F-Ing f-Ed off with all of this now!!!

[cricketmum84]

Before anyone says that I'm a terrible parent I will just say that I have fought and fought for help for my teenage son. I've cried down the phone to CAMHS, social services, early help team, GP. You name it / I've spoken to them.

Basically teen DS has struggled with anxiety for a couple of years. He is now seeing a psychologist under CAMHS. I've posted a few times about him, he's been hospitalised before and we have social services involved too.

The biggest issue is that he just WILL NOT get out of bed and go to school. He stays awake all night and is exhausted on a morning then tells me it's because of anxiety. The psychologist he is seeing is not yet convinced he has anxiety and thinks it may be more of a sleep disorder. Every single morning he pulls the covers over his head and won't speak to me. When I push it with him he tells me I don't understand how he feels. (I fucking do!!)

I am just beyond frustrated now with this situation. He can't be left alone in the house as I don't trust him. He has run away twice, stolen alcohol, sent worrying photos of kitchen knives to his friends on sm, taken a paracetamol overdose and damaged walls in a fit of temper. This means that I have to take time off work every time he does this.

I am on the verge of losing my job because of all the time I have to take off with him. And even when he does get up and go to school it's literally dragging him out of bed 30 seconds before we have to leave. We can't physically get him out of bed as he has made accusations about us to social services so it's just giving him more fuel.

I've had the police visit me at work because someone anonymously phoned and expressed concern about our younger child as she had told them her brother is aggressive. I had to walk through the office with them to a meeting room and pretty much defend myself for an hour.

I'm not really asking for solutions as I don't think we can do any more than we are doing. I suppose I just wanted to write it all down in a safe space and get it all off my chest. I'm not sure how much more I can take, I honestly just feel like giving in. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost and utterly helpless.

I have nothing to add, no real advice but have a have hold and it sounds fucking hard.

The only small prabably crap suggestion is- sleeping tablets? From the GP?

Also turn the Wi-fi off at night and remove all devices?

That sounds horrific , unsustainable.My Dsis crying refused to leave GP surgery until they offered support for dn,also mental health related ...... Dn Is a bit better now in her 20's
Is there anyone he is happier talking to ? Opens up to a bit. Have you got a social worker ? Read one of your threads before

It is completely unsustainable. I've just had a meltdown on my DH when he got home. I've worked, studied and trained for 14 years to get to the level I am in my career and it's all going to be destroyed.

Yes we have a social worker now, very early stages and he's only made one visit so far but has promised a referral to the early help team who can hopefully help us to manage his behaviour.

Re the sleeping tablets - he's only 14 so they are very reluctant to prescribe any medication. He gets up in the early hours of the morning and comes downstairs, I know because things will be moved around when we get up. I mentioned trying melatonin to the GP but she vetoed straight away and told us to practice better sleep hygiene. I think we are past the point of warm milk and a spray of fucking lavender!

I feel your pain cricketmum with the sleep hygiene nonsense. I also have an occasional non-sleeper and the "bath and hot drink" makes me laugh (or cry depending on what else is going on). GPs cannot prescribe melatonin- you would need a psychiatrist.

It's so hard when you don't know what they need. For ours listening to music - without a device connected to internet - or talking books helped a bit.

The lack of sleep really does make everything else worse but you probably know that.

Sorry you are going through this.

He is seeing a psychologist under CAMHS every 2 weeks. I'll have another chat with her at the next appt about melatonin.

It may be false hope but I almost feel like things could improve if he just slept properly!

ive messaged you cricket mum

What is he doing at night? Is he on devices?

He's been messaging friends on Instagram in the past, we take devices away on a night now though. Then it was Xbox (which is in the living room) so we lock away the controllers. Now it's either reading or tv, he's clever enough to turn tv off at the wall when he goes back up to bed but not clever enough to delete the top gear episodes from the deleted items in the sky box.

Oh I feel for you. I really do. I am a pastoral support teacher and gee whizz are these situations the absolute worst.

How supportive are the school being? Do they have access to any support agencies who may be able to work with you.

I would be expecting a meeting between school, CAMHS psychologist, educational psychologist, social worker and you as soon as possible really.

There are a few things which needs worked out and ruled out. I have no idea what you have access to but a family support worker can come round in the morning and support/observe what’s happening. Some support in this area may make you feel less vulnerable to allegations.

Did anything trigger the anxiety? Were you ever able to get to the bottom of it?

I know you weren’t really looking for advice. I want you to know that I have enormous sympathy. These are amongst the hardest things I deal with and I simply cannot imagine what it is like for the parents

What are the weekends and holidays like? Does he get up and interact ok? When you are not thinking about school, what is life like?

Is it all down to anxiety or is some of it just being a teenager?? Do you take his phone off him until he does what you want?

@Passmethecrisps school seem to have just given up on him. I left a message on the absence line this morning basically saying he was refusing to come to school. Normally I would have a call back from pastoral care but heard nothing. That's a good thought about a meeting with all the agencies, I know his psychologist has spoken to the pastoral care lead at school but nobody has suggested a meeting.

In answer to the pp- weekends and holidays are mixed. For example Saturday we had to go out for music lessons and shopping. He stayed in bed until 2pm, came down to eat and went straight back up and wouldn't leave his room. Sunday he was meeting up with his new girlfriend and was up, showered, dressed and nagging to go by 8.30am! So he can get up if it's for something he wants to do!!

