13 year old addicted to screens and is a 'recluse'

[PenguinPizza]

I'm having real problems my 13yr DD1 who appears to be addicted to screens. She spends all time when not at school or at the couple of after school things she does in her bed in the dark watching netflix/ scrolling through Instagram/watching vines/studying and memorising lyrics. She doesn't do anything else. It's got really bad. She starts her homework at 10pm and is often awake till 1. She refuses to wash unless I take all devices away and I have to start asking her in the morning and she finally relents and gets in the shower at 11pm and fighting with me all day. Plates and bowls pile up in her room. Clothes on her floor. She can't get up in the morning. She doesn't have any social life at all - just relationships online and one friend she sees once a month. I don't know how drastic to go. Ban her from her room at certain times? Take away her duvet until 9pm so she can't hide in bed? Ban her phone from her room. Restrict her Internet access (don't know how how to do that). Take away her phone until her homework is done (but she just lies and says she doesn't have any). She saw a therapist for two months because she has a 'shop phobia' and can't pay for anything because she's too scared. The therapist couldn't get anywhere with her because she refuses to go out of her comfort zone. She said she doesn't have depression. I think she's right. I think my DD is honestly behaving like an addict but I don't know how to help her 'recover' given that I can't just ban her from all screens. She is diabetic and has to have a phone. Help! How drastic should I go? I am thinking maybe medication might be the way to go given her disabling social anxiety on top of this problem? Just FYI I know I have enabled this problem to some extent as I kept thinking she would grow out of it - she does have a completely normal fully functioning sister who does what she's asked and doesn't spend much time at all on screens and doesn't ever spend time in bed when she's awake! But she is 10!

She has only been diagnosed with the diabetes for a relatively short time and it's a big shock to recover from. Are you able to access any support from local organisations or Diabetes UK? It might help to talk to other people in the same position and perhaps even get some trained counselling support to come to terms with a major life change.

I'm not a healthcare professional, but it does sound like she is quite physically inactive. This could actually be the cause of some of her aches and pains. You could ask your GP about a graded exercise plan. Or if you feel more confident, how about getting into a routine of evening walks? Your DD could take her camera and try to take ten new photos a day. It's a really good way to improve as a photographer and gets away from screens, gets her outside and gives her a bit of exercise.

You should be able to set limits and block specific websites via your internet provider. Log into your account with them and see what they offer. Some will allow it to be blocked at certain times of the day for homework, turning of access to specific devices after a certain time etc. It also takes seconds to turn on/off access to a website, so you could allow her access after she has tried something out of her comfort zone.

I wouldn't rush to medication. I would try and identify where the issues are coming from. A health issue can be a big shock and cause anxiety.
And anxiety can be crippling. The worst thing is to hide from the fears as they get bigger and scarier. Lots of talking if possible to try and unpick what she is afraid of. She may be depressed, but it may be more anxiety causing this. Not easy to deal with but a reduction in screen time (not a total ban, especially if that is where her friends are) would be a good start....

Don’t go down the medication route yet.
Try all the things you want - talk to her and negotiate a plan of action. Maybe draw up a timetable or list for her to get her a bit more structured with her evenings.
You mentioned a photography group - does she go out and take photos too? Try to encourage her. Accompany her to places she’d like to take photos.
How about a youth or hobby group once a week. Something like guides, scouts or cadets? That would help her to get more out of life and make new friends.

You can over dose on vitamin D. It can make you really lethargic and feel like you are dying.

I'm sorry to say but at 13 she knows right from wrong, and she knows her own mind . You cannot help her if she cannot/ does not help herself too.

Limit her WiFi access and screen time and try to spend some one on one time with her.

Diabetes support groups are a great idea and I'd also recommend a trip to the GP.

Can you arrange something for her to do with her friends? Invite to a board games night maybe?

Will she need her phone overnight when she gets the pump/implant? If not there's still no reason for her to have her phone in her room.

She shouldn't have any devices in her room when she is supposed to be going to sleep and needs to stop using them at least an hour before sleep time.
Most friends with teens have a rule that all devices are left downstairs at bedtime. Most comply but if they don't, they get locked away.

She's been diagnosed with a life altering condition which will take some time to adjust to. Does diabetes UK offer any counselling or other services for young people?

It could be that she is depressed but don't forget that being lazy and grumpy is also pretty normal for teens. It's often so hard to unpick what's developmentally 'normal' and what could be signs of a mental health problem.

She's young enough that you can take control of this and make decisions in her interests. Get it sorted now before GCSEs etc get going.

Allow her 1/2 hr screen time on a school day and 2 separate 1/2hr sessions on a non school day. All gadgets charged up downstairs at night so you can check what she has been up to. Your house, your rules. She does what you tell her.

I have a 13 year old - screen phone and table are downstairs at night and if they come down for them ( DS been known to) they get locked away with me.

Get her to to do her homework well before 10 pm and get her to bed at a decent hour.

I also think trying to get her to a support group and possibly trying to get her to some other groups could help - (guides drama school after school activity ) - type 1 is going to be a shock and take some getting used to for her.

I'd also talk to her school see how how she's getting on there as well - see if there is any support they can offer.

