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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Really struggling with teenage son and a AIBU?

29 replies

Akrotiri1 · 28/03/2019 18:27

My son is 16 and attends 6th form college. He is a typical teenager, with volatile mood swings, which I can generally forgive, but the mornings are getting out of hand.

He stays up late so is permanently tired and grumpy, refuses to pack his bag the night before or put any thought into what he is wearing so is in a permanent state of chaos in the mornings. He makes no attempt at self-discipline, and if I try and guide him, am just told that I am' having a go'.

Although I wake him up, and make him b/fast etc , he leaves getting up to the last minute and seems to have no concept of time, or the fact if he is running late he may miss his train, or make me late for work.

He always forgets something, whether it is his wallet/phone/ homework. So mornings are very stressful and it has started to affect my sleeping as I dread how he will be in the morning - last week I nearly knocked over a cyclist in a rush to get him to the train.

More often than not his language is vile to me at that time in the morning, and I daren't say a word or I get a torrent of abuse. For example this morning he asked me to give a friend a lift, and then called me a f**king idiot' as I couldn't spot his friend at the side of the road.

If I 'dare' try and hurry him up, the swear words come out again, and this morning he threw his breakfast onto the drive because I told him we were running behind.

Anyhow, now for the AIBU bit - we live a 25 min walk from the station, and this morning I decided that as the mornings are lighter, and the weather on the improve, he can get himself to the station. It is an easy walk into town and he does it regularily enough if he wants to meet his mates.

Any advice please.....

OP posts:
HopeClearwater · 28/03/2019 18:33

Following - hoping to find some good advice!

notaflyingmonkey · 28/03/2019 18:33

Let him walk.

Whatever is going on with him, he needs to learn that he can't treat you like that. He knows how long it takes to walk there and what time the trains are, so it's up to him.

ps1991 · 28/03/2019 18:36

Leave it to him. At 16 he’s more than old enough to get himself to the station, I would expect him to have/be looking for a part time job by now, and time management is a huge skill for him to learn. Don’t get him up in the morning and don’t make him breakfast until he can respect you x

hmwhatsmynameagain · 28/03/2019 19:08

With my older teens I took on the role of 'speaking clock'
I would announce the time at half hour intervals and it was up to them to organise themselves to be where they needed to be with what they needed.

cptartapp · 28/03/2019 19:24

Does he speak to his DF like that?

cptartapp · 28/03/2019 19:25

I kicked my 16 year old DS out the car the other day to walk to school because of his attitude. And that didn't even include swearing.

pallisers · 28/03/2019 19:31

For example this morning he asked me to give a friend a lift, and then called me a fking idiot' as I couldn't spot his friend at the side of the road.

You need to stop tolerating this. If mine did that I'd tell him to get out of the car and I'd drive off leaving him to make his own way to school.

If I 'dare' try and hurry him up, the swear words come out again, and this morning he threw his breakfast onto the drive because I told him we were running behind.

Again, if he tantrums like this you get in the car by yourself and drive off. Pausing to tell him only that you won't be spoken to like that/treated like that.

you can't treat people like he is treating you. He needs to learn this right now before he starts at it with girlfriends etc.

statetrooperstacey · 28/03/2019 19:40

Leave the house in the morning a good hour befor him. Every day until he is trained then you don't have to listen to him behaving like a twat.

potofdreams1 · 28/03/2019 19:47

Feeling your pain...I get this from my 14 yo.
Rude, volatile, self-entitled, lazy, disorganised blah blah blah
Utterly exhausting and stressful

AnnaComnena · 28/03/2019 19:48

Of course he should walk. Even without the other issues, a 16 yo should be able to get himself to school/college, whatever the weather. I'd call him once, then leave him to it - no breakfast, no lift, let him sort himself out.

Mammajay · 28/03/2019 19:52

I will share some advice given to me by my daughter who is 2 years older than her brother. When he was at 6th form college he was very similar to the ops son. When I got very stressed trying to keep him on track she said " mum, you have to leave him until his s**t hits the fan". He got his a levels but like several other youngsters I know mucked up his first year at uni. Now he has his degree and is in his early thirties and a lovely, loving son.

