20 year old son thrown out of uni

[Nickij1973]

Hi, and thanks in advance for reading this. My son is 20 and I have always beeed evn a single parent, he doesn't really have a relationship with his dad and we have no other family. He has basically wasted every year since he left school, he just about passed a BTEC level 3 but his results weren't good enough to go straight onto a degree so he has been doing a foundation year in Manchester which is about an hour drive away from home. He had spent all his loan and £1000 overdraft by November, I bailed him out and left myself in a difficult position, he also borrowed £120 from the uni emergency fund and £100 from friends which he still owes back. A letter has come this morning saying that he is about to be thrown out as he hasn't done any assignments and hasn't attended uni at all for 4 weeks. He is currently in Belfast for a few days with his girlfriend who has paid for his flights etc! I think he needs to leave uni anyway as he has no motivation at all and isn;t getting anywhere, my main worry is all the debt he is in and if they throw him out now he won't get the April installment of his loan but will still owe £1300 for the final installment of rent as well as his £1000 overdraft and what else he is borrowed. I can't help him, I work full time but only just get by myself and I don't think me bailing him out would be the best thing to do anyway. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Hi Woolduvet, yes you've just reminded me that I am his guarantor and I don't have £1300 going spare! He's in Belfast until Tuesday so he's going to call uni first thing Monday and hopefully arrange to meet with them on Wednesday.

There is still time to fix it with the uni, as you've just said he can contact them by Wednesday and make arrangements. He prob needs to come across as sorry and willing to change which it doesn't sound like he is. Just tell him he needs to follow it through til the end of year. He's an adult surely he can understand the financial impact his actions will cause if you sit him down and level with him.

Have you phoned him to tell him what the letter says? He needs to decide what to do.

I called him yesterday and sent him a picture of the letter, he is worried but hopefully uni will give him a chance to discuss it in person before throwing him out.

He needs to be thrown out. He's behaving appallingly, not been to uni for four weeks?! What a waste of his time/tutors time/his money/your money/etc etc.

I couldn't agree more, but he's my son and I love him, however that doesn't mean I'm going to bail him out, I'm going to try to let him sort it out himself in the hope that will help him long term.

Leave him to his own devices, offer advice if he asks for it. Don't actively help him (tell him to come live with you, find him a job without him specifically asking you etc). This is the point where he either becomes an unwashed sweaty 30 or 40 year old still living in his mother's house playing video games all day with no prospects whatsoever, or gets the cold hard whack of reality needed to shape him into a well-functioning adult.

FFS @ judgeyMcjudgies on here.
In law 20 is adult in this country. Different in other countries.
OP I hope you and your son get through this difficult time.
I am sure you will somehow

If you’re his garatoor then his rent is your debt! It’s crap being a parent especially when we pay the price and we can’t take control. He just needs to get a job basically doesn’t he.

That's a bugger that you're a guarantor. I feel for you as you're worried sick, of course. But please don't give him another penny. We made the mistake of bailing out one of our AC more than once. Taught her nothing, and I ended up giving more than I could afford, which left me in a pickle and as a result angry with her.
I pulled back which I found very hard. Felt unnatural to say No, can't help you any more, but it was the best thing I could've done.
She had difficulties, but had to make agreements and arrangements and sort it out.
I'd effectively been enabling her and thus stopping her from properly growing up.
She's subsequently learnt a lot from that tough period and has developed self respect by learning from her own mistakes and sorting herself out.
Tough love was hard but so worth it. And I never cut off contact - she always had a bed and food here if she wanted it. Just no money. Good luck

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your comments/advice. He has a meeting with uni on Friday so we'll see. I haven't given him money really since November just the occasional £10 and I do order food shops to be delivered but he still doesn't seem motivated to work. If he comes home all he will get is food and a bed.

Just to clarify if the Uni chuck him out this term then he won't get his last loan instalment next term - every term the uni confirms to SLC who is enrolled and then they release the loan payments.

Our 20+ DCs are/were supported whilst at Uni 'enhancing their prospects', but once they leave, the tap is turned off. They're expected to work and need to pay board if they choose to stay at home.
Don't let him home without a job OP. If you do you'll have a hell of a time getting him off to a job once he's settled in.

Hi, just an update and again I'd appreciate thoughts and comments. As said in my previous post my son is 20 and was doing a foundation year at uni, in the end they didn't throw him out but he has failed the year. He received the final instalment of his loan so he has paid the rest of his rent. My problem now is he is frittering away the rest of his loan. He came home Saturday and just left a few things in his flat in case he goes back for a few days, we argue constantly and I feel so anxious, everything I say is wrong or the way I say it is wrong. He's talking about retaking the foundation year which I think is a mistake but there is no point me saying anything. I'm feeding him and the rest of his loan will run out before Sept but he doesn't seem to think he needs a job! We swear and call each other names and he pushes me so far that I retaliate however hard I try not to. He's nocturnal so keeps me awake. I've just called my bank to block any payments going to xbox. Its £12 per month and I've been paying it for years so I'm now scared of the backlash when he realises but I cant afford it as I pay for his mobile phone contract and insurance. I'm on the verge of tears all the time and sad that this is the relationship we have.

Has he ever had a job?

Hs decision, but now he needs to pay his way so no xbox , phone, food , washing etc. If he retakes the year will he have student finance for a full degree now?

@Nickij1973 I'm really sorry you're going through this. I think you need to get tougher though - he's 20, and needs to start navigating life better.

Stop paying for his phone, keep your support for him at the life basics - food and a place to sleep, everything else should be down to him. Does he still owe you from when you bailed him out in November? He needs to pay you back. Tell him you can't provide any financial support if he chooses to go back to uni, and that includes ordering food shopping for him. Although parents are expected to help out financially under the current loan systems (which I don't think is fair), he's shown you that he can't be trusted to make the most of the opportunity and you can't afford to keep paying for his unreliability.

Decide on your position and stick to it, and repeat it like a broken record

I'm not sure about the finance he will have to look into it. He has had a couple of part time jobs but he doesn't stick with them.

You may find something useful here
www.empoweringparents.com/article/rules-boundaries-and-older-children-part-ii-in-response-to-questions-about-older-children-living-at-home/?utm_source=Empowering+Parents+Newsletter&utm_campaign=faa2b867d9-Newsletter_2019-04-19&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5bbf2964fe-faa2b867d9-161891609&goal=0_5bbf2964fe-faa2b867d9-161891609&mc_cid=faa2b867d9&mc_eid=51f932c578

Thats great, thank you

Thanks mary, I've read the article and feel a little better that so many other parents have similar issues. The suggestions are good and I would love to force him to be up at a certain time and looking for work but this would be impossible for me to enforce as he would refuse and I cant physically get him out if bed and I know he'd go back to bed when I had left for work!

Interesting/good article Mary. Its a good reminder they need some freedom, but that they also need some basic structure and responsibilities in their lives. Otherwise they can end up lazy and dependent. Its not easy or popular being the "enforcer" but all parents have to do this part of the job.

Good luck and I hope you make progress OP!