Thanks everyone. The evening stroll is a great idea especially now when the evenings are lighter and we do have a dog. And adding photography into that is a great idea. Unpocoloco2 I agree to some extent. I used to do absolutely loads with her when she was younger but I've always really encouraged all 3 of my children to be independent and do stuff for themselves. At 13 my parent's job with me was pretty much done - I had a job at the weekends, made all my meals, bought my own clothes, got myself to school etc. I thought I'd be reaping similar rewards with DD1 by now. But I'm starting to see that this is not immaturity but mental illness and its a disability and she essentially still needs the care I gave her when she was 4 for now. She is almost like a toddler. I used to get angry and shout at her and endlessly punish her but that doesn't work either. I'm just tired. I thought I'd be having more of a break from this sort of childcare by now and maybe thinking about what I'd like to do with my own life. But I'll get over it.

13is a tough age, maybe you were very independent at that age but many are not, my dd definitely wasn't.

Coping with a new diabetes diagnosis and the lifestyle changes it involves is a huge thing and I think in many ways it's harder to be diagnosed at that age than if younger. Add in anxiety and issues with friendships and school and no wonder she needs her mums support.

I would say that my dd needed a lot of support until age 19. Maybe you can help her to be able to cook a family meal each week to build her skills and confidence and to help you out.

You need to get more tech savvy my dds phone is completely restricted. She can't access safari on it at all and all her apps have time limits. It is also linked to my devices. It's very easy to do. You should reset her devices and take them to an apple store someone will be happy to show you how to restrict it.

She's recently been diagnosed with a permanent life changing condition, and at an age when she's hitting the worst stage of adolescence. Does she have a diabetes nurse who could help her access some counselling? Honestly, I think most of this is to do with the diabetes diagnosis - she is probably feeling extremely vulnerable and believes that normal teenage life is not possible for her. She needs support, not punishment.

A friend of mine has a DD who was diagnosed with T1 diabetes at age 9 and she has needed counselling and support. Imagine how much worse it must be at 13. Be kind and get your DD the help she needs.

Thank you everyone. I agree that this more about me than her in some ways. I've withdrawn a lot of support believing that it's unhealthy to help a 13 year too much because it would stop them maturing and becoming independent and also because she should be like I was. But I need to adjust to the fact that she is very different and will need intensive support for many years to come. I'm a type 1 diabetic too so it's not been too terrible for her. She is a natural home bird with no desire to be out 'being a teenager'. She's a quiet soul who likes reading and drawing but I think her natural introversion and quiet nature has gone too far. She knows type 1 diabetes doesn't have to be a big deal because she's seen me living a normal life since she was born, eating normally and with no diabetic complications after 20 years. I help her lots with her diabetes. But it is a shock for anyone of course.
I think I need to get help with her phone because I'm clueless really.
She's had a much better weekend. She came out with me to the shops and played tennis with me so I feel a bit more positive. It's definitely more to do with me accepting that I can't just step back now, she still needs intensive support and she needs my help. I was looking forward to a bit more independence myself but I realise I need to let that go.

If you put the Qustodio app on her phone and yours, you can just switch it off and be in control. Google Play Store

Well done OP.
I have been through similar issues with my dd - trying to insist she got a job after A levels when with hindsight she simply wasn't well enough but I didn't really see this or understand it.

It made a huge difference to my dd when dp and I stopped trying to push her to do stuff and get cross when she didn't and just both got behind her so she felt we were on her side and trying to understand her issues. Teens can feel lonely enough without feeling alienated from their parents 😔.

My dd now does have a part time job alongside her course and is unrecognisably improved after just 7 months. It's not helpful to compare your dd to other people's children or even to yourself as a child. I have been guilty of this. My attempts at "tough love" were very misplaced. Just work on supporting her and if she needs more support than other kids for a while so be it. Giving her extra support now will give her a better life in the future and it will all come good.

Playing tennis together sounds lovely OP and a very healthy and positive thing to do. I wish I could play!

I did an art workshop with my dd on Mother's Day and we both loved it.

Thanks everyone :) The diabetes diagnosis does make it tricky to tease apart what is normal teenage stuff, general anxiety and diabetes related emotions. We do work closely with her diabetic team who are lovely. She will need her phone with her at all times day and night because soon she's getting a continuous glucose monitor that hooks up to her phone. So I will need to get to grips with her phone and restricting apps. Its my mission tomorrow to get it sorted. I thought we could sit down and do it together so it doesn't feel like such a punishment but more like a positive life choice...bit corny :) I've changed the Netflix password so that she can't have it on any of her devices. It's only on our Now TV box which I'm going to use as a reward for getting her homework/revision done by 10pm. Can't stop her staying up all night reading but can't control everything!

On an iPhone you can restrict when apps can be opened and how long they can be used for. Update her phone to the latest iOS and go into settings and then into screentime.

My DS has a "social" phone and a "T1D" phone. I know that sounds really extravagant but we really wanted the delineation between the phone which is vital to managing his medical condition and the one that can be treated like a normal teen or preteen phone. He has the bare minimum of apps on his T1D phone (Dexcom, Carbs and Cals app, etc).

I like the pp's idea of walks with photos. I did this a couple of years ago to help me manage my mental health following my son's diagnosis.

Also, don't under estimate how much her life has changed and how difficult it may be for her at the moment, and also the impact of blood glucose levels on her emotions.