I am in Scotland so I know it may be different but it is my job to deal with these things and I simply wouldn’t be allowed to let it go.

Push and push for a meeting with all the professionals in a room. Even if it is just to share the load. They need to talk to each other though and log what is being agreed. An action plan should be developed. That’s scotland though. I cannot think it would be that different.

In fairness to the pastoral staff, when it is a regular non-attender I don’t always leap to the phone. I can’t sometimes. So it doesn’t necessarily mean they have given up. But they should be engaging.

The fact that he is getting up early and leaving the house when it suits him is, in some ways, really great news. He isn’t crippled by anxiety or mental health issues. If he has a sleep disorder he can cope when motivated.

Can you remember the original trigger? Can you recall where it all started?

My child is just the same. Stays up all night and won't get up for what they need to in the morning. Sleeps huge amounts in the day.

My child will also be able get up early when they want to.

My child has asd. Camhs said it was a case of won't not can't.

Thank you. Your advice is hugely helpful. I'll start making calls tomorrow to ss, school and CAMHS and push for a meeting. Nobody really sees how bad he is on a morning, I don't think they understand how hard it is!

Sorry I missed the end question. Not sure what the original trigger was. Certainly nothing noticeable. He has some issues around gender and sexuality that may be adding to it but when he talks about it he always seems quite positive? He came out as gay a couple of years ago but now identifies as pansexual?

Just a quick note to suggest reading up on melatonin...it is stimulated by bright light so maybe try getting out every day in the morning to kick start it, then no blue light from the eatly evening, so if the x box / tv is on get him some blue light blocking glasses (amazon sell them, they don’t change the colour of things they look clear to look through)
Do you have a burglar alarm? If so maybe set the downstairs at night so you’d hear if he goes down. Or program the WiFi to go off at a set time each night (assuming your tv runs through it)

I think it is brilliant that he sounds positive about his own identity. I wonder how accepting kids at school are? He sounds fairly complex emotionally and may find the relatively black and white of many secondary schools (for all the fashions) challenging.

How did he meet his girlfriend? Does he seem to have friends? Socialise?

It may be that in his head he has closed the door to school. Or he may feel that the door has been closed for him.

I do a wee task with some of mine which you could recreate if you felt able? The purpose is to find out what they actually want and where they actually, Genuinely see themselves. It doesn’t fix anything but it can give a very directed focus to a conversation which can give answers.

Get some A4 paper and turn it horizontal. On the top right go for the dream. What is the goal? Draw a star and put those things in it. Those goals can be ANYTHING

Then draw a big fat arrow point across the page with the head towards the star. On the left go for “where am I now?” Focus on factual statements - not emotions. In the next third go for a section on who can help. Here you consider all the people around him currently and who you might enlist. Last third, so the arrow head, is where he wants to be in an agreed period of time. That could be anything from a week to a year. It depends on how fast you want to make progress. I have done this many times and been astonished at what they say when it comes to where they want to be. Often it is so very normal. They want to be at school. Like everyone else. But they don’t know how.

If you like the idea but can’t visualise, google “person centred planning”

Ideally this is what your pastoral teacher would be doing

Please look at the Not Fine in school website and join us at the Facebook group (same name) - you’ll find you’re NOT alone!!! Also, this is NOT your sons fault, nor is it yours. Whilst it is VERY hard to deal with your sone IS ILL. He deserves the help, understanding and sympathy that a child with any other long term debilitating illness gets. Hope to see you in the Facebook book group soon!!

I've just joined the group thanks @ohmywhattodo

And yet again he is under his covers refusing to get up.

He was messaging me on insta last night from upstairs saying he wasn't going to school Cos he wants to go on a bloody climate change March!! Oh and apparently I can take my opinion and shove it up my arse!

It will be a fucking miracle if I have a job on Monday!

I would go to work. I have had some similar things going on with ds, but although he slept badly I only ever gave him one knock in the morning. He was frequently late. (He is at university now and still sleeps half the day)
You have enough to deal with without spending time trying to prise him out of bed.
Tell him the time, tell him you are not telling him again and stick to it.

Oh this takes me back to when DS1 was that age, he was struggling with his sexuality and school friendships. I am a single parent and remember that feeling of dread in the morning saying to myself please just get up today. We had a really good home liason officer who would come to the house and would have gone into his bedroom if need be and it was only the embarrassment of that that would get him up. I had her number in my contacts and it was just a case of riding it out but I well remember how tough it was.
I'm in Scotland so school policies might be different but it's just not acceptable for the school to give up on him or you.

Have you asked at your work if you can take some of the (unpaid) parental leave you can have. It's all at a managers decretion but you can have up to 13 weeks a year.
You need to find out what is going on in his head. School can sometimes 'get in the way' of trying to think straight about what you (as in your teen) want in life. Sometimes people just need to stop from life (school/work) and take time to actually focus on themselves. He could have lots of help from you and camhs etc and end up feeling good but then get picked up on something pathetic and trivial at school (eg wrong colour pe socks) and he will think "why did I bother").
You need (you and teen) a break from life (maybe just a week) and find out what is happening in his head. He is probably totally lost inside.

You have a classic school refuser there, OP. School refusal plus anxiety plus gender issues plus temper plus sleep problems are all markers for ASD, has he had an assessment?

Join the FB group called School Refusal support services, it's a godsend.