EdWinchester · 28/03/2019 19:58

I have 2 sons. The youngest is 16.

Stroppiness is one thing, but never in a million years would they swear at us or call us names.

We would have zero tolerance on any disrespect like this. Your son is doing it because you have, little by little, let him get away with it. Knock it on the head, it's simply not on.

NotWhatWhat · 29/03/2019 01:12

Stop waking him up, stop making his breakfast and stop giving him lifts.

Maybe you can tell him that you will be waiting in the car at a particular time and if he is there you will give him a lift and if he is then don't. He needs to deal with the consequences himself.

Letting him swear at you and treat you like shit must be soul destroying for you and it's not helping him mature.

Perhaps you could write something down with a list of what is and isn't ok and how you are going to deal with any unacceptable behaviour in future.

It might help you both think about how is is behaving.

BlueSaphire · 29/03/2019 01:28

I had similar when my son was around that age. He didn't swear at me, but it was hell getting him up and out in the mornings.
Last straw was one morning I couldnt even think straight whilst trying to drive, I stopped the car and told him to get out and walk, that was me at the end of my tether.

From then on he got himself up and organised, if he was late for school, forgot kit he needed, that was his problem not mine.
Amazingly he got his act together pretty soon, tough love sometimes works.

spritesandunicorns · 29/03/2019 08:28

At 16 I was responsible for myself. I had supportive parents but by that age they didn’t get overly involved. I would definitely let him walk. Stop being his keeper if he treats you like that. He’s old enough to get up and get himself wherever he needs to go. He’s also old enough to deal with the consequences of being late or forgetting things.

Jennbot · 29/03/2019 08:48

Every time he swears at you leave him alone to sort himself out. Ignore him. Letting him swear at you is a sign ( to him ) you're weak and a push over. As he can use and abuse you with impunity as, it seems, there's no incentive at all for him to ever show you respect.
My sons never ever swore at me because they knew they couldn't. I did know that my eldest ds best friend swore at his mum all the time. He still does. They're 27 now. This same young man continues to treat his mum like dirt because she allowed it from the start. Knock it on the head as soon as you can by letting him mess up and force him to grow up. Other wise prepare for his aggressively insulting behaviour to continue to grow as you ( potentially ) sink.
Let him walk. Let him get himself up or suffer the consequences the school will soon start giving him detention for continual lateness etc.I really mean it, stop it now because if you don't well you're basically fucked.

Singlenotsingle · 29/03/2019 08:57

You can't allow a 16yo to be the boss. Tell him enough is enough. A lift is available if he's ready in time, otherwise he can get himself up and off to school. A NY swearing while he's in the car, and you chuck him out and make him walk!

Jennbot · 29/03/2019 08:58

Also silence was recommended to a mother I knew with a dd who turned against her at about 14.
Things got so bad for this mum she sort advise from the school counsellor.
She was told to go quiet, stop responding,stop asking she how she is etc, stop making her favourite meals just basically ignore her completely when she is rude and do no extra things that make her life easier.
Said dd I think, was a while ago, stopped the bad attitude within days and apologised.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/03/2019 08:59

I put up with some of this, not the language though that's awful!, until my DD had done her GCSES as I was desperate for her to finish school with some qualifications. However, I left her to it at 6th form, except for one wake up call, and it's been a mixture of being late, not attending at all, occasionally being there promptly. You can't keep doing everything for them at that age.

GnomeDePlume · 29/03/2019 09:07

All the above plus one more thing, if he isn't already, try and get him to take a vitamin D supplement every day. It won't be a miracle cure but my DS is in a noticeably better mood when he is taking vitamin D regularly.

Miffymeow · 29/03/2019 09:33

I would do talking clock at half hour intervals as another has suggested. He can make his own breakfast and get himself dressed, that's his responsibility. I tell him what time the car leaves the house, if he isn't ready by then, looks like he's walking. Also bad language / abuse - looks like he's walking.
Make sure he is clear on rules and responsibilities, repeat as necessary, but don't stress about it - it is now his concern rather than yours.

