would be tempted to give both girls (and you ) vitamin D3 if you haven’t been taking it over the winter, and also magnesium which you can apply as a spray as a high proportion of people are short of this and it would cause aches too.

Re achy limbs, my 15 yr old dS has had this for a couple of years. We’ve been through bloods etc but I’m taking him back to GP next week as he is saying it’s affecting concentration in class and we’ll go privately for physio/further tests if necessary as nhs not interested in helping further. He was low in Vit D and had supplements but that didn’t help much. We were told it’s due to rapid growth - which is true as he’s very tall now.

Sorry to hear about your son. The NHS are amazing for normal acute problems but completely useless for chronic ones. I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which does mean I'm tired a lot. And DD1 is very flexible so its likely she has it too. But I still push myself everyday to do the things we all do and I don't know how to get it across to her that 'I'm tired' isn't an excuse to just opt of your life. I'm pretty sure she's going to be tired forever but I don't her to just give up. Plus I don't want to end up caring for her when I know she could push herself more. There are loads of supplements that I think would help (I take 15 different ones every day that all help hugely) but she also has reflux and can't swallow a tablet. I just despair sometimes! I've just been to the shops to buy gluten free stuff. I want to trial a gluten free diet to see if her aching and fatigue reduces. Even though her celiac test is always negative. I'm just about to go into her school to ask for homework help. I'm going to change the Netflix password so she can only watch it in the lounge on the TV. I have also banned earphones in the house. Hopefully this might help. She has been taking d3 chewy vitamins for 5 years but they don't seem to help sadly. We all take d3 daily in our family.

Hilariously I went into the school who told me they had decided to get rid of homework in the summer term for years 7, 8 and 9 so I won't be able to implement any homework routine until September anyway. But they do have tests in June so at least we can sit down together and agree a revision schedule after the holidays and I could involve myself in testing her on what she's learnt. I've looked into what supplements come in capsules you can open and will start her on st John's wort or another natural antidepressant mixed into peanut butter and see if that helps.

This might be useful on magnesium too.
www.mercola.com/calendar/2018/magnesium.htm
Are you sure about antidepressants as surely that needs to go via the GP?