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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

20 year old son thrown out of uni

47 replies

Nickij1973 · 16/03/2019 11:32

Hi, and thanks in advance for reading this. My son is 20 and I have always beeed evn a single parent, he doesn't really have a relationship with his dad and we have no other family. He has basically wasted every year since he left school, he just about passed a BTEC level 3 but his results weren't good enough to go straight onto a degree so he has been doing a foundation year in Manchester which is about an hour drive away from home. He had spent all his loan and £1000 overdraft by November, I bailed him out and left myself in a difficult position, he also borrowed £120 from the uni emergency fund and £100 from friends which he still owes back. A letter has come this morning saying that he is about to be thrown out as he hasn't done any assignments and hasn't attended uni at all for 4 weeks. He is currently in Belfast for a few days with his girlfriend who has paid for his flights etc! I think he needs to leave uni anyway as he has no motivation at all and isn;t getting anywhere, my main worry is all the debt he is in and if they throw him out now he won't get the April installment of his loan but will still owe £1300 for the final installment of rent as well as his £1000 overdraft and what else he is borrowed. I can't help him, I work full time but only just get by myself and I don't think me bailing him out would be the best thing to do anyway. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

TorchesTorches · 16/03/2019 11:37

This sounds very stressful, poor you. My brother ran up some debts at uni (very stupidly) and got into a bad situation. He asked me for money, but i didn't really have anything to give him. He asked my dad (who is fairly well off and could definitely afford to help) but my dad refused. I think it was a big wake up call for my brother and he then made much better decisions and is now far wealthier than all of us.

It is your sons situation. He created it and he needs to own it and solve it. It could be the making of him

Original poster

Nickij1973 · 16/03/2019 11:40

Thanks, I think you're right. He's just in so much debt but he is an adult.

OP posts:

LIZS · 16/03/2019 11:44

How did you see the letter if he is away? His problem to sort out. However it sounds as if uni is not for him.

Clutterbugsmum · 16/03/2019 11:46

Sounds like your son is about to get a big wake up call.

The best you can do is support but not pay off or give him any money. He needs to have the consequences now while his debt is only small so he doesn't learn and end up getting in to a much worse situation.

What can you afford to do for him with getting yourself into debt for him. Can you afford to have him live with you while he gets a job, and do set a time limit as too when he has be either working full time or he moves out.

Original poster

Nickij1973 · 16/03/2019 11:46

The letter has come here to his home address, they will throw him out Wednesday if he hasn't made contact.

OP posts:

LIZS · 16/03/2019 11:47

Addressed to him or you though?

Original poster

Nickij1973 · 16/03/2019 11:48

Need him to decide what to do and speak with Uni, he can live here and claim JSA and pay me board from that I suppose but he has to pay accommodation in Manchester to end of June anyway, don't know how he'll do that if they throw him out of uni then he won't get loan installment for April.

OP posts:

redexpat · 16/03/2019 11:48

Its clear that uni isnt for him, at least not right now.

I did get kicked out at the end of my first year, appealed and got back in. But then I didnt make the same mistakes twice!

For me there was a lot bound up in it -
Panic - EVERYONE went to uni, no other path is possible, if you dont go you will never amount to anything
fomo - everyone has a ball at uni, everyone gets a boyf, you have a great time!
You dont need to work in your first year.

Those 3 attitudes contributed to me sticking my head in the sand. Also I think I have asd so take things very literally. You dont have to work = you dont have to work as hard as you did in the run up to a levels. Also I really struggled with the lack of routine and structure but again I couldnt see that at the time.

I think your ds really needs to think about what his expectations of uni are and what his primary motivation is.

cheeseypizza · 16/03/2019 20:58

U opened his mail??

Original poster

Nickij1973 · 16/03/2019 22:05

He is away until July so he wants me to open his mail and uni obviously choose to send these letters to students' home addresses when they are more than likely not living there so it's a good job I did open it or he wouldn't know anything about it. I didn't post on here to be judged I posted for honest advice and to maybe find someone who has been in a similar situation. The opening of the letter is not the issue!

OP posts:

Haworthia · 16/03/2019 22:09

Oh god, let’s not start up that Mumsnet clique about OPENING MAIL

LIZS · 16/03/2019 22:09

Why is he not in his accommodation? Sounds like he has gone to ground.

jay55 · 16/03/2019 22:16

Is he in halls or private accommodation?
If he's in halls he might be able to get someone to replace him if he talks to the accommodation office.

Alarae · 16/03/2019 22:16

Unfortunately, I think you are going to have to stand back and let him experience the consequences. He's going to have obligations to pay rent for the rest of the year without student finance, so he will have to go out and get a job.

He sounds like he needs a cold bucket of reality before he will change. This might be it.

Original poster

Nickij1973 · 16/03/2019 22:20

I hope this is the lesson he's needed for some time. He has a girlfriend who is at uni in Belfast so he's staying with her until Tuesday, she paid the flights!

OP posts:

Longlostperson · 16/03/2019 22:21

Why are people asking about the mail

Op. Let him figure it out. I know it’s extremely hard not be involved but he doesn’t seem to be bothered and that’s Maybe because he knows mum will bail him out anyway.

Singlenotsingle · 16/03/2019 22:21

So he'll end up with ccj's but no means of paying them. The last thing you should do is subsidise him, or get involved. If he can't pay them, so be it. They don't put you in prison for debt these days.

LIZS · 16/03/2019 22:28

But this will not be the first or only letter/email he has had. It sounds like he is running away from the problem. He may be able to sublet next term to mitigate his losses but only if he acts quickly,

peanutbutterandbananas · 16/03/2019 22:47

Do they have a financial Advice Centre at the uni that you can go to with him, as maybe hearing the hard facts about the situation he's in will help him realise and then to take control and sort things out? Or the Citizens Advice Bureau (which may be more "real" as it's not connected to uni). I really really admire how much you have supported him with his education. Maybe he's not on the right route or hasn't found what is going to engage him, or maybe he isn't mature enough yet to appreciate uni and could defer his place til next year? I'd talk to his tutors with him about whether he can catch up at this stage. Good luck!

MaybeDoctor · 17/03/2019 08:19

Yeah, because OP opening a letter really is far worse than his lack of responsibility.

I feel for you OP and it must be so hard with no one to talk to. However, it definitely doesn’t sound as if he has the self-discipline for university. A spell in the workplace would probably do him good.

Would he consider an apprenticeship?

Beamur · 17/03/2019 08:23

He needs to properly engage with the University. They will probably have a unit that deals with students like your son and will give him a way to either get back on track or kick him out.
This is the wake up call.

Beamur · 17/03/2019 08:24

Interesting you have posted this in teenagers. He may be immature but your son is an adult.

ScafellPoke · 17/03/2019 08:28

I open my dh’s mail all the time!! He works away so if I didn’t then urgent things might get missed. Why can’t people understand that this is what op is doing?..... She can’t leave all unopened letters until July!

blubblubblub · 17/03/2019 08:30

Please don't bail him out. This is a lesson he needs to learn, and if you step in and help, it's a wasted lesson. Family did this for their DS (and got him into another Uni), but he went straight back to his old ways, ended up failing again and in even more debt.
It's a hard lesson, but better he learn it now than later on when there's more at stake.

woolduvet · 17/03/2019 08:40

Are you his guarantor?

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