Giving his friend a lift? Sure, if he behaves like an adult, nice people earn favours, rude people do not. If not - looks like they are both walking!

Forgot his phone/wallet? - looks like he's in for a bad day! I'm sure he will think of that day in the future and be a lot more careful. If he kicks up a fuss about this... looks like he's walking! Personally I remember mine always as I know noone is going to go get it for me if I forget and I like eating lunch.

He needs a bit of tough love and you need a well deserved rest, he shouldn't be having toddler tantrums at his age and needs to learn a bit of a harsh lesson in responsibility.

Also remember - you have control of wifi in your house and you also have the ability to change the password (and not tell him it until he has given you desired behaviour).
You control food, you control lifts, you control wifi, you control any pocket money. The only way he can change any of these is to get a job which is also a good thing, so no reason not to use any of these controls to your advantage.

Make him work for things that he wants so that he sees where the power lies, he does not get to demand / command. He can earn your help but you ultimately hold the power, not him.

Best of luck OP

Miffymeow · 29/03/2019 09:37

Also - staying up late? I'm guessing x-box or similar. You could switch the wifi off at a cutoff point. Maybe offer him a way of him earning an extra hour with a chore of your choice during the day and treating you decently during that day. Or perhaps a combo of getting to school on time and decent behaviour towards you that day.

NChangeForNoReason · 29/03/2019 10:23

Leave it to him. At 16 he’s more than old enough to get himself to the station, I would expect him to have/be looking for a part time job by now, and time management is a huge skill for him to learn. Don’t get him up in the morning and don’t make him breakfast until he can respect you

^^This!!!

He's in 6th form and it's his responsibility to get their on time and to be prepared. If he isn't, he can deal with the consequences that the 6th form set out.

If u continue to baby him he will forever rely on you ... when will it end? When he gets married and his future wife has to pick up from where u left off?!

Bouledeneige · 09/04/2019 02:11

I totally understand everyone's advice but I just started taking my son to school as I was so cross about him having 21 lates so far this year! My DS is not abusive but can be monosyllabic and unmotivated. And sometimes cheerful and fun. It drives me insane. Last week he told me he was depressed - I've arranged for him to talk to someone but i think he just needs to get a bit organised and do some bleedin schoolwork.

Sorry - no advice! Just moaning.

Peopleshouldread · 09/04/2019 02:59

I think you are enabling this behaviour. My son is the same age, and I don't have this problem. He did have a phase thinking he was the ruler of the house, but a withdrawal of catering services, a cessation of reminders from me about stuff, stopping laundry unless it was in the basket and no lifts anywhere, plus no phone credit soon put a stop to that.

Why does he stay up so late? Is he online gaming or watching stuff on his devices? The solution to that is change the Wi-fi password and switch it off at a reasonable time. We had to set up and automatic switch off of our oldest sons computer, It takes a bit of faffing around, but he is now locked out after 10.30.

Let him be crumpled, let him struggle to get his shit together in the morning, leave him without his wallet or phone and homework if he forgets them. Tough shit. I give my sons ONE day a term that I will help if they forget something vital. After that too bad. They must face the consequences.

Wake him up earlier. Tell him if he's rushing around you'll wake him up even earlier the next day. Give him a set time you'll be leaving , with or without him. If he misses the train, bus or whatever refuse to write him a note and let him suffer the consequences. If mine fart around and miss the bus ( it's happened once due to the I know better than you Mum) therefore missing school, my note to the school consist of " DS missed the bus because he was wasting time in the morning" . Yes he got a detention, but he hasn't done lot again.

Calls you a fucking idiot for not picking his friend up in the manner in which he approves - either you should have stopped the car, told him to get out and drive off. Or told him that as he spoke that way to you, he'd best ring his friend and tell him the lift is off. Better still refuse to give any friends and him any lifts until he can treat you decently - not like a servant.

Throws his breakfast on the drive? Has he cleaned it up?or did you? Don't make him breakfast. He's old enough to figure that out on his own, or go hungry.

Put the boot in without any direct confrontation. And no you would not be unreasonable to make him walk to the station. I'm surprised you haven't already.